Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Cycling

I find myself feeling odd about what fits into what time and when it does it's fitting.

Canada/ Home/ Gone Back to Canada/ Leaving Canada for Home again Very Soon/ Wanting Canada to be Home/ Not Wanting Canada to be Home/ Wanting to Follow Set Plan/ Wanting to Run Away from Set Plan

Good thing there are a lot of plans, and none of them (seemingly) set other than returning home for the summer for an onslaught of weddings. Seems simultaneously a great and silly reason to be returning home.

I see myself so transient. I can see pieces of a life accompanying such a transient self (life-long friends, family, love for the Twin Cities, dancing, desire for randomness), and now it is just a matter of figuring out how these pieces can fit when transient is not just a feeling. I suppose this move to Canada was the beginnings of transient, and it certainly is not as hard as I expected it to be, because I know now, more than ever, that home will always be there and I will probably always find ways to go. In talking with Bri last night, I also realized now, even more than ever, that I am not the only person in my life whose path has strayed from home (right now or whenever). Sarah did, Bri did, the list could go on. But we are still friends. We may be different for it, I know we are different for it. Different friends to one another, different people to overselves. Regarding this, there is truth in the idea that life naturally is a series of changes, some bigger and some smaller than others. To fear their effect on your life will only stiffle your relationships, because change happens in and outside your control.

These words could be looked on as the contents of a big pill to dissolve worry, but I do not look at them so. I see these words as the layout of a menu with several (hopefully) yummy selections.

More concretely; I want to come back to Calgary next year. I want to go to grad school next year. I want to be home for the summer. I want to go to Chicago next year. I want to be home all next year. Some of these desires are stronger than others (in fact, I would venture to suggest that they subconciously organized themselves in order of strongest to weakest in desire, but the difference in their order is quite small). One thing that can be said for sure; Any of these inside and outside of control changes will certainly keep me on a path of figuring out how my body digests the choices I have made from the menu.

3 comments:

Kris said...

I was thinking this post was going to be about cycling as in bike riding... I suppose it is too cold for that...

Planned Movements said...

Oh you.

Адам said...

Haha.. just wait until we have beer/coffee beverage conversationing time in the next month. I'm catching your feel. Also fits to say that 'I've been there,' as you do have the fever now and it only grows. Being tied more and more deeply into two geographically distant areas takes you for a whirlwind of a ride with ups and downs seemingly every day, week, month, and as I'm currently experiencing, year. Conditions change, people appear and fade, and what seems to 'work' changes its definition, scope and (shit, Russian word blocking my translation..) well, meaning for the spatially wider sense of your life.

I'm glad to hear that you're on your way up and finding the dream with more bits of dreamsicle in it! Will try to send a decent conversational bit of electronic post very soon.

A.