Dishabituation

 It's been a mighty long time since I've written in this space. Dishabituation?!

Most of my writing has been in my handwritten personal journal, and it's been happening 1-3 times per week at BEST! Habituation?

What got me here today is the Disahabituation of being in a new-to-me place: Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. It's definitely the furthest East I've been in Canada (and really, I don't think you can get much further East here!). It definitely has that East Coast vibe, reminds me a lot of the time I've spent in Newport, Rhode Island. Except maybe a little less "old money everywhere" and a little more "liberal, look out for everyone Canadian." 

I'm kind of giggling to myself as I sit on the 5th floor of the Halifax Central Library, looking out into a bay off the Atlantic Ocean and thinking "NOVA SCOTIA GO WING WANG WA!"

Somehow, my brother and I, when he was 12ish and I was 9ish, got going saying random syllables with Eastern Canadian Provences (as you do in your youth), and the ones that stuck were that and New Brunswick (which, by the way, goes "WING WANG CHA!" 

Man, this one is starting off silly. I guess I just thought it important to provide a little backstory as to the presence of Nova Scotia in my life prior to my visit :)

But Dishabituation! Really! I read an article recently about how the process of interrupting our habits is actually key to happiness, and how travel in specific really does this for us. Apparently it IS diminishing returns - studies have shown that the joy found in the dishabituation of traveling peaks at hour 43, meaning lots of short little trips might serve us better than fewer big, long ones (damn, our strategy is usually the later). With this particular trip being part work, part play, I don't think I've felt the peak yet. I am still really enjoying this shift-up in my everyday. While I'm NOT enjoying the 'being away from Niko and Kris' part, it has felt worth dealing with the missing them to be able to shake up my norm. 

I suppose that is one of the inherent joys of artist residencies - separating oneself from the day to day in order to make space for shifted perspectives, different ways of thinking, appreciation for what usually is . . .

Anyway. I've been quite taken with it here. Surely a portion of it is just being somewhere, anywhere, new. I remember my brother raving over every new place we'd visit on family trips, making fun of him for his enthusiasm for anything different! To this day, he is still this way, and I think it's very related to this 'Dishabituation' thing: perhaps he has just inherently understood this :) 

I think I perhaps saw it as idealizing the different, which is easy to do. We get sucked into our habits, and that can make anything that isn't the norm seem spectacular. But I think that is just what this 'Dishabituation' thing is getting at: experiencing new-to-us things reinvigorates our desire to find new - or at least refreshed - insights into and within our own norms. 

I think this is something the kids call 'romanticizing your life.' Whatever you call it, it's a good time.

I've enjoyed reconnecting with old friends and eating different foods (lots of seafood) and seeing what they carry in different grocery stores and looking at the ocean and going on ferries and walking the roads of an unfamiliar city and dancing in new spaces with new people. The slower pace/ release of day-to-day pressure certainly doesn't hurt.

Annnnd on that note, I have once again misunderstood the schedule - we start rehearsal at 12, not 12:30! I better get some things written down and get over there!

Dishabituation.

New Year Intention/s: 2023 Into 2024

KINDNESS 

SPACIOUSNESS | LEVITY

The first is the main idea I'd like to keep simmering on the back-burner of my mind for 2024, and underneath are two additional concepts, all of which I think will help me in being who I want to be during the coming new year and beyond. I will also bottom-line-on-top what I've light-heartedly come to label the Erinn Kellie Liebhard OS (Operating System :)), and further explain below why I've opted to do so, as well as more about the above guiding concepts:

 

Beliefs 

Consciousness | Love | Vitality | Purpose 

Values 

Kindness | Simplicity | Curiosity | Creativity 

Doings 

Reflection | Connection | Movement | Food | Outdoors | Aesthetics

. . .

The fact that one of this coming year's guiding concepts has been embedded within the above OS for quite some time, and that the other two feeling very correlated, makes me feel pretty confident about my biggest take-away from this go-around on my year-end reflection process. It's not the ideas I'm choosing to center this year, as it almost always has been in the past. It's embracing that my OS is actually the framework with which I should undergo this reflective process in the future, using the concepts it outlines to organize my reflections on how the year went. And it only took 22 hand-written journal pages, an attempt to sort it all out here publicly, returning to my private writing space and all the writing below to sort this out (so, big cheers to my fellow ruminators :)). I think I'm really beginning to appreciate that the more experience I gain, the fewer 'new' things there are to consider, at least when it comes to how I wish to operate in the world. I've been actively reflecting on who I am and how I wish to be through journaling (including New Year reflection processes) for more than 20 years at this point: I was sure to start identifying some recurring themes!

It feels refreshing to embrace the idea that I don't think I need to keep trying to harvest new concepts to center myself around each year: after 20+ years, I've got a damn good list/ OS!

This is not to say that I won't keep actively tweaking it: as one of the emergent themes from analyzing my writing and thinking from the past year - Defining - suggests, I will continue to evaluate my centering concepts for how well they encapsulate who I am (at my core) and how I wish to be (honoring the inevitable shifts we all experience as non-fixed entities in ever-changing environments). It just means that my intentional work around who I am and how I wish to be has yielded a great system that I can keep revisiting. It also means my future NYI writings may not feeling as ground-breaking for me as they have in the past: it seems this is just a natural result of the many years of care I have put into understanding myself and determining how desire to do life :)

With all of that said, I'll further unpack my guiding concept for the year, as well as some fresh-feeling themes that emerged as I analyzed my thoughts and writings from the past year during my written journaling. I'll correlate them with concepts from my OS to help me understand how these themes might help go on to inform how my existing framework has been and can continue to guide how I operate in the world. 

. . .

Kindness: I think this one emerged as the concept I'd like to really focus in on this year because I found myself continually revisiting it throughout the past year, whether in writing or just in my thoughts. It's rough out there, friends. We humans are using violence against one another over disputes regarding imaginary lines in the physical sand, we are turning a blind eye to how our collective actions - however small - deeply impact our shared earthly home, and we are treating one another as though we are not each what we really are - sacred, one-of-a-kind beings that deserve gentleness and love. 

As I write this, I acknowledge how hard it can be to remember this when coming across people whose views feel like they could actively hurt others, as well as people who just plain actively hurt others, both mentally and physically. But I would crumble into a pile of pieces that could not be put back together if I did not actively chose to try the best I can to offer Kindess to all people I encounter, whether it be in content or in person. I am not always great at this, which is honestly why Kindess is my prevailing theme for 2024, and why it holds a place within my OS. 

In arriving to this, I at first was kind of disappointed that it's a concept I've already zeroed in on as a Value. The longer I sat with it, the more it felt fitting that a concept I revere deeply enough to be one of the eight I revisit with frequency be what I highlight for how I'd like to orient my upcoming year. It was this realization that brought me into jiving with the big take-away I clarified above :)

But back to why Kindness. It is very easy for me to default to thinking the worst of people. And you know what that does? It sinks me down. I'd rather do the harder work of offering kindness - if even just in thought - to the people I encounter. I have to believe that even these small mental acts make shifts - however tiny - in the whole of the universe. I have to believe this approach adds up on a small and on larger scales to make a difference.

I have also been thinking about the idea of gentleness, which feels like a subset of Kindness. I came to this one specifically when thinking about myself, and how I should offer myself the same kindness - perhaps gentleness with myself - as I offer (or at least try to offer) to others. While I wish to center myself around Kindness this year, I also think I would benefit from considering how the following themes that emerged from my analysis of this past year's reflections and writing could serve to better the way I move through the world:

Defining: A What I liken to Vitality, Purpose and Curiosity. When I sat down to write this post, I was thinking I was going to clarify a whole new set of ideas, organized into 'Whats,' 'Hows' and 'Specifics,' when upon further thought I realized I already had a system (the big take-away :)). While I'm still appreciating this thought, I do think I'll benefit more from really considering how these concepts inform the ones that I've already come to hold dear. In this case, I'm thinking of Defining as the continual and continuous practice of coming to understand who I am and how I'd like to be. A low-key example of this from the past year was Defining that I feel best in high-waisted, a-line skits that hit mid-thigh. Clarifying this had a huge positive impact on my style, and in turn my confidence from day to day. 

On a larger scale, I see Defining as a way I put to use my Curiosity to better how I move through the world, in turn improving my Vitality and Purpose. The better I understand who I am and how I want to be (Vitality), the better I am able to make an impact on others (Purpose). I chose to keep this in verb format because it is ongoing. I have not defined who I am and how I want to be, I am Defining it, always.

Adapting: A What I correlate with Vitality and Simplicity. This concept has been coming up again and again for the last several years. As a person who tends to thrive on routine but crave adventure, I have long needed to adapt my plans and expectations to satisfy both those needs. Now that I am responsible for the life of a tiny human, adaptation seems to have become even more key to moving through the world well. I have found that it's not too difficult for me to adapt my plans and expectations to serve Niko's needs: it is much harder for me to change my own plan once I've made one, even if it's the right/ better/ necessary thing to do. 

Right now, I think I'm just feeling proud that I can admit that to myself: that's the first step to recovery, right?! I am holding an awareness that my Vitality benefits from ability to adapt, and my sense of Simplicity certainly does too: sometimes it's necessary to adapt in order to keep the flow of things simple. 

Balancing: A What I correlate with Vitality and Simplicity. Another long-term heavy-hitter, and one I've also intentionally verbed, as finding balance is an active and ongoing pursuit. I actually wrote a lot this year about how I seem to oscillate between poles: satisfied and unsatisfied, content and striving, mechanization and unbridledness, input and output, more and less. The more I think about it, the more I think this is just the human experience. There is no such thing as one balance point that will work forever under all conditions. Instead, we benefit from understanding that we will always be oscillating between poles, working to find balance among them. As I've often thought and said, this kind of thought can seem negative, but I really don't see it as such: the more we can embrace this ever-shifting nature of things, the better equipped we are to take actions that keep us in whatever version of balance will work for us at any given time.

Appreciating: A What I correlate with Consciousness, Love and Kindness. Some people call this gratitude. I think I like Appreciating, again, because it's a verb. It's active. Beyond just Appreciating what I have, I found and wish to continue finding myself applying this concept to other people and to situations. For example, "I can appreciate why X would be Y, because Z." I find this way of thinking makes it easier for me to step out of myself to try to understand something. Doing this is an act of Conciousness, Love and Kindness. 

Intentionality: A How I correlate with Conciousness, Vitality and Simplicity. I dabbled with trying to get this word into the OS - it too is one that's been around a long time for me. That said, I feel 'Conciousness' implies Intentionality - if one's Conciousness is present in all their choice-making, they are living with intentionality. All the same, I revisit it here because it came up for me a lot in the past year, specifically when it comes to making decisions on what's important to fit into my life, and how. Making the choices that tend toward Simplicity (ex: fewer, more involved commitments) has helped me toward spending my time how I really wish to, which has benefitted my Vitality.

Spaciousness: A How I correlate with Simplicity and Creativity. I had the pleasure of reading "How to Do Nothing" by Jenny Odell this Summer, and found myself realizing that while I cultivated 'free time,' it's been highly-curated. I really plan that time out in order to squeeze every drop out if it that I can, enabling me to 'do what I really want to do with my personal time.' Like cook. And go on walks. And curate my wardrobe. But that time - like my work time - is so tightly wound that if something goes awry/ changes, I can fall apart. I've come to find this arrangement pretty stressful, and long for arrangements of time that leave space. Space for something to take a little longer than I planned. Space to push something back. Space to change my plans. Space to NOT HAVE PLANS. I keep telling myself that in order to get to everything I wish to, 

I keep telling myself that in order to get to everything I wish to, I HAVE to keep my time this tight. But ya know what, I don't think I do. I've learned to start saying no to work opportunities that I do not HAVE to take, even if I kind of want to, if having to 'fit them in' will keep them from actually being enjoyable. I think I also need/ want to be gentle with myself about this when it comes to my personal time. I have long prided myself on 'being able to do a lot,' but do I NEED to, just because I always have? What's a lot? Why is doing 'a lot' important? A big way I think I can help myself is to keep questioning what I believe to be a reasonable amount of things to achieve in a day in order for me to feel like any given day was a good one. I do in fact apparently equate some morality to productivity, and when I phrase it that way, it feels icky. WHY don't I think it's good enough for me to just get to exist sometimes? I guess I'm still kind of uncomfortable with what might happen if/ when I just 'exist.' I have so many things I like to do! And it's not like I can easily block off a day to 'just see what happens,' with no regard to my realities: I do have a tiny human to help keep alive. Despite how it may seem, I have actually thought about and through this one a lot, and think it comes to this: while I may not need more NOTHING, I think what I do need is more space for and between the things I do choose to do, be them work or play (or both). 

Levity: A How I correlate with EVERY. SINGLE. THING. Perhaps this is another big take-away. As I read my writing from this past year, I found myself thinking, several times, 'WHY SO SERIOUS?!' This post itself absolutely SCREAMS this! We are now on paragraph who-the-fuck-even-knows, and it feels important to say 'Why take yourself so seriously?!' Clearly, I value reflection and self-improvement, and at the same time, I find myself thinking 'Is this really all so serious?' Multiple truths. I think I could benefit a lot from keeping a sense of light-heartedness and levity around how I approach all the things. 

Annnnnd: some more literal things, like: Dancing: A Specific I correlate with Reflection, Connection and Movement. This was on the list last year too. More dancing. Even if it means simply more morning improv sessions in the basement. Be adaptable on how you can get it in. 

Creative Research: A Specific correlate with Reflection, Movement and Aesthetics. I think this will actually come with Spaciousness. I am finding that Creative Research time is among the first stuff to go, because it, like dancing myself, is the least tangible of it all - grants gotta get written! Arguably though, it's the most important. While grants gotta get written, no one wants to fund shitty art. And it's hard for art to end up all that great if it's not allowed the proper background research to spring it to life. A couple Fridays ago, I ended up spending the whole morning doing creative research instead of the class prep I should have been doing, and it felt SO GREAT. Honestly, part of that may have been the fact that I was throwing my plan to hell and doing something different (I know, what a rebel). Moreso, I think it was because I hadn't allowed myself that kind of creative curiosity time in quite awhile, and it felt good to follow the wormholes and further shape an emerging idea. I want more of this, and I think I can get it by being intentional about planning for such time.

One-On-Ones: A Specific I correlate with Connection, and potentially Movement, Food, Outdoors and Aesthetics. I'm realizing that I'm craving more one-on-one time with friends. I wish to put some effort into scheduling things like this, which could also cross over with going on walks (Movement and Outdoors), trying new restaurants (Food) and catching live music (Aesthetics).

Bonus - Live Music: A specific I correlate with Reflection and Aesthetics, as well as potentially Connection, Movement and Outdoors. I'm labeling this one a bonus because I'm already asking myself for more on several things when I already feel overextended sometimes. I'm gonna try to get this one to manifest within other things I'm already asking myself for :)

. . .

And there you have it. Some musings on themes that showed up several times this year, and offerings on how they might further illuminate the concepts that already guide me. After collecting these thoughts, I amended by top line to include below it a sub-line with two additional concepts, making Kindness, Spaciousness and Levity the three things I wish to keep guiding me as I check in on my Operating System periodically throughout the year. 

Phrasing this this way reminds me of how on PC computers, you used to need to 'defragment your disk' to keep your computer working well (maybe you still do need to do this? I haven't had a PC in a long time). I feel like my writing is my way of defragmenting my own brain. By stopping to reflect, I'm able to identify gaps, errors, things to erase, things to program in. It is in this spirit of wanting to not only maintain my machine, but keep it running well and maybe even better than it has before so I can give the world my best, that I keep exploring my depths :)

Happy New Year!

"The Simple Pleasures"

There it is.

That word again.

Simple.

"The Simple Pleasures."

I've been thinking a lot lately about how Niko coming onto the scene has really enhanced this sense of actively appreciating "the simple pleasures" in life.

The feel of the gas below my feet (or bum!). The breeze. Going for a walk. Going to the library.

It's almost as if the limitations created by having a kiddo to care for have opened up a world in which doing less is acceptable.

Ok, arguably having kiddo around doesn't have me "doing less" in every sense of that phrase. I am/ we are putting to bed, waking up, brushing teeth, lotioning, putting on whatever cream should be combating his eczema NOW, changing diapers, preparing and feeding meals, playing, bathing and doing whatever other kittle kid care and engagement is required for an 18 month old.

All of that said, my feeling of myself "doing less" remains, and not in a bad way!

Today, I will have done all that. Beyond that, 'all I'll really have done' was take a lovely trip to the library, during nap time watered the plants, cut my finger nails, a little meal prep and cooking and this writing, whatever we (Niko and I) get up to this afternoon (maybe a walk and a little playground time), plus dinner and bedtime. Surely I will do something after that - maybe watch a little TV with Kris, put together a new outdoor umbrella we ordered, or read.

Looking up at the above paragraph, it strikes me that it's still A LOT, what I will have done today. Perhaps more what I mean is "is what I'll have done today 'Enough,' as in 'Good Enough." 

And honestly, I have a much easier time giving a resounding "YES!" to that question than I ever expected I would. And this is what I mean by simple pleasures.

Nothing in the 'what I'll have done today' paragraph is extraordinary.

Does it need to be?

I think I am just feeling really grateful for the various zoom-outs with which Niko's presence has asked me to engage. It feels so good to lean into the whittle-down. We get up. We eat. We play. We eat again. I do some things I'd like to do - like cook and write - while he naps. We play again. We eat again. He goes to bed, and I connect with Kris or a friend, or take a dance class, catch a dance show or relax. That's what Tu/ Th are often like.

That's to say that all the above writing does not necessarily address what my life is like on M/ W/ F, and often Saturday and Sunday. About half the time, Saturday and Sunday are also like that. Sometimes they are not, because Kris and I work weird jobs. I am ok with it. In fact, I love it. Knowing most Tu/ Th will be like what I described above is part of what is allowing me to manage when the weekends are not weekends. And going hard on M/ W/ F.

I think I have, surprisingly, felt more balance than I have for a very long time, since mixing into my life paling around with my Niko love. Along with that has come a surprisingly-sizable-to-me amount of space for simple pleasures.

Like writing this while he naps :)

Fuck Your Stanley Tumbler

And also your plants.

I know. I came out hard and fast with this one.

This post probably should have been titled “An Anti-Love Letter From an Elder Millennial to Gen Z,” but it would still be harder than I intend. And too generalized.

We all know we cannot sum up an entire age band of people within a set of tidy assumptions (right, we know this?!), I'm just trying to be funny. Kind of (did it work?!).

Seriously though, as a person with a bit of a YouTube habit (I say a bit because I keep it under control!), I find myself hyper-amused by the shit younger folks seem to need - or at least what the YouTuber stereotypes are. And specifically how those stereotypes fan their way back out into real life.

I see this a lot in the seeming obsession with plants in younger folks. That said, perhaps this is a 38-year-old tapping into her curmudgeonly side, getting testy because she herself cannot seem to keep the most robust of houseplants alive! Perhaps it's a good thing that this is a younger-person-fad I don't really want to get into. I am perfectly happy with my three long-term houseplants I think I water once every few weeks (even less than I did before kiddo came onto the scene), and my handful of potted outdoor plants that demonstrate the minimum modicum of annual landscape care I've come to expect from myself.

But, ah, the Stanley Tumbler. WHY?! As someone who owns two Hydroflasks (a cute, squat yellow one for my coffee and a larger white one for my water), the 'it beverage containers' (geez, that's a THING?) of five years ago, perhaps I don't get the right to ask this question. But really, I purchased them sheerly out of functional desires, I promise! 

This Stanley Tumbler thing is large. It's ugly. It doesn't seem real functional, at least for MY purposes. But hey, to each their own? I would say it just surprises me the amount of cash people will drop on this shit, but the person writing this is the same person who happily drops $120.00 on a pair of athleisure pants (again, purely functional, I promise!). 

As it turns out, this is just another ramble that affirms the age-old truth that we all indeed live our own lives. I think I just find it amazing that in todays seemingly more and more culturally hegemonic world, we all seem to want to own the same shit to express 'who we are.'

Has it always been thus? I guess all I can do is live a little longer, and a little longer, and keep noticing what I notice to try to get to the bottom of this and other questions.

Will I ever? I sort of doubt it.

Is that totally magical?

Yes. Totally :)

The Smell of Simple

The smell of simple.

In this month of May (which I deem 'Bonus Month,' as it's that extra-feeling sweet-spot between Spring and Summer), I often find myself really enjoying the smells I'm experiencing when I'm out on walks. It could be because they - the flowering trees and bushes, sunshine beating down on the ground, wet dirt - are just objectively pleasant. I don't think it's just that.

I correlate these smells with my youth, and that imbues them with the best kind of nostalgia - the kind that surfaces memories and therein feelings of life being just . . . simple.

I recognize that this is not a universal experience - life is not always as simple for children as it ideally should and could be. I'm fortunate enough to say that my experience of childhood was simple in all the best ways, at least the way I remember it!

I remember rolling around in wet dirt with my brother and painting spots of it onto him and saying he was a cow. I would say 'Hey, we were just weird,' but there should be plenty of space for such behavior to be considered normal for a kid! I remember the sounds of the Spring bugs lulling me to sleep and wake. I remember warm Summer days in my room, running a fan and my pre-teeny-bop music and contemplating the next way I'd rearrange my room (for the third time that month :)). 

These memories are certainly not all smell related. In fact, some are very sound and touch oriented. But smell was what got me going on this track this morning. On my long and leisurely walk through our neighborhood and beyond this morning (thank you Kris!), I found myself really enjoying my sense of smell, and noticing how what I was smelling seemed just like what I recall smelling in late Spring/ early Summers of my youth. So how does 'Simple' come in? A couple ways.

First, I think my mind registers these smells to a feeling of 'Simple,' and perhaps carefree, because the first times in my life I was really noticing and registering these smells were times in which I had less to worry about. Less to think about. Less responsibility. 

I don't think I mean to frame this as BETTER necessarily. I LOVE the senses of knowledge, curiosity, responsibility that have continued to grow as I've gained life experience. I think I just mean to say that same sense of 'Simple' can perhaps be found, in its own ways, in  any stage of life.

To have responsibilities does not mean you have to WORRY. To have knowledge does not mean you must try to know ALL. To be curious does not mean you have to follow EVERY curiosity that edges in. I think 'Simple' applies here because it's a helpful guide to putting your energies toward the responsibilities, curiosities and ways of knowing that MATTER MOST to YOU.

There is a certain comfort in knowing that no one can know all. In this way, there is certainly levity to wondering about something, and then letting that wonder pass without deeper pursuit. For example, this morning on my walk I found myself curious about what it would be like to watch birds more carefully. To be a birdwatcher! Shortly after that, I found myself appreciating that curiosity and the people that choose to follow it, and then letting it blow away in the gentle wind. I know that my time is a limited resource, and that I'd rather spend it going on walks that let my mind wander (toward thoughts like this!), rather than walks that are focused on appreciating birds, even though those would probably be lovely!

That's the 'Simple' in it. Do I sometimes find myself longing for those 'simpler times?' Perhaps. But when I dig deeper into those thoughts, I find that I don't want to be 5, 10 or 15 again. I just want the feelings of simplicity that came with those times. And I do experience those feelings, in their own 38-year-old ways, because I am conscious and consistent in my desire for and work to cultivate them. It's why I carve out time to go on said walks and do this writing.

I will say that a thing I don't quite have down yet, and wish to, is the ability to experience these smells and have the requisite thoughts they generate - those daydreams of 'simpler times' to take up only a brief time within my mindspace after they arrive, in favor of leaving the rest of the real estate to the present. If I haven't written about this exact topic before, I know I've at least thought about it many times. And every time, it takes me all this processing to arrive to what I did above and will say in fewer words now: 

Nostalgia for 'simpler times' is an excellent reminder to appreciate what was and evaluate and action upon what you want now and later. 

She can be concise. When she wants :). I've never claimed this blog space to be a place in which conciseness is my main aim! 

If I were to revise that statement to include the desire I just articulated, I might say:

Nostalgia for 'simpler times' is an excellent reminder to briefly appreciate what was, and to then invest some time into evaluating and actioning upon what you want now and later. 

I think that's the first thought of the three big ones from my walk, summed. Now, quickly, to the others.

"Benefit of the doubt." Another concept I'm near positive I've written about before (or at least thought about many times). I'm not quite sure the etymology of that statement, but regardless, feel it doesn't read and hear as positive as I believe it means to. From my itty bitty just now internet research, it seems its got origins in English and American legal practices, which makes sense - innocent until proven guilty and whatnot. I just think it has a negative tone, almost as if it's framed around needing to doubt, or around guilt as the natural presumption for everything. I think I'm realizing this thought process all goes back to my Belief in 'Kindness.' 

In the sort of situations in which 'benefit of the doubt' would be applied (and in general, I suppose!), I wish to apply 'Kindness,' not 'Hey, maybe they are NOT guilty.' Just last night, I saw a diaper sitting on the concrete base of a lamp post in one of the parking lots we walk through to get to the Saints stadium. I pointed it out to Kris and said something like "Geez! Who would do that?!," to which he responded something like "Erinn, not everything happens with poor intentions." Hearing him say that made me feel embarrassed that my brain had gone directly to presuming ill will.

I think it must be easy for humans to default to these ways of thinking, and that it is harder, more conscious work to actively pursue thought processes framed around kindness, and presuming positive intentions rather than negative. I think this is the kind of thought-practice that is worth the extra bit of thought-work it takes, as its result is felt (and in that way, tangible) positivity that can and does ripple out. Just thinking about what an impact this would make if all humans had the space and made the choice to think this way gives me goosebumps. 

From both privilege and work, I have the space, and I am trying my best to make the choice. I'm glad I have people around me who remind me to keep doing it when I err, as I am indeed human :)

Another topic that sprung to mind during my walk this morning that I want to unpack: "You're a young country." This idea came up in an article I was reading this week (I want to say it was a clothing style article?!), and it has really gotten me thinking. In the grand scheme, in the 'it's all relative' of it all (another thing I got thinking about this morning), we ARE. While enough time has passed for us to have collectively, throughout our history, done some egregious and amazing things, not enough time has passed for us to be able to measure our history in the same way as say Croatia or Greece. Pondering this provides me some comfort in a time in which it feels like "the greatest country in the world" (like, why do we even need to think and say that? It's NOT a contest) is struggling with how to grow toward a 'more perfect union.' In the grand scheme, maybe we just need some more time. And maybe we need to be less obsessed with 'being the best,' in favor of moving toward that 'more perfect union.'

I so appreciate that phrase, because saying 'more perfect' implies that perfection will never be reached, but that we can try, and that we should. A 'more perfect union' is one that actively makes space for everyone to be supported and appreciated. I believe, I have to believe, I wish we all would believe, that damn near EVERYONE is DOING THEIR BEST. If we all really believed that, I think we'd collectively find it simpler to help everyone along the way to that 'more perfect union.'

While I didn't seek out to 'America' my reflections this morning, I am grateful they went there on this Memorial Day. If we have to keep dealing in bodies, and it seems we do, moving beyond just 'feeling grateful' for the sacrifices of our countrypeople who have been lost to war requires that we ALL ACTIVELY work on ourselves as individuals, as much as our time and energy allows, to really seek out that 'more perfect union.' We cannot leave it up to lawmakers to solve it on just the larger scale. Our small-scale, every day matters. And I always begin where I can with immediacy. My me. Here we've come, right back around to leading with Kindness, and asking oneself to let that develop beyond.

Ok, one last small thought before I close up for the day: WHY is it that I reflect with writing on a regular basis, not movement? I think it's perhaps because writing, for me, requires only time, energy and focus (only, ha!). I often find myself thinking that 'Movement' reflection (or creation of output, I suppose) requires other bodies and studio space (and eventually, somewhere other people can watch it)? I think I'm realizing that it's about mindset (as so much often is): I see my writing as Reflection, not creative output for others to take in. Perhaps if I made space for movement to be that too, as I did during the height of the pandemic, I would find myself moving for reflection. 

I do find this here and there - I found it in the Improv class I took on Wednesday, but I do think I desire for it to be a more regular thing. So here I go, doing it. Down to the basement to action on this.

Simple :)

Keep It Simple

Surely, in the 16 years (16 YEARS?!) I've had this public-facing place to write, I've titled a post this way. I'm not gonna take the time to look back and check, but I say this because the guiding idea* "Keep It Simple" has been a big one for me for a long time.

(mug given to me by my daddoo :))

As a curious person who tends to think deeply about everything (I checked my initial thought to write "who overthinks everything," which I don't think is true/ paints my intentionally in a negative light, and I don't need to do that to myself!), over the years it has become increasingly important to me to check in on this idea pretty regularly. If I don't, I tend to overextend myself, and stray away from choosing actively and often to stay focused on and appreciate the moment at hand, the practice I have been working hard in my adult life to build for myself. If I don't remind myself that the best way to really appreciate and enjoy my finite time is to keep how I use it 'Simple,' my curiosity and think think think would cause me to want to do everything and do it 'perfect' or 'the best.'

And that's the crux: 'do everything,' 'perfect' and 'the best' are NOT things. They just aren't. In a world with so much to offer, there is just no way to 'do everything,' and there is no one 'right' way to live. These seem like simple (see what I did there?) adages to understand and live by, but I've found them pretty rigorous to actually put into practice. While I don't subscribe anymore (I came to find it tedious and honestly, self-aggrandizing after awhile), one take-away from listening to "The Minimalists Podcast" is that "Simple isn't easy" (I concept I believed they noted as coined from someone else, but this source is where I picked it up). 'Easy' just means the path of least resistance. 'Simple' means uncomplicated. 

To me, keeping my life uncomplicated means to lean into the things that really inspire me, bring me joy, allow me to contribute . . . 

My innate and cultivated sense of wonderment with the world ('wonder' being my chosen word for this sense over the word 'curiosity,' which is also one I love!) is one of my favorite things about myself, but when allowed to run unconsciously through my life, it can cause me to be pulled in SO many directions (ex: "Let's go do this!," "Let's try this!," "Let's eat here!," "Let me also get some work done!," "If we hurry, we can also make it to this!" . . . all in half a day). While this can feel exciting, when done over and over and over, it can just feel unfocused and exhausting. I don't say this to squelch my (or anyone else's!) zest for life, but to remind myself that I am happiest and most balanced (and therein contributing beyond myself to the best of my ability) when I keep how I spend my resources of time, energy and focus SIMPLE.

For me, that looks like reminding myself of WHAT I really enjoy and WHY, so those ideas can keep guiding my choices. My DOINGS, as I have been calling them lately, to WHATS are:

Reflection

Connection

Movement

Food

Outdoors

Aesthetics

I wish and work for these things to take shape in SIMPLE ways. Like:

Reflection: this writing session. 

Connection: having a bonfire with a friend in the backyard after Niko goes to sleep (or taking him to the beach near our house). 

Movement: Going on a walk. 

Food: Cooking a simple meal out of ingredients I keep on hand regularly. 

Outdoors: again, going on a walk.

Aesthetics: getting dressed for the day.

I'm realizing that I DO have to do more complicated things in order to prioritize 'Simplicity,' which, consequently, is first on my list of VALUES or WHYS (which also includes Kindness, Wonder and Creativity). Things like manage my time with care and create and enforce boundaries, even when it's difficult! These complicated things have felt worth it to me in my pursuit of keeping it simple, as they have allowed me to feel balance in my professional and personal lives, and to keep reimagining them in ways that let me experience the above WHATS.

Those WHATS or DOINGS are the interest-centers I've defined for myself over the years, which also let me bring to life my WHYS/ VALUES. And leading all of that are my BELIEFS or things I BELIEVE help me be the best human I can be: Consciousness, Love, Vitality and Purpose.

Ok, now that I've taken the long way around (i.e. through revising ALL of my guiding ideas, which I hadn't planned to do!) to my point, I'll come back to it: every year around this time, I seem to have to write about what I want from Summer to be sure that at the end of it, I feel like I got everything I wanted out of it. This is sort of strange because I claim that Summer is my least favorite season, yet I always feel this desire to treat it with care so it yields what I want from it! Summer in the Midwest DOES have a certain magic to it: days are longer, the sun is out, people want to connect, it's pretty easy to be outside . . . all of these things make me want to "do Summer right," (as in, right for me - again, there is no 'one right way to do things' she says to herself :)). 

To 'do it right' for me requires me to check in on all the above things so I can, ultimately, keep it simple, for all the reasons on which I've already waxed. So what's the Summer version of the DOINGS?

Reflection: writing | walks

Connection: bonfires | parents pools | visits with friends with Niko

Movement: walks | dance class | gym | hikes

Food: simple meals | new recipes after bedtime

Outdoors: walks | beach with Niko 

Aesthetics: getting dressed

There are two items in the Movement category that I really do want, one from Summer in particular (hikes) and one in general (gym) that I have been finding it hard to fit in. In fact, strategizing on how to do this while I walked this morning is what kicked off this whole train of thought. For hikes, I think it might just be permissioning myself to take a couple afternoons Niko is in daycare and I'm 'supposed to be working' to take myself somewhere. Close by is fine, but a change of pace from walking in the neighborhood is desired! 

As for the gym, it's been tough to fit in. I don't want to do it Tu/ Th mornings even though it would be easy to dump Niko into their childcare to do it, because I want those days for us. I just cordoned 6-8am M/ W from after Labor Day through State Fair for walk and gym. I will have to revisit this plan come Fall due to my teaching schedule, but that's part of the 'doing more complicated things to keep Simplicity possible,' in this case revisiting my schedule over and over and over.

And one thing I haven't wanted to admit in writing: I DO still want to go camping. I texted Sarah about trying for one night for us, and I think I'd like to find one night for myself. The night with her would be about Connection with a friend. The night on my own would be about Reflection for me. At one point, I tried the tactic of setting quarterly review days/ retreats of sorts for myself, and found that didn't really work for me schedule-wise. Plus, I don't need to set aside quarterly days: I reflect a lot more often than that (like now!). That said, I do think I desire the 'awayness' of it. Perhaps it doesn't need to be so rigid as to set four such times in the year, equally apart from one another, but to get out and have a day when I need it. Looking at my calendar now for a night I could make this work. 

Booked :)

I think I also came here to remind myself that there are many things other people would like me to do with my time during the Summer, and that I do not have to fulfill those desires if they don't fit in with what brings me balance. Nor do I have to figure out all of what I'll say yes to RIGHT. NOW (even though I feel that push in myself!). You can figure out what makes sense when those times come!

Alright, rambly. Wrap it up. Bottom line (which is also sort of on top): Keep it simple :)

*I also checked my initial thought to write "Mantra," which is a word that belongs to a spiritual tradition I can't even name and certainly don't practice!

Old Loves, New Loves

 I'm having a difficult time pinpointing when I fell in love with the music of Radiohead. It might have been at some point in early high school, when my brother was still at home and tipping me off to music he liked that I might (a thing he still does that I love :)). It might have been late high school - I feel like I remember bonding over a love of Radiohead with my now dear friend Adam when I met him on a national 4H trip my senior year.

I DO distinctly remember hearing "There, There" on the radio (sheesh, which station would it have been then?!) and thinking that it was just something else entirely. Something that grabbed my gut and smooshed my soul around. That sounds really dramatic. But isn't that what really good art is SUPPOSED to do to you? I've never claimed to be shy with my feelings :). Upon a little research, it looks like this single was released on May 26th, 2003, three days after I graduated high school. I think I marched out and bought the album its on - Hail to the Thief - right when it was released, as it came out two weeks later! I think I bought it, in a rash of buying several other CDs - that's right, CDs - at the Burnsville Best Buy. Not even sure it's still there.

The point of this diatribe is the NOSTALGIA that my love of Radiohead releases for me. But its not that simple - while their music is an Old Love for me, it is very much an Ongoing Love. While I get the feels thinking about how that album carried me through the Fall and Winter of my first year in college, I also get the feels thinking about how Kris surprised me with the disc of In Rainbows in Summer 2008, right before I flew off to live in Calgary for nine months. I get the feels thinking about when The King of Limbs came out in Winter 2011, and how the track "Bloom" was the soundtrack of my Spring that year, generating big creative ideas that I did not yet know what to do with (and did not yet have the resources to achieve - hell, I STILL don't have THAT kind of resources - I don't think any artist ever feels like they have the level of resource they could use, but I sure do have a lot more now than I did then :)). I remember the time I spent digging back into the earlier parts of their catalogue, discovering all this music that lit up my senses and put my insides to sound more than anything else I'd heard before. I remember A Moon Shaped Pool coming out in Spring 2016 and walking around my new neighborhood, freshly living in our house, exploring my surroundings and feeling thrilled that I had a Radiohead soundtrack with which to do so.

I may not be able to claim that I'm 'their biggest fan,' though I am proud to say that I did buy plane tickets to fly out to see them in Kansas City - their closest tour stop - right before my birthday in 2017, the one time I've gotten to see them live, which was MAGIC. There are many music videos I haven't seen. There are lyrics I'm not positive about (honestly, sometimes I like it better that the words at times are just collections of intention-charged sounds). There's an absolute treasure trove in the Radiohead Public Library that I haven't been able to explore. But my love for this music now has spanned almost twenty years. About half my life.

I thought, going into the show I am opening tonight, that creating the project would spur me to dig deeply into 'everything Radiohead I've missed,' but that hasn't been the case. I welcomed a New Love into my life in December 2021 - my Niko boy! - and the time palate I've had to dedicate to such projects has changed. On my walk this morning, which brought forth some serious pandemic full-circle-ness as I found myself taking photos of trees against a crisp, bright sunrise, I got thinking about how Niko was a mere idea when initial work on this project began. Maybe he wasn't really even a idea (at least one being discussed yet) - I think Music Lead Mike Lauer and I met in early 2020 for a beer to talk about this project, which we decided we'd do in February 2021. The dancers and I began online rehearsals I believe in October 2020, we filmed in January 2021 and released our Radiohead-inspired screendances in February 2021, the month  for which the stage show was originally planned.

Niko became a discussed idea in December 2020, when Kris and I agreed we'd start casually trying for a kiddo in the new year. I found out I was pregnant on April 4th - Easter - a day after I'd gotten flustered when dancer Kelli asked me at a video shoot if I thought I wanted to have kids! So the major work for the first iteration of this project all happened between when we decided to try and when we found out he was coming. The precipice right before the flurry of incubating my (our) most ambitious creative project yet. Likely ever!

This New Love - Niko - has certainly changed how my life works. But he has NOT - and HAS - changed 'everything,' as so many people told us he would. I still love Radiohead. But I can now love them in new ways. The ways I hear their music are still the same - and also different - because I have the New Love that informs how I listen. I'll go ahead and say that's a metaphor for a larger truth for me ;)

Old Loves. New Loves. Love.