Thursday, February 28, 2008

Changing spaces

Where the hell has the month gone? Looking back upon writing my first entry to this abysmal bloggything, it seems to have been so long to long. My writing has found homes in several places as of late - I like to keep as much of one thing in one place as I possibly can, but it never seems a success to push this idea. Much like the small spaces - I do not think opening up the small space will create an upward spiral in the collection of unnecessary things.

I do know that I am feeling everything but modivated to finish up the job that needs it - I am not sure if this comes out of attachment, distraction or something I cannot detect. I think the moving plays into a need for adventure, for change. Though, I am not sure how much I few mile jump can dig into this desire as I see everyone around me making their own moves, their own changes. I need more time to pour over these feelings, but rather than allowing myself the chance to do so, I pack my time with things that are 'more valuble to my future.' Yes, quite.

Prescription future, I guess. Looking to avoid getting this bottle. It is hard when you are the seeker as well as the refuser. But 'it's hard' complaints to self do not do much when you are able to find routes for change, but unable to push yourself into them. Remembering a few things - I do not have a professor to answer to, homework due dates, only the personal desire to maintain responsible communication, because I value people who conduct themselves in a way that respects others. I have often fallen upon desires to simply not return emails, to missing meetings, to simply just NOT DO things that I do not want to do. However, the reason why I end up getting these things on my radar can be placed only upon me - no one forces me into doing 'to much,' into agreeing to involvement on things that are not truly THAT important to me, etc. Saying yes to the look good is a disease that I cannot really shake. I like the busy, but I think I operate on extreme misconceptions of what that means. Or not what that means, but what I desire out my said busy. I desire to make my life full, to spend my time doing things that matter, to not simply waste ANY time at all to pass it on to the next thing that matters; I want EVERYTHING, every moment to matter. This is where the misconception happens.

Re-adjusting this idea. Full life, not busy life. Who is to say that a full life does not involve rambling to oneself about what they notice in life (me, probably)? This is equally productive and important to working for money, if not more. Equally important and productive to freelance marketing for dance companies. Herein lies my problem on this possibly - I thought being able to re-adjust when I do freelance work with when I socialize would make me feel more flexible and random, but I think it has done the opposite; I often feel like any 'free time' I have left should be devoted to these freelace projects. This is similar to me thinking I would generate more flexibility by having just ONE journal rather than splitting my normal one and my art. Upon trying this for a few months, I found that melding everything together became more stressful. So, schedule the time and do not change it. If you do not get everything done, push things back - they probably realize, in hiring someone at a VERY nomial price, that they will have to adjust to the amount that I can get done, when I can do it.

Tangental. On to be modivated.

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