Saturday, January 24, 2009

The Figuring

Figuring between 'should I stay or should I go now?' The desired answer is the former, but plans do not always form and carry themselves out because they are what you want. You can think on such things all you want, but thinking does nothing to resolve them. I often use my writing as a forum to solve my own issues, but when the issue at hand involves variables outside yourself, there is not much to be done until each variable decides to make progress on a solution. Progress on whether or not I will be coming back to Canada will be made soon, in fact, sooner than I expected, but it is nerve-racking all the same. I believe this is part of why I liked my 'I have several operating strategies,' and 'gypsying' phases of mind. With no particularly decisive feelings toward any of my options, I was free to float about them all, glowing in possibility. I suppose this is something I should check in on - better to have several options for next year than to be stuck with one desired path.

In speaking with Talia about this the other day, she had to remind me that we still have half a year left of the program, and that letting these kind of worries consume me already would be an injustice to what we already have. Ealier in the year, she had a revelation to try and live in the moment more often. I remember talking with her about this, and it certainly does only seem fitting that she offer this frame of mind to me. When thinking in this way, it is easy to also remember one of my most simple new year's resolutions - to show my gratitude more often. When considering this more, it seems that this does not only apply to showing others that I am grateful for their actions, but also to allow myself to be grateful for what I have helped myself to attain. Sure, there will always be ways that what one has in the present could be deemed better (in this situation, it would be knowing that I will be back next year), but these things should not discount what one is already in the midst of enjoying. Not allowing onself to enjoy what is already on their plate only lets the food get cold, and spoils the appetite for what might be placed on the plate later.

Keeping in mind that I seem to have done everything I can up to this point to influence the future, I am going to try and actively pursue being grateful for what is happening now.