Saturday, April 4, 2009

Methods of Strumming

Dragged strumming. No picks, just fingers. Lacking definition, but comfortably soft. A comfort level that can only be maintained so long while remaining comfortable. But straying away to a new method brings new challenges and new ways of presentation. Such a leaping off point can be its own method of comfortable, if the subject is ready and wanting of the challenge. If the ready and wanting are not present, neither is comfort.

I am not too sure if I need a pick or just my fingers, nor do I know which is which for what is desired. That is most likely due to the fact that the subject of want is still quite unclear. Each way to stray seems to have its benefits and drawbacks. I am feeling a bit of a dent in the side of my zepplin after talking with my assumed summer employer this morning. Laid two people off this year? Not surprising. What is; unsure as to if they will be hiring anyone for the summer, as the current employees have been at one another for shifts and the patio opening is likely to assuage the situation. I have experienced no worry about summer employment up to this point. This dent has caused me to evaluate with more fervor the situation I am about to walk into, and how much I am really looking forward to it. I want coming home to be a re-charge, a refreshing stop between now and what is to come next on the grand scheme of career betterment in dance. With the prospective assumed job looking dim, I cannot help but feel dim about it all in general - I question if this time back will in fact be a pit-stop, or if I will instead fall in the ditch. I know myself well enough to know that I will not ALLOW myself to fall in the ditch, but the worry of course still crosses the mind. Doubt is an extremely common part of the human condition, yes? Or I will choose to believe so in order to work on tapping out the dent on the zepplin.

Truly, everything does work itself out, but I have extreme difficulty not having a plan of some sort. In general, I have been working to operate with a casual demeanor in regards to the directions my life takes, but for the most part, the point of the compass has been somewhat clear throughout. It is arguable to say that it still is, as I know physically where I will be in a month, where I will sleep, but everything in between those major details is still pretty elusive. I am generally a fan of purposeful positive thinking, but receiving today negative information about the state of my assumed emplyoment for the summer makes it very difficult to continue this purposeful choice and ignore the fact that the unemployment rate in the US at this time is 8.5. Considering that I have not even been in the country for severl months, let alone working consistently for anyone, I do now feel caught up in a current of worry regarding the obtaining the regarding of a job. And yes, true, I do think eventually I will find something, but I lament the wasted time finally getting to it when I could have been working, as well as the fact that it may not pay as well as the assumed job for which I was planning. I am not one to need to much, and I intend to keep a relatively tight budget this summer, but I was looking forward to letting a little bit more loose than I have been these last few months, so as to feel unhindered from doing the things we may want to do while I have time with my loved ones from home. I also heartily dislike putting so much focus on monetary gain, but in light of the hard, unignorable facts that I have been depleating my savings for months now, I cannot help but put focus on this, no matter how much it bothers me.

I suppose some discouraged feelings here and there are natural, but indeed hard to acknowledge them in light of their deflating of feelings of anticipation for your next step, which is in fact only a relatively small stepping stone to the next step. Now it is all a matter of the interaction between feelings that cannot be helped and choices made to decide the method with which I will strum.

1 comment:

Nikki said...

It's okay! No-one here has a job, so we'll do fun cheap and free things.