I've been surprisingly hesitant about this. I find this strange, because 1) I've been teaching via video technology for the Cowles Center for five years, and 2) I'm not a private person. At all. I'm a pretty open book, actually. I'm realizing that what gives me pause is not so much teaching live from my house, but recording something permanent. I think I'm worried about the final products being good enough. Ok fine, I'm worried about them being perfect.
I recognize this is totally ridiculous. Sometimes, that's how feelings are. I'm glad I have a little time to work on rerouting my mind on this. It's helped to create the space and accept that the lighting will only be so good. It's also helped to realize that I don't need to "reinvent the wheel," as is said. In fact, I'm coming to believe that my "greatest hits" of sorts, the ideas and exercises I always come back to when teaching residencies, will actually be my BEST material for the short, recorded lessons I'll be making for the Cowles.
All of these thoughts lead me to this: processing why I haven't jumped on the "teaching live from home" bandwagon to begin with. I've been a little surprised, because I've always thought of myself as someone who enjoys trying new things and isn't shy about putting myself in front of others. I still think those things are true, they just crossed my mind in my attempts to understand why I haven't yet given the livestream thing a try.
Again, I think it comes back to desire for control over the "final product." I think, as an artist, I've developed an amount of respect for what I choose to put out and share with the world, as opposed to what I choose to keep close to the chest. There are so many little things I create that never make it past my journal, this minimum-impact blog, my camera roll. Not all creations are meant to be shared widely: many of them come into fruition simply to stoke the creative fires, and that's a good enough reason for their fleeting existence.
"Live teaching," in person and in a classroom, has come to feel like that: fleeting moments of connectivity, physicality, in the moment-ness. Livestreams can and do get recorded. For example, it looks like anyone can record an Instagram livestream. and I'm realizing I find that intimidating. I found myself wanting to type just now that "my feelings about this really have nothing to do with privacy," but I'm not sure that's true. Is it a form of privacy to want to have as much control as you can over where your creative output goes and gets used?
I also realize that anything I put out there as 'Public' on YouTube and Vimeo can get downloaded, and really, used however anyone would decide. I'm choosy about what I upload and share publicly, though mostly because I don't want to 'give away all my creativity for free.' Just enough to be a good citizen and to drum up interest (yes, sometimes PAID interest) for my work. While I have put a teeny modicum of thought into where what I put out there goes and how it might be used, it's been exactly that: a teeny modicum.
I suppose this is a juncture at which I can actually be grateful for the relative locality of my impact: given this, it's unlikely many folks are downloading my professional/ dance videos at all, much less using them for nefarious purposes (nefarious . . . fun for that word to feel like the most fitting choice :)).
I think I'm glad that it seems GoToMeeting and Zoom meetings can only be recorded by the host. That said, they have sharing features. Writing about this has helped me realize that I'd like to ask what plans are for recording/ redistributing: I want to know so I can either object or get my head around potential future uses of the material. My Cowles contract notes that they retain the rights to use photos and videos obtained in any way they choose, so I suppose this also applies to these situations. I may just have to work on becoming comfortable with the idea that sessions in less-than-optimal conditions may be shared wider than their original intended audience.
The other reasons I haven't yet jumped into the "sharing yourself teaching via livestream" trend include 1) desire to leave space for folks who need the income more than me, 2) I'm a little overwhelmed by all the offerings that have popped up and don't necessarily wish to add to it, and 3) I've needed some damn space/ to take a pause or two or ten. Beyond not really being a very private person, I've also generally considered myself one to jump right in. That said, in the last at least five years, I've been working pretty intentionally to be more conscious and attune to the moment. I feel like this work has caused me to perhaps take pause more often. To spend a bit more time considering before trying. This is not to say that I no longer consider myself someone who likes to try new things, but it is to say that I'm perhaps thinking more before I speak/ do.
I'm glad that I've given myself some pause and only explored what has felt immediately right to me, both in terms of coping and sharing. It's felt right to write. It's felt right some times to share (i.e. here), and other times to keep it to myself. It's felt right to take advantage of the resources I have in my own home that I've been desiring to use (tap board, Terpsichore's deck, free weights). It's felt right to share those efforts sometimes, both as a method of accountability and potentially creating some positivity both for and beyond myself.
It hadn't felt immediately right for me to livestream myself teaching. I'm glad I have the opportunity to dip my toes in this water quietly and through organizations for which I've already been working. Feels right to me.
As is said, this situation is ever-evolving. I will try, conscientiously and in all things - including teaching work - to keep adapting to it.
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