Saturday, March 19, 2011

I suck at finding the right key.

I suck at finding the right key. That was the first sentence that seemed to want to come out. This is not the kind of work that can be done with distraction in the background? How does he do it?

Defining successes. Seems like it sure is hard to know if you have accomplished anything if you do not first decide how to identify accomplishment. Success.

How is it that everything you do not want to do just seems to get harder with each thing you do that you DO want? It is a taste of the good wine. What are the limitations to the good wine? How often are you teaching? Who are you teaching? I want to create dances that are kinetic, physically pushing, I want to do leaps and turns and things that challenge me. Where? How? Go get it and bring it back. Only so much that can be done at once? Would it be easier to do with the feeling of less financial strain, or would it just feel like temporary compromise in the face of attempting non-compromise? One sure does not know until it is tried. But the constraints of the familiar are easy to keep the kite tied down. If everything is a spinning plate balancing on a tiny stick, what happens when the plate stops spinning so fast? Or stops spinning all together?

Larger things; what if you never find out what happens, out of the desire to maintain complete composure despite lack of exact fit? It's like that pair of jeans. Once you have found them, you never want to take them off. But how long does it take, wandering from mall to mall to thrift store, pushing through options on racks upon racks? At a certain point, do you just give up wanting that pair of jeans?

The things I say I'd do with my 'time.' Where are my friends? Can I work on my crafts while we watch TV? Would it even be fun, or am I too tired? I'm too tired, at least in the usual TV watching context.

I felt really strange today, spending time in a mall, looking at things that I do not prioritize for, spending time that could have been spent catching up on the world. There is only so much you can do of each, depending upon your reality and desire it seems. You know what happens when there are walls around? You wonder what is outside of them. And for the compulsive wonderers?

I have located the things I enjoy, and now it is locating how to do more of those things and less of others. What a profound statement that was. I used to spend a lot of time doing things like this, and having it feel more paramount to my existence. That being said, that was also at a time that I had less people in my physical proximity and really wasn't working.

All of this stream is REALLY fragmented today. These are all tributaries to one bigger river. Kind of like this ass sitting where it is right now, kind of like the idea of being out somewhere else, with people. When might I like the thing that is happening best? Is there a term for people who compulsively think about the future? I hate labels. I wouldn't say this tendency causes a whole ton of worry (some, for sure, but that seems pretty normal). It is more a result of being the opposite of a procrastinator, someone always seeking what might be the next best opportunity for making everything that is happening better than it is. Now, this sounds nice in theory. In not theory, what it does is drive a girl crazy by never letting her enjoy what is happening when it is. is.

Better money at the Muff. Be ok with that or still feel like the skills are not being developed? Keep paying for the Y? Teaching? Letting things come as they will. Wasn't the idea to let pursuits be the way I develop skills? But how do I make that tangible for future employers? BAH. Too much thinking and not enough living seems like a hard pill to swallow when the current living is not 75% good at least. But what factors into that number?

Success as a choreographer:
- To push my interests and continue developing
- To provide paying opportunities for dancers
- To be recognized by the community
- To have opportunities to show work elsewhere

Success as a performer:
- Paid opportunities
- Opportunities to perform with people I respect
- Performing with people respected in the community

I am hitting many of these ideas as we speak (or have very recently). Maybe I should fixate less on the proper position and more on the skills I enjoy using and would like to develop;
- Event planning and coordination
- All details that surround this (staff management, billing, marketing, etc).

Unfortunately, my interests are shared by many others. Aw, well. I am awesome!

Maybe I really did just want to hang at home tonight. :) Do I want to play the bass or sell it? Dedicate time to a hobby that needs time for me to get good at? At least it doesn't cost anything to practice at home! This string of thoughts does not seem to be going anywhere coherent. I really want to go on a run. I'll need it tomorrow. Nice, then? No, of course it's going to rain! Yoga teacher training? What really IS my interest in getting people moving? Helping them by showing them awesome dance? Cultivating ideas about why it is good? Is it really actually teaching classes or writing about the benefits? I think I might be best off reaping the benefits for myself. Maybe I should try to start teaching social dance? Swing/ Latin/ etc? I do not want to get stuck in partner stuff. My passion is not for weight equipment, that is for sure. I really like writing. General coordination around a cause I support seems like a good idea to me. If I am not creating the work, I should go to the work that has been created. Now I just have to keep my eye out for the right fit. Well, I'm not going to try hoping in that boat too fast when I just hopped in the PT boat and am not sure I am even going to use it. I should probably do myself a favor and let it come to me in it's time.