Bleak is Beautiful

This is my favorite tree in my neighborhood.

While its leaves are absolutely stunning in the Fall, I love it this way too.

In it's Bleak, skeletal November form.

I've written before that 'Bleak is Beautiful.' It may have been a full post here, but I think it was just a caption to a similar picture on social media. This theme often comes back around for me in November, a particularly bleak month. My favorite ideas, among Bleak's definitions, are "exposed to the elements" and "charmless." Upon first consideration, these characteristics may not seem so great. But with deeper thought, I think they are actually really beautiful. 

"Exposed to the elements." Nothing to hide. Vulnerable. Open to the winds of change. 

"Charmless." In its most simple form. Without unnecessary adornment, and without the need to impress. 

November skyscapes feel Bleak to me in these ways.

I talk about this with my Dad, nearly every year, it seems. November has a bad reputation for being grey and Bleak, the thrill of Fall fallen away and the jingle of the Holidays yet to arrive. I think for me, it is this very simplicity that makes it so appealing. Brush away the extra, lay it all out.

As I got thinking on my walk right before this about how 'Bleak is Beautiful,' I couldn't help but remember that I also used the word Bleak this week to describe how the world is feeling for me and many people I know, choosing it in this case for its negative qualities - like "inhospitable" and "dreary.” This November's elections have made things feel very Bleak to me, in these ways.

That said, I think I have had enough distance - in this case four days - to have shifted through some of the stages of grief (which I honestly cannot even name, but it's felt like this), and to be starting to consider that there will be Beauty in the Bleakness. A large portion of America laid some shit bare, and now we are at a precipice in which a lot feels vulnerable. In this Bleakness, I suppose we are given opportunities to see where care is needed in the face of vulnerability, and to step up, without the need to impress, to provide it.

At the risk of sounding Pollyanna, I suppose this is the juncture at which I say that like my favorite neighborhood tree, America is Bleak right now. I still love her. And as I move through the stages of grief - of which a quick Google search turned out that the last is Acceptance - as a show of love, I am working toward continued appreciation of vulnerability, and the opportunities it offers us to provide care.

Bleak is Beautiful.

Doing Anything Else

I've been thinking a lot, up here on my work-play trip to Duluth this week, about how there are so many things one could try in this life, far more than a person ever has enough time (and often other resources) for. Going on lots of hikes triggered these thoughts - it got me thinking about how I've become curious about light/ ultralight backpack hike-camping. And about how it's unlikely I'll really ever do it. And how that's ok.

Turns out, that is not a thing you DO a time or two. It's a thing you DO. I've noticed other things people DO here, being in Duluth. People mountain bike. People through-hike. I think all of these things are REALLY cool. And that kind of makes me want to do them. It seems what I am actually thinking is that I want to TRY a lot of things. And when I consider this deeper, I think it's actually true that I might not necessarily even want to TRY them. And that's ok. 

When I watched people hurtling down trails on the mountain bikes as I hiked, my thought process was "Wow, that's so cool. Wow, you could really get hurt doing that. Wow, it probably takes a lot of specialized equipment. Wow, to invest in this practice, you'd really have to put in a lot of money and time. Wow, I like hiking. And dancing."

Part of me is a little disappointed in all this realism. Where's the zest for life?! I don't know if that fleeting thought will ever go away entirely. But I also feel pretty happy with what I have chosen. In fact, I have had a couple distinct moments in the studio this week of feeling as though I honestly cannot imagine having done anything else with my life. This is not to say that I don't feel myself capable of shift or change, but to say that the things that I actually do really fulfill me.

I feel like the luckiest person in the world to be up here this week, creating with a group of great new people with very few pressures surrounding the process. I'm making something I really like that's also pushing me, and getting to enjoy some other pursuits that also fulfill me - lots of hiking, some good food and some time with friends. I have also rested when my body has asked for it, and as much as that's not my favorite way to spend my time, I'm proud of myself for giving my body what it needs during a time in which I'm asking for a lot from it.

I didn't thrift. I haven't gotten to the gym (both things on my purposefully short list for the week). Who knows? Maybe I'll end up with time this afternoon that I hadn't planned on. It's ok if I don't. 

All of this is to say that this week, I've been circling the familiar, unending spiral around one of my forever quandaries - how to best use my limited resources. I think as long as I accept that there really isn't a BEST, and that there is no way to try EVERYTHING in this life, I'll continue to build comfort around the idea that, as long as I'm keeping conscious around my choices, I'll use my limited resources well :)

Some images from this week's choices:

Happy to be doing what I'm doing this week :)

Seven Habits of a "Highly Effective" Erinn

[A note from the editor (haha): I started writing this on Wednesday night, and revisited it several times between then and when I published it to try and get it to a place that feels solid. Even though Wednesday was a day of big relaxation, it was also a day of big progress, and by the end of all that, my brain felt pretty jubbly (which may have also had to do with being at the end of a couple weeks of flitting around from Melatonin to Magnesium to CBD to Benadryl, in attempts to get to and stay asleep - which worked until it didn't). As a measure of the 'psychological flexibility' I'm working to grow (more on that below), despite my history of 'getting it all out in one sitting' when I write, I opted to set it down then and revisit later. I think the writing below is all the better for it, good evidence that I deserve to offer myself some shifts :)  With that note registered, here's the post.]

Ooooof. Deep breath. Lots of them. I both love and loath this satirical title. 

'Highly Effective.' Something I thought I WAS to my core until anxiety came to get me. While I started experiencing insomnia on occasion in November, it became more frequent and intense in mid-April and has become chronic, which was the trigger for me to seek help. I got access to that help a couple weeks ago, when I started talking with a therapist and a sleep psychologist. Long story short, all signs have pointed to anxiety I've been able to muscle my way through until I couldn't anymore and it broke my sleep.

It's been frustrating to not know WHY the dam broke, but break it has, and now there's some hard work to do in the wake of that. So I'm working hard - not to rebuild the dam, but to find more flexible ways for the currents to pass through. I will say that in talking with my dear friend Jesse today, she helped me realize that the intensification of my insomnia (along with mysteriously developing a B.O. smell when I've never had that before) times perfectly with when I had my IUD removed. MIND. BLOWN. This, paired with the therapist having noted that hormonal changes due to pregnancy can be culprits of anxiety formation, gave me a WHY on Wednesday, and that's feeling really good. A great deal of the pressure that's been building and remaining in my chest in the last couple weeks was released with this revelation. It has definitely snuck back in a bit, but I gained a bit of ability to feel it there, yet also say to it "Hi. I see you, and I understand a little better why you might be there, and that's helping me."

So here, in a return to writing after a couple week break, I take some time to identify and consider what I'm jokingly referring to - as a way to cultivate some fucking levity (!!!) - as the "Seven Habits of a 'Highly Effective' Erinn." It's tongue in cheek, as I feel I'm learning these 'habits' or tendencies are both what pull me down and bring me up. It has been hard for me to learn, while I seek help, that things I like about myself - that feel like part of who I am (like moving a mile a minute) - are also causing me pain. In other words, they kept me "highly effective," until they didn't. As a part of this big process, I'm trying to consider these tendencies as things that need examining rather than extermination, working to negate how they hinder and uplift how they help. I think it will help me say to them "Hi. I see you, and I understand a little better why you might be there, and how you might go from hurting to helping me." So here goes:

1. Habit - Efficiency: My approach to 'getting things done' has been, for as long as I can remember, moving through them as quickly as possible, in order to have any 'free time' at all. While I have long seen this as efficiency, talking with the therapist I've started seeing has help me come to see that this is also a way I can move around without having to really feel the present. Subconsciously, it's perhaps been a way to stave off anxiety that's now moved from the background to the foreground. The therapist asking me to pick something up at half and quarter speed of how I usually move around really made this clear for me. In the couple weeks since, it has been really helpful for me to ask myself to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. All the time. Is it causing me to get (just a little) less done in a day? Yes. Is it helping? Yes, it feels like it. Interrogating my physical and mental habits is feeling really hard - it feels like it's taking up all of the brain space and time I don't have to dedicate to caring for Niko and keeping myself functioning well enough to manage my work commitments. It also feels like something I NEED to do. I am working toward accepting this not as something that needs to be solved as quickly as possible, but an ongoing project that will take as much time as it needs. A relaxed project, if you will. All of this said, I do believe there is still space for managing my time Efficiently - I just have to learn how to do it without employing the kind of hyper-speed that keeps me from really feeling the present.
2. Habit - Conscious Consideration: I've long prided myself on being someone who consciously considers what's going on in her mind. I've maintained a pretty consistent journal practice since 8th grade (I've got a whole row of black and white composition notebooks on a shelf in my basement to prove it) as a way to sort it all out and figure out what to do with it all. And this was effective. Until it wasn't. While crying talking about all this during a recent session, the therapist asked if I ever cry while I write. After giving it a little thought, I realized that I NEVER cry when I write, but I cry when talking with people about this (and plenty of other things - I've never been shy about feeling the feels in front of people) ALL. THE. TIME. It seems sorting my thoughts by myself sometimes causes me to logic my way into solutions without feeling my way through what's going on at any give time, which I'm thinking might be contributing to my anxiety. It's been really helpful to realize that, while writing may assist me in thinking logically my through challenges, it does NOT provide an outlet for the emotions that come with. Since realizing this, I've been actively seeking people to talk with about all this, and it's really helping. It seems that Conscious Consideration can remain one of my super-powers, IF it's done both by myself in writing AND verbally with other people.
3. Habit - Assessing Critically: As I've been working my way through this learning process and coming upon new tools that might be help fun yet challenging for me to employ, my first thoughts have often been things like "Oof. Good luck, Erinn." As much as I consider myself a pretty positive person, I often subconsciously frame things about myself negatively. I think I need to work on harnessing that self-talk toward better ends, critically assessing them and arriving to something more like, with this example, "You've done plenty of hard things and you'll do it again." Assessing Critically imply the application of an objective lens, which can help me strip the negativity away in attempt/s to understand how my attention to my thoughts can help me. 
4. Habit - Two-Sidedness: Part of me thinks I need to recognize the 'negatives' of how I think and act in order to reframe them. Another part of me thinks that seeing things I usually like about myself as negative has added to my difficulties as of late. The 'negative' v. 'positive' of this reminds me I of mainstay of Chinese philosophy 'Yin & Yang,' but I'm beginning to think there is a third space (or maybe fourth and fifth spaces and beyond, too). As much as we often want it to be, it seems life is rarely ever as uncomplicated as 'This bad, this good,' or even 'Sometimes this bad, sometimes this good.' Perhaps the tendencies and habits that are part of what make a person who they are manifest differently at different times in life, in response to different challenges and excitements. It seems that what is necessary to accessing these third, fourth, fifth spaces is having enough psychological flexibility to accept and respond to WHAT IS. Not 'What was supposed to be' or 'What I wanted it to be,' WHAT IS. Perhaps the two sides here are not 'the only two ways a situation can unfold - how I expected v. anything else,' but whether or not WHAT IS will be accepted in order to move to responsiveness based in calm self-trust.
5. Habit - Thinking Forward: When thinking through something, I tend to move very quickly from what is happening in the present to what could happen, a practice in which I tend to let fear of negative future outcomes take the fore. I've experienced this over and over again, with a specific example being fear that one night of difficult sleep for Niko will turn into him not sleeping well from there on out. While this fear has yet to manifest, something Kris reminds me of frequently when he's trying to help, it just keeps coming, in this example and with many others. Once again, I think I need to lean into developing more 'psychological flexibility,' a concept I came across when learning more about 'Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (upon suggestion of the therapist with whom I've been talking). I believe being able to accept what is will help me figure out how to commit my tendency to Think Forward toward flexible plans rather than fears.
6. Habit - Considering Long-Term Affects: Related to the above discussion is my tendency to assume - when considering the long-haul - that things I am fearing will become permanent when they haven't even happened! Take the example of when Niko has a tough night's sleep. Not only do I think forward to it becoming a pattern, I tend to assume that the pattern will be permanent! Not helpful. That said, I do think part of how I've been able to live a conscientious life is my tendency to consider the long(er)-term affects of my actions, both on me and on others. I think this tendency can be committed toward good in my life if I focus on it generating thoughtfulness rather than fear.
7. Habit - Taking Everything Seriously: While I consider myself a joyful, fun-loving and funny person, I take most of what comes at me and what I do very seriously (even the creation of joy and fun - perhaps because much of my work, which I take seriously because I want others to do so too - involves the creation of joy and fun). This tendency has made building, much less maintaining, a much-needed sense of levity hard for me, but it has also been part of what has allowed me to accomplish a lot of things of which I'm proud! Writing my first exclamation point within the body of this post feels like a little levity. I feel that encouraging myself to feel more levity - about everything, really - would work wonders in my ability to build that psychological flexibility I've been talking about. In other words, if I take what comes at me a little less seriously, I believe I will be less likely to see each thing that goes differently than I expected as potential for a permanent crisis. Doing so would leave more room for seriousness surrounding things that might actually yield significant consequences. 

So, there it is. My "Seven Habits of a 'Highly-Effective' Erinn." It's felt really difficult but encouraging to identify and assess these tendencies, taking them from things I like about myself to things that are causing me pain to understanding that these are things that will likely continue to hinder and help me. The encouraging part is that the more I understand and accept these things, the more likely I am to be able to direct them toward the later. 

I do have fear that getting help might be making things worse, or creating problems I don't really have: I've never been more down on myself since starting therapy and appointments with a sleep specialist. I feeling like I still LOVE myself, as I always have, but that I don't LIKE myself right now. I HONESTLY don't feel that anyone else struggling with aspects of their mental health is weak, but I tend to think that way about myself. Despite evidence that my current experience of anxiety has manifested due to the hormonal change of having my IUD taken out, I'm having a hard time letting go of the belief that the anxiety first I experienced two years ago while breastfeeding Niko hasn't gone away but I've been muscling my way through it until now - leaving me to think that I should be able to just keep doing that. Regardless of the why, between the near-constant tightness in my chest, crying to hysteria more often than I'd like and lack of reliable, quality sleep, I DO LOVE and DON'T LIKE myself right now, and that's why I'm getting help. I'm starting to recognize the fears at the root of this as what they are - fears, not reality - and I'm committed to working my way past those fears and toward seeing my 'seven habits' not as 'problems to be fixed' but 'tendencies to reframe.'

And now feels like the right time. It HAS to be the right time. Emergent anxiety has broken my sleep! It is helpful to remember that I have help with the day-to-day and grant writing for Rhythmically Speaking for the first time, which has helped to ease up what has previously felt, mostly, like manageable commitments. I actually DON'T feel all that stressed or overextended, a state of being I have come, since finishing grad school I think, to not prize. While this may be part of why I have felt confused about why anxiety hit now, it might also be part of why this is the juncture at which things I haven't known are packed away are begging to be unpacked.

I DO LOVE myself. I think - or at least I have thought before - that I'm pretty fucking rad. And I know I can think that again. It's already starting. So for now, I will say thank you for reading (assuming anyone does!), state that if any of this resonated with you that you can and will like yourself again too. 

With that, I will wrap this up, post it, enjoy some down time and pop a Benadryl before bed. Because yes it's getting me to sleep in the short-term, yes getting several nights of solid sleep in a row will help me with ALL OF THIS, no it is not habit-forming and yes it's ok to take night after night if need be say both the sleep psychologist and family-doc-dad, and no it does not have to become permanent! G'nite :)

Imagining Beyond and/ or Within

I got on a walk this morning. First one in a long time that I didn't feel I needed to cap the length of. It felt really good to stroll where in my neighborhood I felt like going, and for as long as I felt like. When I get on these kinds of strolls - ok, it's about to get REALLY nerdy for a moment - I often find myself thinking of a line from the season five villain of Buffy (her name was Glory, and she was stuck on earth from another universe entirely): "I could crap a better existence than this!"

Wait, WHAT? How did this musing on a glorious, late Spring/ early Summer walk, perfumed by flowering bushes and lit by burgeoning morning sunshine take a turn like THIS?

It's because the context of that humorous line is this: it pops into my head because I get thinking about how truly wonderful our human existence can be. This might sound Pollyanna, but when I look up into the big, old trees in my neighborhood and see the sunshine file through, smell the Spring smells and feel my heart pump subtly as I put one foot in front of the other, I can't help but feel grateful for being a person treading around this Earth.

This morning, this familiar chain of thought lead me to one that was new for me: I got thinking about how my imagination/ creative impulses imagine WITHIN the human experience rather than beyond it. While I don't necessarily think this is either/ or for the creativity of folks, I DO think that I tend toward expression inspired by, pondering upon and imagining what real humans do on the planet we have. While I LOVE works of art/ creativity that imagine other creatures and worlds, it is not what comes out of me.

Perhaps this is in-part rooted in my chosen artistic medium - dance - as it's base material is human bodies - people. That's not to say that there are not dance creators who develop very whimsical and non-human things - I know several personally who do. I think it's just powerful for me to realize that what really gets me going to create is what I KNOW, not what I imagine BEYOND. Another 'it's not to say': that it's NOT a part of the human experience to imagine. I think I just like to imagine WITHIN the world I know :)

Imagining within.

Dishabituation

It's been a mighty long time since I've written in this space. Dishabituation?!

Most of my writing has been in my handwritten personal journal, and it's been happening 1-3 times per week at BEST! Habituation?

What got me here today is the Disahabituation of being in a new-to-me place: Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. I’m here doing an artist residency program with like-minded jazz dance artist Kathleen Doherty and her company Votive Dance. It's definitely the furthest East I've been in Canada (and really, I don't think you can get much further East here!). It definitely has that East Coast vibe, reminds me a lot of the time I've spent in Newport, Rhode Island. Except maybe a little less "old money everywhere" and a little more "liberal, look out for everyone Canadian." 

I'm kind of giggling to myself as I sit on the 5th floor of the Halifax Central Library, looking out into a bay off the Atlantic Ocean and thinking "NOVA SCOTIA GO WING WANG WA!"

Somehow, my brother and I, when he was 12ish and I was 9ish, got going saying random syllables with Eastern Canadian Provences (as you do in your youth), and the ones that stuck were that and New Brunswick (which, by the way, goes "WING WANG CHA!").

Man, this one is starting off silly. I guess I just thought it important to provide a little backstory as to the presence of Nova Scotia in my life prior to my visit :)

But Dishabituation! Really! I read an article recently about how the process of interrupting our habits is actually key to happiness, and how travel in specific really does this for us. Apparently it IS diminishing returns - studies have shown that the joy found in the dishabituation of traveling peaks at hour 43, meaning lots of short little trips might serve us better than fewer big, long ones (damn, our strategy is usually the later). With this particular trip being part work, part play, I don't think I've felt the peak yet. I am still really enjoying this shift-up in my everyday. While I'm NOT enjoying the 'being away from Niko and Kris' part, it has felt worth dealing with the missing them to be able to shake up my norm. 

I suppose that is one of the inherent joys of artist residencies - separating oneself from the day to day in order to make space for shifted perspectives, different ways of thinking, appreciation for what usually is . . .

Anyway. I've been quite taken with it here. Much of it is just that it’s fantastically cool! Surely a portion of it is just being somewhere, anywhere, new. I remember my brother raving over every new place we'd visit on family trips, making fun of him for his enthusiasm for anything different! To this day, he is still this way, and I think it's very related to this 'Dishabituation' thing: perhaps he has just inherently understood this :) 

I think I perhaps saw it as idealizing the different, which is easy to do. We get sucked into our habits, and that can make anything that isn't the norm seem spectacular. But I think that is just what this 'Dishabituation' thing is getting at: experiencing new-to-us things reinvigorates our desire to find new - or at least refreshed - insights into and within our own norms. 

I think this is something the kids call 'romanticizing your life.' Whatever you call it, it's a good time.

I've enjoyed reconnecting with old friends and eating different foods (lots of seafood) and seeing what they carry in different grocery stores and looking at the ocean and going on ferries and walking the roads of an unfamiliar city and dancing in new spaces with new people. The slower pace/ release of day-to-day pressure certainly doesn't hurt.

Annnnd on that note, I have once again misunderstood the schedule - we start rehearsal at 12, not 12:30! I better get some things written down and get over there!

Dishabituation.

New Year Intention/s: 2023 Into 2024

KINDNESS 

SPACIOUSNESS | LEVITY

The first is the main idea I'd like to keep simmering on the back-burner of my mind for 2024, and underneath are two additional concepts, all of which I think will help me in being who I want to be during the coming new year and beyond. I will also bottom-line-on-top what I've light-heartedly come to label the Erinn Kellie Liebhard OS (Operating System :)), and further explain below why I've opted to do so, as well as more about the above guiding concepts:

 

Beliefs 

Consciousness | Love | Vitality | Purpose 

Values 

Kindness | Simplicity | Curiosity | Creativity 

Doings 

Reflection | Connection | Movement | Food | Outdoors | Aesthetics

. . .

The fact that one of this coming year's guiding concepts has been embedded within the above OS for quite some time, and that the other two feeling very correlated, makes me feel pretty confident about my biggest take-away from this go-around on my year-end reflection process. It's not the ideas I'm choosing to center this year, as it almost always has been in the past. It's embracing that my OS is actually the framework with which I should undergo this reflective process in the future, using the concepts it outlines to organize my reflections on how the year went. And it only took 22 hand-written journal pages, an attempt to sort it all out here publicly, returning to my private writing space and all the writing below to sort this out (so, big cheers to my fellow ruminators :)). I think I'm really beginning to appreciate that the more experience I gain, the fewer 'new' things there are to consider, at least when it comes to how I wish to operate in the world. I've been actively reflecting on who I am and how I wish to be through journaling (including New Year reflection processes) for more than 20 years at this point: I was sure to start identifying some recurring themes!

It feels refreshing to embrace the idea that I don't think I need to keep trying to harvest new concepts to center myself around each year: after 20+ years, I've got a damn good list/ OS!

This is not to say that I won't keep actively tweaking it: as one of the emergent themes from analyzing my writing and thinking from the past year - Defining - suggests, I will continue to evaluate my centering concepts for how well they encapsulate who I am (at my core) and how I wish to be (honoring the inevitable shifts we all experience as non-fixed entities in ever-changing environments). It just means that my intentional work around who I am and how I wish to be has yielded a great system that I can keep revisiting. It also means my future NYI writings may not feeling as ground-breaking for me as they have in the past: it seems this is just a natural result of the many years of care I have put into understanding myself and determining how desire to do life :)

With all of that said, I'll further unpack my guiding concept for the year, as well as some fresh-feeling themes that emerged as I analyzed my thoughts and writings from the past year during my written journaling. I'll correlate them with concepts from my OS to help me understand how these themes might help go on to inform how my existing framework has been and can continue to guide how I operate in the world. 

. . .

Kindness: I think this one emerged as the concept I'd like to really focus in on this year because I found myself continually revisiting it throughout the past year, whether in writing or just in my thoughts. It's rough out there, friends. We humans are using violence against one another over disputes regarding imaginary lines in the physical sand, we are turning a blind eye to how our collective actions - however small - deeply impact our shared earthly home, and we are treating one another as though we are not each what we really are - sacred, one-of-a-kind beings that deserve gentleness and love. 

As I write this, I acknowledge how hard it can be to remember this when coming across people whose views feel like they could actively hurt others, as well as people who just plain actively hurt others, both mentally and physically. But I would crumble into a pile of pieces that could not be put back together if I did not actively chose to try the best I can to offer Kindess to all people I encounter, whether it be in content or in person. I am not always great at this, which is honestly why Kindess is my prevailing theme for 2024, and why it holds a place within my OS. 

In arriving to this, I at first was kind of disappointed that it's a concept I've already zeroed in on as a Value. The longer I sat with it, the more it felt fitting that a concept I revere deeply enough to be one of the eight I revisit with frequency be what I highlight for how I'd like to orient my upcoming year. It was this realization that brought me into jiving with the big take-away I clarified above :)

But back to why Kindness. It is very easy for me to default to thinking the worst of people. And you know what that does? It sinks me down. I'd rather do the harder work of offering kindness - if even just in thought - to the people I encounter. I have to believe that even these small mental acts make shifts - however tiny - in the whole of the universe. I have to believe this approach adds up on a small and on larger scales to make a difference.

I have also been thinking about the idea of gentleness, which feels like a subset of Kindness. I came to this one specifically when thinking about myself, and how I should offer myself the same kindness - perhaps gentleness with myself - as I offer (or at least try to offer) to others. While I wish to center myself around Kindness this year, I also think I would benefit from considering how the following themes that emerged from my analysis of this past year's reflections and writing could serve to better the way I move through the world:

Defining: A What I liken to Vitality, Purpose and Curiosity. When I sat down to write this post, I was thinking I was going to clarify a whole new set of ideas, organized into 'Whats,' 'Hows' and 'Specifics,' when upon further thought I realized I already had a system (the big take-away :)). While I'm still appreciating this thought, I do think I'll benefit more from really considering how these concepts inform the ones that I've already come to hold dear. In this case, I'm thinking of Defining as the continual and continuous practice of coming to understand who I am and how I'd like to be. A low-key example of this from the past year was Defining that I feel best in high-waisted, a-line skits that hit mid-thigh. Clarifying this had a huge positive impact on my style, and in turn my confidence from day to day. 

On a larger scale, I see Defining as a way I put to use my Curiosity to better how I move through the world, in turn improving my Vitality and Purpose. The better I understand who I am and how I want to be (Vitality), the better I am able to make an impact on others (Purpose). I chose to keep this in verb format because it is ongoing. I have not defined who I am and how I want to be, I am Defining it, always.

Adapting: A What I correlate with Vitality and Simplicity. This concept has been coming up again and again for the last several years. As a person who tends to thrive on routine but crave adventure, I have long needed to adapt my plans and expectations to satisfy both those needs. Now that I am responsible for the life of a tiny human, adaptation seems to have become even more key to moving through the world well. I have found that it's not too difficult for me to adapt my plans and expectations to serve Niko's needs: it is much harder for me to change my own plan once I've made one, even if it's the right/ better/ necessary thing to do. 

Right now, I think I'm just feeling proud that I can admit that to myself: that's the first step to recovery, right?! I am holding an awareness that my Vitality benefits from ability to adapt, and my sense of Simplicity certainly does too: sometimes it's necessary to adapt in order to keep the flow of things simple. 

Balancing: A What I correlate with Vitality and Simplicity. Another long-term heavy-hitter, and one I've also intentionally verbed, as finding balance is an active and ongoing pursuit. I actually wrote a lot this year about how I seem to oscillate between poles: satisfied and unsatisfied, content and striving, mechanization and unbridledness, input and output, more and less. The more I think about it, the more I think this is just the human experience. There is no such thing as one balance point that will work forever under all conditions. Instead, we benefit from understanding that we will always be oscillating between poles, working to find balance among them. As I've often thought and said, this kind of thought can seem negative, but I really don't see it as such: the more we can embrace this ever-shifting nature of things, the better equipped we are to take actions that keep us in whatever version of balance will work for us at any given time.

Appreciating: A What I correlate with Consciousness, Love and Kindness. Some people call this gratitude. I think I like Appreciating, again, because it's a verb. It's active. Beyond just Appreciating what I have, I found and wish to continue finding myself applying this concept to other people and to situations. For example, "I can appreciate why X would be Y, because Z." I find this way of thinking makes it easier for me to step out of myself to try to understand something. Doing this is an act of Conciousness, Love and Kindness. 

Intentionality: A How I correlate with Conciousness, Vitality and Simplicity. I dabbled with trying to get this word into the OS - it too is one that's been around a long time for me. That said, I feel 'Conciousness' implies Intentionality - if one's Conciousness is present in all their choice-making, they are living with intentionality. All the same, I revisit it here because it came up for me a lot in the past year, specifically when it comes to making decisions on what's important to fit into my life, and how. Making the choices that tend toward Simplicity (ex: fewer, more involved commitments) has helped me toward spending my time how I really wish to, which has benefitted my Vitality.

Spaciousness: A How I correlate with Simplicity and Creativity. I had the pleasure of reading "How to Do Nothing" by Jenny Odell this Summer, and found myself realizing that while I cultivated 'free time,' it's been highly-curated. I really plan that time out in order to squeeze every drop out if it that I can, enabling me to 'do what I really want to do with my personal time.' Like cook. And go on walks. And curate my wardrobe. But that time - like my work time - is so tightly wound that if something goes awry/ changes, I can fall apart. I've come to find this arrangement pretty stressful, and long for arrangements of time that leave space. Space for something to take a little longer than I planned. Space to push something back. Space to change my plans. Space to NOT HAVE PLANS. I keep telling myself that in order to get to everything I wish to, 

I keep telling myself that in order to get to everything I wish to, I HAVE to keep my time this tight. But ya know what, I don't think I do. I've learned to start saying no to work opportunities that I do not HAVE to take, even if I kind of want to, if having to 'fit them in' will keep them from actually being enjoyable. I think I also need/ want to be gentle with myself about this when it comes to my personal time. I have long prided myself on 'being able to do a lot,' but do I NEED to, just because I always have? What's a lot? Why is doing 'a lot' important? A big way I think I can help myself is to keep questioning what I believe to be a reasonable amount of things to achieve in a day in order for me to feel like any given day was a good one. I do in fact apparently equate some morality to productivity, and when I phrase it that way, it feels icky. WHY don't I think it's good enough for me to just get to exist sometimes? I guess I'm still kind of uncomfortable with what might happen if/ when I just 'exist.' I have so many things I like to do! And it's not like I can easily block off a day to 'just see what happens,' with no regard to my realities: I do have a tiny human to help keep alive. Despite how it may seem, I have actually thought about and through this one a lot, and think it comes to this: while I may not need more NOTHING, I think what I do need is more space for and between the things I do choose to do, be them work or play (or both). 

Levity: A How I correlate with EVERY. SINGLE. THING. Perhaps this is another big take-away. As I read my writing from this past year, I found myself thinking, several times, 'WHY SO SERIOUS?!' This post itself absolutely SCREAMS this! We are now on paragraph who-the-fuck-even-knows, and it feels important to say 'Why take yourself so seriously?!' Clearly, I value reflection and self-improvement, and at the same time, I find myself thinking 'Is this really all so serious?' Multiple truths. I think I could benefit a lot from keeping a sense of light-heartedness and levity around how I approach all the things. 

Annnnnd: some more literal things, like: Dancing: A Specific I correlate with Reflection, Connection and Movement. This was on the list last year too. More dancing. Even if it means simply more morning improv sessions in the basement. Be adaptable on how you can get it in. 

Creative Research: A Specific correlate with Reflection, Movement and Aesthetics. I think this will actually come with Spaciousness. I am finding that Creative Research time is among the first stuff to go, because it, like dancing myself, is the least tangible of it all - grants gotta get written! Arguably though, it's the most important. While grants gotta get written, no one wants to fund shitty art. And it's hard for art to end up all that great if it's not allowed the proper background research to spring it to life. A couple Fridays ago, I ended up spending the whole morning doing creative research instead of the class prep I should have been doing, and it felt SO GREAT. Honestly, part of that may have been the fact that I was throwing my plan to hell and doing something different (I know, what a rebel). Moreso, I think it was because I hadn't allowed myself that kind of creative curiosity time in quite awhile, and it felt good to follow the wormholes and further shape an emerging idea. I want more of this, and I think I can get it by being intentional about planning for such time.

One-On-Ones: A Specific I correlate with Connection, and potentially Movement, Food, Outdoors and Aesthetics. I'm realizing that I'm craving more one-on-one time with friends. I wish to put some effort into scheduling things like this, which could also cross over with going on walks (Movement and Outdoors), trying new restaurants (Food) and catching live music (Aesthetics).

Bonus - Live Music: A specific I correlate with Reflection and Aesthetics, as well as potentially Connection, Movement and Outdoors. I'm labeling this one a bonus because I'm already asking myself for more on several things when I already feel overextended sometimes. I'm gonna try to get this one to manifest within other things I'm already asking myself for :)

. . .

And there you have it. Some musings on themes that showed up several times this year, and offerings on how they might further illuminate the concepts that already guide me. After collecting these thoughts, I amended by top line to include below it a sub-line with two additional concepts, making Kindness, Spaciousness and Levity the three things I wish to keep guiding me as I check in on my Operating System periodically throughout the year. 

Phrasing this this way reminds me of how on PC computers, you used to need to 'defragment your disk' to keep your computer working well (maybe you still do need to do this? I haven't had a PC in a long time). I feel like my writing is my way of defragmenting my own brain. By stopping to reflect, I'm able to identify gaps, errors, things to erase, things to program in. It is in this spirit of wanting to not only maintain my machine, but keep it running well and maybe even better than it has before so I can give the world my best, that I keep exploring my depths :)

Happy New Year!

"The Simple Pleasures"

There it is.

That word again.

Simple.

"The Simple Pleasures."

I've been thinking a lot lately about how Niko coming onto the scene has really enhanced this sense of actively appreciating "the simple pleasures" in life.

The feel of the gas below my feet (or bum!). The breeze. Going for a walk. Going to the library.

It's almost as if the limitations created by having a kiddo to care for have opened up a world in which doing less is acceptable.

Ok, arguably having kiddo around doesn't have me "doing less" in every sense of that phrase. I am/ we are putting to bed, waking up, brushing teeth, lotioning, putting on whatever cream should be combating his eczema NOW, changing diapers, preparing and feeding meals, playing, bathing and doing whatever other kittle kid care and engagement is required for an 18 month old.

All of that said, my feeling of myself "doing less" remains, and not in a bad way!

Today, I will have done all that. Beyond that, 'all I'll really have done' was take a lovely trip to the library, during nap time watered the plants, cut my finger nails, a little meal prep and cooking and this writing, whatever we (Niko and I) get up to this afternoon (maybe a walk and a little playground time), plus dinner and bedtime. Surely I will do something after that - maybe watch a little TV with Kris, put together a new outdoor umbrella we ordered, or read.

Looking up at the above paragraph, it strikes me that it's still A LOT, what I will have done today. Perhaps more what I mean is "is what I'll have done today 'Enough,' as in 'Good Enough." 

And honestly, I have a much easier time giving a resounding "YES!" to that question than I ever expected I would. And this is what I mean by simple pleasures.

Nothing in the 'what I'll have done today' paragraph is extraordinary.

Does it need to be?

I think I am just feeling really grateful for the various zoom-outs with which Niko's presence has asked me to engage. It feels so good to lean into the whittle-down. We get up. We eat. We play. We eat again. I do some things I'd like to do - like cook and write - while he naps. We play again. We eat again. He goes to bed, and I connect with Kris or a friend, or take a dance class, catch a dance show or relax. That's what Tu/ Th are often like.

That's to say that all the above writing does not necessarily address what my life is like on M/ W/ F, and often Saturday and Sunday. About half the time, Saturday and Sunday are also like that. Sometimes they are not, because Kris and I work weird jobs. I am ok with it. In fact, I love it. Knowing most Tu/ Th will be like what I described above is part of what is allowing me to manage when the weekends are not weekends. And going hard on M/ W/ F.

I think I have, surprisingly, felt more balance than I have for a very long time, since mixing into my life paling around with my Niko love. Along with that has come a surprisingly-sizable-to-me amount of space for simple pleasures.

Like writing this while he naps :)