I cannot read it anymore.
I have tried a couple times over the last couple of years, the lastest time the most successful, getting ALMOST half-way in (the book being a total of 185 pages). 185 pages is something I should rip through in no time. Especially when the book pertains to art. So I guess that just means it is bad....
Which book? ------ "The Romantic Manifesto" by Ayn Rand.
It was my intention to spend some time today thinking creatively by reading this book. When I picked it up to read it, I found myself dreading the time I would spend, taking it only to complete the task I had set forth some several weeks ago. I then decided that I am not a masochist and should not force myself to do things I do not enjoy doing. Wow, what a revelation.
I guess I thought if I continued reading that I would like it, considering that I really enjoyed "The Fountainhead" and "Atlas Shrugged," and consider the former to be one of my favorite books. The source of this favoritism has much to do with the detailed yet light and interesting way she writes, but also with her philosophy - in ways.
These 'ways' match how I am in 'ways' what one might consider conservative politically - I am to a certain extent for the idea of limited government, all about personal responsibility, and can often see the benefits of self-interest (insert Ayn Rand here). At the same time, I am a believer of some government sponsored social programs and in all aspects of human rights.
These ideas being at odds with one another 'in ways' exemplify how, as a 'liberal' artist with personal responsibility streak, my past enjoyment of Ayn Rand is at odds with my current feelings of deterence and desire to laugh at some of her musings. Examples;
"Art is not the means to any didactic end." - Pg. 22
Art is one of the best ways to share moral and ethical ideas, as well as a structure in which to teach such ideas. To suggest that art is merely in the moment and participatory (which are indeed some of its best situations, but not only) is to limit its capacities.
"The product of America's anti-rational, anti-cognitive, "Progressive" education, the hippies, are reverting to the music and drum-beat of the jungle." - Pg. 64
This is just plain hilarious. Back to the idea of participatory and sensory experiences, suggesting that hippies are anti-cognitive is hilarious! If someone is dancing to music or beats, in those moments, all they can think about is the sound and how their body is reacting - could anything be more cognative? Cognation does not need to be planned or forced in order to be experienced, reacted to, and gained from.
"Music is an independent, primary art. Dance is not. In view of their division of labor, the dance is entirely dependent upon music." - Pg. 69
Also just plain funny. I find it interesting that I am actually taking the time to refute this, as an intense purveyor of the idea that dance that is inspired from and exists due to music is not only valid but incredible. However, there certainly is a large piece of me that insists that dance is an act of art in itself that in no way REQUIRES music. In this same line of thought, I also prescribe to the idea that music requires artistic motion - in my mind, dance - to exist. Therefore - dance and music can certainly be lookd upon as free-standing art forms, but when examined deeply, lean on one another to exist. When this thought is broadened, I would go so far as to suggest that no art form can exist without the presence of others silently informing one another.
I did eventually get to Pg. 120, but the last quote from Pg. 69 was so hilarious to me that I did not get much out of the subsequent 50 pages.
So thanks, Ayn, for applying objectivism to art - in defending romanticism alone in creation, you have provided me with several wonderful fits of giggles.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
An Act of Creation - "The House Can't Stand"
A simple one - meditating on and putting into words thoughts on the show I absorbed last night.
"The House Can't Stand," written and performed by Steve Epp and directed by Dominque Serrand, was both a romp through the mind of a wife left alone to her house by a deceased husband and relocated children as well as a stringing together of several politically-minded theatre happenings. Visually, each individual picture the show created (down to the sock on the legs of the table in the set) was brilliant. Yet, those pictures were created from and motivated by both intense characterization and the abandoning of such a labor.
The two artistic minds behind the show created an utterly fascinating character whose actions were equally as fitting later on in the show as they were unexpected at the beginning of the show, speaking to the cultivation of a personality intensely interesting enough on its own. I do not say 'enough' to suggest that such a thing should be left as is when it can be further developed by a fitting storyline or creation of a series of images, but rather to underscore the importance of letting a solid character hold it's weight. I felt that the weight the character created initially was made less so by the amount of randomization that came to pass within the second half of the 'storyline.'
I am also not trying to suggest that any 'good' show MUST have a solid, follow-able storyline; I am simply saying that a very clearly defined character, such as the aging housewife in this play, should be allowed to pull it's weight, and should not have to knock fists with numerous storylines for attention.
At the same time I pull down the value of having too many random things going on, I would like to boost it back up in the fact that the idea and execution of 'happenings,' can be very intriguing by themselves. Transitions from the side of a far-off road to a Hooverville-style tent encampment to the tent of Abraham Lincoln and back again to the suburban house where we started was interesting enough in itself, but my interest was hard to maintain as I tried to sort out the relevance of it all to the character that was earlier on in the play so strongly developed.
In a nutshell, I highly enjoyed the visual and movement aspects of the show - I'll get so specific as to say that I was pre-occupied in a good way by how the character's left leg stayed more straight than the right, even creating an interesting physical profile for how she approached the situations in which she was put. Additionally, I was quite taken by the character created, and the ridiculously witty and relevant one-liners tossed. I just wish the journey I followed her on had a bit more clarity.
"The House Can't Stand," written and performed by Steve Epp and directed by Dominque Serrand, was both a romp through the mind of a wife left alone to her house by a deceased husband and relocated children as well as a stringing together of several politically-minded theatre happenings. Visually, each individual picture the show created (down to the sock on the legs of the table in the set) was brilliant. Yet, those pictures were created from and motivated by both intense characterization and the abandoning of such a labor.
The two artistic minds behind the show created an utterly fascinating character whose actions were equally as fitting later on in the show as they were unexpected at the beginning of the show, speaking to the cultivation of a personality intensely interesting enough on its own. I do not say 'enough' to suggest that such a thing should be left as is when it can be further developed by a fitting storyline or creation of a series of images, but rather to underscore the importance of letting a solid character hold it's weight. I felt that the weight the character created initially was made less so by the amount of randomization that came to pass within the second half of the 'storyline.'
I am also not trying to suggest that any 'good' show MUST have a solid, follow-able storyline; I am simply saying that a very clearly defined character, such as the aging housewife in this play, should be allowed to pull it's weight, and should not have to knock fists with numerous storylines for attention.
At the same time I pull down the value of having too many random things going on, I would like to boost it back up in the fact that the idea and execution of 'happenings,' can be very intriguing by themselves. Transitions from the side of a far-off road to a Hooverville-style tent encampment to the tent of Abraham Lincoln and back again to the suburban house where we started was interesting enough in itself, but my interest was hard to maintain as I tried to sort out the relevance of it all to the character that was earlier on in the play so strongly developed.
In a nutshell, I highly enjoyed the visual and movement aspects of the show - I'll get so specific as to say that I was pre-occupied in a good way by how the character's left leg stayed more straight than the right, even creating an interesting physical profile for how she approached the situations in which she was put. Additionally, I was quite taken by the character created, and the ridiculously witty and relevant one-liners tossed. I just wish the journey I followed her on had a bit more clarity.
Friday, October 23, 2009
The (Fettered) Quest For Adulthood
I just concluded a conversation with a friend that started out as casual and enjoyable, and turned into something that left me questioning my capabilities and investments in particular frienships. This is a bitter, bitter taste in my mouth, as I deem myself someone who takes great care to keep in contact and to do little things for my friends that not only help them, but show them that I care deeply.
It IS possible to be someone who is both opinionated and accepting, rash yet caring, outspoken yet a good listener, modivated yet in balance when it comes to making time with friends, flighty in action yet grounded in sense of purpose, creative and out of ordinary yet respectful of ordinary choices.
I think a lot of people in our age group are beginning to operate under an idea of adulthood that is not complete. Adulthood is not JUST getting married and buying a house (as an aside, I would like to state that I not only see nothing WRONG with those things, I think they are wonderful things that can bring a lot of people a lot of joy, but my thoughts on that should be obvious to anyone who knows me well enough to know that I maintain opinions but NOT judgement), it is much more - it is a process of refining how you interact with the world around you. And that includes the people in it.
This can also be thought of as maturity. I think maturity is another concept that many people our age think they possess, when certain elements are either missing or inappropriately assessed. People who are mature can also be people who dress silly just for the fun of it, people who do not have a 'proper' job in order to allow other elements of life to take precedence, people who randomly get in their car for day-long road trips just because they had the urge. In order to be mature, people who do these things also; make sure that their silly dress fits within the codes of the places where they work, they carefully plan how their job can provide them with a steady income to do other things, they make sure that the random road trip does not directly affect other people close within their life or their work schedule.
An element of being mature at this age is to be able to comfortably state an opinion or personal issue to someone they trust or deem a friend, knowing the other person (if they too possess this element) will be able to understand that talking about such things is coming from a good place and not one of accusation. No matter how 'adult' the job, the dwelling, the relationship situation - if one chooses to talk about people to others rather than to the person themself this important element of adulthood - maturity - has not yet been found.
It IS possible to be someone who is both opinionated and accepting, rash yet caring, outspoken yet a good listener, modivated yet in balance when it comes to making time with friends, flighty in action yet grounded in sense of purpose, creative and out of ordinary yet respectful of ordinary choices.
I think a lot of people in our age group are beginning to operate under an idea of adulthood that is not complete. Adulthood is not JUST getting married and buying a house (as an aside, I would like to state that I not only see nothing WRONG with those things, I think they are wonderful things that can bring a lot of people a lot of joy, but my thoughts on that should be obvious to anyone who knows me well enough to know that I maintain opinions but NOT judgement), it is much more - it is a process of refining how you interact with the world around you. And that includes the people in it.
This can also be thought of as maturity. I think maturity is another concept that many people our age think they possess, when certain elements are either missing or inappropriately assessed. People who are mature can also be people who dress silly just for the fun of it, people who do not have a 'proper' job in order to allow other elements of life to take precedence, people who randomly get in their car for day-long road trips just because they had the urge. In order to be mature, people who do these things also; make sure that their silly dress fits within the codes of the places where they work, they carefully plan how their job can provide them with a steady income to do other things, they make sure that the random road trip does not directly affect other people close within their life or their work schedule.
An element of being mature at this age is to be able to comfortably state an opinion or personal issue to someone they trust or deem a friend, knowing the other person (if they too possess this element) will be able to understand that talking about such things is coming from a good place and not one of accusation. No matter how 'adult' the job, the dwelling, the relationship situation - if one chooses to talk about people to others rather than to the person themself this important element of adulthood - maturity - has not yet been found.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
A New Artists Statement
How is this for change?
Artist Statement, February 2008:
I began my involvement with dance as an energetic child who enjoyed being in motion and exploring life’s possibilities while playing dress-up. Noticing this, my parents enrolled me in dance class, and a pairing of innocent preferences developed into a passion for the art of dancing. My formal dance education at the U of M helped me identify the capability to focus on an objective, utilize determination, put to work my ability to be resourceful, and to correctly attend to my strengths and weaknesses regarding the pursuit of a multi-faceted career revolving around dance.
Though in hot pursuit of a professional life with variety, I have been surprised since graduation to note how important the production of my own creative work has become. I have seemed to lock into the medium of movement because it has constant shift – no two performances are ever the same. I have also begun to notice my increasing disillusionment with words. In a society that is increasingly injected with more digital images and sounds everyday, there is something refreshing about working with and viewing a physical, human body. Further, the rapidly-spreading societal plague of being ‘too busy’ and in need of constant convenience makes me feel as though people are frequently missing out on the small but poignant moments in life. If there is any a time to stop and notice, it is in witnessing the messages human bodies can transmit while moving with intention. I have often thought that my interest in this subject matter comes from my inherent need for organization and resulting tendencies to miss out on chance happenings. I yearn to break free from such habits, and look upon creation of performance art as a chance to communicate how I constantly see related predicaments in others. It is the central idea helping people identify and address their tendencies toward such complacency in life which pushes me forward.
*********
Artist Statement October 2009:
A Twin-Cities-based performer, choreographer, producer, administrator, teacher and writer/theorist, I seek to refine my creative interests in rhythmic and musical dance, specifically jazz and socially-related forms, through a series of many expected and unexpected experiences.
I began my involvement with dance as an energetic child who enjoyed being in motion and exploring life’s possibilities while playing dress-up. Noticing this, my parents enrolled me in dance class, and a pairing of innocent preferences developed into a passion for the art of dancing. My formal dance education at the University of Minnesota helped me identify the capability to focus on an objective, utilize determination, put to work my ability to be resourceful, and to correctly attend to my strengths and weaknesses. In the pursuit of a professional life with variety, I have enjoyed working in many capacities as a dance artist, yet the production of my own creative work has consistently come to the forefront of my efforts. In the search to define my creative impulses, I have been trying to break down why it is that I love to dance, and have come to find one constant; I love to create and match with my body the rhythms and musical qualities that I hear and sense.
I enjoy dancing socially just as much as I enjoy dancing in a concert setting, and the common thread between those two things is music. Musicians savor a close relationship between their ears and mind, and by throwing in the additional element of the eyes, musically-motivated dancers develop a keen relationship between the operation their body and the acting of listening to music; in short, they create a visceral absorbing of and response to music. Our bodies run on the rhythm of the heart, and this intense human experience alone is enough to create purposeful, satisfying, engaging and visceral dance, particularly when matched with just the right tune. The sheer variety of rhythmically connected music and dance creates seemingly endless possibilities for movement and idea explorations, as well as an electric environment fostering the constant wonder of could be done next. Truly understanding musicality, rhythm and honesty in emotion can provide a solid base for successfully and whole-heartedly catapulting into new musical and movement territory.
Within these explorations, I seek to define how dancers can embrace integrity and honesty to their personal experiences as a way to access a piece’s intention, providing them a way to truly connect to and therefore better understand and present the work. Intention within my work often relates to how embracing the need for constant convenience and the idea of being ‘too busy’ can cause people to miss out on the small but poignant moments in life.
My enjoyment of creating and matching with my body the rhythms and musical qualities that I hear and sense, connecting to the music, versatility, the creation and embracing of humanness and personal integrity through abstract movement, and the desire to assist people in opening up their eyes to the small, poignant moments are the things that move me forward (well, in many directions actually) as a choreographer and versatile dance artist.
**********
Reading one against the other really puts into perspective how much I have come into my own regarding my thoughts on dance in the last year and a half. I was about to type 'how my thoughts on dance have changed,' and realized that to be far from true; this new artist statement sums up the things that have always been operating in the back of my head, even through my time studying modern and post-modern dance in college. While delving deeply into that kind of thought around dance was something I value and would never take back, I am feeling relieved that I have found the right place for that information in my brain, and am beginning to learn how to let my heart lead instead.
And when my heart leads (and lets my head come with), I know now what is powering it and how to describe it.
Artist Statement, February 2008:
I began my involvement with dance as an energetic child who enjoyed being in motion and exploring life’s possibilities while playing dress-up. Noticing this, my parents enrolled me in dance class, and a pairing of innocent preferences developed into a passion for the art of dancing. My formal dance education at the U of M helped me identify the capability to focus on an objective, utilize determination, put to work my ability to be resourceful, and to correctly attend to my strengths and weaknesses regarding the pursuit of a multi-faceted career revolving around dance.
Though in hot pursuit of a professional life with variety, I have been surprised since graduation to note how important the production of my own creative work has become. I have seemed to lock into the medium of movement because it has constant shift – no two performances are ever the same. I have also begun to notice my increasing disillusionment with words. In a society that is increasingly injected with more digital images and sounds everyday, there is something refreshing about working with and viewing a physical, human body. Further, the rapidly-spreading societal plague of being ‘too busy’ and in need of constant convenience makes me feel as though people are frequently missing out on the small but poignant moments in life. If there is any a time to stop and notice, it is in witnessing the messages human bodies can transmit while moving with intention. I have often thought that my interest in this subject matter comes from my inherent need for organization and resulting tendencies to miss out on chance happenings. I yearn to break free from such habits, and look upon creation of performance art as a chance to communicate how I constantly see related predicaments in others. It is the central idea helping people identify and address their tendencies toward such complacency in life which pushes me forward.
*********
Artist Statement October 2009:
A Twin-Cities-based performer, choreographer, producer, administrator, teacher and writer/theorist, I seek to refine my creative interests in rhythmic and musical dance, specifically jazz and socially-related forms, through a series of many expected and unexpected experiences.
I began my involvement with dance as an energetic child who enjoyed being in motion and exploring life’s possibilities while playing dress-up. Noticing this, my parents enrolled me in dance class, and a pairing of innocent preferences developed into a passion for the art of dancing. My formal dance education at the University of Minnesota helped me identify the capability to focus on an objective, utilize determination, put to work my ability to be resourceful, and to correctly attend to my strengths and weaknesses. In the pursuit of a professional life with variety, I have enjoyed working in many capacities as a dance artist, yet the production of my own creative work has consistently come to the forefront of my efforts. In the search to define my creative impulses, I have been trying to break down why it is that I love to dance, and have come to find one constant; I love to create and match with my body the rhythms and musical qualities that I hear and sense.
I enjoy dancing socially just as much as I enjoy dancing in a concert setting, and the common thread between those two things is music. Musicians savor a close relationship between their ears and mind, and by throwing in the additional element of the eyes, musically-motivated dancers develop a keen relationship between the operation their body and the acting of listening to music; in short, they create a visceral absorbing of and response to music. Our bodies run on the rhythm of the heart, and this intense human experience alone is enough to create purposeful, satisfying, engaging and visceral dance, particularly when matched with just the right tune. The sheer variety of rhythmically connected music and dance creates seemingly endless possibilities for movement and idea explorations, as well as an electric environment fostering the constant wonder of could be done next. Truly understanding musicality, rhythm and honesty in emotion can provide a solid base for successfully and whole-heartedly catapulting into new musical and movement territory.
Within these explorations, I seek to define how dancers can embrace integrity and honesty to their personal experiences as a way to access a piece’s intention, providing them a way to truly connect to and therefore better understand and present the work. Intention within my work often relates to how embracing the need for constant convenience and the idea of being ‘too busy’ can cause people to miss out on the small but poignant moments in life.
My enjoyment of creating and matching with my body the rhythms and musical qualities that I hear and sense, connecting to the music, versatility, the creation and embracing of humanness and personal integrity through abstract movement, and the desire to assist people in opening up their eyes to the small, poignant moments are the things that move me forward (well, in many directions actually) as a choreographer and versatile dance artist.
**********
Reading one against the other really puts into perspective how much I have come into my own regarding my thoughts on dance in the last year and a half. I was about to type 'how my thoughts on dance have changed,' and realized that to be far from true; this new artist statement sums up the things that have always been operating in the back of my head, even through my time studying modern and post-modern dance in college. While delving deeply into that kind of thought around dance was something I value and would never take back, I am feeling relieved that I have found the right place for that information in my brain, and am beginning to learn how to let my heart lead instead.
And when my heart leads (and lets my head come with), I know now what is powering it and how to describe it.
The Passing Of Time
Seems to level things off a bit. Something that can seem frustrating and like the only thing that matters in the world can become extraineous when left to simmer for a length of time. Another way of saying this exists in the immortal words of my wise, world-observing grandmother;
"Things will always look better in the morning."
This advice was passed on to me via my mother, and I find it true time and time again. I tend to fixate on problems at hand so intensely that all other things are shut out of my mind, in turn eventually shutting down my ability to think like a rational person. When I am willing to sink in to this idea of letting go of the thing being fixated upon for now, only with the promise to return to it later, I am able to bypass that fixation due to the perspective gained in what is often just a half a day to a day or so.
Fixation (when it comes to problems) = Stagnation
Fixation (when it comes to creative thoughts) = Thick and exciting new ideas
That is all for formulaic advice today.
"Things will always look better in the morning."
This advice was passed on to me via my mother, and I find it true time and time again. I tend to fixate on problems at hand so intensely that all other things are shut out of my mind, in turn eventually shutting down my ability to think like a rational person. When I am willing to sink in to this idea of letting go of the thing being fixated upon for now, only with the promise to return to it later, I am able to bypass that fixation due to the perspective gained in what is often just a half a day to a day or so.
Fixation (when it comes to problems) = Stagnation
Fixation (when it comes to creative thoughts) = Thick and exciting new ideas
That is all for formulaic advice today.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Big Thoughts
In writing this, I realize that I am not sure where my five-year plan is – the one that I created as a part of my Survival Skills class as a junior in college, over three years ago. This is not so much a problem, considering my ideas of what I would be doing within that time have proved to be drastically different from what I ended up doing – in a great way. I am definitely curious to create comparison, but I have a relatively good idea – perform. I am not sure what the mention of my location happened to be, but location and content definitely ended up different – I found my interest in choreography quite quickly, just a couple months out of school. As school was ending, I specifically remember thinking to myself ‘choreography was fun to do in school, but just not my thing.’ As it turns out, three years from when I wrote that plan, I have produced three shows and had work in three others. Though my stream of ideas is not yet always consistent, my feelings of inspiration definitely are – I have been feeling constantly stimulated by tons of things – people, music, rhythms, situations, landscapes – I feel like I am (almost) never switched off.
Even the breeze that just hit me, as I sit here on my recently-attained Chicago patio feels inspiring. I had a moment of ‘oh no, will I regret it if I leave,’ followed by the realization that the few feelings of inspiration that I have felt in the last few days have been generated by things I could notice and feel in many places – that they are not specific to Chicago. Feeling that breeze and looking around to realize that I am sitting on a high porch of an old, character-filled brick building that soaks in the sounds of salsa and the smells of many different kinds of cuisine – THESE surroundings should make me feel inspired, yet I sit here with the feeling that this just isn’t right traipsing around through my consciousness.
I have only within the last few hours started developing the feeling of wondering about what I may miss out on if I do not stay, though again the rewards reaped from heading to what my heart tells me will likely bypass opportunities I could receive here in the short amount of time I am now willing to stay. Let’s say it was still my plan to stay until I got into the company – I think I could accomplish such I thing. Committing to staying here, I could create an amazing toehold for myself, get connected with some great people, and really get some things going. However, I can feel quite strongly that Chicago is not where my heart is. Particularly with the kind of work I want, my heart cannot be anywhere but with me at all times.
I now find myself pondering the idea that I stay a couple of months to study with JRJP, as I already have an apartment. There is a flaw to this logic – I would still need to find a job – I cannot just spend what I have to be here for a couple of months. Getting a job for a couple months then quitting seems quite silly, unreasonable and hard to attain. Let’s say I stayed two months – with two classes a week from them, I would be getting sixteen classes – I got 15 classes during the week I took the intensive, which I plan to continue taking. I keep flashing back to the idea of wanting to really learn this – which I continue to realize just does not interface with where I want to be in the next even just five years.
My natural tendency is to want to do way more than my time and my brain can actually handle, due simply to the fact that I am a motivated person with many interests. In all this thinking, I realized that I have been maintaining way too many unarranged goals with way too little order and careful thought. “I want to get an MA,” “I want to get a PHD,’ “I want to write books,” “I want to own a dance company in the Twin Cities,” “I want to do research,” “I want to perform.” Throwing in “I want to further pursue this important relationship,” was what really put the breaks on my speeding train of ideas, and forced me to sit down and think about how these things all operate together. I truly did take love, realizing it, voicing it, and most importantly to this rant, moving again, to realize all this.
Even the breeze that just hit me, as I sit here on my recently-attained Chicago patio feels inspiring. I had a moment of ‘oh no, will I regret it if I leave,’ followed by the realization that the few feelings of inspiration that I have felt in the last few days have been generated by things I could notice and feel in many places – that they are not specific to Chicago. Feeling that breeze and looking around to realize that I am sitting on a high porch of an old, character-filled brick building that soaks in the sounds of salsa and the smells of many different kinds of cuisine – THESE surroundings should make me feel inspired, yet I sit here with the feeling that this just isn’t right traipsing around through my consciousness.
I have only within the last few hours started developing the feeling of wondering about what I may miss out on if I do not stay, though again the rewards reaped from heading to what my heart tells me will likely bypass opportunities I could receive here in the short amount of time I am now willing to stay. Let’s say it was still my plan to stay until I got into the company – I think I could accomplish such I thing. Committing to staying here, I could create an amazing toehold for myself, get connected with some great people, and really get some things going. However, I can feel quite strongly that Chicago is not where my heart is. Particularly with the kind of work I want, my heart cannot be anywhere but with me at all times.
I now find myself pondering the idea that I stay a couple of months to study with JRJP, as I already have an apartment. There is a flaw to this logic – I would still need to find a job – I cannot just spend what I have to be here for a couple of months. Getting a job for a couple months then quitting seems quite silly, unreasonable and hard to attain. Let’s say I stayed two months – with two classes a week from them, I would be getting sixteen classes – I got 15 classes during the week I took the intensive, which I plan to continue taking. I keep flashing back to the idea of wanting to really learn this – which I continue to realize just does not interface with where I want to be in the next even just five years.
My natural tendency is to want to do way more than my time and my brain can actually handle, due simply to the fact that I am a motivated person with many interests. In all this thinking, I realized that I have been maintaining way too many unarranged goals with way too little order and careful thought. “I want to get an MA,” “I want to get a PHD,’ “I want to write books,” “I want to own a dance company in the Twin Cities,” “I want to do research,” “I want to perform.” Throwing in “I want to further pursue this important relationship,” was what really put the breaks on my speeding train of ideas, and forced me to sit down and think about how these things all operate together. I truly did take love, realizing it, voicing it, and most importantly to this rant, moving again, to realize all this.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Waiting for the Dust to Settle
Here I am in Chicago.
Doing exactly what this title suggests - imagine that.
Waiting for excitment to drive me forward - I am not used to this unmodivated sort of feeling. Usually excitement creates inspiration (or is it the other way around? Either way;), but this time I am digging around my head and heart and not finding either.
I am doing my best to convince both that an ample amount of time is needed to evaluate the situation, but another part of my body has been operating within this equation the whole time - my gut. Friends have told me that this is a body part that people all-too-often ignore.
What this means for me is figuring out what to listen to for decision-making, and then using my head for the clean-up work (what about my hands and health, ha ha ha? I must have left them at the 4H building last week :) ). I am a mix o contractions on the issues this situation brings up - while I like to think that I do not care if anyone thinks I am a failure, at the same time, I care a great deal. This brings me to what is and is not failure - a small piece of me thinks that walking away from this new 'adventure' would be, though another knows that it is in ways heroic to listen to your heart when it is screaming at you. Within that last sentence is another issue - adventure. I have been billing this in my brain, during the months leading up to it, as an adventure, much like Calgary. Though when I think about the two (at least with what I know of the later, which is admittably little), Calgary FELT that way - that feeling of excitement and inspiration in my gut. Chicago is not feeling that way. While I know I should give it time to develop it's possibilities, it is hard to let that happen when the opposite feelings are occuring in the pit of my stomach.
I have already thought through how this feelings can be attributed to many things, both personal and professional, some of which were not operating factors as Calgary unfolded last year. It seems unwise to ignore such change and assume that I am in the same condition and frame of mind as I when I went on an adventure last year around this time. A whole year and a LOT of things have passed since then - wouldn't it be obvious to me that I would be approaching everything in life differently, even, or especially, going on an adventure?
I often make decisions because they are what SEEM like the correct path, but moreso because I am the kind of person who needs to have a plan. Having a plan, regardless of whether it is well-thought, makes me feel more calm, makes me feel like I am going somewhere and not stagnating. It seems like the reality is that making an ill-thought-out plan is not the be-all-end-all, and that having to mull through things in the same place before arriving to the correct game plan could be the proper, and even best, choice.
That brings me to thoughts on the 'what's next' idea. I have been doing a great deal of thinking this last day and a half, almost so much that my brain hurts. It took this great displacement for these thoughts to start happening, so I can at least be grateful for doing so, regardless of what the outcome becomes. It seems that there have been plain ideas ahead of me, and options I have not been considering, first off; travel. I do not know why it is in my head that I must RELOCATE somewhere to train, study, experience. If I know I want to be where I know I will land eventually, why not BE there, and travel as I can to gain knowledge? I have always put this off as something I do not have the money for, but realize that it may just be a matter of looking at how I put my money away differently. This way, I am positioned to move forward toward what I want to do where I know I want to do it, while continuing my need for adventure in small and reoccuring doses.
Other thoughts include the idea that I could be gaining here is not worth what I would be missing at home. Initially, my intentions for this relocation were to come here and stay however long it would take me to get into a company and work with them so I could have the experience of working with a paid company. This shifted from 'however long' to 'max five years' to 'max three years' to, in my mind, 'I'll try a year.' Knowing that I wish to impose these time limits, and also that it can often take people four plus years to get into the company I wish to be a part of, these ideas do not seem to align. Yes, I would love to have consistent, paid company experience under my belt at some time in my life. I keep forgetting that there is plenty of life ahead. I worry that the more set I get into my ways, the less likely I will be to pursue such ends, however, if I know one of the ways I am comfortable (and almost desire) being set in is being where I want to end up, it seems I should embrace that and work toward other ideas in that setting. It may be that my 'paid company' experience is found in what I create myself. While I would like to get it with someone else, I could also think of it in a 'why waste time' frame of mind, knowing that there any many things I want to do myself.
All these thoughts, jumbled up like cold alphabet soup....ew. So what happens now? It seems like more sinking, more thinking, gathering advice from trusted friends and letting a little bit more time pass. One thing I do know that I did not before - I would be equally as proud of myself for listening to my heart as I would be for sticking it out - maybe even more proud.
Doing exactly what this title suggests - imagine that.
Waiting for excitment to drive me forward - I am not used to this unmodivated sort of feeling. Usually excitement creates inspiration (or is it the other way around? Either way;), but this time I am digging around my head and heart and not finding either.
I am doing my best to convince both that an ample amount of time is needed to evaluate the situation, but another part of my body has been operating within this equation the whole time - my gut. Friends have told me that this is a body part that people all-too-often ignore.
What this means for me is figuring out what to listen to for decision-making, and then using my head for the clean-up work (what about my hands and health, ha ha ha? I must have left them at the 4H building last week :) ). I am a mix o contractions on the issues this situation brings up - while I like to think that I do not care if anyone thinks I am a failure, at the same time, I care a great deal. This brings me to what is and is not failure - a small piece of me thinks that walking away from this new 'adventure' would be, though another knows that it is in ways heroic to listen to your heart when it is screaming at you. Within that last sentence is another issue - adventure. I have been billing this in my brain, during the months leading up to it, as an adventure, much like Calgary. Though when I think about the two (at least with what I know of the later, which is admittably little), Calgary FELT that way - that feeling of excitement and inspiration in my gut. Chicago is not feeling that way. While I know I should give it time to develop it's possibilities, it is hard to let that happen when the opposite feelings are occuring in the pit of my stomach.
I have already thought through how this feelings can be attributed to many things, both personal and professional, some of which were not operating factors as Calgary unfolded last year. It seems unwise to ignore such change and assume that I am in the same condition and frame of mind as I when I went on an adventure last year around this time. A whole year and a LOT of things have passed since then - wouldn't it be obvious to me that I would be approaching everything in life differently, even, or especially, going on an adventure?
I often make decisions because they are what SEEM like the correct path, but moreso because I am the kind of person who needs to have a plan. Having a plan, regardless of whether it is well-thought, makes me feel more calm, makes me feel like I am going somewhere and not stagnating. It seems like the reality is that making an ill-thought-out plan is not the be-all-end-all, and that having to mull through things in the same place before arriving to the correct game plan could be the proper, and even best, choice.
That brings me to thoughts on the 'what's next' idea. I have been doing a great deal of thinking this last day and a half, almost so much that my brain hurts. It took this great displacement for these thoughts to start happening, so I can at least be grateful for doing so, regardless of what the outcome becomes. It seems that there have been plain ideas ahead of me, and options I have not been considering, first off; travel. I do not know why it is in my head that I must RELOCATE somewhere to train, study, experience. If I know I want to be where I know I will land eventually, why not BE there, and travel as I can to gain knowledge? I have always put this off as something I do not have the money for, but realize that it may just be a matter of looking at how I put my money away differently. This way, I am positioned to move forward toward what I want to do where I know I want to do it, while continuing my need for adventure in small and reoccuring doses.
Other thoughts include the idea that I could be gaining here is not worth what I would be missing at home. Initially, my intentions for this relocation were to come here and stay however long it would take me to get into a company and work with them so I could have the experience of working with a paid company. This shifted from 'however long' to 'max five years' to 'max three years' to, in my mind, 'I'll try a year.' Knowing that I wish to impose these time limits, and also that it can often take people four plus years to get into the company I wish to be a part of, these ideas do not seem to align. Yes, I would love to have consistent, paid company experience under my belt at some time in my life. I keep forgetting that there is plenty of life ahead. I worry that the more set I get into my ways, the less likely I will be to pursue such ends, however, if I know one of the ways I am comfortable (and almost desire) being set in is being where I want to end up, it seems I should embrace that and work toward other ideas in that setting. It may be that my 'paid company' experience is found in what I create myself. While I would like to get it with someone else, I could also think of it in a 'why waste time' frame of mind, knowing that there any many things I want to do myself.
All these thoughts, jumbled up like cold alphabet soup....ew. So what happens now? It seems like more sinking, more thinking, gathering advice from trusted friends and letting a little bit more time pass. One thing I do know that I did not before - I would be equally as proud of myself for listening to my heart as I would be for sticking it out - maybe even more proud.
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