Mission and Resolutions 2011

I can hardly believe that something so short took me 5 hours of evaluating a year's worth of thinking and writing - must be concise (a goal in itself!) Below are the results of my annual New Year's Resolution extravanganza, which this year also included a retrospective of my mission, goals and accomplishments to accompany the usual survey of last year's resolutions and all the thinking/ writing that followed. I will spare you the lengthy goal and accomplishment section :) Happy New Year wishes, particularly to those who continually help me on the way to bettering myself - Thank you.

Mission

Erinn Liebhard is a creative professional developing her own passionate interests in and community support of jazz and rhythm-driven dance and public health, through program support, creation, marketing and management. She strives to achieve a creative/work/personal balance that will allow her to develop as an individual creative force while managing stable employment and personal goals.

Resolutions 2011

Strive/ ENJOY/ Reflect

Flexibility/ Planning

Groundedness/ Change

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Live the way you desire

Happy New Year!!!!!!

The Intro to my Christmas List

It's interesting; in trying to put this together, I am finding that there is very little materially that I can think of wanting - I guess I should consider myself pretty blessed, because I am not going without THINGS I need or want (though I could sure use some new bras, socks and underwear, but I know you will not buy me those for Christmas!) I guess I truly am to the point where what I want is experiences - concert tickets, travel, dance classes, dance workshops. In a way, this is exciting to realize, but in a way, it helps me figure out why people often want THINGS - they often cost less, not more!!!!

Personal Performance Review?

Maybe that is what this is. Between these screens and the pages in my journal, a constant attempt to evaluate myself. Let's face it - I am not a line of work that provides me periodic performance reviews, so I have to do it myself.

I suppose I do not HAVE to, but it's sure hard to tell if you are getting anywhere without trying. That is why, over the free time I have at the holidays (in other words, self-imposed suspensions from working on projects that do not have set hours, ie, pretty much everything important I am doing), I intend to evaluate my progress, new skills, goals, etc. I'd like to know what I have accomplished in the last year. It has become hard to tell when the to-do lists I keep are electronic, and deleted week by week. This seems like something I am going to have to change if I want to properly track progress. I had the fleeting thought of trying to switch back to a paper calendar as well, but I think I have decided against it. The crucial tracking is all in the tasks. Fortunately, a plan has been laid to track Rhythmically Speaking hours, but I put that plan in place in late September and have, to this point, not been so awesome at using it or being diligent with it. Now that everything in that arena is solidifying, I suppose it is time to get serious about that.

Another reality - most of this is in prep for creating my yearly batch of New Years Resolutions. Yes, some find these lame and overdone, but for me, they ARE that personal performance review I am referencing, Because so much of my work crosses over into the personal arena (I think this is true for most artists), it is crucial to take time for personal evaluation. I look forward to putting these resolutions every year, because it forces me to slow down and reflect rather than bulldoze forward. The fact that I have not posted a substantial entry to this blog since September is decent evidence of the bulldozing. And indeed, I know myself well enough to know that if I do not take the time for this kind of reflection, the direction and objects I am bulldozing may not even contribute to the overall path I have set for myself as desireable. That being said, I suppose the obvious answer is to allow myself time to use this tool. In the past, I have been pretty good with prioritizing this. The period of time I was best was certainly when I was in Canada, as I had a surplus of time and a practical deficit of money. In the Spring and Summer of this year, money was at slight surplus, and time was in extreme deficit. Now, I definitely have more time than I did in the Spring and Summer (by carefully calculated choice), but money is borderline.

The two great factors in dictating earthly choices. Sometimes I hate this, because it feels so binding, and other times, I think it awesome because it encourages prioritization and creative thinking (both of which I could use more). It seems like this is a pattern I will fight with for quite some time, at least as long as I continue to forge the Dance Artist pathway. In the mean time (as I have no intention of jumping ship from that pursuit for the forseeable future), I have just been trying to focus my 'job' energy on making each hour pay a little better. Trying to take on more teaching, finished my personal trainers certification (yes, I am no ACE certified!) in hopes of using that for daytime teaching and even hourly options at a YMCA, intending to search for sering opportunities in the new year. The last option will likely need to wait until mid to late spring, as patios will be opening and restaurants will hopefully be hiring. I have come beyond the need for the people I am working with to know I am intelligent - where it matters most (dance pursuits), they know this. However, I feel like landing work in a gym will help with concerns in this area. In the midst of this flurry of thoughts, the most immediate goal is the idea of 'making each hour pay better.' This way, I can keep the amount of 'job' hours low and the amount of 'work' (dance) hours up.

Wow, there is a whole lot going on in this brain. The theory is that if I dump it out now, focusing on all the other things I am to work on this afternoon will be much easier. This theory generally works.

Intended actions of this 'Personal Performance Review' I intend to undergo in a couple weeks;
- Taking inventory of ALL the things I have accomplished in 2010.
- Writing an email to go with Christmas cards to the people who influence me as a dancer, outlining what I have been up to and how they have helped.
- Writing a detailed 'Take 10,' an idea I took from a book called 'Brag: How to Toot Your Own Horn Without Blowing It.' Sadly but truly, many talented and wonderful people do not know how to talk about themselves without feeling guilty.
- Assessing my personal mission statement, an idea I got from the book 'The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.' Wow, I feel like I am being paid to advertise self-help books. Also, Kris is in business school and they spend a bunch of time teaching them about such things, and I believe it is rubbing off on me. In a good way. There sure isn't anything wrong with being aware of how you spend your time and how to best spend it, particularly where busy-to-the-core artists are concerned. DO NOT BE AFRAID of mainstream 'business strategy' and 'personal guidance' books. DO NOT BE AFRAID!!!!
- Assessing the goals and plan that go along with this mission statement (including key information and contacts. I guess this is a five year plan of sorts, but the first time I tried making one of these, I went ape-shit and made a detailed excel documents with exact times. Fortunately, I have amazing, insightful friends (Kim M, Kim W, Sarah, Kris) to help me see when I am blinding myself).

As a result of this personal performance review, I want to take everything I get out of it to;
- Re-write Mission Statement
- Re-write Goals
- Write my New Years Resolutions
- Re-write my resumes (dance and work)
- Re-write the language on my website, LinkedIn, Facebook, MySpace and Blog profile - basically anything public that provides a scope of who I am as a professional

Other ideas? They are welcomed. As I am totally serious about there being no one else to provide me a performance review, I really want this to be worth it, and suggestions from trusted friends would only help!

I thinking of all this, one of the things I am most excited about is taking inventory of all the things I accomplished over the year. To me, this is more than meeting work-related goals, but includes all the fun times and adventures. I have to admit that even though I consider myself very self-confident and aware, I can get down on myself, questioning whether or not I really have accomplished anything or done anything to the level of excitement of which I expect for myself. In thinking about the last year, in turns out, it really isn't hard to being a list;
- BellaVida
- Winnipeg Folk Fest
- Another successful year of Rhythmically Speaking
- Rhythmically Speaking becoming a Fiscal Sponsor of Springboard for the Arts
- Completing a successful Rhythmically Speaking GiveMN Campaign
- Forming a Rhythmically Speaking board, complete with Zoe Sealy, a long-respected member of the dance community
- Renting the Southern for next year's RS Show
- Substitute teaching for Karla Grotting at the U and for her advance BALLARE class
- Performing with Eclectic Edge (Karis Sloss and Zoe Sealy), Karla Grotting/Jeffrey Peterson/ Jennifer Glaws for Rhythmically, Lisa Conlin, Kelly Radermacher for Fringe Festival
- Laying plans to perform with Off-Leash Area for 2011
- Choreographing/ presenting 4 different works ("Catious Conscience" - Performed Jan at Patrick's, "I Can't Ignore You" - performed March at 9 x 22, "Did I Do That?" - Created, Peformed August at Bedlam and December at Patrick's, "Arguegreement" - Created, Performed at Zenon Scholarship show Dec)
- Collaborating with Dameun Strange, composer, on a new music and dance project
- Applying for the Momentum Grant
- Applying for a Jerome Travel Grant
- Applying for the Live Music for Dance Minnesota Grant
- Serving on an MRAC panel
- Undergoing voice lessons, getting my voice back in shape and having a song prepped for auditions
- Worked at the State Fair for 4H once more, making my paid service there total 6 years
- Worked as Booking Assistant for Bedlam Theatre, gathering new skills, assisting an organization I care about and making great new artistic connections
- Passing the test and becoming an ACE-Certified Personal Trainer
- Joining the YMCA and learning about exercise science and habits, furthering my own personal fitness and nutrition
- Passing the three-year mark in a wonderful relationship
- Gogol Bordello
- Pretty Lights
- Lotus
- Tab Benoit
- Planning and Executing Otto's Suprise Gradutirement Party
- Planning and Executing the Clogger Holiday Show
- Many memorable clogger gigs (Fergus Falls, St. Peter, Big Island)
- Hanson (and buying Sarah's ticket for her birthday!)
- Choreographing for Arts-In
- Teaching Youth Jazz class for Zenon in the spring
- Becoming confident in subbing abilities by subbing throughout the metro all year

This is a pretty decent list, and it ain't over yet! I guess the moral here is that accomplishment is all a matter of perspective.

Now I am really amped for this 'Personal Performance Review.' Reflection, here I come!

Rhythmically Speaking

Rhythmically Speaking

Take advantage of Give to the Max Day!!

today (is a flashback) that coughed up a 'plan'

It's grey, rainy and crappy here, and I am feeling ill-motivated. This is especially weird because I have been really on-it the last week and a half. I had been letting everything I need to deal with pile up post-fair, thinking I'd have all this time on my hands. Ha. Should have known better of myself.

How did I get myself here? . . . Yes, this is not just a question drunk 20-somethings ask themselves when they wake up in an unfamiliar front yard.

The first two weeks of August were filled with Fringe and trying to amiccably navigate my way to the end of my employment with Bedlam. They are fly-by-the-seat, and I am sometimes almost too organized for my own good. I thought in that regard maybe I would learn something from their operating method, and if it were a show or artistic project I had been involved in, that may have been the case. Because employment seems to be one of the few things where I have seemed to think I could locate consistency in my life, I came to see that while I very much respect their mission and what they do as artists, and have loved having the opportunity to produce work there, me and the administration just were not meant for one another. My last week of work was the week previous to my show, the last long-run show in the space.

All this got me thinking a bit more, particularly as it became clear that, beyond August, my financial situation would require major revamping in terms of working enough at a good enough rate to subside. However, I put this tangle of thoughts aside to get my show up, running and closed.

The show was generally a success. In the middle of it all, I found myself getting pretty overwhelmed with the amount I had taken on. The amount as a dancer, no problem. The amount as a producer, no problem. The amount as a choreographer, definitely not a problem. The problem? All these loads mixed together into one big lump of cookie dough with not enough water in it. I came through, but there were times that I questioned the amount I took on. However, dancing in 4 out of 9 of the pieces in the show was precisely what I wanted for myself as a performer from this opportunity. Considering the kind of work I love and excel at is not happening as frequently as I'd like it to in the Cities, when I create opportunities for it to be presented, of course I am going to do everything in my power to perform within it as much as possible. Yes, it caused some headaches, but I do not regret it in the least. I got to work with choreographers who I had always wanted to work with (Jeffrey Peterson and Jennifer Glaws), and got to continue working with my deeply respected mentor, Karla Grotting. Though the week itself was insane, I am glad I did it the way I did.

This year's show also brought some unexpected difficulties. Two major things stick out to me; first, the choreographers seemed to think that the space was available for them to use, no need to ask. This caused overlapping 'rehearsals' and general discord. It also did not help that I happened to be the Booking Assistant for Bedlam at the time, the exact person with whom to schedule such rehearsals. This was a task I was not planning on having to fit into my to do's that week. We got it under control by putting a 'space sign out' sheet up backstage that noted the ONLY available times and split them into equitable slots. The other thing was the audience videotaping! We made announcements at the beginning with the normal stuff (no cell phones, no flash photos, etc), but didn't think we'd have to make an annoucement about video! The last night, the house manager spotted someone taping and went in to tell them to put it away, only to discover the same person taping by the end of the first half again. Rude as hell. So we made an annoucement at intermission stating that videotaping is strictly prohibited - it blocks the view of others, and Heather and I were paying to have a professional video done. If people want a video, buy the damn DVD - we are only planning to charge $10, which is ridiculously cheap comparitively. So after that annoucement, there was a guy in the FRONT ROW taping. I got so pissed I wanted to stop dancing and tell him to put it away, but I knew that would obviously only make me look like an asshole too, so I refrained. But boy, did I want to!

Overall, it was great - audiences were not has big as we wanted Thursday and Friday, but Saturday made up for both - we had people sitting on the floor, and considered it an overall sell-out! The work was great - the show itself was generally seen as even better than last year, and I got written about specifically in a review - I have never had a reviewer focus on me as a performer, so that was VERY exciting; http://www.tcdailyplanet.net/news/2010/08/20/its-all-about-rhythm.

Then, it was almost immediately off to the fair. I had one day of nothingness (I had it written in my calendar for months. The day following the show, Sunday, was labelled 'Nothing Day,' and I promised myself to plan nothing). I ended up taking myself for a bike ride, out to breakfast, and went tubbing with Kris on the Cannon River. Good times. The fair was what it was - every year I end up feeling like I am eternally frozen at 16 in that building. People tend to forget that 4H kids grow up and get real jobs. I often found myself feeling frustrated by how tiny little changes could do a lot of good, but how people who have worked there for many years simply respond 'but this is how we've always done it,' and make no effort to absorb new ideas. I think that my time working for 4H at the fair is limited. I really love giving back to the program and being in that building, but I want to be able to utilize my skills (I have been a manager for crips sake, it's really hard to be treated like a teenager) to the best of my ability. This really got me thinking about how it would be a dream job to me to work year-round for the Fair! In short, I was happy to be there, I cannot imagine being anywhere else during that time of year, but I am hoping that I will be there in coming years for a different employment situation!

During the fair, even though I had pushed off thoughts of 'what's next' for after, I found myself starting to think about the upcoming year, and realizing that my slate was not clean at all, like I thought it to be. Even though I decided to stick with my coffee job and not add any hours to make up for my lost job, I still feel like the world has piled on me. The next week, I sat down to assess my commitments for the year and their duration, as well as my future goals. I used to have a big, detailed ten-year plan, but my experiences are coming to suggest that such things never hold true when they are so stringent. Part of good planning is to realize that your plan my be de-railed by a life circumstance or a new opportunity. So I revised this ten-year plan of sorts into more of a list of goals and information, split into categories that reflect my current and desired commitments. I also wrote myself a personal mission statement in attempt to define more clearly what I actually want and am trying to accomplish with all these pursuits. In the course of this, I also re-did my resumes. Beyond that, I sat down and attempted a general assessment of what a typical week would look like for me this fall, and where the open spots were to pursue my projects. I was expecting to work about 20 hours, and have about 20 hours for projects, not including rehearsals for Eclectic Edge Ensemble. Sadly, during a period that I really thought I am under-committed, it turns out all the projects I have on my own really take something like 30 hours a week. I think I am coming to realize that my weaknesses do not lie in planning, but rather in the execution, specifically in regards to estimating how much time a thing takes.

I have realized that I have a tendency to just make a list of all the things I need to do and think I can accomplish in a week, without really thinking about how much time each thing takes. Sure, I have even gone so far as to give tasks days, but I still never tried very hard to figure out how much time each would take. So I have attempted to turn over a new leaf in that department.

I am planning to make a to do list for each week starting mid-week before, depending upon the progress of each task on the current week's sheet, as well as looking at my goal document and seeing which smaller elements of major goals I could begin to take on. So this fall, I have found myself committed to the following; working at Ginkgo three mornings a week, teaching dance one night a week, choreographing a piece for the Zenon scholarship program, choreographing new work with a composor/ live musicians for a showcase in February, making prorgess on my personal training certification, attempting to further develop Rhythmically Speaking, dancing and being on the board for Eclectic Edge, taking dance class as much as I can, and taking voice lessons with my dad to improve my voice for auditions. I also want to put a lot of energy into figuring out the best plan for my career/work development. I am starting to reach the point where I can no longer work between 3 and 4 jobs at a time, many of them for crappy pay, just to make ends meet and allow me to pursue dance. However, I still place great importance on my development as a dance artist. My major goal is to make more money in less time (who doesn't want to do that!). I am trying to be reasonable, and figure that if I can find the right job (involved enough that it modivates me but not so involved that it fries by brain from being creative when I am done), it can work. I don't think it is unreasonable to think I could get $15-$20 an hour at my current experience level, and especially if I get further schooling. With that, between 25 and 30 hours I am set! To figure out the right way to navigate this and what path to take, I plan to go on a shit ton of informational interviews(have already started setting them up) and to start opening my search to corporate job boards. I used to pride myself on never having worked for a corporation, but when it really comes down to it, not all corporations are evil, and not all non-profits are awesome. Bottom line, corporate jobs are a lot more likely be to paying in the range I need, and may also open me up to areas of work that I had not been able to break into or consider previously. I do know that I do not desire to work in arts administration at this time - it has started feeling ridiculous to spent a bunch of brain power trying to better one arts non-profit when I could be taking all that thought generation and applying it to the development of my own pursuits. Ideally, my work/time situation would lay out as 20-30 hours a week in a fulfilling and well enough paying career-esque job (event planning, public health, other areas of interest), and 20 hours pursuing my development as an individual creative force within the Twin Cities dance community (as a producer/ curator, performer, choreographer, teacher and writer).

Oh boy, that is a lot of stuff.

Obviously, I have been putting a lot of thought in. And now, the challenge is to make sure those thoughts turn into actions. Particularly on a day like this.

The Suspension of Mental Programming in Favor of Sensory Experience

I gotta call that guy. Too bad I might just find out that he is a whiz on paper, an asshole 'in person.' Journalists. . .

Newsweek provides a fair share of interesting ideas to consider, even in it's flimsy weekly magazine format. I guess I kind of take that back - any publication managing to produce any sort of physical format right now should be lauded. Boy, this is all kinds of not the point.

The point, yes, that is where I was going - is that, among these interesting ideas, there was an article that explored, and in the end blostered, art that 'has no meaning.'

Now, 'art that has no meaning' is somewhat of a misnomer. The dual act of creation and then observation is purposeful in itself. But I'll move beyond that; art that is viewed as 'having no meaning' is often the kind that allows you to suspend mental programming in favor of sensory experience.

In writing this, I am afraid of sounding dangerously as though I am in favor of not thinking. This is in no way what I am meaning to suggest. Rather, I pose that allowing an amount of time in your mind each day for wandering, sensing and feeling is a rather grand idea. Now, art that makes you think hard about something specific is joyful in it's own right, just as art that asks you to clear your mental slate in favor of sensory reaction to what you are experiencing in the moment holds its own set of cards.

This 'defense' of sensory-based art comes during a time that I have been thinking a lot about physical and mental health, and short-term memory loss. In thinking through options for what I'd like to learn about more and work in as a daytime support job to my pursuits as a dance artist, I have been researching and thinking a lot about public health and work/ leisure trends that have come to dictate how we take care of ourselves. Overarchingly, a couple of key ideas continue to surface throughout;

- We are asked to lick up (without even tasting) and process more information than ever at faster and faster paces
- We spend too much leisure time on activities that ask very little of our brains and bodies (perhaps in response to being asked to process TOO much during work periods?)
- We have been inundated with tools that are, while arguably helpful sometimes, a great hinderance to building mental capacity for memory (for example, the ONLY cell phone numbers I have memorized are my own and my mothers)

I feel like I am creating bullet-points to support the 'Slow Food' movement. There must, then, be a 'Slow Brain' movement? Now, that just sounds not-PC.. . . .

After taking a little time to look into this idea, I came to see that there are several different thought arenas on this (as I should have suspected, with everyone and their mom able to publish web content on a near-immediate basis these days. In fact, what exactly is it that I am doing right now than? Hmm...). A couple things to look into;

http://www.slowplanet.com/blog/home/
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/worklife/06/06/balance.slow.movement/
http://www.slowmovement.com/

I'm aware that bolstering these ideas is ridiculous coming from me, a great example of 'time deficit as status symbol,' but I am working consciously to change that. The best way to do this for yours truly? Art.

Creating, performing and watching dance are a thing of patience for me. I find, time and time again, that the quicker I try to get an idea from my brain into dancer's bodies, the less defined, dynamic and interesting the idea becomes. These are among the things that deserve the amount of time they need to develop into what they could become. And should that also be true when we are considering our own selves as the subject?

Returning to dance, I'd like to posit that the positive benefits of these larger ideas of slowing down and really tuning in can be reaped by engaging in dance that simply asks you to be a part of the moment; to be a visceral, sound-hearing, emotion-experiencing machine.

Colors, rhythms, movement patterns, accents, dynamics, spacial reorientation, emotions, shared experiences, bodily connection.

Jazz and rhythm-based dance forms encourage viewer enjoyment and creativity in ways in which other dance forms seem to often feel uncomfortable. By allowing individuals attentions to focus on what they are drawn to rather than asking them to look for something extremely specific, they are able to become involved and let their imaginations wander down various paths, encouraged by what they are taking in. Many people I speak to who are not regular dance-goers cite their reasoning as 'I worry the whole time about whether or not I am getting 'it.' Do we really want attending an evening of dance to be another place where people are forced to jam more into their already crammed heads? If your answer is yes, more power to you (I can, after all, appreciate the benefits of this kind of dance). If your answer is no (which, mine often is), please help me continue to encourage the 'yeses,' that the 'no's' have some pretty serious logic to their methods, too.

Suspension of Mental Programming in Favor of Sensory Experience. Now, take in some rhythm-driven, emotion-laden, visceral-feeling dance about nothing, and tell me what you feel.

Nothing? . . . Didn't think so.

The Thrill of Anonimity?

Sometimes I find myself pre-editing what I am planning to write out of the concern that someone whom I do not want to may find their way to it. What a blaring ridiculocrity - that is not a word.

A squirrel just jumped up in the corner of my window. Bold.

I know sitting down to type this that I was not sure I was in the right mold of mind. It seems that it is happening anyway.

Back to the original, stated purpose of creating this jumble of words - I have been realizing, in the last few days' newest installment of 'oh, shit, am I running my life the best way possible?' that the answer is no, and one of the ways I have come upon to fix that is to have less friends.

Wow, that sounds stuck up and ridiculous, melded into one goofy little sentence. But think about it just a bit more . . . how much time do we now waste trying to maintain relationships that may not hold much stock any longer? Because we are provided with tools that make this 'easy,' we march to our instant messaging programs, Facebook, Twitter and whatever else, relying on them to maintain what were once meaningful connections.

Let's face it - not ALL meaningful connections you create in your lifetime can last. A personal example of this - I am currently feeling very disconnected from my friends from Calgary. It has been over a year now since I moved home, and my contact with most of them has largely reduced to little chits on Facebook, or has all-together dissappeared. Whenever I realize this, it makes me very sad, but in contemplation, has pulled me back to a new year's resolution I made several years ago - to truly believe that friendships do not have to be life-long to be life-changing. I came to writing this after having spent an amazing week as a 4H camp counseler the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college. In all honestly, I no longer talk to anyone that I met there, including the guy I ended up dating for awhile. While I could look upon this as sad, I realize that I'd rather look upon it as what it really was/is. It WAS one amazing week of my life that I truly will never forget (down to the water-squirt games in the field, setting up my cabin to Dave Mathew's 'Busted Stuff,' on the little silver boombox that no longer works, the maple-flavored sausage that could not possibly have been good for us in any way, and paddling a canoe out into the lake to provide a performance version of a camp song that included the canoe tipping and it's contents dragging itself back to the fire drenched). It IS a golden memory that I cherish, and a big part of that is the people - Kayla, Alex, Cooper, and others - that created it.

In writing this, it occured to me that one of my favorite teachers from Calgary, Joanne, used to regularly read my blog, when I was living up there. It flattered me at the time, and now it makes me sad that I do not interact with her on a regular basis. However, in considering the larger picture, a return home was inevitable, and along with that, a reduction or loss of regular contact with the relationships I established. Seeing it in this light can at first be discouraging, but ends up being a reminder of the beauty that life carries in it's flexibleness and unexpectedness. I could have as easily never gone to Calgary and met any of these people, and in realizing that, I MUCH prefer it the way I have it - I did meet them, I did have to leave them, but I will always have what it was while it was happening, and connection points to the universe that I would not have had before.

In it's flexibleness, life also does a version opposite of what I had just described. Sometimes, you drift away from close relationships in which you are unsure of what kind of connection you will maintain, only to discover a number of years later that your connection has weaved itself out of fishing line rather than grass. I always knew I would maintain a relationship with Sarah, but never could have expected how important she has become in my life. It is somewhat of a joy to be able to name on your ten fingers the people you really want to see regularly in your life, and she is one of those people. Along with her came Aaron - leaving high school, I never would have expected that he would be a pivitol person in my life, but he certainly is now, and that unexpectednes makes our relationship all that much more enjoyable.

In this same line of thought, as much as I want to maintain relationships I find important, I also have the relatively newfound desire to shed excess ones. That sounds terrible when one has the gumption to actually state it, but we all know it is true. In a world where we are expected to process more and do more, limits have to be drawn somewhere, or we will 'more' ourselves into an oblivion. There are all sorts of art pieces and commentary and movements out there who project this feeling - "We Are Not Gadgets" by Jaron Lanier, the Slow Food movement, the backlash against fast food. While these sorts of things may make this idea seem unattractively trendy to some, I find a lot of value in them. As someone whose natural tendency is to want to do as much with my time as possible, I am realizing that I may not be wrong about this desire, but rather, the way I go about it.

Tuesday was a very overwhelming day for me, my usual day to dedicate to artistic pursuit. Generally, this is my favorite day of the week, though it can often hold equal amounts of resentful feeling due to it's creation as a day to get 'everything' done. When 'everything' creates more things, my feeling of being in control of my time and life seems to get jettisoned out to the sea. I don't think my life needs to exist in that kind of delicate balance.

In my hopes to be moving toward my goals, I have been trying to do it in the fastest way possible rather than the most efficient. To me, 'fastest' entails dancing in as much as I can regardless of how much I really want to do any given project, and taking on as much as possible so I do not have any spare moments. In that way, I feel that I am doing my best to avoid failure because, how can I fail if I am doing everything possible?

My, I can certainly count the ways if I actually stop to think about it. Here is a way - I am doing a lot, but none of it to the best of my ability. I am doing a lot, but it keeps me in a constant state of flurry that keeps me from comfortably settling, even into my leisure time (which I already try to limit as much as possible). Know what ths necessitates? Maintaining many relationships in impersonal ways rather than having a couple handfuls of really meaningful relationships that I can dedicate the kind of attention I really wish to in order to experience them in the most fulfulling way possible. The age old dilemma of quantity v. quality. And the really difficult thing here? It is that no matter how hard and long you try to figure this dilemma out, it is an ongoing, life-long struggle. That may sound cynical, but I would rather think of it like this - such conflicting concepts keep us from becoming complacent, no matter how comfortable or uncomfortable we are in our current or projected lifestyles.

So, in the midst of many question marks, forth comes a great many ponderances and dilemmas. While they may be frustrating, they seem to be catapulting me toward a continued better understanding of how I should/ how I want to function within the world. As the wise lady checking me out at the co-op said after she witnessed me run into an aquaintence from the freshman dorm and muse on how we both seem to be 'still' trying to figure our lives out, "Anyone who tells you they have everything figured out is lying to you." We spend our whole lives figuring, which more often than not seems like a difficulty, but really has its hidden beauties . . .