Friday, April 29, 2011

Someone Talked About Writing

A shopping bag of mixed feelings. If I were putting together a recipe of some kind, I'd be an Italian-style pad-Thai with Belgian chocolate infusions. Yep. I am really excited to get to 'be an artist' this weekend and next week, but another part of me has been eaten up by job 'troubles,' ie feeling like the perfect scenario just won't come, and in being disappointed with what I am doing. Now that I have physically expressed that, I am ashamed to even have been thinking it. I KNOW that what I am doing is awesome and amazing, yet somehow it does not stop me from comparing myself. I don't think this is a 'just me' sort of thing, I think it is a human thing, but that does not put a wrench in how inevitably un-helpful and and pointless it is. Yet, we do it. Why? Shouldn't your best standard of comparison be your own dreams?

I think I am realizing that a part of this is that I may be letting the dreams of others stand in where I would put my own. I have a lot of things that interest me and I am ultimately very excited about the world, but I am not sure I have a good definition of some precise or even ballpark dreams. My wide array of interests and desires always keeps me from focusing in. Now, I know I am capable of going the exact opposite way and charting an exact, by-the-year pathway of what I am going to do and how I am going to do it (yes been there, done that), but I know now that doesn't work either. It is the extreme opposite end.

I think there must be a great deal of skill in knowing your achievable (yet still shooting-high) dreams and encouraging their development while letting the rest take care of itself. That is where the grey area is; up to what point can you encourage development before you are an obsessed meddler who cannot enjoy their own life? I think this also begs questions of 'what is enjoy?' I think a lot of people see enjoyment as 'free time,' or time away from what they are doing on a regular basis. I do not want my enjoyment to be 'time away.' What I enjoy most is usually related to my overall goals. But here; because these goals are 'serious,' is it then harder to release into plain enjoyment? Who knows.

I know a perfect balance won't just show up when you snap your fingers. In fact, it will never show up. That's the thing. This idea of perfection. This thought certainly isn't new (which ones are?), but just a reminder to myself and anyone else who may find it valuable that perfection is non-existent, and that it not sad, it's awesome. It keeps us striving for more. Yet, in order for that awesomeness to accepted, I think it needs to come along with a certain amount of ability to be content.

What I really cannot figure out is why what people around me are doing seems ok or even awesome to me when I am doing similar or even more, yet for me it's not enough? Maybe I see what they are doing as enough because they are content with where they are, and that really does come across. I want that contentment. What brings this contentment to the lives of my friends? Do they KNOW that they are doing everything that can to get to where they want, and are comfortable with letting progress happen as it does, are they hiding that they are not completely content? I cannot figure this out.

It seems that I am afraid that if I allow in contentment, I also allow in room for slowing down or stagnating. Maybe so. But how worth it is it really to barrel forward if you cannot enjoy what you accomplish along the way?

I feel like a write an iteration of this same post every three or four months. I just keep coming back to this. A good reminder that some stances do not figure themselves out over the course of a couple months?

I think a good place to leave this is that my awareness of the tendencies discussed above is a good place to start. General concept of psychology? Maybe. True and probably helpful? Yes.

Monday, April 25, 2011

"You Can't get caught in the 'web of words.'"

Harvard Center for Brain Research

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Where Goed March?

Wow, it has been quite some time since this blog has past a whole month with no post. Well, I could probably check my logic on that, as it IS public record. Maybe it just feels that way, as I do hate to go too long without pouring some word out onto page.

I have been pretty dippy trippy lately. Things that I 'should not take personal' are affecting me so. But what exactly is it about job rejection and misunderstood ambition that ISN'T personal? I have always thought that the phrase is somewhat of a misnomer. If something negative comes down to you as a result of a way you have acted or your qualifications or really anything else driven directly by a quality you possess, of course it is personal.

While this may sound negative, I certainly do not mean it so. After the initial shock of something negative, resilient people like myself (or at least I think I am or am trying to convince myself so) use this personal feeling as extra motivation to bounce back. A jumping off pad for improvement. For me, I think the most difficult thing about an idea like that is the need to accept that improvement does not happen overnight. I have never been among the most patient of people, and that is most difficult when it comes to trying to improv life trajectory. I have a tendency to identify what I think I need to improve and how I think I can do it, but that process is often lengthier than I'd wish it. Here is simply another chapter in my seemingly never-ending ode to developing patience.

I am often envious of my friends who enjoy going with the flow. I do have to say that I sometimes hope they are envious of my organizational abilities. I suppose this is why people build relationships - to learn from one another's best qualities.

I'm not sure exactly where this is headed, but by does it feel good to be getting some words ie brain-reel out. I had a lovely birthday, one that passed by too quickly due to my own obligations and those of the others with whom I was celebrating. Another one passed by with a lot of pomp, but still the feeling that there was not enough time. There never is. I am not sure if this is sad or a profound reason to be as aware and involved as possible in moments as they take place. I'll go with number two. Because I have that choice.

This has always been hard for me to embrace, mostly out of the worry that I'll stop trying to better myself. I realize this is ridiculous; I am not capable of that, and that's even more clear when I write it down. So why worry? The answer is because I am good at it, and practiced :)

So my birthday horoscope told me; This year grows a new and more confident you. A financial boost will improve many parts of your life. Professional goals will lead you far from your comfort zone. You'll become masterful at a very difficult task because you keep practicing. A special relationship brings blissful times. Cancer and Leo people are your enthusiastic supporters. Your lucky numbers are: 5, 19, 33, 28 and 1.

"New and more confident" - minimize the worrying? "Financial boost" - long-time coming. But this is where the worry comes in; I don't like resting on my laurels because my horoscope said my financial situation would better itself. Those kind of things never better themselves on their own. They require action by you. The trick now is to minimize any time spent on worry and focus it in on doing everything within my reach and time to better the situation, while enjoying my current goings-on. "Professional goals far from comfort zone" - I'd say this must speak to my desire to bone up on my business skills that are lacking, particularly in the financial area. AHH! NUMBERS!!! Out of the comfort zone for sure. "Masterful at a difficult task" - again, business financial skills? Or who knows? I'd love to pick up a new skill or get better at an old one. I have been dying to be in technically challenging dance classes on a more regular basis, and that includes ballet. "Blissful times" - excellent. This area of the world is awesome already, so bring on the bliss!

So, where goed March? Where goed my birthday? Things pass when you are busy worrying about what's next. Keep looping that reminder, Erinn.