Emblematic

 Emblematic.

Growth around. Despite? Within?

The wine bottle within got left there, in this patch of my back yard, on New Year's Eve 2019. Really, by the time we were drinking that bottle, it was New Year's Day 2020. There has been so much this year has brought that I never could have imagined that night/ morning.

Coincidentally, last night, Kris and I drank the same kind of wine with two of the same friends with which we drank the bottle in the photo, though this time it was in their backyard, not ours. Things that have changed: our ability to hug one another and go into one another's houses. Things that have not changed: our friendship. What we are discussing may be 'different,' but when is it ever 'the same'? In this light, things are indeed changing all the time. Lack of change can mean stasis.

Much of the context in which the weeds have grown around this bottle is not the kind of context I would have wished for this year. I suppose I'm using the word 'wish' here because that is indeed what I mean: 'wishing' perhaps pertaining to that you know you do not have direct control over, and 'planning' for that you do. Recognizing there is a wide spectrum between these poles opens the possibilities of how they overlap as well.

I've kept thinking back to that night in the last couple weeks: New Year's Eve 2019/ New Year's Day 2020. Some of it is humorous, as I've been patting myself on the back for conning my closest of the close into a bonfire in the backyard the last two December 31sts: really, I've just been preparing them for the fact that if they wanna hang out that night this year, it'll have to be in the backyard, right?! Some of it is more serious. For as long as I can remember, I have been one to appreciate how the annualness of things like New Year's, my birthday and the State Fair/ back to school time can serve as set-points at which to reflect and prepare. Kris tends to refute the idea that New Year's in particular is some sort of 'reset,' as this mindset can often be more dangerous for folks than helpful. I appreciate this perspective, but still lean toward finding benefit in looking upon these dates and events as useful points through the year at which to ponder what's been going well and what could use a boost - at least where junctures of direct impact are concerned.

I find myself reflecting on this bottle in the weeds not at an exact set-point (though State Fair and back to school, however reimagined, are on their way). Instead, it's an emblematic object to which I keep finding my way back. It's image gives me a strange sense of hope: there was a New Year's last year, and if I am fortunate enough to keep on living - an idea that always rings true and that I am working to not take for granted - there will be another one. And one after that . . .

Other Things to Think About

Is optimism a well that runs dry? I suppose a well metaphor implies that there will always be more ground water and rains to fill it up when it's become/ has been emptied.

Been wondering about my well. Often quite full, it's feeling pretty dry right now. A couple days of quite down feelings in relative succession are not common for me, so it makes me ask questions.

It's hard to be pouring time into things meant to be shared that you are not quite sure will be witnessed as they should be.

As they should be? Like, in a theater full of people sitting next to one another? 'As they should be' is rightfully being debated right now in the name of innovation, and in ways, I'm totally here for it, while in ways I'm pressed on why so much effort should be poured in if no one is going to witness, even in a modified way.

Not interested in remaining sour for any longer than I need to, I'm investing in the idea that folks have a lot of other things to think about, particularly at the juncture of time in which the digital show I'm producing will be happening. This is always true about this show at this time of the year, but particularly true in a year where so much is still up in the air regarding what school will look like in less than a month.

Fixating on the lack of attention folks may be able to give to the offerings I'm trying to create rather than considering the places their attention is needing to go right now feels short-sited and, frankly, selfish.

I know this, I just can't help but feel my feelings in order to work through them as best as I can. As I know I've written numerous times during this period, I myself have not biewed many live-streamed and pre-recorded shows shared digitally, something I've had to investigate. I'm realizing that watching such offerings, especially when they are streams of old shows that happened on big theater stages with people watching live, makes me sad. In the event of live-action livestreamed shows, perhaps it's missing that energy of being in the space with other people watching it all happen from within our bodies.

I want to be a person supporting these offerings, but also am generally not a fan of forcing myself to do something that I'm really not gravitating toward.

I have been peeking at the DanceMN newsletter to get a sense of who is doing what, and am realizing that perhaps less companies than I thought are really trying to 'do shows.’ The folks I am able to get a sense of all seem to be doing pretty different things. There is a piece of me that thinks that Fall will be a better time to try and capture people's attention because there will be less to do outside, but another part of me thinks the 'hunker down' sensibility' will cause people to be less engaged in such things. I suppose all I can do is what works for me and what I have the resources for - and this is not a 'now' thing, this is an 'all the time' thing.

Sometimes, it can just be hard to figure out 'what works.'

As I maintain this ongoing process for myself, I think it'll be important for me to remember that I too have 'other things to think about.' We all do.