The In-Giving

Yes. The holy kind.

I have made way for a blog. I literally went back and forth and back and forth several times this evening between my typey desires and lifting my pen into my composition notebook as I usually find myself doing (depending upon how you qualify usually - I have not been so much making it a habit as of late). There is something strangely comforting about the noise of typing - you know things are happening. However, there is a strange presence of un-retrievable back-log on something like this - it gives me an almost irresistible urge to print out copies of anything important I have ever written and had the audacity to leave only in digital copy.

There is also something enchanting in knowing that any random person may read this - I am not sure how to read that. Another part of me notes the self-indulgence of this - to spend time wondering who and how many will read this, if they will comment, if taking up space in the world wide web (whatever that means) with my I am sure well-done comments about such things. Why not simply write them into your journal in that case? Strangely, I guess my enchantment is due to the fact that I DO like to, from time to time, read the blogs of my friends - I feel as though such things get people reading and processing and thinking more, regardless of content. When thinking about what kind of hobby I would rather see people invest themselves in, I have to admit many times over I would rather see it put here than in a static staring into the tv.

Plan it. Rewind it. The rewind button has no place in this life - reflection is all fine and good, but reflection only casts a shadow of what used to exist - the rewind button is an attempt to go back in time, check happenings again to see if there is a way to create alteration. I guess this could be begged to be differed with in the fact that art is often all about revision - your opportunity to create life commentary of some sort, and then change your mind over the course of time and in turn change your product.

This kind of writing for me often ends up being my outlet for quick mind-set shifts; I am often so decisive in my speech that there is not a lot of room for quick-shift. However, the quick shift happens a great deal on the large, hard to deal with things that often do not find room in casual conversation to be addressed.

Deciding what is and is not a waste of time. And of money (which seems to be the 'more importantly' all too often). It is relatively easy to figure out that there is more where that came from. However, it is also relatively easy to worry about. Planned movements. How about constant? Constant movement lends to the idea that settling is nowhere in the near future. Is this why people jam-pack their schedules? Very well could be. People, yes. People. Constant motion is not always improvised. Searching/finding/ selecting mood and trying to figure out how much say you have in it. Can it be chosen? Can it wear out? What do you mean the Goo Goo Dolls are not together anymore? And they also are not cool? Shit. But yes, often not improvised - the planned kind gets in the way of the improvised shit that ques itself in you, but sometimes the phone is too busy to get picked up. Often too busy. Business generated so as to not have to deal with latent desires to pick up the phone and let the improv begin. The attractiveness of improvisation is easy to observe from the sidelines, but not so easy to intercept and impliment. Britt's crazy shit on one hand drives me crazy and makes me wonder about her ability to follow through with anything, but another part of me is jealous, for the fact that I simply have not been able to embrace such desires in myself.

Now is not the right time - I am not so sure that the 'right time' is quite that easy identifiable. Part of me thinks that such a time is not controllable, and another part of me thinks that if it is not, how do people ever follow such latent desires? I want to have that 9-5 job that lets me grow in the impact that I make and the understanding I develop, but I also want to get on a random-numbered bus RIGHT now and see where it takes me, with no certain knowledge of how I will get home. Will I get home? How about that car hop? There are so many things I want to create reflect/ affect upon in the world, but I am having a hard time levelling with the deep-seeded feeling that I need to follow a traditional and rooted trajectory to make such things happen for myself. I also know that it does not take knowing me real well to be able to identify within me the necessity to explore such crazy ideas - just letting them bounce around in my head with no expiration date (these ideas have AMAZing shelf life, I must say) will leave me feeling unsatisfied.