Dragged strumming. No picks, just fingers. Lacking definition, but comfortably soft. A comfort level that can only be maintained so long while remaining comfortable. But straying away to a new method brings new challenges and new ways of presentation. Such a leaping off point can be its own method of comfortable, if the subject is ready and wanting of the challenge. If the ready and wanting are not present, neither is comfort.
I am not too sure if I need a pick or just my fingers, nor do I know which is which for what is desired. That is most likely due to the fact that the subject of want is still quite unclear. Each way to stray seems to have its benefits and drawbacks. I am feeling a bit of a dent in the side of my zepplin after talking with my assumed summer employer this morning. Laid two people off this year? Not surprising. What is; unsure as to if they will be hiring anyone for the summer, as the current employees have been at one another for shifts and the patio opening is likely to assuage the situation. I have experienced no worry about summer employment up to this point. This dent has caused me to evaluate with more fervor the situation I am about to walk into, and how much I am really looking forward to it. I want coming home to be a re-charge, a refreshing stop between now and what is to come next on the grand scheme of career betterment in dance. With the prospective assumed job looking dim, I cannot help but feel dim about it all in general - I question if this time back will in fact be a pit-stop, or if I will instead fall in the ditch. I know myself well enough to know that I will not ALLOW myself to fall in the ditch, but the worry of course still crosses the mind. Doubt is an extremely common part of the human condition, yes? Or I will choose to believe so in order to work on tapping out the dent on the zepplin.
Truly, everything does work itself out, but I have extreme difficulty not having a plan of some sort. In general, I have been working to operate with a casual demeanor in regards to the directions my life takes, but for the most part, the point of the compass has been somewhat clear throughout. It is arguable to say that it still is, as I know physically where I will be in a month, where I will sleep, but everything in between those major details is still pretty elusive. I am generally a fan of purposeful positive thinking, but receiving today negative information about the state of my assumed emplyoment for the summer makes it very difficult to continue this purposeful choice and ignore the fact that the unemployment rate in the US at this time is 8.5. Considering that I have not even been in the country for severl months, let alone working consistently for anyone, I do now feel caught up in a current of worry regarding the obtaining the regarding of a job. And yes, true, I do think eventually I will find something, but I lament the wasted time finally getting to it when I could have been working, as well as the fact that it may not pay as well as the assumed job for which I was planning. I am not one to need to much, and I intend to keep a relatively tight budget this summer, but I was looking forward to letting a little bit more loose than I have been these last few months, so as to feel unhindered from doing the things we may want to do while I have time with my loved ones from home. I also heartily dislike putting so much focus on monetary gain, but in light of the hard, unignorable facts that I have been depleating my savings for months now, I cannot help but put focus on this, no matter how much it bothers me.
I suppose some discouraged feelings here and there are natural, but indeed hard to acknowledge them in light of their deflating of feelings of anticipation for your next step, which is in fact only a relatively small stepping stone to the next step. Now it is all a matter of the interaction between feelings that cannot be helped and choices made to decide the method with which I will strum.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
West Edmonton Mall
The mall was a strange occurance. Just something I wanted to see (not necessarily participate in, just see), and I went out of my way to hop a bus and check it out. All the express buses the for the day, I caught the #1, an extrodinarily-long route with many stops. While this at times seemed like an inconvenience, it was really a semi-hidden, semi-obvious blessing. The ride there was in the daylight, so I was able to observe the change from downtown to outskirts, in class, in upkeep, in charm (the respective levels of the former not always in ways one would expect). Even within the edges of downtown, there were small-time, small-budget establishments whose edging on run-down gave them character rather than a sense of repulsion. I am having a hard time deciphering between whether Edmonton has hidden charm, or pockets of. I think it is pockets of; there are sections of town that seem impersonal and boxy, like the South portion we first drove into. However, there were sections of town that were positively charming, like when you come to the bridges of the river valley and first see the large river and raiven that edge directly, steeply up to meet downtown. Brilliant. I digress.
There were of course some characters on the bus. There was a man who was smiley and giggly, to the point that you could not tell if he was friendly or drunk. There was the heavily-accented but soft-spoken old Greecian woman who I sat next to, with whom I exchanged a couple of small conversations - just enough for it to be pleasant. There was the too-young-mom whose ambitions clearly got overlooked, but that was overshadowed by how much she clearly loved and enjoyed her young son, who spent the majority of the ride scream-giggling out of joy (which I surprisingly for the most part enjoyed). On the way back, there was a woman sitting next to me who inched on passive-aggressive elbow-wars (which I sometimes get pulled into, and this was one of those times). Such occurances can be frustrating, but this time they were not for me, because I was content in observing, both the negative and the positive. Both need to exist for a well-rounded world. And it of course always helps when you have prescribed the situation its own soundtrack, this time Collective Soul, self-titled. It is like watching an abstract film that has both a sound score and subconcious commentary. All if you choose to observe. I digress yet again.
My trip to the mall was also made pleasant by my bus driver, who not only made sure I understood the routes I needed, but also joked with me. I arrived at the mall 50 minutes before closing time with no stress in my heart because I knew I would not be there for long. I had come to simply observe, and that was whole-heartedly the extent of my wishes. I parted with my Greecian friend and made my way into the white stone fortress.
The best way I can describe it was that it was its own strange little world. I choose strange in the fact that, to me, it does not have a positive or negative connotation in particular, it just quirkily IS. Exists. I felt neither positive or negative judgement toward the place (as I expected to, of course the judgement being the later of the options), just strangeness. Its, strange, isolated existence, both geographically and meta-physically, were enough to baffle me and make me giggle simultaneously. I am glad for its existence, simply so I can marvel at its strangeness, and enjoy the fact that the mall that had too many stores to count, a casino, an amusement park, a water park, a skating rink, demo platforms, fountains, Chinatown, a friggin pirate ship floating in a little sea in a rotunda, and probably many other equally-baffling things that I forgot to mention, a place that probably housed many who had spent away their entire day, took me only 45 minutes and a Tim Horton's coffee (to make change for the bus of course). Though fakeness seemed to permeate the walls, as I came across both a Euro-walk and a Chinatown that wre given their character and strive toward authenticity with plastic, molded architectural likenesses on the wall, I can STILL level with the mall's existence. A slice of life. It just made me grateful for my passion to get out and see 'the real thing,' and my growing ability to see things offered for purchase as 'just stuff.' Truthfully, there was so much to look at, let alone DO, that there was to much at which to look. Though I am admittably easily-overwhelmed, this was overwhelming. For some, it must be an enjoyable experience. For others, it turns them away and toward a quest for the simple. Seemingly, there is polarity in everything; Even the mall.
There were of course some characters on the bus. There was a man who was smiley and giggly, to the point that you could not tell if he was friendly or drunk. There was the heavily-accented but soft-spoken old Greecian woman who I sat next to, with whom I exchanged a couple of small conversations - just enough for it to be pleasant. There was the too-young-mom whose ambitions clearly got overlooked, but that was overshadowed by how much she clearly loved and enjoyed her young son, who spent the majority of the ride scream-giggling out of joy (which I surprisingly for the most part enjoyed). On the way back, there was a woman sitting next to me who inched on passive-aggressive elbow-wars (which I sometimes get pulled into, and this was one of those times). Such occurances can be frustrating, but this time they were not for me, because I was content in observing, both the negative and the positive. Both need to exist for a well-rounded world. And it of course always helps when you have prescribed the situation its own soundtrack, this time Collective Soul, self-titled. It is like watching an abstract film that has both a sound score and subconcious commentary. All if you choose to observe. I digress yet again.
My trip to the mall was also made pleasant by my bus driver, who not only made sure I understood the routes I needed, but also joked with me. I arrived at the mall 50 minutes before closing time with no stress in my heart because I knew I would not be there for long. I had come to simply observe, and that was whole-heartedly the extent of my wishes. I parted with my Greecian friend and made my way into the white stone fortress.
The best way I can describe it was that it was its own strange little world. I choose strange in the fact that, to me, it does not have a positive or negative connotation in particular, it just quirkily IS. Exists. I felt neither positive or negative judgement toward the place (as I expected to, of course the judgement being the later of the options), just strangeness. Its, strange, isolated existence, both geographically and meta-physically, were enough to baffle me and make me giggle simultaneously. I am glad for its existence, simply so I can marvel at its strangeness, and enjoy the fact that the mall that had too many stores to count, a casino, an amusement park, a water park, a skating rink, demo platforms, fountains, Chinatown, a friggin pirate ship floating in a little sea in a rotunda, and probably many other equally-baffling things that I forgot to mention, a place that probably housed many who had spent away their entire day, took me only 45 minutes and a Tim Horton's coffee (to make change for the bus of course). Though fakeness seemed to permeate the walls, as I came across both a Euro-walk and a Chinatown that wre given their character and strive toward authenticity with plastic, molded architectural likenesses on the wall, I can STILL level with the mall's existence. A slice of life. It just made me grateful for my passion to get out and see 'the real thing,' and my growing ability to see things offered for purchase as 'just stuff.' Truthfully, there was so much to look at, let alone DO, that there was to much at which to look. Though I am admittably easily-overwhelmed, this was overwhelming. For some, it must be an enjoyable experience. For others, it turns them away and toward a quest for the simple. Seemingly, there is polarity in everything; Even the mall.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
New Hair, Old Schedule
Out with the old, in with the new, and back in with the old again.
New: Hair cut -
Unfortunately, these pictures do not best-represent how blond and how bodied the cut is. I love it!
As for bringing back in the old, it is back to the old schedule with "Live and In Synch" now over. It was a great two week performance journey, and I do miss the show. I would have loved to have that third week we were supposed to have, but at the same time it is great to be back in class and soaking that kind of information in as much as possible before time here is finite.
Not much inspirational or deep for me to say right now, just the basics of life as it functions. And really just to put up pictures of the hair, yes?
Friday, February 20, 2009
Jumble?
I great many days between posts. I have not had much time to process quietly to myself through words for quite a bit. The last couple weeks have been a constant stream of goings-on; this is not a complaint, but rather, just something to notice. I cannot suggest, however, that I have no strong feelings regarding what was keeping me busy. A dance festival that I had choreography in, Kris coming to visit, rehearsal for a show for DJD and classes are all REALLY wonderful things to keep busy with.
Walking home after cashing my check today from DJD, it hit me that this is my job right now - performing. I felt exhausted, and had a check in hand to compensate for said exhaustion. What a great feeling. I have been paid for dance before, but not as much (for performing) and not as regularly. It occured to me on my walk that this could be the situation all the time. Of course, I am fully aware that you can make a living in just dance, even just performing, but I have not experienced it quite as fully up until now. A good feeling indeed.
I have also had some revelations regarding teaching, as I have been doing quite the amount of subbing as of late. I always through I just did not care for teaching much and that I just was not very good at it, but that is not it at all - it was just the content of what was being taught, and to whom. I will put it this way - I am not a children's ballet teacher. I have been subbing adult funk and modern, and have very very much enjoyed myself. Beyond that, the students have enjoyed themselves as well, making it clear by coming up after class and asking where I normally teach (to which I have to sadly respond "Nowhere at the moment!") With adults and forms I am interested in, I can communicate clearly and comfortably, and can really see a change when I provide insight to the class. It is so exciting to see the concepts get embodied. I have of course experienced that with advanced dancers in the choreography that I have created, but there is just something special about seeing a beginning student have a lightbulb flash in their brain - I am usually equally to MORE excited than them when this occurs! I have been able to gather that I truly do enjoy teaching, and have made it another quest for before I leave Calgary to have solid beginning and advanced jazz classes ready to teach, to bring back to the Twin Cities. I met with Joanne about this, and she provided me some of her insight as a teacher, as well as the information that we are welcomed to check out any videos in the DJD library, which include videos of some of the company dancers teaching specific techniques (Luigi, Matt Maddox, Betsey Hauge, etc.) I have been doing my best to write down some good, solid basics of these masters to use in class, but it most certainly will be helpful to have a video to reference when really trying to get it all notated solidly. I am feeling very excited about the idea of having these solid classes to try and offer back home - try to find a Y, a studio, somewhere (I was thinking maybe Tapestry Folk Dance Center?) to offer a beginning adult jazz class so I can get the practice teaching, as well as begin to further stir interest in the form at home.
As for the next choreographic project, I suppose I should contenplate the last one before moving on. Alberta Dance Explosions went fabulously. There were a couple tech fumbles on closing night, but it was solid other than that. Our tech on that Monday night went longer than I expected, but that was due to the fact that they actually hung some specials for me, which was a lovely treat. Tech run Tuesday, public dress rehearsal on Wednesday, the same day that Kris came in. I actually felt that dress rehearsal was the best run of the piece we had. Good thing the audience was full! The audience was close to sold out every night of the run, which was also very pleasant. I had a great time getting to meet some other area choreographers and seeing what they had to offer. I also really enjoyed seeing how they ran their festival as well, as someone who would like to put together more such shows myself. The one big thing I did note was that they offered a survey to each choreographer at the end - a splendid idea, and I was sure to fill it out and return it promptly. I know I always love to get feedback, and they certainly deserve to receive some after providing us each an opportunity to showcase out work. I wanted to be sure they knew I appreciated the opportunity, so I made cards for the key players. Closing night was lovely - my dancers got me a gift (the sweetest hood-scarf ever, which has barely come off my head since then). I really appreciated it - it was me that should be giving gifts and not them, but I wrote them cards and am taking them out for wine and sushi this weekend, so I figure that is a valid thank you. I also really enjoyed receiving a check for the presentation of my work - it has kind of been a stretch of several days of payment for dance, a REALLY nice departure from the norm of not receiving paychecks. Just receiving a paycheck was nice, but the checks all being for different dance-related things was the icing on the (dance cake?) The best thing about the festival for sure was how the piece turned out. I can say honestly that I feel very sure that the piece, at its moment in time, turned out just the way it should be right now, and Kaja and Andrea performed it better than I ever could have asked for. Their willingness to be a part of the process and great decisions for active performance were overwhelmingly wonderful. I certainly had a lot of moments over the weekend of 'Wow, I am so glad I came here. I would not be here doing this festival with these wonderful people had I not come.' What a great thing to feel.
Kris' visit was very nice. It was for the most part great, good fun, and the parts that were not great, good fun were great and good in their own ways. I have really appreciated both of us being able to open up to one another more as we get to know one another better, as well as developing the ability to talk about important things when they need to be talked about, as well as when to leave them on the backburner in favor of enjoying more simple things presented in the moment. It'll be a tough three months (who ever thought I would be thinking such a thing about anyone? Certainly not me - I call that personal growth :) ) but it'll play out just fine. I am definately not wanted to wish my last couple months here away - there is simply too much to be done to be thinking in such a way.
Now that the festival is over, the focus of this big busy stretch has become Live and In Synch, the DJD educational touring show for kids. We finished rehearsal this week and had our first show this morning. The show is about an hour long, and is absolutely PACKED with material. Between the show itself, set-up and tear-down, it makes for an exhausting couple of hours. And we do it twice a day! Though I am quite tired at the end of it, I am certainly not complaining - today was awesome, and I am truly looking forward to the next two weeks. The kids enjoyed the show so much, and it is great to see very clearly that you are having an impact. I love to spread a love for dance to an interested audience, and they are certainly that. Additionally, I feel so strongly for the work that DJD is doing, and am so happy to be a part of spreading that to people. All jazz dance and music-interested people have to band together to further this fringe form. I am pleased to be doing that here, and it makes me look even more forward to doing the same thing at home.
As for the next project (finally!), unfortunately it will not be Fringe Festival. We were not selected in the lottery, and are 60th on the waitlist (unlikely in my thoughts). Despite this, I still really want to do a show that presents the work of Twin Cities jazz dance artists, especially considering that I have had solid interest from several very talented and high profile people in the community. I am trying to collect my fleeting thoughts regarding how to put this show up myself (though not by myself, as the lovely Heather Parker has confirmed interest in co-producing) in time to make something happen. It is certainly exciting, but it is another ball to juggle in a currently rather full circus. I have never had a juggling problem in the past, but have had the luxury of not having to quite as severly for the last several months, so I am going to have to get in practice. I figure I will put my all into the kids show, and once that is over, I can focus on compiling my notes and thoughts from my experience up here, while also trying to nail down some details for such a show (theater space, dates, etc). Woo!
While many things float in an undefined space for me right now, there are two things of which I am positive - I am really excited to live at home for the summer, and I am so very glad that I came up to Calgary this year!
Walking home after cashing my check today from DJD, it hit me that this is my job right now - performing. I felt exhausted, and had a check in hand to compensate for said exhaustion. What a great feeling. I have been paid for dance before, but not as much (for performing) and not as regularly. It occured to me on my walk that this could be the situation all the time. Of course, I am fully aware that you can make a living in just dance, even just performing, but I have not experienced it quite as fully up until now. A good feeling indeed.
I have also had some revelations regarding teaching, as I have been doing quite the amount of subbing as of late. I always through I just did not care for teaching much and that I just was not very good at it, but that is not it at all - it was just the content of what was being taught, and to whom. I will put it this way - I am not a children's ballet teacher. I have been subbing adult funk and modern, and have very very much enjoyed myself. Beyond that, the students have enjoyed themselves as well, making it clear by coming up after class and asking where I normally teach (to which I have to sadly respond "Nowhere at the moment!") With adults and forms I am interested in, I can communicate clearly and comfortably, and can really see a change when I provide insight to the class. It is so exciting to see the concepts get embodied. I have of course experienced that with advanced dancers in the choreography that I have created, but there is just something special about seeing a beginning student have a lightbulb flash in their brain - I am usually equally to MORE excited than them when this occurs! I have been able to gather that I truly do enjoy teaching, and have made it another quest for before I leave Calgary to have solid beginning and advanced jazz classes ready to teach, to bring back to the Twin Cities. I met with Joanne about this, and she provided me some of her insight as a teacher, as well as the information that we are welcomed to check out any videos in the DJD library, which include videos of some of the company dancers teaching specific techniques (Luigi, Matt Maddox, Betsey Hauge, etc.) I have been doing my best to write down some good, solid basics of these masters to use in class, but it most certainly will be helpful to have a video to reference when really trying to get it all notated solidly. I am feeling very excited about the idea of having these solid classes to try and offer back home - try to find a Y, a studio, somewhere (I was thinking maybe Tapestry Folk Dance Center?) to offer a beginning adult jazz class so I can get the practice teaching, as well as begin to further stir interest in the form at home.
As for the next choreographic project, I suppose I should contenplate the last one before moving on. Alberta Dance Explosions went fabulously. There were a couple tech fumbles on closing night, but it was solid other than that. Our tech on that Monday night went longer than I expected, but that was due to the fact that they actually hung some specials for me, which was a lovely treat. Tech run Tuesday, public dress rehearsal on Wednesday, the same day that Kris came in. I actually felt that dress rehearsal was the best run of the piece we had. Good thing the audience was full! The audience was close to sold out every night of the run, which was also very pleasant. I had a great time getting to meet some other area choreographers and seeing what they had to offer. I also really enjoyed seeing how they ran their festival as well, as someone who would like to put together more such shows myself. The one big thing I did note was that they offered a survey to each choreographer at the end - a splendid idea, and I was sure to fill it out and return it promptly. I know I always love to get feedback, and they certainly deserve to receive some after providing us each an opportunity to showcase out work. I wanted to be sure they knew I appreciated the opportunity, so I made cards for the key players. Closing night was lovely - my dancers got me a gift (the sweetest hood-scarf ever, which has barely come off my head since then). I really appreciated it - it was me that should be giving gifts and not them, but I wrote them cards and am taking them out for wine and sushi this weekend, so I figure that is a valid thank you. I also really enjoyed receiving a check for the presentation of my work - it has kind of been a stretch of several days of payment for dance, a REALLY nice departure from the norm of not receiving paychecks. Just receiving a paycheck was nice, but the checks all being for different dance-related things was the icing on the (dance cake?) The best thing about the festival for sure was how the piece turned out. I can say honestly that I feel very sure that the piece, at its moment in time, turned out just the way it should be right now, and Kaja and Andrea performed it better than I ever could have asked for. Their willingness to be a part of the process and great decisions for active performance were overwhelmingly wonderful. I certainly had a lot of moments over the weekend of 'Wow, I am so glad I came here. I would not be here doing this festival with these wonderful people had I not come.' What a great thing to feel.
Kris' visit was very nice. It was for the most part great, good fun, and the parts that were not great, good fun were great and good in their own ways. I have really appreciated both of us being able to open up to one another more as we get to know one another better, as well as developing the ability to talk about important things when they need to be talked about, as well as when to leave them on the backburner in favor of enjoying more simple things presented in the moment. It'll be a tough three months (who ever thought I would be thinking such a thing about anyone? Certainly not me - I call that personal growth :) ) but it'll play out just fine. I am definately not wanted to wish my last couple months here away - there is simply too much to be done to be thinking in such a way.
Now that the festival is over, the focus of this big busy stretch has become Live and In Synch, the DJD educational touring show for kids. We finished rehearsal this week and had our first show this morning. The show is about an hour long, and is absolutely PACKED with material. Between the show itself, set-up and tear-down, it makes for an exhausting couple of hours. And we do it twice a day! Though I am quite tired at the end of it, I am certainly not complaining - today was awesome, and I am truly looking forward to the next two weeks. The kids enjoyed the show so much, and it is great to see very clearly that you are having an impact. I love to spread a love for dance to an interested audience, and they are certainly that. Additionally, I feel so strongly for the work that DJD is doing, and am so happy to be a part of spreading that to people. All jazz dance and music-interested people have to band together to further this fringe form. I am pleased to be doing that here, and it makes me look even more forward to doing the same thing at home.
As for the next project (finally!), unfortunately it will not be Fringe Festival. We were not selected in the lottery, and are 60th on the waitlist (unlikely in my thoughts). Despite this, I still really want to do a show that presents the work of Twin Cities jazz dance artists, especially considering that I have had solid interest from several very talented and high profile people in the community. I am trying to collect my fleeting thoughts regarding how to put this show up myself (though not by myself, as the lovely Heather Parker has confirmed interest in co-producing) in time to make something happen. It is certainly exciting, but it is another ball to juggle in a currently rather full circus. I have never had a juggling problem in the past, but have had the luxury of not having to quite as severly for the last several months, so I am going to have to get in practice. I figure I will put my all into the kids show, and once that is over, I can focus on compiling my notes and thoughts from my experience up here, while also trying to nail down some details for such a show (theater space, dates, etc). Woo!
While many things float in an undefined space for me right now, there are two things of which I am positive - I am really excited to live at home for the summer, and I am so very glad that I came up to Calgary this year!
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Mumble Jumble
Back to a place of 'what next?' Though this place has much more definition than it used to. I now know I am for sure going home for the summer, and the question of what is beyond is the dithering. This dithering actually feels pretty good considering I know what my most immediate action will be - to return home in June. Right now, beyond that, the options have been narrowed from what they were - no school next year. No staying in Minneapolis. So that brings me back to Calgary or to Chicago - a C city of some sort it seems. No green eggs and ham please.
I like to day dream about what will become of either option - I have been looking at apartment stats in Chicago, google-earthing, checking up on the JRJP website, looking into other dance class and company options, checking out what is out there for restuarant and catering jobs, etc, and it all feels kind of exciting. At the same time, I have been plotting my return to Calgary - where I will store the minimal stuff I will leave here over the summer, thinking about how to live closer to DJD and how much that will cost, who I will live with, etc. In thinking of this, despite the fact that I have lived in Calgary the last however long, the options of coming back here and of going to Chicago seem equally easy. Erg. I suppose I can let myself settle in a place of unknowing for now, especially considering my affinity for this place.
I did a little thinking this morning about public transit. I marvelled a bit at how I have managed to rely on it almost completely (outside the occasional ride from a friend and cab), something I have truly enjoyed and would like even better about Chicago. I say this because I know transit there is much more extensive. I have been able to rely on transit here, as everything I asbolutely HAVE to get to is manageable, but I have realized there are plenty of places I suppose I would have liked to go (even if it was just exploring the Northern quadrants a bit more), but have not out of difficulty in finding a logical and time-realistic path to get there. Do not get me wrong, I have been just fine with this situation (I have had to be, considering that my budget does not allow for a car), but I know it has in some ways limited the amount I will get to see the city before I finish my tenure living here.
In that same line of thought, I am trying to figure out how to best prioritize seeing what I would like to see in surrounding Canada before I leave. Andrea and I would like to take a trip to Vancouver for sure before we head out from here, especially considering that permanent residence in this area is not part of the future plan for either of us. I hope we pick a weekend soon - I want to make sure it happens! I am also tempted to take the ten days I have between being finished at DJD and flying home to rent a car and go crazy - drive all through Banff, up to Jasper, etc. Part of me really wants to save the money I have left (and really should), but it seems a damn travesty to already be up here and not see as much as I can before I depart. I guess this is something that can be decided upon knowing better whether I will be coming back in the fall or not. If not, which means I will be making money on a regular basis and not just in the summer, I will go!
Yes, I am using this as a way to sort out my thoughts. Another thought - I hate the idea of dreaming and planning my life rather than living it. It is easy to feel like all this thought is a waste when there are things out there to do, but entertaining this kind of thought also ignores the fact that there are limitations to everything. For example - 1. It is Sunday. 2. I do not have much in the way of money. 3. I do not have much in the way of transportation. Justifications or truths? Both? Yes.
Out.
I like to day dream about what will become of either option - I have been looking at apartment stats in Chicago, google-earthing, checking up on the JRJP website, looking into other dance class and company options, checking out what is out there for restuarant and catering jobs, etc, and it all feels kind of exciting. At the same time, I have been plotting my return to Calgary - where I will store the minimal stuff I will leave here over the summer, thinking about how to live closer to DJD and how much that will cost, who I will live with, etc. In thinking of this, despite the fact that I have lived in Calgary the last however long, the options of coming back here and of going to Chicago seem equally easy. Erg. I suppose I can let myself settle in a place of unknowing for now, especially considering my affinity for this place.
I did a little thinking this morning about public transit. I marvelled a bit at how I have managed to rely on it almost completely (outside the occasional ride from a friend and cab), something I have truly enjoyed and would like even better about Chicago. I say this because I know transit there is much more extensive. I have been able to rely on transit here, as everything I asbolutely HAVE to get to is manageable, but I have realized there are plenty of places I suppose I would have liked to go (even if it was just exploring the Northern quadrants a bit more), but have not out of difficulty in finding a logical and time-realistic path to get there. Do not get me wrong, I have been just fine with this situation (I have had to be, considering that my budget does not allow for a car), but I know it has in some ways limited the amount I will get to see the city before I finish my tenure living here.
In that same line of thought, I am trying to figure out how to best prioritize seeing what I would like to see in surrounding Canada before I leave. Andrea and I would like to take a trip to Vancouver for sure before we head out from here, especially considering that permanent residence in this area is not part of the future plan for either of us. I hope we pick a weekend soon - I want to make sure it happens! I am also tempted to take the ten days I have between being finished at DJD and flying home to rent a car and go crazy - drive all through Banff, up to Jasper, etc. Part of me really wants to save the money I have left (and really should), but it seems a damn travesty to already be up here and not see as much as I can before I depart. I guess this is something that can be decided upon knowing better whether I will be coming back in the fall or not. If not, which means I will be making money on a regular basis and not just in the summer, I will go!
Yes, I am using this as a way to sort out my thoughts. Another thought - I hate the idea of dreaming and planning my life rather than living it. It is easy to feel like all this thought is a waste when there are things out there to do, but entertaining this kind of thought also ignores the fact that there are limitations to everything. For example - 1. It is Sunday. 2. I do not have much in the way of money. 3. I do not have much in the way of transportation. Justifications or truths? Both? Yes.
Out.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
The Figuring
Figuring between 'should I stay or should I go now?' The desired answer is the former, but plans do not always form and carry themselves out because they are what you want. You can think on such things all you want, but thinking does nothing to resolve them. I often use my writing as a forum to solve my own issues, but when the issue at hand involves variables outside yourself, there is not much to be done until each variable decides to make progress on a solution. Progress on whether or not I will be coming back to Canada will be made soon, in fact, sooner than I expected, but it is nerve-racking all the same. I believe this is part of why I liked my 'I have several operating strategies,' and 'gypsying' phases of mind. With no particularly decisive feelings toward any of my options, I was free to float about them all, glowing in possibility. I suppose this is something I should check in on - better to have several options for next year than to be stuck with one desired path.
In speaking with Talia about this the other day, she had to remind me that we still have half a year left of the program, and that letting these kind of worries consume me already would be an injustice to what we already have. Ealier in the year, she had a revelation to try and live in the moment more often. I remember talking with her about this, and it certainly does only seem fitting that she offer this frame of mind to me. When thinking in this way, it is easy to also remember one of my most simple new year's resolutions - to show my gratitude more often. When considering this more, it seems that this does not only apply to showing others that I am grateful for their actions, but also to allow myself to be grateful for what I have helped myself to attain. Sure, there will always be ways that what one has in the present could be deemed better (in this situation, it would be knowing that I will be back next year), but these things should not discount what one is already in the midst of enjoying. Not allowing onself to enjoy what is already on their plate only lets the food get cold, and spoils the appetite for what might be placed on the plate later.
Keeping in mind that I seem to have done everything I can up to this point to influence the future, I am going to try and actively pursue being grateful for what is happening now.
In speaking with Talia about this the other day, she had to remind me that we still have half a year left of the program, and that letting these kind of worries consume me already would be an injustice to what we already have. Ealier in the year, she had a revelation to try and live in the moment more often. I remember talking with her about this, and it certainly does only seem fitting that she offer this frame of mind to me. When thinking in this way, it is easy to also remember one of my most simple new year's resolutions - to show my gratitude more often. When considering this more, it seems that this does not only apply to showing others that I am grateful for their actions, but also to allow myself to be grateful for what I have helped myself to attain. Sure, there will always be ways that what one has in the present could be deemed better (in this situation, it would be knowing that I will be back next year), but these things should not discount what one is already in the midst of enjoying. Not allowing onself to enjoy what is already on their plate only lets the food get cold, and spoils the appetite for what might be placed on the plate later.
Keeping in mind that I seem to have done everything I can up to this point to influence the future, I am going to try and actively pursue being grateful for what is happening now.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
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