This is something that I do with a friend. He gets is in(coherencies) going, and inspires me to do the same. So here I am, resting on my unable to rest, projecting toward a non-project when projects could be created or worked upon. That is the could-should. Maybe that is the official title of that disease. The Could-Should. I believe I just diagnosed myself. The Could-Should is what gets in the way of peace, or dare I say relaxation. 'Relax' is an icky, dirty and annoying word. It's the word that I am told to absorb when I am too inspired or too opinionated or too tired. Ok, maybe something Could-Should be done about too tired, but even so, you can see the nasty pattern here. Relaxation is Sedation for people who dare to go red on a gray scale, a way to ask people to tune their radio dial back to the mono-tone talk station. I am not suggesting that this is all-out, planned conspiracy. What I would like to suggest is that it is an unconscious movement that we propagate in carefully unchosen words. Relax. There are few words that are more annoying to me.
This streaming is not being created to suggest that people should not have personal time. On the contrary, I am trying to learn how to get it and how to balance it and how to enjoy it without creating guilt from the feeling that there is always something better to do, because I know in my hear that I do not believe that. It is in these nuggets of time that the creative individual formulates some of their best, most true and real thoughts. So important. How do we let it be important without being sucked into the vortex of 'Relaxation'? To blindly check out is to rob yourself of those potential formulations. Saying this, I am not suggesting that one should never watch television. I think what I am suggesting is that you should watch with every part of your eyes and ears, rather than glazing over and witnessing only a portion of the craftsmanship that goes into creating what you are watching.
Streaming Consciousness, all inspired by an email to a streaming friend who also muses on such things. I noted to him surprise that he thinks people do not tap into or appreciate their personal time enough. I told him that it must be evidence that he is really enjoying what he is doing these days. Why else do people cut short their free time? People who truly enjoy what they do are ALWAYS eager to be back at their work, not wanting to miss time to put toward getting better at the thing that moves them. I suppose this is why I should not be worried about rewriting a grant for RS over break. I should KNOW that I will reach a point where I cannot handle 'relaxing' anymore, and that I will itch to be back at spending my time on the thing that moves me. So, perhaps it is less about free time and more about whether or not any given person is moved by something. In that, there is hope for people loosening up on their protection of 'free' time and their projection toward retirement. THAT is more sad to me that people who tick off their time until the weekend. People that work doing shit they don't care about so they can enjoy themselves in retirement. I am certainly stating the obvious here and know that none of this is new to you, but boy, it sometimes feels good to complain to an agreeing ear, yes? Agreeing?
Regardless of approach, reach inside yourself and pull out the guts to examine for awhile. Just be sure to shove them back in before they go bad. You know how tight-rope walkers often have a pole with a weight of some kind on each end? What happens when there are three weights? I have not yet figured out how to successfully balance them all yet. Yet. That's funny. Actually typing that makes me realize how ridiculous it is. I think this is part of the way we fuck ourselves over; setting ourselves up to think that one can ever find perfect balance, a stopping place. Like all the things will fall into place in a magical moment and the rest of your life will make sense. That would work . . . if the world stayed stagnant while you were growing, letting you figure it all out before the rest catches up. I cannot even say that this sounds boring - yeah. It sounds icky. Stagnant must have been the right word.
Minneapolis hip hop rockin' the speakers, making me long for the home place that serves as a bass, letting me situate so I can go out an appreciate, always coming back to that sound.
