C19: Missing May

It's still got nearly a week left in it, yet I'm starting to miss it already.

Got thinking on this morning's walk about how I won't make it to my favorite beach yet AGAIN this summer. That's two summers in a row. To make myself feel better about it at the end of last summer, I told myself "it'll be there next year." Turns out that it's indeed there, but a place I won't be going. It's this beach in Hudson, Wisconsin that's at the end of a really long pier, creating a little island of sorts in the midst of a river channel. It's magical. I was just about to look up what it's called and refrained - that's not important. It's more fun to have to describe it anyway.

I'm not NOT going there because it won't ever be open - I think it will. I'm not going there because I think it likely the behavior of other visitors will just keep my visit from being safe, if not just being fun. It was frustrating enough to walk around Cleary Lake Park yesterday afternoon, with pretty much everyone else on the path basically physically refusing to shift over to maintain distance as we passed one another. Kris and I joked (and jokes are often funny because they are often in part true) that another great reason to stay instead/ away from others is to avoid the sheer frustration invoked by other people unwilling to slightly change their personal patterns out of courtesy for others. My apologies to the folks we passed on the trail yesterday whose lack of shift was motivated by ignorance, not unkindness. Turns out, I felt unsafe in those moments regardless of the motivation.

Back to this beach. To me, that adventure is just not worth it this summer. It's disappointing to me, because I've built this beach up to be a mythical place of wonder. And yes, to me it is, but creating that build-up is part of it. In a way that's fun, but in a way, it's also damaging. It creates this feeling of missing out, kind of like how a person with some unhealthy relationships with food might feel they are missing out by making chocolate out to be this mythical, magical food that can only be enjoyed ever so often. Really, that beach is only 35-40 minutes away, yet I only ever make it out there once a summer, if that. Putting that into writing really makes me question my priorities. Or, I guess, if getting out there really ever has been that much of a priority.

I've come to sort of feel the same way about walks. Kris and I love going on walks together, and we've been going for at least an hour pretty much once a day (give or take) during this pandemic. It's gotten me wondering WHY it took a global pandemic for us to get out and do, together and with more frequency, something healthy that we really enjoy.

Related were my thoughts, from my walk this morning, about how I've been worried that I'm not really missing going to dance class and shows. Turns out the key word here is going, not class or shows. When I really think about it, I really DO miss class. I miss dancing WITH other people, flying through space, a high level of cardio, the finite socializing after. I really DO miss shows. I miss they way they make me feel in my gut - alive and in the moment, inspired. I miss the finite socializing after (key word - finite!). What I don't miss - GOING. The hustle to get out the door. Finding parking. The commute time (however short). Rushing to change out of sweaty clothes to get to the next thing, shoveling one of the three meals I made to bring for the day into my mouth as I do it so I won't be late. I DON'T miss any of that.

I would say that I should just figure out how to not let my days get that way, but the reality is that so many artists have to hustle that way to make ends meet. In recent years, I have at least been able to recognize that not ALL my days are that way: they come in waves, along with days like many I'm staring down the pipeline at in thinking about this summer (and have already experienced) - quiet and relatively unscheduled, with less pressing shit at hand.

It's kind of a relief to think about the above a little more deeply and realize that it's not the actual dance-related stuff that I don't miss. I've kind of been worried. Related: worry about experiencing differently what I consider to be key elements of my personality. Read: extrovertedness. I've long considered myself an extrovert, someone who loved being around others and is energized by it. That said, as I believe I've written on here before, I've been doing surprisingly ok. I suppose we have been seeing family and close friends a bit, so that helps.

Even before all this, I'd been noticed that sometimes, after shows, I'd want to go home more than I'd want to go out for drink with folks. I'd still go out, but not stay as long as some others. I suppose some of this has less to do with whether or not I want to be around people, and more to do with plain old getting tired, not wanting to be out late. Those things have long been defining elements of my personality too :)

I suppose I did realize in grad school that I'm often actually quite content alone, thinking, writing, making. I'm so content right now, sitting at my laptop in my backyard, observing the work I've done on it in the last couple weeks, listening to the shit-ton of birds in our bushes chirp and smelling May as I write this. Even during the day at home here with Kris, I am RARELY tempted to go talk to him, not for human connection OR procrastination. I have to keep remembering, like that I do indeed have allergies, that I do indeed not only enjoy but also need alone time. It helps me cultivate my creativity.

Perhaps why I'm surprisingly ok is because I've often been feeling as though my creative exploration is lacking some of the limits it normally has. Ok, well, one: time. It has NEW limits - lack of people to explore with, lack of space, lack of ability to perform live whatever is created. That said, the lifting of one conventional limit and the development of these new ones has challenged my creativity in ways that have often felt rewarding.

Surprisingly ok. That feels like it applies pretty well to the day-to-day stuff. To the annual stuff like the State Fair and the festivals we like to attend: not so much. This morning, it occurred to me how related truisms are really quite conflicting: "It'll always be there next year" v.s. "You never really know what you are missing until it's gone." These both feel true, right now and always, but "it'll always be there next year" stings a bit. Usually, my ending up thinking this serves the purpose of comforting me when I miss something. FOMO is a stupid, modern problem that I'd like to not even consider a problem, so yes, this truism is often helpful to me.

That said, "You never really know what you are missing until it's gone" has also been a good motivator for me in the past to sieze the day. Carpe diem.

Perhaps the real issue here is not the ideas at the hearts of these truisms, but more their absolutism. "Always." "Never." Those words are the real problem. How about "It'll be there next time" and "It's hard to know what you are missing until you lose access to it"? Absolutism is the real issue at hand, I think, with a lot of things. It's what keeps people from the "Yes, and" sort of thinking Kris and I have been reflecting on as pretty important for walking through the world in a soft and open way. Put another way, it's cultivating the ability to believe that two views that could potentially be seen as conflicting can actually co-exist in ones mind. For example and in honor of Memorial Day, which was yesterday, I can simultaneously support and be grateful for our service folks while also believing that violent, armed conflict shouldn't have to be the way we solve world issues.

So yeah, I'm trying to interrogate the ways in which I'm already missing May. I'm nostalgic for it, a month I've realized is a sort of magical in-between for me: between work and play. Between Spring and Summer. A moment of pause. I'm missing it, and it's STILL HERE. Rather than building it up like a restrictive eater builds up chocolate, I'm trying to breathe it in deeply while it's here.

C19: Lilac Season

One of my favorite times of year. When the smell of lilacs sifts through the air, I am instantly transported back in time to my Grandma and Grandpa McKinley's house, not too far from the house where I grew up. In fact, it doesn't so much feel 'back in time' as it does just 'to another part of the world.' It feels like a part of the world I can still visit because of how vividly I experience it when walking past a lilac bush.

They had a big one out front of their home, to the right side of the door. I remember running past it, playing on the picnic table nearby, and often stopping to smell and pick the flowers, which I'd deposit into little drinking glasses on the kitchen table for safe keeping (for however long they'd last). That little portion of the yard, as soon as you ran East of the house, would just pour open into a big hill that opened into a valley with woods behind it. I wish I could remember more about the valley and the woods. I suppose when we were little, we just didn't spend as much time that far out from the house.

I'm grateful for how lilacs place me into this spot in my life, despite the seasonal allergies I've developed in the last 7 years or so. Seven years. Putting that into writing makes it seem like I've been experiencing seasonal allergies for awhile now, yet every year I still forget I have them, and think I'm sick. In fact, this year, I thought perhaps it was Covid-19. Needless to say and in light of this, this season was really the first time I've been grateful for my allergies.

Back to lilacs. I can honestly say that I feel satisfied with how their smell can transport me to my grandparents: it doesn't make me feel sad or wish things were different. They are as they are, and I have the fortune to be able to recall aspects of my time with them so vividly.

In this, the smell of lilacs also reminds me to take deep breaths. As a pretty bodily-aware person, I never fail to be surprised by how fully I inhale and exhale when reminded to by something like the smell of lilacs, or the other Spring seasonal smells in my neighborhood, which is full of bright, beautiful flowering trees and plants. In turn, I'm also surprised by how shallow I tend to breathe regularly. In these past couple weeks and probably for a couple more, I have found and will find that I am continually reminding myself to 'enjoy this time while it lasts.' It's pretty finite, this period of blooming.

At risk of stating the obvious, I'll extend this beyond blooming spring. I suppose I should really also remind myself to enjoy this unexpected 'quarantine' time while it lasts, as I am fortunate enough to be comfortable at home, enjoying seeing my partner more, nesting a bit and cooking good food. Beyond this, I'll acknowledge that 'enjoy this time while it lasts' can apply, and could probably stand to be applied more often, to really any span of time. Any moment. Any trip. Any bonfire. Any good meal.

Any hug.

Any HUG.

Any 'get-your-face-right-up-in there,' full-bodied sniff of lilacs in bloom.

C19: The Insides

The insides. We walk past the outside.

It takes some pause to see the insides.

Here's what's been inside lately: for starters, "Freedom." I am frustrated by how this concept is being molded by some during this time. Societies, by their nature, create minimum behavior agreements that allow large groups of people to live in close quarters and not only 'survive' one another, but thrive because of the relationships and support structures they build together.

I feel like I'm either reading or writing (or both) a sociology 101 text, which is funny to say, considering I don't think I ever really took a 'sociology class' per say. I picked these ideas up among other subjects. I recognize I'm not writing anything provocative that hasn't been thought before, it's just what's processing for me at the moment. I also realize that the folks within my world who could really stand to read and consider these ideas are very unlikely to do so. Long-form writing just feels like a much better way (and therein my blog a much better place) than social media to clarify some of my thoughts and feelings in a written, semi-public-facing way. More on that later.

Back to "Freedom." Freedom to what? Tell a woman how she should treat her own body according to one's own religious views? Freedom to shoot a black man out for a run because 'Martial Law'? Freedom to ignore the public good in order to uphold some sort of misguided, lone wolf image? Fear that being told to wear a mask will open the gate to an eventual spiral into totalitarian madness DOES feel pretty misguided to me. Despite the many challenges to American democracy made by the current president himself and their fall-outs, Americans still live in one of the best-functioning democracies in the world. A scary though, that? Yes. Still worth saying.

It feels impossible for me to square how the same folks suggesting that being asked to wear a mask by a private business when entering their establishment are often the same people who more or less suggest that "private citizens should be able to do whatever the hell they want." How can one suggest that businesses should have the freedom to operate (within the constructs of the law) however they choose, and then be livid enough to SHOOT ONE OF THEIR EMPLOYEES when they choose to require customers to wear masks when inside.

I'm fortunate that my own personal 'bubble,' if you will, during all this, has been pretty pleasant. I have an excellent relationship with my partner. I have a partner. We are fine financially. We are able to take walks in the sunshine in a neighborhood other than our own and feel safe. We can buy, prepare and eat good food. So it's things like the above happening that create the constant, low-grade anxiety within my insides. And I know I'm not alone.

Back to "whatever the hell the want." Within the constructs of the law, sure. I keep thinking that folks who feel their freedoms are being impinged upon do not fully appreciate the gravity of what that second part really means. As a side note, these are not folks I'm inventing, they are real-life examples of family and acquaintance whose opinions posted on Facebook uncover their positions. To choose to live in a society is to choose to respect the constructs of the law. Do some attempt to pervert those constructs? Yes. That is why it's crucially important that they be protected. I'd suggest that "protecting the freedom to own assault weapons" is an example of perversion, not protection, but I digress.

I keep thinking that if the 'constructs of the law' are too much for someone, they need to invest in the equipment, skills and property needed to live 'outside of society.' This feels like a ridiculous thing to think, as there is currently no land on earth not claimed by a country or nation, but it seems fitting, as it is a response to a ridiculous notion. The United States has come a long way since the 'Wild, Wild West,' and we are a great deal better for it.

I suppose the closest one could get would be where a lot of folks with such opinions already are: the mountains of Utah. That said, when folks who wish to live outside of society need to come back into it for supplies, they need to shelve their opinions to work within the pact of the law. BEYOND that - back to masks - wearing a mask is really an act of compassion for other people, as it supposedly protects others more than the wearer. It's disheartening to observe that "liberty" and "compassion" seem at odds for so many.

I write all this here. I phrase it as 'disheartening.' Because that's what it is for me. Skewering family and acquaintances over our ideological differences in short-form writing on social media will NOT tend to my disheartened state, nor do I believe it will make a seismic-enough shift in their thoughts to really make a difference. In contrast, I don't look poorly upon anyone who chooses to use their social media in that way. I just prefer to take to personal, one-on-one conversations and am privileged enough to make donations to effective activist groups like the ACLU.

I also do not look to social media as my outlet for news, and do think there are many misgivings for doing so. If I do not opt to collect my news there, then why would I opt to distribute my opinions there as well? I've chosen to 'take the risk' that I may be seen by some as 'not politically and socially engaged' if I do not do the former. I think it behooves to remember that our choices in the ways we behave have always helped determine to whom we become truly close. If a current acquaintance would choose to not hold me close because they equate my choice to not use social media as my main outlet for socio-political activism with not engaging in activism at all, it's likely we'd not have become close friends anyway, due to fundamental differences in how we operate as humans. This doesn't make me or that potential person a better or worse human, it just makes us more likely to be a long-term friendship-mismatch.

That said, this thought-stream HAS gotten me thinking about what I DO chose to post on social media, and how it might add to the perception that it 'skews people's senses of reality.' I do tend to post positively and optimistically. That said, I think I'm realizing this reflects how I (wish) to use it. I turn to social media when I need a pick-me-up generated by people I have chosen to have in my life. Not for news. Not to exchange opinions. Not to get angry.

I want to come back to that 'chosen to have in my life.' To what extent is 'connecting with someone on social media' choosing to have them in your life? Prior to social media, we really only got 'regular updates' from people we chose more carefully to engage with on a regular basis. The friends we sat with at lunch and spent time with outside of school. Now, we 'become friends' on social media with our estheticians and that one dude we talked to on that one plane ride that one time. The extent of our in-person, one-on-one encounters with such folks is often not enough to build a relationship based on trust that will translate in holding one another in kind regards on social media.

I've always rejected the notion that I should 'curate my social media,' for example, selectively 'Unfollowing' people on Facebook, but I am starting to rethink that decision. I'm starting to think that making these choices is kind of like a digital version of choosing with whom you sit at the lunch table. Perhaps those you choose to 'Friend' but not 'Follow' are like the however many hundreds of folks at my high school who I considered acquaintances but whose day-to-day thoughts I simply did not have the capacity to hold. I ended up with the lunch table companions I did after time engaging with them uncovered that I desired to hold with me their day-to-day thoughts. I wouldn't go out of my way to engage in person with purposefully-inflammatory people, so why would I do so on social media?

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The above is a sampling of my insides right now. Alongside it are fears of how my career is and will continue to be impacted. About how movement toward having a child is and will be impacted. BIG SHIT. It's the stuff you don't see on social media, because for me, it's not the right outlet for it. Just because it's not THERE does NOT mean it's not happening.

That said, I will continue to post the piles of masks I make. I will continue to post small dances. I will continue to post small bits of joy, because that's what I go to social media for myself. It's also a way for me to keep sharing joy through my creative work, because that IS my work and I CAN'T do it the way I prefer to right now - live and in person.

The insides.

C19: It Is What It Is, So How Can You Turn It Into What You Can Use?

Sounds like a faux-positive, personal-development-blogger title.

But it's what went through my head this morning.

I'd gotten thinking on my walk about what my day should include/ look like, including creating a video to send to Brian for his MFA final project. That got me thinking about how I cannot imagine this is what he would have planned for his project to be, i.e. a collage of people dancing on video versus a collage of people dancing in person. That said, I also got thinking about how he, of all people, feels to me like a model example of someone who can see a situation for what it is, even if it is different from what he'd want, and then embrace it to come out on the other side with something beautiful.

Not accept. Embrace.

I think 'Accept' has to come first. I feel like I'm discussing stages of grief here. I honestly couldn't say right now what they are, as looking them up and considering them hasn't felt helpful to me right now (and apparently not really before this, either). That said, the concept feels pertinent.

Perhaps there are people who can go right to 'Embrace.' I imagine Brian as one of those people. That said, he, just like anyone and everyone else, has lots of energy running through those brain circuits that does not get displayed publicly. There's 'always more than meets the eye,' with most things. Make lemonade out of lemons. That's basically what I'm trying to say here. Truisms.

I suppose they are 'true' because so many people experience them as truth, That said, there is something to be appreciated about arriving to such concepts on your own terms. Labelling them as they are, for YOU. How they are, in the moment they arrive, for YOU.

It is what it is. How can I turn it into what I can use? For starters, I'm really starting to crave routine again. I think I'll start by using my to-do app again.