In a way, I think that's nice, as it means I was likely quite invested in what was going on - friends, glitz, music, champagne.
In another way, I think that's sad, as it means that I have no images of the ignorant joy I was experiencing pre-2020. They say it's bliss.
That said, is the word 'ignorant' quite right for where I was? It's got a bit of a sharp connotation for someone who couldn't have seen this coming. I DO have some choice words for those who COULD see it coming and didn't do much . . .
I really just want documentation of those moments because they'd serve as a beautiful visual reminder of the fact that we never really know completely what is coming. We can consider our options, we can play plans according, and we can do our best to see them to fruition, but there are always so many factors in life we cannot control.
What would things look like if we could control everything? I venture to guess they'd be a lot more bland, as adversity, boredom and other such ill feelings are two among many that can bring out brilliance we would not have found before.
I do not say this to suggest I've 'found my brilliance' during this time, or to use 'brilliance' as the standard of what I should be achieving in these moments. Rather, it's one end of a scale that produces a lot of things that might not have happened had I been left to 'planning.' Some bad? Absolutely. Some good? For sure.
I know this is not how it is for everyone. My privileges afford me a lot.
So, this grey screen. Is it absence or possibility? If there is anything I am learning during this time, it's that very little seems to be an 'either or' situation.
Absence AND possibility.
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