Saturday, July 30, 2011


On my way to it. All the time. I am becoming convinced that this isn't something that stops at any time, it just keeps going. Kind of like non-profit funding; the asking for money never does stop, dad. Unfortunate but true.

In this case, I know it's true, but I'm thinking that it isn't unfortunate. Each experience you take in leads you to another, some times what you expect, and other times what you do not. My mental process surrounding taking this job brought me to the fear of being pressed into one kind of lifestyle. I find it curious what I elect to worry about, as my mother's reminder of 'nothing's permanent' flashes through my head. Yes indeed, nothing is permanent, and each thing helps bring you closer to fuller understanding of the best way you can function.

My progression crossroads seem to have brought me to a for-now conclusion regarding schooling; my masters will either be non-profit admin or dance. After thinking about and researching many other options, I have come to realize that it really is ok to be surface-interested in many, many things. You do not have to have formal training in something to know about it. These realizations were comfortable ones that calmed my brain. I can be interested in public health and neuroscience and nutrition, and not have take on any of them in a formal work scenario. I keep finding, the more I traverse through life, that the things I don't think too much about, but just do because I am drawn to them (because I HAVE to), turn out to be the things I truly want to be doing. Making shows, performing, administrating; these are the things that I continue to find myself doing. No matter how crazy they drive me sometimes, they are what I keep finding myself rotate around. That said, what passion and being driven crazy kind of come together; your passion drives you crazy and your crazy drives you passion.

Back at it; it's nice to accept that maybe I should just keep doing what I am doing, knowing that 'what I am doing' or 'what I want to be doing' is certain subject to change. I may find, in being in this job, one of three things; 1.) I want to make my future in admin - non-profit admin masters, 2.) I want to let my future be embellished, but not driven by admin, choosing dance instead or 3.) That there is a different interest lurking in the background. Obviously, there are a number of other things that could happen, but I selected the most obvious ones. Part of me already has this gut feeling that I will be going back for a dance masters, or sociology or history with an emphasis in dance, but who knows? I guess that is the moral of life story; who knows?

Future 'planning' like this certainly puts into perspective the need to 'plan' more than just my career for where I am headed. I am committed to someone, and that has it's needs in interaction with my career and other choices. I may be a person who loves to work and is career oriented, but I am also a person who loves her friends and family. It's crazy how, like joints and bones, decisions/ choices and people are connected.

So on I traverse. I do hope and plan to put attention into a couple things; I need to think carefully about how my choices will impact me/us financially, as well as in terms of general living, and I certainly hope that the people who are connected to my life think the same way. Man alive, life is complicated. My sense of this grows with each day.

In the midst of these figurings, there are a couple important things to remember;

'It will always look better in the morning,' and 'Give the benefit of the doubt.'

Thank you, mom and grandma!