Thursday, February 28, 2008

Changing spaces

Where the hell has the month gone? Looking back upon writing my first entry to this abysmal bloggything, it seems to have been so long to long. My writing has found homes in several places as of late - I like to keep as much of one thing in one place as I possibly can, but it never seems a success to push this idea. Much like the small spaces - I do not think opening up the small space will create an upward spiral in the collection of unnecessary things.

I do know that I am feeling everything but modivated to finish up the job that needs it - I am not sure if this comes out of attachment, distraction or something I cannot detect. I think the moving plays into a need for adventure, for change. Though, I am not sure how much I few mile jump can dig into this desire as I see everyone around me making their own moves, their own changes. I need more time to pour over these feelings, but rather than allowing myself the chance to do so, I pack my time with things that are 'more valuble to my future.' Yes, quite.

Prescription future, I guess. Looking to avoid getting this bottle. It is hard when you are the seeker as well as the refuser. But 'it's hard' complaints to self do not do much when you are able to find routes for change, but unable to push yourself into them. Remembering a few things - I do not have a professor to answer to, homework due dates, only the personal desire to maintain responsible communication, because I value people who conduct themselves in a way that respects others. I have often fallen upon desires to simply not return emails, to missing meetings, to simply just NOT DO things that I do not want to do. However, the reason why I end up getting these things on my radar can be placed only upon me - no one forces me into doing 'to much,' into agreeing to involvement on things that are not truly THAT important to me, etc. Saying yes to the look good is a disease that I cannot really shake. I like the busy, but I think I operate on extreme misconceptions of what that means. Or not what that means, but what I desire out my said busy. I desire to make my life full, to spend my time doing things that matter, to not simply waste ANY time at all to pass it on to the next thing that matters; I want EVERYTHING, every moment to matter. This is where the misconception happens.

Re-adjusting this idea. Full life, not busy life. Who is to say that a full life does not involve rambling to oneself about what they notice in life (me, probably)? This is equally productive and important to working for money, if not more. Equally important and productive to freelance marketing for dance companies. Herein lies my problem on this possibly - I thought being able to re-adjust when I do freelance work with when I socialize would make me feel more flexible and random, but I think it has done the opposite; I often feel like any 'free time' I have left should be devoted to these freelace projects. This is similar to me thinking I would generate more flexibility by having just ONE journal rather than splitting my normal one and my art. Upon trying this for a few months, I found that melding everything together became more stressful. So, schedule the time and do not change it. If you do not get everything done, push things back - they probably realize, in hiring someone at a VERY nomial price, that they will have to adjust to the amount that I can get done, when I can do it.

Tangental. On to be modivated.

Friday, February 1, 2008

The In-Giving

Yes. The holy kind.

I have made way for a blog. I literally went back and forth and back and forth several times this evening between my typey desires and lifting my pen into my composition notebook as I usually find myself doing (depending upon how you qualify usually - I have not been so much making it a habit as of late). There is something strangely comforting about the noise of typing - you know things are happening. However, there is a strange presence of un-retrievable back-log on something like this - it gives me an almost irresistible urge to print out copies of anything important I have ever written and had the audacity to leave only in digital copy.

There is also something enchanting in knowing that any random person may read this - I am not sure how to read that. Another part of me notes the self-indulgence of this - to spend time wondering who and how many will read this, if they will comment, if taking up space in the world wide web (whatever that means) with my I am sure well-done comments about such things. Why not simply write them into your journal in that case? Strangely, I guess my enchantment is due to the fact that I DO like to, from time to time, read the blogs of my friends - I feel as though such things get people reading and processing and thinking more, regardless of content. When thinking about what kind of hobby I would rather see people invest themselves in, I have to admit many times over I would rather see it put here than in a static staring into the tv.

Plan it. Rewind it. The rewind button has no place in this life - reflection is all fine and good, but reflection only casts a shadow of what used to exist - the rewind button is an attempt to go back in time, check happenings again to see if there is a way to create alteration. I guess this could be begged to be differed with in the fact that art is often all about revision - your opportunity to create life commentary of some sort, and then change your mind over the course of time and in turn change your product.

This kind of writing for me often ends up being my outlet for quick mind-set shifts; I am often so decisive in my speech that there is not a lot of room for quick-shift. However, the quick shift happens a great deal on the large, hard to deal with things that often do not find room in casual conversation to be addressed.

Deciding what is and is not a waste of time. And of money (which seems to be the 'more importantly' all too often). It is relatively easy to figure out that there is more where that came from. However, it is also relatively easy to worry about. Planned movements. How about constant? Constant movement lends to the idea that settling is nowhere in the near future. Is this why people jam-pack their schedules? Very well could be. People, yes. People. Constant motion is not always improvised. Searching/finding/ selecting mood and trying to figure out how much say you have in it. Can it be chosen? Can it wear out? What do you mean the Goo Goo Dolls are not together anymore? And they also are not cool? Shit. But yes, often not improvised - the planned kind gets in the way of the improvised shit that ques itself in you, but sometimes the phone is too busy to get picked up. Often too busy. Business generated so as to not have to deal with latent desires to pick up the phone and let the improv begin. The attractiveness of improvisation is easy to observe from the sidelines, but not so easy to intercept and impliment. Britt's crazy shit on one hand drives me crazy and makes me wonder about her ability to follow through with anything, but another part of me is jealous, for the fact that I simply have not been able to embrace such desires in myself.

Now is not the right time - I am not so sure that the 'right time' is quite that easy identifiable. Part of me thinks that such a time is not controllable, and another part of me thinks that if it is not, how do people ever follow such latent desires? I want to have that 9-5 job that lets me grow in the impact that I make and the understanding I develop, but I also want to get on a random-numbered bus RIGHT now and see where it takes me, with no certain knowledge of how I will get home. Will I get home? How about that car hop? There are so many things I want to create reflect/ affect upon in the world, but I am having a hard time levelling with the deep-seeded feeling that I need to follow a traditional and rooted trajectory to make such things happen for myself. I also know that it does not take knowing me real well to be able to identify within me the necessity to explore such crazy ideas - just letting them bounce around in my head with no expiration date (these ideas have AMAZing shelf life, I must say) will leave me feeling unsatisfied.