Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Quite the time...

Quite the time, in a lot of ways.

Quite the time to feverishly plan, yet attempt to live out the moments as they pass. Quite the time to pack. Quite the time to do nearly too much to make not quite enough. That, however, seems to be the name of the game, in ways. In ways. I do not say this because I desire to resign myself to such a scenario, but to help myself be comfortable with it as I work to make change.

i.e., I am not proud of wearing a 'starving artist' badge, like the boastfulness that comes off the friend you have who wears their badge of 'busy-ness' pride. You know who I'm talking about. Everyone has at least one of these. Don't get me wrong, I like, every now and then, to commiserate about the levels of  busy required to keep my cash life flowing, talking of these things with people who share my situation. But if it becomes my badge of honor, someone please turn up your music as I speak. Maybe I'll take the hint.

Wandering in and out of satisfaction with myself, I imagine that most of things that are currently (and usually) hanging me up are just that; things I imagine. Somehow, that does not make them any less real in the conceptual place that is my mind. These products of my imagination love to make me feel guilty; am I not spending enough time with my friends? Have I taken on too much? Did I teach a good class? When I think deep in on it, I KNOW I am doing great things, and that friends, family, co-workers and managers are satisfied with me. This is the bitch of being a person with high expectations.

In those very few scenarios where we question the worth of our performances, we get caught in a tangle of self-questioning that can pull down progress. I chose specifically to avoid saying self-doubt, as I do not think I doubt myself. I DO question, as a curious mind cannot help such a habit.

I fear that these tendencies might lead me to ruin if I do not continue to tread very carefully along the line of 'not quite enough' and 'a little too much' as I navigate how much I can take on at one time, both personally and professionally. So, the things I will continue to repeat to myself as I prepare to again jaunt to the rockies for a spell....

'You are not moving to China.'
'Learning how to prioritize is a constant process.'
'Life is what happens while you are making plans for the future.'

A thank you to the wise and supportive folks around me who understand that need to repeat, and know exactly what to tell me to include in that cycle :)