Moods for Dance B

Sounds like the title of an orchestra piece. Indeed. I am having a hard time starting this one. Starting with a free-write and processing from there really helped me on the first one, so I think I am going to go for that strategy. That said, I don't want to let myself get frustrated if that same approach does not work this time. I suppose I just have to open my pores and go the directions I 'sniff out.'

In reflecting on 'states of feelings,' or 'moods' for exploring for this postcard, I keep coming back to 'Insolent.' I'm glad I thesuarused it, as it turns out that this term is much more brassy than I am looking for. Though, brassy might be a good one. Don't keep stopping the flow. Also, in thinking about how I have been feeling lately, resilient keeps coming up too.

If I had a postcard of what I thought the dance SHOULD be, I feel that I would end up in territory too similar, and I'd like to head in another direction. Explore something else. In terms of 'meanings I want to explore,' I keep coming back to how weighed I felt when I came back from MN. This is still a pretty unfamiliar feeling to me, one that I have a really hard time accepting I am feeling and trying to deal with. Seems like something worthy of exploration, after my manifesto lead folks to question how often I deal with heavier subject matter. That said, reflecting back on it, I have also had trusted colleagues say that for having such joyous, buoyant performance approach, that I do not often create joyous dances. Oh, tears.

Putting these two things together really evidences for me that I should just do what I want, as I likely will attain the most interesting result. I have become pretty interested in this gesture of 'pulling up my britches,' and wondering what kind of ammo I can get out of it, particularly with three states of being. Therein, a free-write about pulling up your britches.

I had to pull my britches up over and over and over this last week, starting when I stepped into the airport in Minneapolis. I kept hearing myself repeat in my subconscious things like 'pull it together,' 'focus on the positives,' and 'you've got to do what you've got to do.' It is hard to do that thing when what you feel like your truest self wants you to do the opposite. To do what I had to do on Monday morning, I had to take the opposite action from what that true self kept saying it wanted; to get on the plane when I really just wanted to stay. Maybe I could say that was my emotional self, and that my rational self needed to get on the plane. That said, when I examine it a littler deeper, I think my emotional and rational selves intertwine a lot (especially considering that I do not believe emotion to be irrational, nor do I believe rational isn't emotional sometimes). If I had given my emotional self the keys, I know I would have eventually felt unhappy with the reversal too; I'd be fulfilled personally and not professionally. To a certain extent, there was an amount of the opposite happening before I moved to school.

What keeps the emotional and rational ticking together? The possibility that they can be linked on a more regular basis. The possibility that personal and professional fulfillment (or situations that allow for unarrested development of both) will sync together in the same physical location. When put that way, it sounds like an end-gain, but with my diligent attention, I can turn an end-gain into a goal. What keeps me toward that progress is the desire and ability to pay attention to process, to be present in the moment. If I do not experience what happens on the way to these goals, that is how they become end-gains. If I choose to rid myself of time by feeling mopey and mindlessly watching TV for my free time. I am not saying that I should never feel sad or watch TV, but I am saying that it should come to a point.

How long do we let ourselves acknowledge present feelings that we know are toxic? I know it's not healthy to push them under your skin, but it's also not helpful to let them dictate your thoughts and actions on a long-term basis. Perhaps that is when you need to go back and remember the source of these feelings. How pissed would Kris be if missing him allowed me to shit on the opportunities I am receiving in Colorado? It would make the apartness lose both it's current and eventual worth. It's kind of like when a person loses someone, and people close to them say things like 'Go ahead and go on that trip to the Bahamas. They would have wanted you to go and to have a nice time.' Loved ones that you are away from support you in your away-ness if that away-ness is serving important goals. This away-ness is indeed doing that. So sympathy runs deep here? Sympathy is not the right word. I'll have to look it up.

Again, I am back to presence. It seems that this is the best way to serve your emotional and rational self, your supporters, and your goals. Trust your present state, and know that no state of feeling lasts forever.