Planned Movements

Meditation

2012-01-19T07:06:00.000-08:00

I went again this morning.

I can see this being something that I'd really like to pursue. I am sure that a large part of it is that it is very difficult for me. It baffles me how something so truly simple can be so difficult. This is surely evidence that we pile far too many things into our minds. If we are not constantly juggling several thoughts at once, its as though we are not doing anything. Or is this just me? Should I be saying we? I think probably.

Another thing that baffles me is how much easier it becomes to meditate when in a space with several other people who are doing the same or similar. I guess this falls in line with the observation I have made of myself in reasons for enjoying dance class; feeling the energy of others is an extra motivator, something that holds us accountable in our pursuits.

I was explaining to Adrienne yesterday morning that I have historically had trouble with practicing anything on my own; yoga, meditation, even stretching. In going to Common Ground, I have discovered that maybe it isn't that I cannot do any of this on my own, but that the space in which I do it matters. Home is a place of storage, preparation, and yes, sometimes relaxation. Though I am thinking that relaxation and meditation or yoga practice are not nearly the same thing.

When I pause on my own at home to practice something like this, I almost feel as though I am marking time or not really doing much of anything. This may be due to the fact that home has many options for distraction, and I am not far enough along in being consciously mindful enough to let these distracts float out of my mindframe. Therein, for me, it seems that a space to go to is key in these practices. Somehow, when I leave home and go to a designated space, an activity becomes more real. I sometimes think this perception of mine ridiculous, but I suppose it is what it is, and if it is working for me, it's working!

That said, I am grateful to have found a space that feels welcoming and warm and is affordable. I am looking forward to continuing my visits. I am invigorated by this challenging yet simply activity; to be mindful.

Trust That You Are Exactly Where You Are Meant to Be.

2012-01-11T06:03:00.001-08:00

I think that is what I did when I went to chase the sun this morning. I saw the reflection of the pink clouds on the windows in the building next door, and the next thing I knew, I was grabbing my coat. I also laid in bed for a half hour this morning before getting up, because that is what my body felt like doing. Granted, I mentally gave myself shit the whole time, but yet, I laid there still. Part of me agrees with the shit-giving, and another part of me is impressed that I managed that stillness.

It truly can be gratifying to trust your gut. Good thing my gut does not want to drink beer and play video games all day!

New Year's Resolutions 2012

2011-12-31T08:24:00.000-08:00

2011.

The course of this year saw the repetition of many ideas and words. They seemed to come out into two major categories;

Trust in my choices; Stability, Focus, Belief.

Trust in who I am; Value, Fullness, Contentment. Therein...

Trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

Keepin' it simple, smarty. We will see how this works :)

Erinn

Personality Traits of People with Creative Flow

2011-11-08T08:24:00.000-08:00

Hm...doesn't everyone and their mom think that they are creative?

Ok, well let me re-phrase; doesn't anyone with any spec of self-esteem think they are creative? I think the answer must be yes, and I am not sure if I think that is good or bad thing.

I read an interesting blog this morning from Entrepreneur the Arts (http://blog.entrepreneurthearts.com/2011/11/07/creative-productivity-the-creative-theorists-part-3-csikszentmihalyi/). It addressed Csikzentmihalyi's theory of 'flow' as the creative channel between boredom and anxiety, skill and challenge; his way of describing the onset of the creative process. Very interesting stuff. Along with defining this 'flow,' he describes the characteristics of people that tend to possess the ability to flow. Said traits;

Creative people have a great deal of physical energy, but they’re also often quiet and at rest.
Creative people tend to be smart yet naive at the same time.
Creative people combine playfulness and discipline, or responsibility and irresponsibility.
Creative people alternate between imagination and fantasy, and a rooted sense of reality.
Creative people trend to be both extroverted and introverted.
Creative people are humble and proud at the same time.
Creative people, to an extent, escape rigid gender role stereotyping.
Creative people are both rebellious and conservative.
Most creative people are very passionate about their work, yet they can be extremely objective about it as well.
Creative people’s openness and sensitivity often exposes them to suffering and pain, yet also to a great deal of enjoyment.

I first read these, I thought 'WOAH! I just read a portion of my horoscope!' And yes, I do believe in astrology. Then I heard Kris' voice of reason come into my head, saying something to the affect of 'You can make anything you read fit to yourself if you want to.' It is an interesting thing to consider. Did I apply all these characteristics to myself because I want to BELIEVE I possess them, i.e. that I am creative, or do I actually exhibit these qualities?

Basically, what I am getting at is a larger psychological question, one that seems to come up in a number of ways every day for me. And I do not think I am alone. In the midst of all these thought-processes about ideals and tendencies according to generation, I think this must be shared by my generation of peers that were raised to think we could do whatever we want, be whatever we want, accomplish anything. Yes, there are great things about thinking this way. There are also absolutely debilitating things about thinking this way too. I am coming to feel I had better unveil the source of this injection of thought; http://nymag.com/news/features/my-generation-2011-10/.

Pretty freaking interesting to consider. How right are we about ourselves? At any given point, are we on to something, or just falling into the trap of being able to cast ourselves in whatever light we wish?

Something to consider.

My Grandpa

2011-09-29T19:52:00.001-07:00

Homework for 'Blue Heaven,' with Lisa Conlin.

My grandpa was a big, burly kind of guy. I picture him best with his scratchy red and black flannel hat, the kind of hat that looks best when riding a tractor. He had rough, work-worn hands that scared me a little when I was really small. I was just not used to seeing and feeling the kind of hands that took charge of the tough kind of labor he accomplished each day.

As I grew, I not only got used to those rough hands, but I grew to love them. He had a special chair in the living room that was just for him. But that certainly didn't mean he was the only one who got to sit in it. In fact, I suspect that he sat in it after a days work just so I could hop up and sit with him. When I was sad or frustrated about something, he'd always say 'Why, I'm sorry, Erinn.' I would always tell him, 'Grandpa, it's not your fault,' because it wasn't. It never was. He'd always come back with a big grin full of love and a response of 'Well, I'm still sorry.'

It always made me smile because I knew he really meant it, and he had a way of telling me so with a smile on his face. I can still hear him say it, and it still makes me feel better. Especially if I picture him in his flannel hat.

Over-committed, but not Un-inspired . . .

2011-09-10T06:51:00.000-07:00

Here I am sitting on my make-shift porch, having a flash-back to another point in my life. At this point it my life, I was also planning to apply to school, I was learning a new situation, and surrounded by new people. Hmm. It was also right around this time of year. It blows my mind that the time I am referring to was truly three full years ago. I can look back into it like it was yesterday. The same weather, the same kind of feelings . . .

Then here is something to ponder; the role of flux. I have been spending a lot of work and thought time, in the last couple of years, pondering how to keep my life from fluxing so much, thinking that ‘stability is best.’ Yes, this idea about stability might be true. An amount of predictable-ness I am sure provides for even footing and ability to look beyond. That calls into question what is meant by ‘predictable-ness.’ I could present a new word here, and likely just reach the playing-ground that I need to determine the meaning for that word too.

What I think it comes down to is the fact that different concepts play well for different people. Doing the ‘StrengthsFinder’ for work really helped me clue in on the fact that all too many people, including myself, tend to focus on our weaknesses instead of strengths. In my case, in relation to stability, this often men that I have been giving myself shit for not being able to find one full-time job that I want to be in. I think I need to stop giving myself shit and embrace the fact that I thrive when put into many situations in a given time period. I LIKE to work a lot of places, and can organize the ability to do that. That said, I also always need to be cognizant of when I may be pushing that ability too far. On the opposite side, people who use their strengths best when focusing in on just one thing likely need to watch themselves to be sure that they are not stagnating in the face of having no new influences in their lives.

It seems that this process of embracing self is going to be happening for quite some time. In fact, harking back to my story about the co-op lady; it probably never will happen, and anyone who tells you otherwise is full of it. It seems that this will be a life-long process. If you pay any attention to the things you like about others (and you probably should J), you will likely spend your whole life warding off the tendency to try and figure out how to be more like them. It’s certainly a great idea to try and emulate within yourself the things you like about others, it just seems really crucial you are in fact trying to emulate rather than be.

Here is a personal example; I find a lot of strength in always looking forward and planning toward the future. It keeps me, and often the people around me, motivated and excited for the next step. I can capitalize on this strength when put in brainstorming and creative direction roles, which is something I am trying to do more of. I can supplement this strength by asking myself to more often enjoy what is happening to me in the moment. Like right now, there is a small, breeze, the gental hum of a plane overhead, the wiz of an air-conditioning unit, chirping, and a nice grass smell. Noticing all this together is almost overwhelming me, both with the use of so many senses at once, as well as the thought that this kind of observation is available to me at any time, in any place.

So, over-committed but not un-inspired. Seems to be the way that I like my life. Chill with it.

The Road There

2011-08-08T05:14:00.001-07:00

August has come to mean a flutter of artistic activity with a big pause button on the end; Fringe, Rhythmically Speaking, go go go . . . STOP. State Fair. This year will be a little different still. Starting a new job in the midst of this chaos, what was I thinking?

Well, it seems, the more I travel, that the road to clarity is paved with many stopping points that have a purpose of some kind. I know that State Fair is a mental reset, a comfortable stop in which I know the surroundings, and that makes me ready to keep traveling, whether the travels bring me somewhere familiar or somewhere completely new. I can feel that this coming set of travel after State Fair reset is going to be an interesting combination of both familiar and new. Just new enough to make the path lead to clarity.

Now I just have to travel. Sometimes I think my compass is broken, but most well-traveled path-seekers know that a compass is just a guideline and that you are likely to shift slightly from where you first imagined going. But in the end, they often come back out at the trailhead. My trailhead? Dance.

So yes, I am coming to learn, more and more, that the road to clarity is road that we continue to travel, kind of like the road that brings you home after a days work. Now, it is the continued quest to help myself feel comfortable with the idea that I will always have my backpack on, walking stick in hand, looking for the right direction.

Progression

2011-07-30T08:42:00.000-07:00

On my way to it. All the time. I am becoming convinced that this isn't something that stops at any time, it just keeps going. Kind of like non-profit funding; the asking for money never does stop, dad. Unfortunate but true.

In this case, I know it's true, but I'm thinking that it isn't unfortunate. Each experience you take in leads you to another, some times what you expect, and other times what you do not. My mental process surrounding taking this job brought me to the fear of being pressed into one kind of lifestyle. I find it curious what I elect to worry about, as my mother's reminder of 'nothing's permanent' flashes through my head. Yes indeed, nothing is permanent, and each thing helps bring you closer to fuller understanding of the best way you can function.

My progression crossroads seem to have brought me to a for-now conclusion regarding schooling; my masters will either be non-profit admin or dance. After thinking about and researching many other options, I have come to realize that it really is ok to be surface-interested in many, many things. You do not have to have formal training in something to know about it. These realizations were comfortable ones that calmed my brain. I can be interested in public health and neuroscience and nutrition, and not have take on any of them in a formal work scenario. I keep finding, the more I traverse through life, that the things I don't think too much about, but just do because I am drawn to them (because I HAVE to), turn out to be the things I truly want to be doing. Making shows, performing, administrating; these are the things that I continue to find myself doing. No matter how crazy they drive me sometimes, they are what I keep finding myself rotate around. That said, what passion and being driven crazy kind of come together; your passion drives you crazy and your crazy drives you passion.

Back at it; it's nice to accept that maybe I should just keep doing what I am doing, knowing that 'what I am doing' or 'what I want to be doing' is certain subject to change. I may find, in being in this job, one of three things; 1.) I want to make my future in admin - non-profit admin masters, 2.) I want to let my future be embellished, but not driven by admin, choosing dance instead or 3.) That there is a different interest lurking in the background. Obviously, there are a number of other things that could happen, but I selected the most obvious ones. Part of me already has this gut feeling that I will be going back for a dance masters, or sociology or history with an emphasis in dance, but who knows? I guess that is the moral of life story; who knows?

Future 'planning' like this certainly puts into perspective the need to 'plan' more than just my career for where I am headed. I am committed to someone, and that has it's needs in interaction with my career and other choices. I may be a person who loves to work and is career oriented, but I am also a person who loves her friends and family. It's crazy how, like joints and bones, decisions/ choices and people are connected.

So on I traverse. I do hope and plan to put attention into a couple things; I need to think carefully about how my choices will impact me/us financially, as well as in terms of general living, and I certainly hope that the people who are connected to my life think the same way. Man alive, life is complicated. My sense of this grows with each day.

In the midst of these figurings, there are a couple important things to remember;

'It will always look better in the morning,' and 'Give the benefit of the doubt.'

Thank you, mom and grandma!

New Orleans 3: Danced Differences

2011-06-30T07:25:00.000-07:00

I have written from new Orleans about my experiences with difference in people and in city-structure. Now, on to the culture of African and other ethnic dance. I have noticed many interesting things, from pedagogical to personal differences.

I have certainly had a fair amount of exposure to African and other 'ethnic' dance forms in my past, but most of it (outside of DJD) has been scattered, and here and there in terms of frequency. Having a whole lot of this kind of class in a row, the first pedagogical detail I have noticed is how the almost exclusive teaching method is mimicry. This has it's strong-suits, in terms of transferring nuance. It also has it's drawbacks, most of which have to do with picking up detail, or correct execution. Steps are almost never broken down, you just have to pick up what you can from watching. Part of me things this makes me less inhibited because I am less concerned with getting it 'perfect,' but another part of me thinks that if I am going to take this much class, I want to be sure to be learning the steps as they are meant to be executed. A particularly interesting example of this was Roseangela's class (www.silvestretraining.com). I came upon a chance to ask a question about the actual step, which I phrased in terms of what kind of shape we are looking for. She of course came back with the suggestion that we are not looking for shape, but rather what comes out as shape from what has been initiated by a movement pattern, which started in the first place from expressive impulse. I had to coax this out a bit, but that was probably just because she is from Brazil, and speaks pretty excellent English, but needed a little help getting the thought into terms I'd and other students would catch on to.

This was an example of a perfect response to the kind of question I offered. I feel like most African and ethnic styles teachers, in pretty much refusing to give exact shape details, mean to provide the idea that Roseangela did, it just often does not come across due to language or sound barriers (ie really loud drums!). I love the idea that detail can be excess and limiting, it just needs to be communicated in a way that relates to this suggestion to come across. Maybe that is true just for dancers who have had a lot of exposure to the opposite learning method; learn the shapes, then put the expression in. So, access the expression and the shape will come (African and other ethnic forms), or access the shape and the expression will come (Western forms of modern and ballet). Either way, we are dancing and thinking, thinking and dancing, and what a wonderful thing.

Along these same lines, I realize that by breaking less of the movement down, we are actually moving a whole lot more! Most classes have us following along for a warm-up in the center for about 15 minutes, and then the remaining hour and 15 of the class is spent going across the floor, learning by doing rather than talking. While I love talking and symantics, I also love moving, and it has been such a true pleasure to be locomoting pretty much the whole of each class. Maybe it is just a personal preference, but boy do I love not getting stuck in the center!

Another thing I have noticed is that the teachers whose 'training' has been completely situational (ie from being born and raised in the country of origin of the dance) seem to not mirror students when teaching. I say 'training' simply because many of them come from cultures that their experience with dance is not looked at that way. Instead, dance and music are things that everyone does together on a regular basis. That's a pretty awesome way to get to know dance. Anyway; We have been working in a classroom with no mirrors (which is probably best in terms of inhibitions). The teachers often face us, but when they do so, they end up starting on the right and meaning for us to start on the right when it looks to us like they are on the left. This is not a huge deal, and easy to adjust and figure out, but simply something I have noticed. My 'teaching training' has always emphasized the importance of both trying to face the students and also to mirror them (making me do the side opposite of what they are doing, but having it look like the proper side when I am facing them). However, when I think back to my experiences teaching over this last year, I can think of several younger students that would get more confused if I faced them and did the opposite side to look like their side. They more successfully understood when they could mirror me exactly (ie my back to them on the same side). Part of me now wonders that if, when I chose to face them, they'd be more successful if I stayed on the same side as them a looked opposite. I guess we humans have a fair amount of intuition surrounding directional capacity! Long story short, it seems like neither method is better than the other; just different strokes for different folks! A good mantra to remember at all times.

Here is another example of this 'different strokes' idea; start and end time for class. Almost ALL of my classes here (and pretty much any other African class I have taken) start late and end late. While this is frustrating to me as someone who is used to and prefers timeliness, but natural and best for people who are more used to a laid back approach as a part of their culture. And I'd say, in choosing to come to an African and vernacular dance camp, I have chosen to experience things the way these forms usually come; late!

Here is another interesting difference I have noticed; ALL of the teachers are VERY charismatic. Part of this is likely because they are living a life in dance, a life of their passion. Then again, I know many many people who are doing basically that, but very few of them communicate the kind of passion these individuals do through their teaching. Their characters are each so inviting and engaging that it is almost hard to even get tired in the middle of a VERY high energy class! As a teacher, I'd like to aspire to communicate that kind of passion to my students. Not just once awhile, but every class, like these teachers. In this, I have found dissolving my need to take each class the way I am used to (to a mirror, with details broken down, shape-based).

Now, on to the factor that I have not mused upon so lightheartedly; race relations. This is something that has crossed my mind in the past in taking African and other ethnic forms, but not as specifically until now. My first experience with African class was at the U of M. My class had all sorts of people in it, black, white, asian, American indian, etc, though primarily white (as Minnesota is generally). My next big experience was in Calgary. The major cultural factor I noticed there was that I was waltzing into a class that had been together for 15 years. Indeed there were many different races in that class as well, but many white people (again, the grat majority of Calgary is white). ***As a side-note, in talking about these things, I really do hate using color words to describe people. What does white mean anyway? I have a lineage, and it isn't 'white,' or 'caucasian,' its Irish, French and German. What does 'black' mean? Shouldn't it be Libyan, Congolese or maybe Cuban? Anyway.***

Here, I am very often of the minority in class, something I did not really notice until trying to introduce myself, unsuccessfully at that, to several people in my classes. That being said, I have had many people be very friendly, the way I am used to when offering an introduction. I thought at first that this might be a North/ South thing, but in talking to folks around the workshop, have gathered that it may be a white/ black thing. Chris, one of my apartment mates, who happens to be a 60-year-old white woman from Minnesota, has been taking African and related dance forms frequently for many years. She has been to many camps, and knows the scene in Minneapolis/ St. Paul. We got to talking, and she really does feel that there is often this harbored (or sometimes not) sense of racial tension in many of these classes. More frankly, this feeling that a white person taking African class is just, again, trying to take something that is not theirs. I have had the sense here and there that there are folks that are wondering what I am doing here. On the flip side, I have talked to many people who think its awesome that I am expanding my dance horizons and care so much to learn about their fascinating culture.

This topic could be a thesis in itself. However, the more I think about it and experience it, the more I come to a pretty simple conclusion; in any situation, in any place, there are both good people and bad people. All we can do is focus our energy on falling into the first category, and aligning ourselves with folks who do the same. I clued in on that idea shortly after having a negative introduction experience with one particular individual on the first day. After having that experience, thinking about this topic, and choosing to fall into category one, I have had almost nothing but fun, enjoyment, and genuine connection with those who do the same.

What a great, dancing microcosm of the world. Boy, am I glad I am here!!!

New Orleans 2: Cultural Differences

2011-06-30T06:57:00.000-07:00

Back to the keys after a little more time. Yesterdays post was a little disjointed, due to being interrupted with grant news. An interruption I'll always be happy to take! Hopefully now I come back with a bit more of a gathered focus.

In this post, I'll muse about some more about cultural differences, particularly where the city itself is concerned. As far as the city, the first big thing I can say is that when I look around, I find it difficult to believe that most of the buildings down here, like anywhere else in the metropolitan U.S., are equipped with internet, and that we are in fact in 2011. The presence of history here is quite literal, and I wonder if that is part of what makes race relations so fragile. You look around and there is constant reminder of history. Then again, I think this is relatively true most places, but maybe not to the extent so clear that it is here. Gaggling at the old buildings makes you look at them closely, and while you do that, you realize that some are kept in excellent shape and therefore still majestic, and some are left to fall into ruins. This at first seems like a matter of carelessness, until you realize that the level of upkeep often corresponds to the economy of the neighborhood. Again, things are fragile here, and in talking to people, it seems that it is even more so after the hurricane; that any progress that might have been made in certain parts of the city was just whipped away. The feeling is that it will take another how many years to build back up that progress.

The living history of the city does seriously intrigue me, to the level of wondering what it would be like to be a resident and actually have time to be a part of the culture. I'll note that this feeling is gathered from my short amount of time out, because as I'll remind you, I am here to dance; I have been using my day time for 6-7.5 hours of class and breaks for meals and recuperating to go back to class! But I am indeed intrigued. Maybe it is because I have an amount of natural wanderlust. Maybe it is because I am noticing something that I think I can have a hand in changing, and I am a glutton for social punishment. Who knows exactly what it is. It could also simply be that when I am somewhere new, I want to get a pretty good idea of how the city lays, where things are, where to do what, so that I feel like I have an understanding of where I have spent my time. Then in comes a reminder that I will provide to myself; you cannot do everything all of the time. I came here to dance, and I should probably do myself a favor and focus on doing that and building relationships around that. It seems that sometimes, my tendency to want to do everything gets in the way of doing anything to my best. Am I seeing a pattern? 'I am stick of doing 9 or 10 things at 65% when I could do 4 or 5 things at 100%.' Have I not been repeating that over and over lately?

Getting off topic. Back on; It seems that I'll just have to keep getting out to explore as much as I can, however it might happen. In the course of my explorations, I have also come across some cultural differences that are not intriguing. As a Twin Citian, I am fortunate to be used to very cleanly public surroundings. Not the case here. I am also used to pretty easy access to well-organized information. I have been very surprised here at the lack of public information, and what I can find is not well organized, incomplete, or not very well presented (many of the websites down here look like they have not gone through an update since 2000!). This suggestion will probably come as no shock to anyone who has spent a fair amount of time in the South (maybe I am generalizing, who knows); Sometimes it feels laid back here, to a fault. I will be the first to admit that I think Midwesterners, including myself, can often be too uptight. However, that tendency certainly serves it's purpose. This laid back feeling here has manifested itself primarily through timeliness. We in the Midwest are pretty well on time. Here, everything starts late and goes late.

That's enough about the city as a whole. I guess I can sum it up by saying that I'd need more time here (like most places in the world). Damn that curiousity!

New Orleans

2011-06-29T08:41:00.000-07:00

This hour I had has quickly disappeared into a half hour. Amazing what good news can do! My call to MRAC this morning left me hyperventilting, on the verge of tears, screaming, and just plain excited. $10,000 for next year's Rhythmically Speaking production. Woah! Now, on to the bulk of my thoughts.

I have been surrounded by a big pile of cultural differences upon my arrival to New Orleans. The plane flights were pretty standard, but I realize that it likely due to the fact that I was sitting next to Midwesterners the whole time. I think we get fooled sometimes into thinking that the whole of our country is pretty similar. I am finding that to be less and less true the more I get around as an adult. Sure, I have been to most of the states in our union, but many of those visits (most, I'd say) happened when I was much younger and not responsible for as many things. I did not notice interactions with transportation staff, waiters and passersby nearly as much as I notice them now. I wonder what I would have thought had I noticed . . .

My experience in the deep south (New Orleans, Louisiana in specific), so far has been an incredibly mixed bag. I have had some kind, friendly and helpful people who have held doors, given directions and provided smiles. I have also had an angry streetcar driver, a testy class participant and a sometimes general feeling of displacement, both out and about and in class. In my mind, a number of factors contribute to my perceiving this place the way I have and me being perceived the way I have. I am not suggesting that I am a sociologist of historian or any other ian/igist that could diagnose why this land lays the way it does, but I am certainly entitled to gathering my own thoughts.

Cultural differences. Both in situational and dance interactions. I'll start with situational. The biggest thing that sticks out to me in bad situational interactions is the idea of tourism. I feel like about half of the time, I am received negatively if I give any inkling that I am not from here. I do not find myself in the wrong for asking people sitting at a bus stop where the bus they are waiting for will go. I also do not find it in the wrong to inquire with the streetcar driver about how to get where I am going, particularly after I had already tried on my own, several times before coming and several times after, to figure out online the transit system, only to fail. That falls under the other cultural differences I have noticed (to come later in the post). I was appalled at how our streetcar driver treated us. He stopped the streetcar in the middle of the tracks to come back and scold us for not asking for transfers right away when we boarded. Had he made himself seem more receptive to questions when we boarded, I may have thought to ask about that. I know that the job can probably be pretty grueling, but that does not provide free license to mistreat people as an outlet. Part of me really wanted to exit the front as we were leaving and get his badge number to complain, but it probably was best to follow my fellow Minnesotan Chris and Titos, the Congolese teacher, out the back of the train.

This and a couple of other interactions I have had have been frustrating in the fact that tourism is a big part of New Orleans economy. Service providers mistreating people who are visiting will not help them do well for this sector. The bad interactions have highly soured (but not duped) the good ones. I (and most people) have an experience or two working in a job that they do not like, but particularly in customer service, it does everyone including yourself better to be friendly while you are at it. It is sometimes easier said than done, but you always come out better for it.

Artist-Acquired Skills and Abilities

2011-05-29T11:45:00.000-07:00

Yes. Not 'Hidden Skills,' not 'Invisible Skills,' as I have been describing to my loved-ones around me. Time to start getting game on talking about this stuff. The not only legitimate, but unique and needed skill sets that artists seem to cultivate.

Let me get specific; what I have cultivated;

- Contract Negotiation

- Management: Front of House, Stage, Event

- Programming: Imagining, developing and seeing into successful fruition original programs

- Internal and External Communication Flow Management

- Project Management: Creation and management of objectives, timelines, staff and evaluation

- Scheduling: Managing multiple lines of schedule effectively for both individuals and groups

- Booking: Managing initial contact, booking, gathering of detail and follow-up of multiple groups in multiple spaces

- Spokesmanship

- Public Relations Strategy

- Financial Management: Developing and managing project and operational budgets

These are just 'things I do.' Many more already accomplished, and many more soon to come. Just working to get it all into terms that translate!

A Good Reminder

2011-05-06T10:47:00.001-07:00

The following is a good reminder that we are always fortunate;

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts you have received, and pass on the love that has been given you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."

So that's all, folks. Sing, praise and love, but most of all, DANCE!!!

Difficult Things

2011-05-05T06:06:00.000-07:00

Obviously, they strike harder when coming in by surprise. I had been so desperate to get out of my current support job that I didn't realize how much it would affect me to actually leave. The people of St. John's Hospital in Maplewood, MN are truly amazing. The job itself I will not miss; being a barista is not my life's work. But I WILL miss the people. Dearly.

Again in needing to find the best balance. Need to call Deb. Part of the downtrodden energy is the feeling that I am headed into something that is even less of a good fit. I need a good fit for the support job to last. If I could make the same amount there that I would serving, I'd stay in a heartbeat.

Flux flux flux. Nothing is perfect. It's like a puzzle missing a piece; I think it got sucked up by the vacuum.

Someone Talked About Writing

2011-04-29T06:22:00.000-07:00

A shopping bag of mixed feelings. If I were putting together a recipe of some kind, I'd be an Italian-style pad-Thai with Belgian chocolate infusions. Yep. I am really excited to get to 'be an artist' this weekend and next week, but another part of me has been eaten up by job 'troubles,' ie feeling like the perfect scenario just won't come, and in being disappointed with what I am doing. Now that I have physically expressed that, I am ashamed to even have been thinking it. I KNOW that what I am doing is awesome and amazing, yet somehow it does not stop me from comparing myself. I don't think this is a 'just me' sort of thing, I think it is a human thing, but that does not put a wrench in how inevitably un-helpful and and pointless it is. Yet, we do it. Why? Shouldn't your best standard of comparison be your own dreams?

I think I am realizing that a part of this is that I may be letting the dreams of others stand in where I would put my own. I have a lot of things that interest me and I am ultimately very excited about the world, but I am not sure I have a good definition of some precise or even ballpark dreams. My wide array of interests and desires always keeps me from focusing in. Now, I know I am capable of going the exact opposite way and charting an exact, by-the-year pathway of what I am going to do and how I am going to do it (yes been there, done that), but I know now that doesn't work either. It is the extreme opposite end.

I think there must be a great deal of skill in knowing your achievable (yet still shooting-high) dreams and encouraging their development while letting the rest take care of itself. That is where the grey area is; up to what point can you encourage development before you are an obsessed meddler who cannot enjoy their own life? I think this also begs questions of 'what is enjoy?' I think a lot of people see enjoyment as 'free time,' or time away from what they are doing on a regular basis. I do not want my enjoyment to be 'time away.' What I enjoy most is usually related to my overall goals. But here; because these goals are 'serious,' is it then harder to release into plain enjoyment? Who knows.

I know a perfect balance won't just show up when you snap your fingers. In fact, it will never show up. That's the thing. This idea of perfection. This thought certainly isn't new (which ones are?), but just a reminder to myself and anyone else who may find it valuable that perfection is non-existent, and that it not sad, it's awesome. It keeps us striving for more. Yet, in order for that awesomeness to accepted, I think it needs to come along with a certain amount of ability to be content.

What I really cannot figure out is why what people around me are doing seems ok or even awesome to me when I am doing similar or even more, yet for me it's not enough? Maybe I see what they are doing as enough because they are content with where they are, and that really does come across. I want that contentment. What brings this contentment to the lives of my friends? Do they KNOW that they are doing everything that can to get to where they want, and are comfortable with letting progress happen as it does, are they hiding that they are not completely content? I cannot figure this out.

It seems that I am afraid that if I allow in contentment, I also allow in room for slowing down or stagnating. Maybe so. But how worth it is it really to barrel forward if you cannot enjoy what you accomplish along the way?

I feel like a write an iteration of this same post every three or four months. I just keep coming back to this. A good reminder that some stances do not figure themselves out over the course of a couple months?

I think a good place to leave this is that my awareness of the tendencies discussed above is a good place to start. General concept of psychology? Maybe. True and probably helpful? Yes.

2011-04-25T05:48:00.000-07:00

"You Can't get caught in the 'web of words.'"

Harvard Center for Brain Research

http://thebeautifulbrain.com/2011/04/gallery-elizabeth-jameson-spring-2011/

Where Goed March?

2011-04-17T18:55:00.000-07:00

Wow, it has been quite some time since this blog has past a whole month with no post. Well, I could probably check my logic on that, as it IS public record. Maybe it just feels that way, as I do hate to go too long without pouring some word out onto page.

I have been pretty dippy trippy lately. Things that I 'should not take personal' are affecting me so. But what exactly is it about job rejection and misunderstood ambition that ISN'T personal? I have always thought that the phrase is somewhat of a misnomer. If something negative comes down to you as a result of a way you have acted or your qualifications or really anything else driven directly by a quality you possess, of course it is personal.

While this may sound negative, I certainly do not mean it so. After the initial shock of something negative, resilient people like myself (or at least I think I am or am trying to convince myself so) use this personal feeling as extra motivation to bounce back. A jumping off pad for improvement. For me, I think the most difficult thing about an idea like that is the need to accept that improvement does not happen overnight. I have never been among the most patient of people, and that is most difficult when it comes to trying to improv life trajectory. I have a tendency to identify what I think I need to improve and how I think I can do it, but that process is often lengthier than I'd wish it. Here is simply another chapter in my seemingly never-ending ode to developing patience.

I am often envious of my friends who enjoy going with the flow. I do have to say that I sometimes hope they are envious of my organizational abilities. I suppose this is why people build relationships - to learn from one another's best qualities.

I'm not sure exactly where this is headed, but by does it feel good to be getting some words ie brain-reel out. I had a lovely birthday, one that passed by too quickly due to my own obligations and those of the others with whom I was celebrating. Another one passed by with a lot of pomp, but still the feeling that there was not enough time. There never is. I am not sure if this is sad or a profound reason to be as aware and involved as possible in moments as they take place. I'll go with number two. Because I have that choice.

This has always been hard for me to embrace, mostly out of the worry that I'll stop trying to better myself. I realize this is ridiculous; I am not capable of that, and that's even more clear when I write it down. So why worry? The answer is because I am good at it, and practiced :)

So my birthday horoscope told me; This year grows a new and more confident you. A financial boost will improve many parts of your life. Professional goals will lead you far from your comfort zone. You'll become masterful at a very difficult task because you keep practicing. A special relationship brings blissful times. Cancer and Leo people are your enthusiastic supporters. Your lucky numbers are: 5, 19, 33, 28 and 1.

"New and more confident" - minimize the worrying? "Financial boost" - long-time coming. But this is where the worry comes in; I don't like resting on my laurels because my horoscope said my financial situation would better itself. Those kind of things never better themselves on their own. They require action by you. The trick now is to minimize any time spent on worry and focus it in on doing everything within my reach and time to better the situation, while enjoying my current goings-on. "Professional goals far from comfort zone" - I'd say this must speak to my desire to bone up on my business skills that are lacking, particularly in the financial area. AHH! NUMBERS!!! Out of the comfort zone for sure. "Masterful at a difficult task" - again, business financial skills? Or who knows? I'd love to pick up a new skill or get better at an old one. I have been dying to be in technically challenging dance classes on a more regular basis, and that includes ballet. "Blissful times" - excellent. This area of the world is awesome already, so bring on the bliss!

So, where goed March? Where goed my birthday? Things pass when you are busy worrying about what's next. Keep looping that reminder, Erinn.

Seeking Alignment; It's a Constant Process

2011-02-25T05:54:00.000-08:00

Patterns of figuring take so much time, especially when you feel like you are in them all the time. To a certain extent, you usually are, whether it be in friendship, romance, work, hobbies, finances or fitness. When you think about it, it seems rare that all of these things (or any other major players in time and presence use) line up the ideal way for any given person. Kind of like the analogy of how the stars align; for those glorious moments, everything is in synch, only for those starts to continue rotating. This seems like a good way to come to terms with how life operates (astrology anyone? :)

That being said, it seems key to realize that perfect alignment of all components is in fact rare. While that does not mean that we shouldn't strive for perfect alignment (what, am I teaching a dance class now?), it does mean that it is normal for some amount of shifting to be nearly constant, and not a cause for alarm. I often see it this way; shouldn't I be alarmed if not every single piece of my life is aligned the best way possible? It's seeming more and more like the answer is no. I think I have known deep down that aligning everything in life is a constant process. However, need for a modicum of stability coupled with high expectations has left me trying so hard to force this perfect alignment constantly that it has become difficult for me to enjoy experiences while they are happening. With dancing as a singular exception to this state, I seem to always be looking out for the next thing to better myself.

When I say it this way, it seems perfectly reasonable. Maybe what I need to do is let learning how to enjoy the moment or the task at hand BE at way to better myself.

Proper alignment, here I come . . .

Just don't be surprised if I remain off-kilter here and there. That's what plies are for; to set you up to keep dancin'!

It Costs More Than You Think

2011-02-21T07:10:00.000-08:00

Wow, two posts in a row about financial woes.

This text isn't meant to come out as complaint, as I have made a series of conscious choices to be where I am, but simply observations.

Life costs a lot more than one realizes from the offset. I know this isn't news to anyone other than me, rather, it is probably a milestone of adult thought process that all people experience at some point, but it is just hitting me now. Thus, I talk on it.

Snow tires, car repairs, technology replacements, taxes, etc. All the hidden expenses that do not glare out at you when making what you think is a workable budget. Now, I have always been a good saver when the option is there. But when it is not, boy do those hidden costs seem worse. In addition, it always feels like savings are not for those emergency sort of expenses, they are for far loftier things, such as the purchase of a house, travel, or contributing to a retirement account.

This sounds like all the stuffy shit I looked upon as ball and chain for so long, now only to realize that they are truisms that are so because of general common sense. Of course you are going to want a more spacious, permanent living space at some point. This is not a sign of giving up adventure, but more a sign of thanking yourself for putting down roots and cultivating the place where you happen to be. If the choice is to embark to create a different kind of good, that is excellent too, but is probably less often accompanied with a feeling of wanting physical permanence. But I digress.

Of the above- listed things the most important/scary (and therefore formerly most stuffy) is the retirement plan. Why on earth would I want to spend any time thinking about being done with my lifes work when I feel like I have barely begun? I was going to say that I cannot even imagine, yet I can (it's relatively easy) what it would be like to have had a steady, single job for the whole time I have been graduated from college. If that were the case, I am sure that these thought may have crossed my mind more often. Or maybe not. Maybe having those sorts of thoughts would be worth exchanging flexibility and variety in favor of stability. I may even be able to cut out the 'variety' idea, as no job I would imagine myself in would be monotonous. I would not allow it to be so. That is likely why my 'income accessorization' job is driving me nuts. Monotony.

Is it possible for me to have thoughts with out having to write them down? I digress. AGAIN. Back to retirement plans. I read a story in the Saturday Wall Street Journal about how a lot of boomer's retirement plans are coming up less than they expected. Now, I know this is much more complicated than I (or probably most people, which is part of the problem) can understand, but it doesn't stop me from being FREAKING WORRIED about how the hell me and people my age are going to manage when we don't get social security. What the hell!!? It angers me so much to be paying into a system that will not end up benefitting me. I'd be happy to be completely responsible for handling retirement savings myself if I could use the money I am now paying into social security in any way I wish. Then, I'd actually have a sum to put away in my Roth IRA that I responsibly created for myself. But instead, I am putting it all into broken system that won't do SHIT for me. And what can I do about it?

I suppose I could write a letter to my congressmen. I am a true believer in being an engaged citizen, but when lobbying groups that rely on corporate donations have so much standing, what does my little letter do? I'd be happy to support any lobbying group that would work on this cause, but without money or time to donate, just an opinion, what good can I do them?

This is the kind of issue that one can spiral around for many, many hours. I feel like I had better put an end to it because I am not sure it can go anywhere immediately productive. The end for now.

My Version of Indulgence

2011-02-08T16:05:00.000-08:00

To be able to afford speciality foods, music, dance and yoga classes,

Training trips, a new phone should I see it fit,

General travel, to buy a bottle of wine or two a week, to be able to go out to dinner,

to be able to contribute to organizations I admire, to maybe even have the time to volunteer,

to be able to fix my car when it needs fixing and to buy a new one if it breaks

Community of Individuals?

2011-02-08T07:11:00.000-08:00

Twisty brain.

Is it good to encourage a community of individuals? I suppose that sounds silly to say without a little context. Yes, of course it is a good thing . . . right?

The doubt comes in when considering big picture. In a community of individuals with no common goal, where do we go?

This is the topic that has been rolling around in my brain, looking for a means to an end, when it comes to my thoughts about how I would like to act as a community organizer for those interested in rhythm and jazz dancing in the Twin Cities. Right now, all the opportunities I can think of will encourage a community of individuals. Let me re-phrase, community of individuals may not be the best way to describe this. What I mean is that it will encourage the development of piece by piece, project by project lifestyle for artists in this medium, and that is exactly what is frustrating me personally these days. I guess if one is not in search of some stability like me, than it wouldn't be as frustrating a lifestyle to live.

But there is imbalance in that statement, too. I say I seek stability, but I do not want to give over the flexibility I currently hold. I can pretty much arrange things to have any day I want free. But what good is that if I cannot finance the kind of activities I want to partake in with that time? It is a balance, much like anything else, it seems.

STability v. FLEXability (sp indeed). What is more valuable? The answer to that question is personal, and different for every person. So what is my answer? How come I cannot just sit down, think about it for a half hour, and solve it like Blues Clues?

Probably because my life is not scripted, like that of Blue the Dog. Disappointing? Awesome? Not entirely sure.

I clearly do not mind working 40 hours a week. I'd just like it to be intelligently flexible. Like me. So I am working toward creating that But I digress.

Maybe I need to find out how people dig their lifestyle as an artist. I want to know if they LIKE being a person who wears five hats, or if not, which hats they would trade in in favor of wearing one that is a little bit bigger than the rest. Or even, gasp, JUST ONE HAT! I cannot even imagine what that kind of mental clarity feels like. It would be really amazing to be able to serve just one purpose. But let's face it; working in non-profit, even in established non-profit, everyone has multiple hats to wear.

So the question; Is it ok to continue encouraging artists to take project by project opportunity, or should our (Rhythmically Speaking's) mission be to work toward supporting artists in a way that allows them to focus on one thing? The more I think about it, the more this seems like I want to be a granting panel or something. I suppose that there are opportunities out there for funding individual artists, they are just so few and far between . . .

Man oh man, there just seems to be no perfect answer to this query. I guess all I can do is ask the people where they see themselves going in the community, and then try to cater to it.

So, where am I going, Dave Matthews? If only I could write a dance about it and get hired to play a bunch of festivals all summer . . .

Keep It Simple

2011-02-02T12:41:00.000-08:00

Indeed, simple I'd like to keep it. It's the motto in my mug. It should be the motto ON my mug too. Another one; 'Focus on the task at hand.' These wiseties are thrown up by people around me who I respect and admire, so taking to these suggestions really does seem like a good idea. So why then, is it so hard?

God-damnit, I am interested in a lot of things. Too many things. Many people say this is good – healthy curiousity, many options. I think this is BAD because I am not interested in any of them enough. Not ANY of them but dance. Jazz and rhythm, and trying to get better at everything that falls into that. And helping everyone else interested in everything that falls into that get better too. Both locating and creating opportunities, taking advantage of them while passing them on. Not being hampered by finance so much that I cannot pursue the kind of training I want to pursue. Wishing that someone would pay for it (ie find me valuable enough to put on a company that will allow me to experience these things). DAMNIT. DJD is the dancing place for me. It could have been the lif-ing place for me. But could haves in the face of reality barriers are pointless. This idea also falls into the ever-larger growing category of 'easier said than done.'

So what can I do with where I am at, what I am good at, what I have access to (apparently I can end sentences in prepositions, so there is a start)? I have realized that I first have to kick back to what I WANT to do, no matter how crazy it might be. So I started a list. A kind different from the usual ones; one that has honesty. I think a lot of the time, my lists are more about what I SHOULD think than what I really do, out of an effort to organize things and keep them simple. The great reality of this is that I'd keep it much more simple if I were just honest with myself about what I want, AFTER that infusing proper amounts of realism to help see myself to some success.

I want to create connections between people who are doing things. I want to do things, but not at the scale on a specific thing that many people want to - 'I want to be a choreographer,' 'I want to run a school,' etc. I want to do all of these things. Just none of them ONLY. How can I help people be where they need to be to get what the want and at the same time get a little piece of it for myself? How does it work to want to do a little bit of a lot of things? I do suppose some 'things' have come to the forefront of my mind as things I want to do more often; serve people, plan and execute events. The two ways to do these things that have had the come to the front of my mind are Rhythmically Speaking and a production company.

The production company would serve the needs of dance performers and choreographers to use their craft as often as possible for acceptable pay while bringing artistic entertainment to audiences that as for it. It would serve audiences that ask for it by providing them artistic entertainment that would elevate their events to new levels of excitement and completeness. I think I could really make something happen here, because I am not trying to serve an audience that is hard to identify. This audience is easily identifiable; corporate events, restaurants. The hard part is getting in touch with them and proving that we are what they are looking for. Additionally, I could make something happen because the first part is ALL to easy; getting together dancers and choreographers looking to share their talents for money. No sweat, no problem. Hell, I could even get groups on this list, groups like Collective (Hip-hop), Duniya and Voice of Culture (African), etc. They are all pursuing and finding corporate gigs, though I guess I am not sure how much they'd want to give a cut to someone when they can find them themselves. But the convenience of someone else doing it sure would be nice! There are people doing this; Universal Dance Destiny does this, but it seems like a lock-down that would not be smart to approach with a 'can I informational interview you (so I can copy what you do)?' I'll straighten that up. I plan to copy no one, but I guess I will be entering into a market that others will not want to share. How would I do it successfully?

Wow, that paragraph above makes it pretty clear that a production company might be a viable way to streamline my interests. I did mention that there are two ways; the other way is Rhythmically Speaking. I KNOW we are on to something here too, but I have a whole chunk of worries that come along with this, the first being; by providing opportunities for a hand-full of choreographers at a time, are we perpetuating the culture of a city that for so many is project by project, with no stability? I have been thinking a whole lot lately about the structure of the dance community in the Twin Cities, and how I'd best fit into it. I have thought for awhile now that it is pretty awesome that you have to be many things to get by; a teacher, a performer, a choreographer, an administrator, etc. For many people who have just one of those things as a focus (other than teacher, of course), this has been a frustration. It has excited me because I love to wear many different hats. While this is great for me, it also provides a problem. Relating back to an earlier statement; 'God-damnit, I am interested in too many things.' The problem that lies here is the fact that the many interests really seem to be keeping me from defined goals. While it is great to do a lot of things, if these lot of things do not add up to some larger impact, what is the point?

I am incredible at juggling a lot of things at once. I am terrible at seeing how they all fit into the bigger picture. Being able to see both small and large perspectives must be what is necessary to be a really effective person. And I want to be that. So I am faced with the need to make all the little chunks fit together into a nice picture.

Back to Rhythmically Speaking; I am concerned because our mission feels too large to be effective. Maybe I just need to spend some time brainstorming. I really want our efforts to be focused in a way that impacts a lot of people in a good way. I am worried that right now, we are doing what WE want to do and not focusing in on offering what OTHERS need. I do not think this is out of selfishness, it really is out of genuine desire. The problem develops when you assume that what you want is what others want to. Maybe this is a larger issue with art in general. Art is a wonderful way for self-therapy, but then why try to get it funded? If it is created really as a way to serve yourself, you have served the mission of that project and it should be done. It seems like the brick wall that the marching band keeps trying to walk through forms itself when a visionary continually insists on trying to fund and execute programming that people do not need or want. But how do you find out what they want? Really? How?

I want to find out what people want and use that to plan programs, because I have no doubt that others and myself have a lot of things in common. But how do I find out what they want? I should probably talk to Zoe, a move that I have already initiated. She probably has some great ideas on finding out what people want. There is always the 'audience survey,' but that is just show specific, and those people are already in the seats. I think what I am trying to say is that we need market research on 'people interested in jazz and rhythm-based dance.' How would we do this? How would we afford this? AHH! Maybe one way is to create survey that go out to our 'stakeholders;' one for participants (choreographers, dancers and educators) and another for audiences (viewers and students?). We can ask them what sort of opportunities they are looking for in order to help bolster their careers/ see and support the kind of dance they enjoy. This survey could go out through our newsletter. Do we need an incentive? I sure do not want to offer a reduced ticket price!

In short, I want to find out what people want, see if it matches with what we want to do, then offer it. This could be any number of things; the yearly showcase, quarterly showcases, touring program (allows these people's work to be seen by more people, they can then pick up on having that artist out for their own show), residency programs (to spread this kind of training to people who would not have had it otherwise), community forums. A larger purpose beyond where the mission is now; fostering an appreciation of jazz and rhythm-based dance forms. If we can do that, people will demand support for and opportunities for seeing this kind of work, and it becomes a perpetuating cycle. Here is another thing; partnering with Jazz88 to offer jazz dance residencies at North that go with their radio programming. Maybe I can even pitch a weekly or bi-weekly half-hour radio program that focuses on the intersection of this kind of music and dance? History, happenings, theory, etc. What a way this would be to continue growing shared interest among musicians and dancers. Programs that collaborate with folk-dance centers? Tapestry classes or at least announcements?

The juices is flowing. Another thought that occurred to me; I cannot make into full-time choreographers people who do not want to be full-time choreographers. I probably wouldn't want that myself (ok, if faced with an opportunity to choreograph full time in the proper setting for more money than I take in now, there is no way I'd say no, but that certainly would not happen without a lot of work, and that is not the direction in which I want to put my work). All we can do is try to figure out what people want, and then support that. Maybe helping people who want to choreograph in the form here and there IS what is needed; to keep a consistent flow of these kind of performance and viewing opportunities, a consistent presence. That certainly would help dispell the 'jazz is dead' bullshit. Alive and kickin, every season! Making the creation of choreography easier for people who are also passionate about educating (or whatever else it is they do? Hell, it could be accounting during the day, with a firey need to also create here and there. That is their perogitive). I just really want to be sure that we are doing what people want.

Another thought; I don't know that our time is best spent looking up information in one place and typing it into another place, like monkeys (ie keeping the events and show section on the site up to date). Our time in that arena would be best spent keeping an updated 'resource' links section, and instructing people to check out the sites of those that look interesting to find out more about what they are offering. All of these people are constantly updating their sites. If we are a support organization, why not send traffic to their sites and save ourselves some precious time to do other things? Keeping 'Resources' and 'Classes' up to date would be great, then using the newsletter as a way to highlight a couple of community happenings, referencing the 'Resources' tab as a way to find out more. Yes. Done.

Feeling the need to go forth and make things happen, and accepting it out of realization that these things cannot be sorted out completely in one bout of typing; it will take many bouts of typing. Good thing I like to write.

Listening to Part 3

2011-01-20T08:20:00.000-08:00

The following is an email I recently sent to the composer I am working with on a new music and dance project, the first section (out of five) of which is being performed at the Kinetic Kitchen at Patrick's Cabaret Feb 11 and 12, as well as at Renovate: A Choreographer's Evening, at the Ritz March 4-6. The piece is coined Railing Forward, and is a work-in-progress collaboration exploring how developments in locomotion and communication technologies have affected people’s interactions with one another, particularly where ideas of emotion, efficiency and dependence are concerned.

"In listening, I got really excited because I feel like what we are considering is really drawing a parallel to my personal life and hitting me close to home. This Fall and Winter have been an experiment in me trying to obtain the best understanding possible of how I should delegate importance to time and money (ie resource), and how it therein affects my relationships (communication). This was all initiated by one of the most important people in my life, Kris, who observed that my break-neck pace in life often tends to affect how I communicate and interact with people. It turned out that, unintentionally and unbeknownst to me, I more often than not have favored being abrupt in the interest of saving time, rather than letting situations and communications unfold, in the time they need, in to what they should be. This has become a constant thought in my mind and driver of my goals - to let everything take the timing it needs to be what it should. I even ended up writing one of my New Years Resolutions to feature this idea that I hold so dear. These are my 2011 resolutions;

Strive/ ENJOY/ Reflect

Flexibility/ Planning

Groundedness/ Change

Live the way you desire

'Flexibility/ Planning' and 'Live the way you desire' really speak to what we are addressing, which seems to be boiling down for me, in light of my personal explorations, as the always-being-perfected balances between living how you want to and how you should, between planning and flexibility, between quality and speed. In other words (and I think I run the risk of sounding like a self-help book here, but aw well, its true), figuring out the most efficient way to run your own life. When it comes down to it, efficiency is an important concept within anything; personal life, running a factory, transport, communication, etc. Efficient as defined bydictionary.com is; "performing or functioning in the best possible manner with the least waste of time and effort; having and using requisite knowledge, skill, and industry; competent;capable: a reliable, efficient secretary." When looked at bare-bones, efficiency really is what people are striving for.

Issues begin forming when that quest for efficiency starts affecting the quality presented, in any scenario. Note that the definition included 'in the best possible manner.' It seems that issues arise when people overlook 'best possible manner' in favor of more 'the least waste of time and effort.' This is where the unending quest for balance begins, and why we ended up coming down on wanting to present +'s and -'s of each idea.

Wow. That was a serious tangent. I just wanted to share with you how deeply this project is affecting me as I work toward a conscious balance between 'best possible manner' and 'least waste of time and effort.' :) Feel free to weigh in!"

Denver Evokes Things

2011-01-15T07:00:00.001-08:00

Today is my last day in Denver. This is not monumental, seeing as though we have only been here since Monday. It is important, however, as this trip has marked a thought one in number, yet relatively major in importance; I feel like I have been here for several weeks, and I really think this is owed to the fact that time has been approached as coming and going as it will, or needs to. It is so rare for me to offer a situation the amount of time it really needs, usually being approached with the idea of efficiency rather than fullness. With so many things on my plate at once, I assume I will be more successful when fitting as much into a time period as possible, and as I gain more life experience, this seems to be proving less and less true.

I'll zero in on our trip to the original Chipotle (which was indeed a 'needs-its-time' adventure in itself) with Colin. Colin is just on the tail-end of a bad break-up, and has been coping in part by reading motivational books. Now, labeling them this way might make them sound corny, but that seems to be a conclusion of immediacy that people who are uncomfortable delving into their own psyche's might say - let it in! He is reading a book called 'The Art of Power,' in which the main principle is basically that if you are present in the moment, fear, anger, poorness and a myriad of other difficulties cannot get in the way of your power to own yourself and your actions. I am really excited to read this book, and almost feel like I am offering up a book review of something I haven't even read yet. Point being, that conversation with Colin was one of the highlights of my trip, because it put into quick focus what this trip has helped me on the way to realizing.

From the get-go, our approach to this trip has been to plan the minimal details; plane tickets, where we are staying what night, and that was frankly, about it. We tossed some ideas around about what we might like to do, but kept it at that. Honestly, I think a lot of this was due to the fact that Kris and I both were really busy up until the point of leaving :) but I really do think that a lot of it was conscious. I am realizing with every new 'skip outta town' that I am one who encapsulates. It is easier for me to 'live in the moment' when I create a packaged amount of time in which to do so. Festivals, road trips, vacations, etc. These are the times that I let myself be blown around by the wind.

That being said, I do think I am making progress on letting that kind of whimsy, sense of time and desire to let moments unfold at the pace they will enter into my 'normal' life, too. It of course takes realization of something in order to formulate thoughts regarding anything, and it has taken me realizing that this is an issue worth exploring in order to do something about it. I will refer to one of my New Year's resolutions; 'Live the Way You Desire.' This resolution was inspired by Kim McAndrews, a close friend who can often seem flaky, but is actually quite wise. She never does anything that she does not want to do. Well, within reason - I should not place the caveat 'never,' because this is within reason. There may be little tasks at a job she does not want to do, but because she wants to do the job overall, she will suck it up and complete the tasks. Again, this is within reason. In general, she is a great example of someone who let's time take it's course as she enjoys the things she choses to do. She does not hang out with people she does not want to hang out with, she does not return calls she does not want to return, and I think, in general, that she is much better for it! Now, I am not sure I will go to that kind of extreme (I will likely always return ALL telephone calls and emails), but I can certainly take a leaf out of her book.

I think I did so on this trip. We had ideas but not plans, made decisions as they needed to be made (and therein were likely more accurate), and enjoyed our actions as they were warranted to happen. We didn't make it skiing, but because I had not made an edict that we would, I am honestly not disappointed. There were a couple of other things that I wish we would have had MORE time for (hot springs, hiking at Red Rocks Amphitheater and Park), but the amount of time they had was a result of listening to our choices, and not trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole. We experienced within the resources of time and money that we had (energy did not seem to be a problem!) and everything we did really seemed fuller as a result.

While hiking did get less time that I may have initially wished, you know what we did do? We got to play with Larry and Lynette's kids a whole lot, and ended up getting to see Colin a couple times, which is something I didn't even realize might have happened. Before actually arriving, I did not realize how much I really would want to have low-key time to enjoy with the kids. I of course knew that this trip was largely a result of wanting to visit friends and family (it also came about because it was good timing, affordable, and Kris and I had never had a long, flight-necessary trip together and thought it was about time after three years!), but it took me actually being here to know how important it would be to spend quality time with our people, and I have absolutely no regrets regarding how we decided to spend our time.

I started to think that the next thing to reference would be the ability to be flexible, but I really do not think that is how this trip was approached. I think that our time was approached as 'make decisions as we go,' and it felt more adventuresome and full for that reason. Kris was really pretty instrumental in helping me enjoy this trip in this way. He is a master of letting the moment fill itself, and I am happy to have someone as important as him able to make steering suggestions in this arena of how to approach life. Again, I feel like I have been adventuring for a couple weeks rather than just 5-6 days, which is satisfying, because it means that I am ready to return to regular routine, practiced pattern, life as I know it. I desire to let time and space, met by my usual serving of unbounded energy, arrange themselves this way regularly; not only when I am fulfilling my gypsy complex, but also when I am existing in regular time and space.

The best thing I can do now is to allow these realizations to flow into that 'life as I know it.'

Content.

Mission and Resolutions 2011

2010-12-29T19:56:00.000-08:00

I can hardly believe that something so short took me 5 hours of evaluating a year's worth of thinking and writing - must be concise (a goal in itself!) Below are the results of my annual New Year's Resolution extravanganza, which this year also included a retrospective of my mission, goals and accomplishments to accompany the usual survey of last year's resolutions and all the thinking/ writing that followed. I will spare you the lengthy goal and accomplishment section :) Happy New Year wishes, particularly to those who continually help me on the way to bettering myself - Thank you.

Mission

Erinn Liebhard is a creative professional developing her own passionate interests in and community support of jazz and rhythm-driven dance and public health, through program support, creation, marketing and management. She strives to achieve a creative/work/personal balance that will allow her to develop as an individual creative force while managing stable employment and personal goals.

Resolutions 2011

Strive/ ENJOY/ Reflect

Flexibility/ Planning

Groundedness/ Change

Live the way you desire

Happy New Year!!!!!!

The Intro to my Christmas List

2010-12-29T05:47:00.001-08:00

It's interesting; in trying to put this together, I am finding that there is very little materially that I can think of wanting - I guess I should consider myself pretty blessed, because I am not going without THINGS I need or want (though I could sure use some new bras, socks and underwear, but I know you will not buy me those for Christmas!) I guess I truly am to the point where what I want is experiences - concert tickets, travel, dance classes, dance workshops. In a way, this is exciting to realize, but in a way, it helps me figure out why people often want THINGS - they often cost less, not more!!!!

Personal Performance Review?

2010-12-15T10:09:00.000-08:00

Maybe that is what this is. Between these screens and the pages in my journal, a constant attempt to evaluate myself. Let's face it - I am not a line of work that provides me periodic performance reviews, so I have to do it myself.

I suppose I do not HAVE to, but it's sure hard to tell if you are getting anywhere without trying. That is why, over the free time I have at the holidays (in other words, self-imposed suspensions from working on projects that do not have set hours, ie, pretty much everything important I am doing), I intend to evaluate my progress, new skills, goals, etc. I'd like to know what I have accomplished in the last year. It has become hard to tell when the to-do lists I keep are electronic, and deleted week by week. This seems like something I am going to have to change if I want to properly track progress. I had the fleeting thought of trying to switch back to a paper calendar as well, but I think I have decided against it. The crucial tracking is all in the tasks. Fortunately, a plan has been laid to track Rhythmically Speaking hours, but I put that plan in place in late September and have, to this point, not been so awesome at using it or being diligent with it. Now that everything in that arena is solidifying, I suppose it is time to get serious about that.

Another reality - most of this is in prep for creating my yearly batch of New Years Resolutions. Yes, some find these lame and overdone, but for me, they ARE that personal performance review I am referencing, Because so much of my work crosses over into the personal arena (I think this is true for most artists), it is crucial to take time for personal evaluation. I look forward to putting these resolutions every year, because it forces me to slow down and reflect rather than bulldoze forward. The fact that I have not posted a substantial entry to this blog since September is decent evidence of the bulldozing. And indeed, I know myself well enough to know that if I do not take the time for this kind of reflection, the direction and objects I am bulldozing may not even contribute to the overall path I have set for myself as desireable. That being said, I suppose the obvious answer is to allow myself time to use this tool. In the past, I have been pretty good with prioritizing this. The period of time I was best was certainly when I was in Canada, as I had a surplus of time and a practical deficit of money. In the Spring and Summer of this year, money was at slight surplus, and time was in extreme deficit. Now, I definitely have more time than I did in the Spring and Summer (by carefully calculated choice), but money is borderline.

The two great factors in dictating earthly choices. Sometimes I hate this, because it feels so binding, and other times, I think it awesome because it encourages prioritization and creative thinking (both of which I could use more). It seems like this is a pattern I will fight with for quite some time, at least as long as I continue to forge the Dance Artist pathway. In the mean time (as I have no intention of jumping ship from that pursuit for the forseeable future), I have just been trying to focus my 'job' energy on making each hour pay a little better. Trying to take on more teaching, finished my personal trainers certification (yes, I am no ACE certified!) in hopes of using that for daytime teaching and even hourly options at a YMCA, intending to search for sering opportunities in the new year. The last option will likely need to wait until mid to late spring, as patios will be opening and restaurants will hopefully be hiring. I have come beyond the need for the people I am working with to know I am intelligent - where it matters most (dance pursuits), they know this. However, I feel like landing work in a gym will help with concerns in this area. In the midst of this flurry of thoughts, the most immediate goal is the idea of 'making each hour pay better.' This way, I can keep the amount of 'job' hours low and the amount of 'work' (dance) hours up.

Wow, there is a whole lot going on in this brain. The theory is that if I dump it out now, focusing on all the other things I am to work on this afternoon will be much easier. This theory generally works.

Intended actions of this 'Personal Performance Review' I intend to undergo in a couple weeks;
- Taking inventory of ALL the things I have accomplished in 2010.
- Writing an email to go with Christmas cards to the people who influence me as a dancer, outlining what I have been up to and how they have helped.
- Writing a detailed 'Take 10,' an idea I took from a book called 'Brag: How to Toot Your Own Horn Without Blowing It.' Sadly but truly, many talented and wonderful people do not know how to talk about themselves without feeling guilty.
- Assessing my personal mission statement, an idea I got from the book 'The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.' Wow, I feel like I am being paid to advertise self-help books. Also, Kris is in business school and they spend a bunch of time teaching them about such things, and I believe it is rubbing off on me. In a good way. There sure isn't anything wrong with being aware of how you spend your time and how to best spend it, particularly where busy-to-the-core artists are concerned. DO NOT BE AFRAID of mainstream 'business strategy' and 'personal guidance' books. DO NOT BE AFRAID!!!!
- Assessing the goals and plan that go along with this mission statement (including key information and contacts. I guess this is a five year plan of sorts, but the first time I tried making one of these, I went ape-shit and made a detailed excel documents with exact times. Fortunately, I have amazing, insightful friends (Kim M, Kim W, Sarah, Kris) to help me see when I am blinding myself).

As a result of this personal performance review, I want to take everything I get out of it to;
- Re-write Mission Statement
- Re-write Goals
- Write my New Years Resolutions
- Re-write my resumes (dance and work)
- Re-write the language on my website, LinkedIn, Facebook, MySpace and Blog profile - basically anything public that provides a scope of who I am as a professional

Other ideas? They are welcomed. As I am totally serious about there being no one else to provide me a performance review, I really want this to be worth it, and suggestions from trusted friends would only help!

I thinking of all this, one of the things I am most excited about is taking inventory of all the things I accomplished over the year. To me, this is more than meeting work-related goals, but includes all the fun times and adventures. I have to admit that even though I consider myself very self-confident and aware, I can get down on myself, questioning whether or not I really have accomplished anything or done anything to the level of excitement of which I expect for myself. In thinking about the last year, in turns out, it really isn't hard to being a list;
- BellaVida
- Winnipeg Folk Fest
- Another successful year of Rhythmically Speaking
- Rhythmically Speaking becoming a Fiscal Sponsor of Springboard for the Arts
- Completing a successful Rhythmically Speaking GiveMN Campaign
- Forming a Rhythmically Speaking board, complete with Zoe Sealy, a long-respected member of the dance community
- Renting the Southern for next year's RS Show
- Substitute teaching for Karla Grotting at the U and for her advance BALLARE class
- Performing with Eclectic Edge (Karis Sloss and Zoe Sealy), Karla Grotting/Jeffrey Peterson/ Jennifer Glaws for Rhythmically, Lisa Conlin, Kelly Radermacher for Fringe Festival
- Laying plans to perform with Off-Leash Area for 2011
- Choreographing/ presenting 4 different works ("Catious Conscience" - Performed Jan at Patrick's, "I Can't Ignore You" - performed March at 9 x 22, "Did I Do That?" - Created, Peformed August at Bedlam and December at Patrick's, "Arguegreement" - Created, Performed at Zenon Scholarship show Dec)
- Collaborating with Dameun Strange, composer, on a new music and dance project
- Applying for the Momentum Grant
- Applying for a Jerome Travel Grant
- Applying for the Live Music for Dance Minnesota Grant
- Serving on an MRAC panel
- Undergoing voice lessons, getting my voice back in shape and having a song prepped for auditions
- Worked at the State Fair for 4H once more, making my paid service there total 6 years
- Worked as Booking Assistant for Bedlam Theatre, gathering new skills, assisting an organization I care about and making great new artistic connections
- Passing the test and becoming an ACE-Certified Personal Trainer
- Joining the YMCA and learning about exercise science and habits, furthering my own personal fitness and nutrition
- Passing the three-year mark in a wonderful relationship
- Gogol Bordello
- Pretty Lights
- Lotus
- Tab Benoit
- Planning and Executing Otto's Suprise Gradutirement Party
- Planning and Executing the Clogger Holiday Show
- Many memorable clogger gigs (Fergus Falls, St. Peter, Big Island)
- Hanson (and buying Sarah's ticket for her birthday!)
- Choreographing for Arts-In
- Teaching Youth Jazz class for Zenon in the spring
- Becoming confident in subbing abilities by subbing throughout the metro all year

This is a pretty decent list, and it ain't over yet! I guess the moral here is that accomplishment is all a matter of perspective.

Now I am really amped for this 'Personal Performance Review.' Reflection, here I come!

Rhythmically Speaking

2010-11-10T09:57:00.000-08:00

Rhythmically Speaking

Take advantage of Give to the Max Day!!

today (is a flashback) that coughed up a 'plan'

2010-09-15T10:33:00.000-07:00

It's grey, rainy and crappy here, and I am feeling ill-motivated. This is especially weird because I have been really on-it the last week and a half. I had been letting everything I need to deal with pile up post-fair, thinking I'd have all this time on my hands. Ha. Should have known better of myself.

How did I get myself here? . . . Yes, this is not just a question drunk 20-somethings ask themselves when they wake up in an unfamiliar front yard.

The first two weeks of August were filled with Fringe and trying to amiccably navigate my way to the end of my employment with Bedlam. They are fly-by-the-seat, and I am sometimes almost too organized for my own good. I thought in that regard maybe I would learn something from their operating method, and if it were a show or artistic project I had been involved in, that may have been the case. Because employment seems to be one of the few things where I have seemed to think I could locate consistency in my life, I came to see that while I very much respect their mission and what they do as artists, and have loved having the opportunity to produce work there, me and the administration just were not meant for one another. My last week of work was the week previous to my show, the last long-run show in the space.

All this got me thinking a bit more, particularly as it became clear that, beyond August, my financial situation would require major revamping in terms of working enough at a good enough rate to subside. However, I put this tangle of thoughts aside to get my show up, running and closed.

The show was generally a success. In the middle of it all, I found myself getting pretty overwhelmed with the amount I had taken on. The amount as a dancer, no problem. The amount as a producer, no problem. The amount as a choreographer, definitely not a problem. The problem? All these loads mixed together into one big lump of cookie dough with not enough water in it. I came through, but there were times that I questioned the amount I took on. However, dancing in 4 out of 9 of the pieces in the show was precisely what I wanted for myself as a performer from this opportunity. Considering the kind of work I love and excel at is not happening as frequently as I'd like it to in the Cities, when I create opportunities for it to be presented, of course I am going to do everything in my power to perform within it as much as possible. Yes, it caused some headaches, but I do not regret it in the least. I got to work with choreographers who I had always wanted to work with (Jeffrey Peterson and Jennifer Glaws), and got to continue working with my deeply respected mentor, Karla Grotting. Though the week itself was insane, I am glad I did it the way I did.

This year's show also brought some unexpected difficulties. Two major things stick out to me; first, the choreographers seemed to think that the space was available for them to use, no need to ask. This caused overlapping 'rehearsals' and general discord. It also did not help that I happened to be the Booking Assistant for Bedlam at the time, the exact person with whom to schedule such rehearsals. This was a task I was not planning on having to fit into my to do's that week. We got it under control by putting a 'space sign out' sheet up backstage that noted the ONLY available times and split them into equitable slots. The other thing was the audience videotaping! We made announcements at the beginning with the normal stuff (no cell phones, no flash photos, etc), but didn't think we'd have to make an annoucement about video! The last night, the house manager spotted someone taping and went in to tell them to put it away, only to discover the same person taping by the end of the first half again. Rude as hell. So we made an annoucement at intermission stating that videotaping is strictly prohibited - it blocks the view of others, and Heather and I were paying to have a professional video done. If people want a video, buy the damn DVD - we are only planning to charge $10, which is ridiculously cheap comparitively. So after that annoucement, there was a guy in the FRONT ROW taping. I got so pissed I wanted to stop dancing and tell him to put it away, but I knew that would obviously only make me look like an asshole too, so I refrained. But boy, did I want to!

Overall, it was great - audiences were not has big as we wanted Thursday and Friday, but Saturday made up for both - we had people sitting on the floor, and considered it an overall sell-out! The work was great - the show itself was generally seen as even better than last year, and I got written about specifically in a review - I have never had a reviewer focus on me as a performer, so that was VERY exciting; http://www.tcdailyplanet.net/news/2010/08/20/its-all-about-rhythm.

Then, it was almost immediately off to the fair. I had one day of nothingness (I had it written in my calendar for months. The day following the show, Sunday, was labelled 'Nothing Day,' and I promised myself to plan nothing). I ended up taking myself for a bike ride, out to breakfast, and went tubbing with Kris on the Cannon River. Good times. The fair was what it was - every year I end up feeling like I am eternally frozen at 16 in that building. People tend to forget that 4H kids grow up and get real jobs. I often found myself feeling frustrated by how tiny little changes could do a lot of good, but how people who have worked there for many years simply respond 'but this is how we've always done it,' and make no effort to absorb new ideas. I think that my time working for 4H at the fair is limited. I really love giving back to the program and being in that building, but I want to be able to utilize my skills (I have been a manager for crips sake, it's really hard to be treated like a teenager) to the best of my ability. This really got me thinking about how it would be a dream job to me to work year-round for the Fair! In short, I was happy to be there, I cannot imagine being anywhere else during that time of year, but I am hoping that I will be there in coming years for a different employment situation!

During the fair, even though I had pushed off thoughts of 'what's next' for after, I found myself starting to think about the upcoming year, and realizing that my slate was not clean at all, like I thought it to be. Even though I decided to stick with my coffee job and not add any hours to make up for my lost job, I still feel like the world has piled on me. The next week, I sat down to assess my commitments for the year and their duration, as well as my future goals. I used to have a big, detailed ten-year plan, but my experiences are coming to suggest that such things never hold true when they are so stringent. Part of good planning is to realize that your plan my be de-railed by a life circumstance or a new opportunity. So I revised this ten-year plan of sorts into more of a list of goals and information, split into categories that reflect my current and desired commitments. I also wrote myself a personal mission statement in attempt to define more clearly what I actually want and am trying to accomplish with all these pursuits. In the course of this, I also re-did my resumes. Beyond that, I sat down and attempted a general assessment of what a typical week would look like for me this fall, and where the open spots were to pursue my projects. I was expecting to work about 20 hours, and have about 20 hours for projects, not including rehearsals for Eclectic Edge Ensemble. Sadly, during a period that I really thought I am under-committed, it turns out all the projects I have on my own really take something like 30 hours a week. I think I am coming to realize that my weaknesses do not lie in planning, but rather in the execution, specifically in regards to estimating how much time a thing takes.

I have realized that I have a tendency to just make a list of all the things I need to do and think I can accomplish in a week, without really thinking about how much time each thing takes. Sure, I have even gone so far as to give tasks days, but I still never tried very hard to figure out how much time each would take. So I have attempted to turn over a new leaf in that department.

I am planning to make a to do list for each week starting mid-week before, depending upon the progress of each task on the current week's sheet, as well as looking at my goal document and seeing which smaller elements of major goals I could begin to take on. So this fall, I have found myself committed to the following; working at Ginkgo three mornings a week, teaching dance one night a week, choreographing a piece for the Zenon scholarship program, choreographing new work with a composor/ live musicians for a showcase in February, making prorgess on my personal training certification, attempting to further develop Rhythmically Speaking, dancing and being on the board for Eclectic Edge, taking dance class as much as I can, and taking voice lessons with my dad to improve my voice for auditions. I also want to put a lot of energy into figuring out the best plan for my career/work development. I am starting to reach the point where I can no longer work between 3 and 4 jobs at a time, many of them for crappy pay, just to make ends meet and allow me to pursue dance. However, I still place great importance on my development as a dance artist. My major goal is to make more money in less time (who doesn't want to do that!). I am trying to be reasonable, and figure that if I can find the right job (involved enough that it modivates me but not so involved that it fries by brain from being creative when I am done), it can work. I don't think it is unreasonable to think I could get $15-$20 an hour at my current experience level, and especially if I get further schooling. With that, between 25 and 30 hours I am set! To figure out the right way to navigate this and what path to take, I plan to go on a shit ton of informational interviews(have already started setting them up) and to start opening my search to corporate job boards. I used to pride myself on never having worked for a corporation, but when it really comes down to it, not all corporations are evil, and not all non-profits are awesome. Bottom line, corporate jobs are a lot more likely be to paying in the range I need, and may also open me up to areas of work that I had not been able to break into or consider previously. I do know that I do not desire to work in arts administration at this time - it has started feeling ridiculous to spent a bunch of brain power trying to better one arts non-profit when I could be taking all that thought generation and applying it to the development of my own pursuits. Ideally, my work/time situation would lay out as 20-30 hours a week in a fulfilling and well enough paying career-esque job (event planning, public health, other areas of interest), and 20 hours pursuing my development as an individual creative force within the Twin Cities dance community (as a producer/ curator, performer, choreographer, teacher and writer).

Oh boy, that is a lot of stuff.

Obviously, I have been putting a lot of thought in. And now, the challenge is to make sure those thoughts turn into actions. Particularly on a day like this.

The Suspension of Mental Programming in Favor of Sensory Experience

2010-07-29T05:31:00.000-07:00

I gotta call that guy. Too bad I might just find out that he is a whiz on paper, an asshole 'in person.' Journalists. . .

Newsweek provides a fair share of interesting ideas to consider, even in it's flimsy weekly magazine format. I guess I kind of take that back - any publication managing to produce any sort of physical format right now should be lauded. Boy, this is all kinds of not the point.

The point, yes, that is where I was going - is that, among these interesting ideas, there was an article that explored, and in the end blostered, art that 'has no meaning.'

Now, 'art that has no meaning' is somewhat of a misnomer. The dual act of creation and then observation is purposeful in itself. But I'll move beyond that; art that is viewed as 'having no meaning' is often the kind that allows you to suspend mental programming in favor of sensory experience.

In writing this, I am afraid of sounding dangerously as though I am in favor of not thinking. This is in no way what I am meaning to suggest. Rather, I pose that allowing an amount of time in your mind each day for wandering, sensing and feeling is a rather grand idea. Now, art that makes you think hard about something specific is joyful in it's own right, just as art that asks you to clear your mental slate in favor of sensory reaction to what you are experiencing in the moment holds its own set of cards.

This 'defense' of sensory-based art comes during a time that I have been thinking a lot about physical and mental health, and short-term memory loss. In thinking through options for what I'd like to learn about more and work in as a daytime support job to my pursuits as a dance artist, I have been researching and thinking a lot about public health and work/ leisure trends that have come to dictate how we take care of ourselves. Overarchingly, a couple of key ideas continue to surface throughout;

- We are asked to lick up (without even tasting) and process more information than ever at faster and faster paces
- We spend too much leisure time on activities that ask very little of our brains and bodies (perhaps in response to being asked to process TOO much during work periods?)
- We have been inundated with tools that are, while arguably helpful sometimes, a great hinderance to building mental capacity for memory (for example, the ONLY cell phone numbers I have memorized are my own and my mothers)

I feel like I am creating bullet-points to support the 'Slow Food' movement. There must, then, be a 'Slow Brain' movement? Now, that just sounds not-PC.. . . .

After taking a little time to look into this idea, I came to see that there are several different thought arenas on this (as I should have suspected, with everyone and their mom able to publish web content on a near-immediate basis these days. In fact, what exactly is it that I am doing right now than? Hmm...). A couple things to look into;

http://www.slowplanet.com/blog/home/
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/worklife/06/06/balance.slow.movement/
http://www.slowmovement.com/

I'm aware that bolstering these ideas is ridiculous coming from me, a great example of 'time deficit as status symbol,' but I am working consciously to change that. The best way to do this for yours truly? Art.

Creating, performing and watching dance are a thing of patience for me. I find, time and time again, that the quicker I try to get an idea from my brain into dancer's bodies, the less defined, dynamic and interesting the idea becomes. These are among the things that deserve the amount of time they need to develop into what they could become. And should that also be true when we are considering our own selves as the subject?

Returning to dance, I'd like to posit that the positive benefits of these larger ideas of slowing down and really tuning in can be reaped by engaging in dance that simply asks you to be a part of the moment; to be a visceral, sound-hearing, emotion-experiencing machine.

Colors, rhythms, movement patterns, accents, dynamics, spacial reorientation, emotions, shared experiences, bodily connection.

Jazz and rhythm-based dance forms encourage viewer enjoyment and creativity in ways in which other dance forms seem to often feel uncomfortable. By allowing individuals attentions to focus on what they are drawn to rather than asking them to look for something extremely specific, they are able to become involved and let their imaginations wander down various paths, encouraged by what they are taking in. Many people I speak to who are not regular dance-goers cite their reasoning as 'I worry the whole time about whether or not I am getting 'it.' Do we really want attending an evening of dance to be another place where people are forced to jam more into their already crammed heads? If your answer is yes, more power to you (I can, after all, appreciate the benefits of this kind of dance). If your answer is no (which, mine often is), please help me continue to encourage the 'yeses,' that the 'no's' have some pretty serious logic to their methods, too.

Suspension of Mental Programming in Favor of Sensory Experience. Now, take in some rhythm-driven, emotion-laden, visceral-feeling dance about nothing, and tell me what you feel.

Nothing? . . . Didn't think so.

The Thrill of Anonimity?

2010-06-24T07:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I find myself pre-editing what I am planning to write out of the concern that someone whom I do not want to may find their way to it. What a blaring ridiculocrity - that is not a word.

A squirrel just jumped up in the corner of my window. Bold.

I know sitting down to type this that I was not sure I was in the right mold of mind. It seems that it is happening anyway.

Back to the original, stated purpose of creating this jumble of words - I have been realizing, in the last few days' newest installment of 'oh, shit, am I running my life the best way possible?' that the answer is no, and one of the ways I have come upon to fix that is to have less friends.

Wow, that sounds stuck up and ridiculous, melded into one goofy little sentence. But think about it just a bit more . . . how much time do we now waste trying to maintain relationships that may not hold much stock any longer? Because we are provided with tools that make this 'easy,' we march to our instant messaging programs, Facebook, Twitter and whatever else, relying on them to maintain what were once meaningful connections.

Let's face it - not ALL meaningful connections you create in your lifetime can last. A personal example of this - I am currently feeling very disconnected from my friends from Calgary. It has been over a year now since I moved home, and my contact with most of them has largely reduced to little chits on Facebook, or has all-together dissappeared. Whenever I realize this, it makes me very sad, but in contemplation, has pulled me back to a new year's resolution I made several years ago - to truly believe that friendships do not have to be life-long to be life-changing. I came to writing this after having spent an amazing week as a 4H camp counseler the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college. In all honestly, I no longer talk to anyone that I met there, including the guy I ended up dating for awhile. While I could look upon this as sad, I realize that I'd rather look upon it as what it really was/is. It WAS one amazing week of my life that I truly will never forget (down to the water-squirt games in the field, setting up my cabin to Dave Mathew's 'Busted Stuff,' on the little silver boombox that no longer works, the maple-flavored sausage that could not possibly have been good for us in any way, and paddling a canoe out into the lake to provide a performance version of a camp song that included the canoe tipping and it's contents dragging itself back to the fire drenched). It IS a golden memory that I cherish, and a big part of that is the people - Kayla, Alex, Cooper, and others - that created it.

In writing this, it occured to me that one of my favorite teachers from Calgary, Joanne, used to regularly read my blog, when I was living up there. It flattered me at the time, and now it makes me sad that I do not interact with her on a regular basis. However, in considering the larger picture, a return home was inevitable, and along with that, a reduction or loss of regular contact with the relationships I established. Seeing it in this light can at first be discouraging, but ends up being a reminder of the beauty that life carries in it's flexibleness and unexpectedness. I could have as easily never gone to Calgary and met any of these people, and in realizing that, I MUCH prefer it the way I have it - I did meet them, I did have to leave them, but I will always have what it was while it was happening, and connection points to the universe that I would not have had before.

In it's flexibleness, life also does a version opposite of what I had just described. Sometimes, you drift away from close relationships in which you are unsure of what kind of connection you will maintain, only to discover a number of years later that your connection has weaved itself out of fishing line rather than grass. I always knew I would maintain a relationship with Sarah, but never could have expected how important she has become in my life. It is somewhat of a joy to be able to name on your ten fingers the people you really want to see regularly in your life, and she is one of those people. Along with her came Aaron - leaving high school, I never would have expected that he would be a pivitol person in my life, but he certainly is now, and that unexpectednes makes our relationship all that much more enjoyable.

In this same line of thought, as much as I want to maintain relationships I find important, I also have the relatively newfound desire to shed excess ones. That sounds terrible when one has the gumption to actually state it, but we all know it is true. In a world where we are expected to process more and do more, limits have to be drawn somewhere, or we will 'more' ourselves into an oblivion. There are all sorts of art pieces and commentary and movements out there who project this feeling - "We Are Not Gadgets" by Jaron Lanier, the Slow Food movement, the backlash against fast food. While these sorts of things may make this idea seem unattractively trendy to some, I find a lot of value in them. As someone whose natural tendency is to want to do as much with my time as possible, I am realizing that I may not be wrong about this desire, but rather, the way I go about it.

Tuesday was a very overwhelming day for me, my usual day to dedicate to artistic pursuit. Generally, this is my favorite day of the week, though it can often hold equal amounts of resentful feeling due to it's creation as a day to get 'everything' done. When 'everything' creates more things, my feeling of being in control of my time and life seems to get jettisoned out to the sea. I don't think my life needs to exist in that kind of delicate balance.

In my hopes to be moving toward my goals, I have been trying to do it in the fastest way possible rather than the most efficient. To me, 'fastest' entails dancing in as much as I can regardless of how much I really want to do any given project, and taking on as much as possible so I do not have any spare moments. In that way, I feel that I am doing my best to avoid failure because, how can I fail if I am doing everything possible?

My, I can certainly count the ways if I actually stop to think about it. Here is a way - I am doing a lot, but none of it to the best of my ability. I am doing a lot, but it keeps me in a constant state of flurry that keeps me from comfortably settling, even into my leisure time (which I already try to limit as much as possible). Know what ths necessitates? Maintaining many relationships in impersonal ways rather than having a couple handfuls of really meaningful relationships that I can dedicate the kind of attention I really wish to in order to experience them in the most fulfulling way possible. The age old dilemma of quantity v. quality. And the really difficult thing here? It is that no matter how hard and long you try to figure this dilemma out, it is an ongoing, life-long struggle. That may sound cynical, but I would rather think of it like this - such conflicting concepts keep us from becoming complacent, no matter how comfortable or uncomfortable we are in our current or projected lifestyles.

So, in the midst of many question marks, forth comes a great many ponderances and dilemmas. While they may be frustrating, they seem to be catapulting me toward a continued better understanding of how I should/ how I want to function within the world. As the wise lady checking me out at the co-op said after she witnessed me run into an aquaintence from the freshman dorm and muse on how we both seem to be 'still' trying to figure our lives out, "Anyone who tells you they have everything figured out is lying to you." We spend our whole lives figuring, which more often than not seems like a difficulty, but really has its hidden beauties . . .

Amazing and Ridiculous - Two Words with Dual Meanings

2010-06-02T15:06:00.000-07:00

That is what BellaVida was indeed. A music festival I attended in Gevena, MN last week, BellaVida is what hecklers would call a big ole’ hippy-fest, and supporters would call the best damn time they have all year. I found myself experiencing the weekend as a curious mixture of the two.

What was + Amazing/ Ridiculous was the music. I felt so at ease and blessed when I laid my blanket down under a huge shady tree between the two stages, positioned just so that each set could be heard with relative distinctness. Looking up at the gentle breeze swirl through the huge old trees while hearing a bad-ass saxophone wail away is certainly an out of the ordinary and welcomed combination. Additionally, I got to meet some pretty fun people and camp out under the sky, cooking my food as quickly as I could on camp stove to encourage my booze to calm down. Lastly, and seemingly one of the most important reasons it was + Amazing/ Ridiculous was the change of pace it provided. Though I still have not managed to nail down a decent routine after what seems like several months of toil, a change of pace is always welcomed by someone like me, whose gypsy-tendencies seem to scratch at their stomachs more often than they should.

What was - Amazing/ Ridiculous: I was amazed at how many people I assumed to be there for the music we so gone from using that they missed a lot of music. There were times when I would look around at the crowd for the headliner and wonder “Where is everybody?” They were back at camp, getting ripped. Now, I do not consider myself someone quick to sentence judgment, it does not take me long to decipher my own leaning toward something. I found myself leaning toward sadness that it seemed to take many people too many out-of-the-body elements to condition their vessel to respond in a way deemed to be exciting enough, big enough. The other – ridiculous that really caught me off guard at this one was how many people truly seemed to be trying to emulate an era that has passed. Don’t get me wrong – Ms. Jazz Dance Crusader is all in favor of preserving the best parts of history, however, allowing them to come back hollow and rot from inside out does not do anyone any favors. History’s elements come back best when they are made to be fused with the greatest of elements that have been seen since and are developing now. In short; Woodstock is over, kids.

So there it is. Amazing/amazing, Ridiculous/ridiculous, much like most things we encounter in this crazy world.

Peace.

Courses of Jumble

2010-05-20T15:38:00.000-07:00

'Just this' forever? I have a particular friend I think of often in that regard - he moved down to Austin after spending his first summer out of college home, and I am pretty sure he is doing in Austin precisely what he did here - barely worked and had a lot of amazing adventures. While amazing adventure is for sure a good reason and a good thing to do for awhile, I think it runs out for people who are purpose-driven. He is a really conscious, smart cookie, so I have a feeling that this kind of lifestyle will not last for him forever.

I have to admit that I am envious of that- ie getting out to unfamiliar places and experiencing - but I am coming to realize that I can do that without moving or having it work related. I think I have been hesitant to accept that, because I do not want to become the kind of person who works a grueling job she hates to get to vacation time so I can flee my real life. That has been a struggle. However, I am at the same time realize that a lot of people that I love are at home, and I do love the Twin Cities. So maybe for me, that just means taking part in fulfilling work here, a place I love, and then taking the opportunities it allows me, or social obligation allows me, to go on adventures as I can.

Beyond that; confusion. It feels like a matter of trying to decifer what things I want to move toward. I feel like last fall, I had strained the soup for the big objects. Now, I feel like a big pot of soup. Yes, soup.

In a more defined explanation, I have realized that I have a whole lot of interests that are not necessarily going to be catered to should I choose to go for a Dance MA. In the midst of thinking further about all this, I started thinking about and compiling information on other programs that might suit my specific interests, and have come to various different ideas; Public Health, Event Planning, Venue Ower, etc. I have realized that the one common thread holding all my interests together is my desire to connect people to one another physically and socially. It bothers me so much that more and more of our leisure is becoming remote and static, and I want to be a part of the movement that encourages people to enjoy being physically active and social. I have tried to boil this down into a statement of sorts;

To first understand and draw conclusions, and then make use of data and possible new research to encourage abstract movement (social dance) and somatic practices as leisure/ lifestyle options that provide mental and physical health benefits. Using these ideas as an alternative to current public health outreach, which is very exercise and diet focused, can engage new audiences in a time of crisis physical and mental health crisis, which has been encouraged by our work and even our play developing to require less physicality and social interaction.

In the midst of all this future change thought, which is both confusing of course but also exciting, one thing that has stayed consistent is my desire to perform and choreograph. I am seeing a day-time, money-making career shift as an opportunity to work less for more money so I can spend half the work week on whatever that is, and the other half on my work as an artist.

I am grateful that at least that desire has not changed.

Music You Can Eat

2010-04-13T08:49:00.001-07:00

The post below was written for the MN Jazz Dance Collective blog and newsletter (www.mnjazzdance.wordpress.com).

As a dancer, more often than not, dance concerts trump other forms of live entertainment when it comes to what I most frequently attend. While I whole-heartedly enjoy my outings to see works of dance art, I occasionally find myself wishing I could be better at supplementing my live-performance diet with some more theater, music and other such stage revelry. As a performer, creator or appreciator, variety can only benefit your eyes and ears, opening them up to fresh ideas and new ways to see things you deemed familiar. This weekend, I put this wish into action, and ended up experiencing one of the most amazing live music shows of my life thusfar.

I attended Dosh at the Bedlam Theater, and my experience was akin to the strange title of this post – music you can eat. To be more clear, this was music that you don’t just hear; you experience it. It felt so thick that I could reach out and grab it, eat it, and enjoy it’s taste. The element that made this music so tangible to me was it’s depth. Dosh, a one-man-band of sorts, is a wiz-kid when it comes to creating layer upon layer of sound, adding new patterns and rhythms and accents at every turn. Utilizing both traditional jazz sounds and instruments, from his savvy on the piano to quality guest-chops on the saxophone, he also pulls heavily on ideas of electronica and free jazz.

I could go on, trying my best to be a music critic, but I will spare you and cut to the point; this concert got my head spinning so creatively crazy that I felt like I wanted to stay up until 4am just to process my thoughts and feelings. Of course, I fought that urge and wrestled myself into bed, but my head remained excitedly swimming through a pool of creative ideas and general happiness.

Have you recently had an amazing, moving live music experience? What were the elements that made it unique and incredible? How did you find out about the artist? How did the experience inform you as a creator, performer or observer? Comment below if you wish!

Experience as Empathy and Patience

2010-04-09T06:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was among the more annoying days I have had in some time.

This day was filled with running errands, the kinds of things that people do who do not see anything wrong with prioritizing taking care of themselves (ie normal people and not me). Stopping at the pharmacy, making a deposit, filling up the gas tank, getting the driver's license renewed, stopping at the post office, getting the car washed, calling in to set up a doctor's appointment.

Almost every single one of these experiences is set up in a way that is meant to be relatively convenient, yet every single one also had a road-block of some kind that kept it from living up to this idea. Let's begin with the pharmacy; I stop to pick up my prescription, which I had recently switched to this pharmacy, as it is very close to my apartment, and family owned. Seemed like a nice little place, and a good opportunity to support local business. Short story kept short, when I politely questioned why only one month had been filled and not the three I am used to, I was made to feel stupid for not knowing why and for inquiring about it. The tone of voice in which I was addressed made it feel like the answers to my questions were obvious. Not very nice treatment for when you feel like you are doing a small business a favor by switching from big (and in that way, often much more convenient on many levels) to a small. I guess this situation is a good example of the fact that small business is not always better than big, and this is a black and white I should allow to grey a bit more here and there.

Onward. The next stop was SuperAmerica. nothing 'out of the ordinary' to report here, so forward it was to the DMV. Yes, the Department of Motor Vehicles. I figure I am being smart by stopping in there around noon on a Thursday. Who could be there? Just a couple people skipping over quick on their lunch break, right? No sir. The place was packed (I would insert 'as usual here,' if I had only had the foresight to just relegate the DMV to its proper place as a constant rat race). While my number did come up rather quickly, the amount of time I had between pulling it and getting called to the counter was barely enough for me to find the proper form without assistance, let alone get it filled out. In the midst of all the hubub and shuffling, my picture ended up 'distracted third-grade kid,' but am I really going to ask for the gal to take it again? Even if you are vain, it is not the common chump who seeks out opportunities to prove it. I guess my ID will just have to feature, until I am 30 and have to renew again, me looking like a cotton candy truck just pulled by.

The rest of the day's experiences included a grand total of about an hour and a half on the telephone, skipping between the insurance company, the doctors office and the physical therapy office, all of whom seemed to have someone else to refer me to and different ideas of what information I needed. Who knew that you had to make so many calls to so many parties who want so many different things, all to make a single appointment?

This is where purpose comes into this entry and complaining slips away. Who knew? A lot of people know, and that is something that a mostly-healthy gal like me often has the fortunate situation of being able to forget. I so rarely have to deal with the healthcare system, I find myself quire removed from the every-day realities of getting it to work for you when you are in need. I am not touching upon this as an entrance point into further complaint, this time centered around healthcare, but rather, as a way to suggest that people could use some more empathy in their lives.

I was entirely frustrated and practically pulling out my own hair after a series of transfers and disconnections, but somewhere within the frenzy, it clicked; though going through these experiences is in no way pleasant, not everything in life is. Additionally, there are plenty of people who have to deal with these 'unpleasantries' on a daily basis, and many through no fault of their own. While I can't say that I would want to spend an hour and a half on the telephone trying to make an appointment every day, I am realizing that there are some people who have to do this, which is a good reminder of both exercizing patience, as well as trying to generally give people the benefit of the doubt - who knows, among the people you pass each day, who has had to deal with something as frustrating at this, or worse?

Additionally, this negative experiences throughout the day served another purpose; contrast. While a good portion of the day did in fact annoy me as I previously suggested, there were a couple situations that made me smile and appreciate the little things. The first was my stop to the post office. I had already had a couple of difficult encounters previous, and while this experience may have been as pleasant as it was because I was ready for something on par with my earlier run-ins, I'd rather chose to believe it was so because the person I interacted with was a good one. I came in to drop off a change of address form, and had a couple questions with it (because honestly, can I really do anything without accompanying it with some inquires? It's just not my style :) ). I was prepared to once again be made to feel stupid, but experienced quite the opposite. The counter worker, who has been there since at least when I started working at Muffuletta and most likely much longer than that, was simply just knowledgable and happy to share that knowledge with me. I have interacted with her several times before, but there was something just releaving about her earnestness this time. I walked out of the post office feeling refreshed, my sense of good in people renewed.

The second experience was another that was certainly not out of the ordinary, but well-needed and well-placed within a day that had been full of the opposite; it was just a nice, pleasant check-out guy at Rainbow. I am not saying we had a full-blown conversation (though I'd sure be happy to - I often notice myself wishing I could learn to stop talking once in awhile), and the words exchanged were inconsequential - I cannot even remember what they were, less than 24 hours later. What I am saying is that his amiable demeanor was refreshing, and that these little occurences really do make a difference in the quality of how we experience and enjoy our time within a day.

To conclude, in less words, such daily encounters are important, and not just because they are a result of necessity. These encounters remind us to empathize, to be patient, to give the benefit of the doubt, and to enjoy the casualities that are simply refreshing. And if nothing of this sort comes out, at least you have some good grumblies, which go well shaken and served in the company of friends who work in customer service.

Observations Makes Arts's's's

2010-04-06T06:25:00.000-07:00

"The seeds of an idea you planted long ago are about to blossom."

These are the kind words offered by a fortune cookie message that found its way to me long ago, then eventually found itself pasted to the inside of my journal, to live there for purposes such as this.

I sure hope that fortune cookie is right! I have been noticing things across the span of several months, when walking, out to eat, driving, running errands, watching TV and movies, chatting with friends and strangers; living, it seems. I was pondering this morning that all of my observations seem to be very people-driven. Interesting realization, considering my last big spewing of words onto this hyper-paper. Despite this realization of the importance of and quality within people, I find that I am desiring to go beyond my natural tendency to be drawn to people alone when it comes to the creation of comment through movement.

That being said, I created an inventory of ideas, both to see if it really is just about people and if there is anything worth really digesting, as well as to see if I have noted other infuences within my observations, all for the purpose of trying to make movement worth watching. While I was going to share this in a listed posted on this wall for all, it felt funny to me to simply free-for-all my ideas and how I got there, a worry rooted not in the idea of stealing, but more in the idea that I want to tell people these ideas through the dances I create, not a list on my blog. So indeed, this list was created, but is to be locked under the protection of my many layers of organized digital folders.

In the process of creating said list, I did start to notice a key; all actions, and then I suppose general currents within the world, are created by the actions of living things (people or animals), but their widespread affects become their own concepts. Therefore, it is indeed true that everything I notice seems to be "about people," but at the same time, people are just one part in a chain of ideas, depending upon what you prefer to focus upon within a given concept.

Another factor playing into my fear that I only ever work off 'people' is the fact that the formation and performance of my comments (my art, if you will) are completely centered around and dependent upon people. This is probably an element of why I have been drawn to dance and often find it difficult to be drawn into painting, something that I find awesomely reflective of my general existence as a 'people-person.' However, I am also realizing that this current is part of what makes consistently creating as a dance artist difficult. Sometimes, one is just not in the mood to be with people and converse, etc, or simply would rather just be alone (and we all have those moments, regardless of how much we love people). It is very difficult to respect such feelings in yourself when you are feeling the pressure to create consistently within dance - unless it is a solo, how are you supposed to create a piece that can be performed when you do not feel like working with people? I have this hang-up that it is assumed that unless you are shooting out work (quality aside) like you shoot out .....well...... I'll let finishing that analogy slide ...... that you are not actually an artist.

I used to wonder, at the beginning of my undergrad, why so much time passed between my professor's shows. After working at it a bit myself, it has become obvious; if your only task in creating work were to generate ideas and choreography, your shows would be much more numerous. Some people reach that point, where they have a whole infastructure of talented people behind them, whose jobs are to get the work produced and out there. Some people never get to that point. The important thing to remember is that there is always a process (accompanied by some time) to get toward that situation, or at least a permutation therein that would still make you happy and satisfied.

It's About People

2010-03-31T05:14:00.000-07:00

Similar words, from a couple respected people within the span of a few days, have caused me to think pretty deeply about the modus operandi and result of actions that people take. Previous to the wise words of these respected people, my easy answer would have been something to the tune of "my actions are usually to further an element of my career," or "to get everything done in time," the later being particularly true when it comes to how I operate on a daily basis.

My triggers to think about this came from advice in two different scenarios - the first from a satisfied reader of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, and the second from a discussion about a dance piece centered on the idea of how, at the metaphorical end of the day, life is really about people.

While I have not yet had the chance to read the afore-mentioned book (though I plan to now), I did connect right away to the choreographers explaination for how she arrived to this conclusion, and why she wanted to showcase it in a dance. In explaining the piece, she started by saying that it is all too easy for one to get caught up in the obstacle course of daily life. Though the course changes form with each phase of life, offering new challenges with each new chapter presented, there is one constant; there are always too many important things to get done on time, in order to stay on top of things and be successful.

The key to analyzing this assumption is pondering what it is that drives us to get these too many things done. Yes, 'too many things' was followed by 'to get done on time' and 'to be successful.' This is where I haved stopped in the past, in trying to figure out why I operate the way I do. Go further. Why is it important to get things done on time and be successful?

First, I draw up the idea that these things are important because we think that what we achieve individually validates our existence as humans, our purpose for being on earth. However, this is not specific to you alone, one person at a time. A factor of what makes the world truly interesting is how we are all connected to each other in some way - My purchase of coffee beans creates revenue for farmers in Ethiopia, that farmer in Ethiopia is then able to invest in cellular technology developed in India, so on and so forth. Though my example is strikingly similar, I am not talking about glogalization here. I am talking about how our personal actions, in the long-run, really are about how we relate to other people, and the importance of those connections.

I'll make the scale a little less worldly - this time, I'd like to suggest that the quality attention and intention you invest in your interactions with co-workers is just as important as the quality you invest in completing a project. Or; the quality you invest in interacting with a loved one is just as important as getting the house clean. When it comes down to it, the house, pending fire or other disaster, will always be there, but your loved one will not. I do not say this in a way that suggests people are important only because they have a shelf-life. Rather, our abilities to interact with people in ways that we cannot with a broom are precious, and should not be overlooked or sidelined due to tight scheduling.

This idea is something that I can easily and joyously understand, but will be a challenge to put into action. I thrive off the necessity of getting numerous things done in a simultaneous fashion. In fact, a big ponder last month was whether or not I create tasks to make myself feel like I am on top of things and going somewhere. These things said and considered, I do not desire to cut out any current projects from my life; after evaluating, I realized that I really DO want to be doing nearly everything I am doing, outside of tasks that are simply necessity for sustaining of life (i.e. day-job-to-make-enough-money activities). Despite being happy with the fullness and variation of objects on my plate, I have realized that it could be beneficial to reconsider how I go about . . . eating them?! Ok, cryptic, stick-to-the-analogy tools aside, I have realized that I could be more conscientious about how I interact with people.

In my heart, I am fully aware of the fact that people are the true driver of what I do, but that idea often stays a bit buried when I am trying to accomplish a task. In other words, I have a tendency to sideline people or rush through an interaction without noticing because I am so focused on the task at hand. After being triggered by two respected people to think more about this, I plan to be more active in supporting quality within my interactions as they happen. While I have never had difficulty expressing how grateful I am for support and interactions I experience after they happen, I could stand to be in the moment more on such things (well, most things, really :) ).

How will I do this? Unfortunately, there is not an instruction manual (that I know of, anyway), because I would sure love that. However delightful a manual would be for me, this one is the kind of idea that seems to be different for each person to put into practice. I am going to begin with the simple idea of trying to be actively conscious of how I interact with people, and I will go from there.

My 'at heart' understanding of how anything I do, though filtered through the achievement of personal success, is really for the purpose of connecting with and supporting my loved ones and people in general. In my case, the teaching, performance and creation of dance are conduits for the development and passing on of my ideas about the world, most of which are meant to reach out to people and ask them to see and feel the world more actively as they live in it. Hopefully, after having pondered all this, I can work toward always treating my daily interactions with as much purpose as I do the consideration of and acting upon my internal drive. When it comes down to it, these two concepts share a common source; people.

From Ear to Eye: Ideas to Aid Jazz Music Lovers in Viewing Jazz Dance

2010-03-24T15:04:00.000-07:00

Written for the August 2009 edition of CODA, the Twin Cities Jazz Society newsletter.

Saxophones, trumpets, drums, dancers . . . the beginning of a large list of musical
instruments. Wait a second – dancers?! Yes! Dancers should indeed be a part of this list, according to those who study and practice jazz movement. This sentiment is not as uncommon as one would imagine. Lovers of the jazz aesthetic can agree, regardless of whether they prefer music or dance, that the two media are inherently and beautifully connected to one another for many reasons. It is these elements of connection to and respect for the music, versatility, embracing humanness, and most importantly, rhythm, that provide the common ground for jazz
music lovers to view and appreciate jazz dance.

One of the most satisfyingly simple and authentic ways for both a dancer and a
viewer to get involved is finding connection to and respect for the music. Purposeful use
of and genuine connection to the music is a hallmark of quality jazz dance. Many jazzers
enjoy dancing socially just as much as they enjoy dancing in a concert setting, and the
common thread is music. Jazz musicians savor a close relationship between ears and mind, and by throwing in the additional element of the eyes, jazz dancers develop a keen relationship between the operation of the body and the act of listening to music – they create a visceral absorption of and response to music.

Another factor that can be taken into account by jazz music fans watching jazz dance is the concept of collaboration. Both jazz dancers and musicians have the distinct pleasure of working in tandem with several elements at once to produce a unified whole. Varied instrumentation (be it several dancers with their own distinct movement style or several musicians with their own distinct sound) creates numerous possibilities for unique and satisfying outcomes.

Jazz dance and music also share in the joy of improvisation, another element that encourages the creation of fascinating chance encounters. The jazz aesthetic also fosters versatility, an element that keeps jazz-interested folks constantly wondering what could be done next. Jazz music has fused with pretty much every other form of music, and if it hasn't, it can. The same idea goes for dance – jazz fusions have created seemingly endless possibilities for movement and idea explorations. Truly understanding the basics of this aesthetic, such as musicality, rhythm, honesty in emotion, and collaboration can provide a solid base for successfully and whole-heartedly catapulting into new musical and movement territory, fostering a sense of variety not

Jazz dance is unique from other dance forms in the fact that it often seems to be simply celebrating the music. seen quite as much in other forms as it is in jazz. In a solid jazz-dance concert, the appeal of this idea can often be seen rather well through presentation of a wide range of movement styles and music choices, allowing the viewer to enjoy several styles in one
sitting. Jazz also allows musicians and dancers a sense of emotional freedom. As a vernacular
form from its roots, rather than trying to rise beyond it (as in forms such as ballet), the
jazz aesthetic asks its participants to embrace and showcase their humanness by using
common energy to emote. Jazz dance is unique from other dance forms in the fact that it
often seems to be simply celebrating the music. If one takes into account the inherent
humanness of dance and music existing as result of one another, this dance already has its
purpose. This incredible humanness alone is enough to create purposeful, satisfying,
engaging and visceral dance, particularly when matched with just the right tune.

Finally, there is rhythm; Our body runs on the rhythm of our heart. We make rhythm with
our bodies through the creation of music and of dance. This bond is a strong one, and it
comes across quite clearly when experiencing a well-thought-out collaboration of jazz
music and dance. Regardless of the music choice, rhythm is ever-present in dance. It is simply up to the choreographer and performers regarding how much they would like to acknowledge it. People who feel drawn to jazz often find rhythm to be the most essential element in their medium. Sharing interest in this creates a common thread for jazz musicians, dancers and viewers to understand and appreciate one another’s pursuits. Connection to and respect for music, collaboration, versatility, embracing humanness, and rhythm provide a common ground
within the jazz aesthetic for dancers and musicians to appreciate one another’s work.

The inherent and beautiful connection between movement and music, though elusive, gains
clarity when considering all that the two media share. Keeping this view in mind, it
seems only natural that dancers be included on a list of musical instruments. Operating
from this standpoint, jazz music lovers will be on just the right track to take a leap into
whole-heartedly viewing and truly enjoying jazz dance.

Erinn Liebhard earned her degree in dance at the University of Minnesota in 2007. As a
choreographer, her work has been presented by the Eclectic Edge Ensemble, the Red Eye
Theater and the Lowry Lab Theater in downtown St. Paul. Additionally, her work has
been presented by Dancer's Studio West in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, as a part of the
Alberta Dance Explosions Festival 2009. Her interest in the development of jazz and
vernacular dance recently took her to Calgary to study extensively for a year. She and
collaborator Heather Parker are co-producers of “Rhythmically Speaking: Seven Jazz
Perspectives From Emerging and Established Choreographers.”

Social Dance Subculture

2010-03-16T05:58:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, I attended and helped host Moosejaw, an old-time music and dance weekend put on by the Wild Goose Chase Cloggers at the Maplelag resort near Detroit Lakes, MN. I knew I would have fun, as I enjoy dancing and music, but didn't really know for sure what I was getting myself into.

The first couple of hours of arrival, I could feel myself shrinking in response to the clear indications that everyone seemed to know each other. I was dissapointed in myself for my reaction, unclear as to whether it was really a desire to be inward, or if it was simply that I was not prepared for a weekend of being around many people all the time for a whole weekend. Despite my initial feelings, these reactions washed away quickly, as the family-style dinner was served and the music and dancing began.

As quickly as I knew someone's name, we were just as quickly sharing in a dance. Square and contra dancing are designed for people who like other people - this is apparent in the hand holding, eye contact, partner switching, and unspoken idea that it should be your pleasure to take part in the dance, regardless of with whom it may be. Additionally, these forms of dance are for people that love music and rhythm; old-time and bluegrass music operate around repetative and catchy rhythms and hooks, and they rely on easy to understand musical structures and patterns, which come out in audible chunks of sound that are easy for dancers to identify and for musicians to structure around the dance on hand.

Creation of community seems to be the number one result of being involved in this kind of music and dance. Though people may get involved for the purpose of serving their own love of these things, they end up on the other side having not only experienced the joy of really listening to music and the synergy of moving their body to it rhythmically, but they have also shared in these joys with others.

After getting involved myself, the openness of this community people is so obvious to me in so many ways, and one of the ways this was embodied this weekend was the willingness to learn new things. Attendees stepped out of their old-time comfort zone to learn and partake in traditional Ukranian social dances, taught by Don LaCourse of Ethnic Dance Theater and danced to the music of the Twin Cities-based Ukrainian Village Band. Though very few of the weekend's attendees had experience with this kind of dance, it did not take them long to pick up on and enjoy it. I truly believe that it came as quickly and enjoyably as it did to everyone there because they foster a general atmosphere of interest, willingess and support, and this showed in everything, from learning a new dance to locating the hot tub!

I could go into unnecessarily minute detail, simply for my own pleasure of recalling the weekend's hijinx, but I will try to stay relatively to the point; the old-time dance and music subculture is alive and well due to a couple of key factors - an extremely welcoming crowd of people, diverse in background and age and experience, and music and dance forms that are simple, communal and rhythmic. I often receive slightly befuddled reactions when I tell people that I go to square dances, or that I have joined an appalachian clogging company, or that I recently spent a whole weekend clogging, listening to jam sessions and contra dancing at a secluded Northern Minnesotan resort. I think it is easy for people to be detered by the title of 'old-time,' which often draws up ideas of outdatedness. In trying to explain, it is often difficult to put into efficient response why it is that I have been so drawn to this community, yet I will try.

I am glad that I have not let the genre title of 'old-time' get in the way of how I see this community and what it can offer me as a dancer and lover of music. Just because a form has a long history does not mean it is outdated; on the contrary, history allows digging into past experience to find ways to engage new people, as well as to keep interested the people who have already been drawn in. In short, I find this subculture's sense of open, unapologetic, community-building, fun-loving simplicity to be among the freshest apporaches I have experienced regarding sharing a love of rhythmic musical patterning and movement.

West African Dance Workshop with Djenba Sako

2010-03-10T07:37:00.000-08:00

Monday night's workshop was awesome. This is not to say that I had a revolutionary learning experience, but I certainly had a revolutionary movement experience. To me, this is one of the nutshell-sized ways to explain why traditional African dance, while not 'pushing any boundaries,' has extreme value to offer to both trained dancers and novice dancers alike.

To begin with, the evening's teacher (Djemba Sako), a guest artist from Mali, brought with her a whole sense of authentic styling and teaching, both of which had a certain casual (I might say cool) flair. Despite the fact that she seemed to be operating through a language barrier, the detail and clarity in her body of experience was enough to communicate to us students exactly the way in which the movement should be executed.

Seeing videos and learning from a third party instructor are fantastic ways to immerse yourself in a craft when that is what is available. Even better is striving to supplement such learning with learning directly from the source, which is exactly what this opportunity provided. Dancing to the drumming of Fode Bangoura and the instruction of Djenmba was an incredible, exhilarating brush with authenticity.

The setting of the experience was perfect - a mirror-less studio in a community center that I had never even heard of (Sabanthi Community Center), and folks with whom I had never before danced. The newness of this community was invigorating for me; it was so exciting to discover that there are communities of dancers expressing themselves that I had not been aware of until putting myself into the middle. After my short-lived experience in Chicago, I pledged to myself that I would delve into excavating my information regarding what is happening for dance learning opportunities in the Twin Cities. I was pleasantly surprised to quickly find class opportunities in places that I had never before heard of - Central Do Brasil, Sabanthi, etc.

However, just uncovering information regarding these classes did not get me very far. Yes, it was exciting to gather the knowledge, but it took experiencing one of these opportunities in person for it to really sink in how intricate and exciting our dance community can be, with its multiple, far-reaching arms.

After Monday night, I am definitely going to make a more concerted effort to get myself out to more of the unfamiliar and exciting dance opportunities in our great cities.

Clean Slate, Blank Brain

2010-03-09T05:21:00.000-08:00

Clean slate, blank brain.

It is amazing how quickly your brain can fill up with thoughts upon waking, no matter how hard you try to keep it un-tainted. Focusing on nothingness when there are so many opportunities in the opposite direction is amazingly difficult. Food, bathroom, to do list, when do I need to be to work, did I call that person back? Tainting.

But here is the bigger question - do creative impulses come out of that stream of unavoidable thoughts, or out of managing to avoid them? I am sure there is no constant, but for each person, there must be a tendency. I can only assume that, since I am not manufacturing amazing creative thoughts every two seconds, most of my tendency must lean toward when I manage to avoid that stream, or maybe when I swim upstream?

I think that is the purpose of why, a couple of weekends ago, I decided to try and plan nothing - tried to avoid that stream of thoughts, and instead let time develop as it would. This idea seemed romantic and fantastic, and I couldn't wait to let it unfold.

Turns out, it was nothing near what I was making it out to be. Another impotece for this little experiement was also the thought that shaking up personal patterns can be good for you. In theory and sometimes in practice, this is true. However, what resulted from my no-plans weekend was me feeling like a boring, time-wasting person avoiding what I really wanted to be doing - moving toward completion of plans.

Another thing that called me to try this was the realization (which I did arrive to long ago, but seem to have sincere difficulty affecting) that I tend to let never-ending lists dictate me. I say this in a way that suggests that there is such thing as a list with an end point, which I believe to be entirely untrue, at least where highly motivated people are concerned. Therein lies the problem. Often, these lists dictate my time in a way that seems to run me in circles, rather than in a defined direction. I realize this.

However, after a couple weekends ago's experiement of trying to plan nothing, as if operating in a blank fashion equal to that of simply trying to run through a list at as fast a pace as possible, but on the opposite end of the spectrum, would help me in some way.

What really comes out of all this is the continued reenforcement of the fact that nothing is black and white (I suppose even the concept of 'black and white' itself has to be grey somewhere), everything is best in moderation. But not moderation for moderation's sake, moderation with thought behind it, careful enough that it is purposeful, but not so planned that interfers with a moment's ability to unfold into what it wishes to be.

So, new approach; two weekends from now, I am going on a road trip with Aaron and Sarah. At first, I hadn't even asked what we were going to do, in order to respect the ways in which randomness can carry us. Realizing that I was too curious to have no idea, I asked her the plan, which turned out to be holing up in a hotel room because no one has money and talking through with a friend some troubles. Glad I asked.

With information and perspective, I am going to choose to let randomness draw the cards part of the time, while planning draws the other part.

Any suggestions for fun, cheap things to do in Madison in March?

Suspending the Programming

2010-02-17T06:26:00.000-08:00

The below post was created for the MNJazzDance Collective blog and newsletter, created and managed by myself and Heather P Westerlund, and found here; www.mnjazzdance.wordpress.com.

“Just as drama asks us for the suspension of our disbelief, jazz asks us for the suspension of our need to program our every moment.” – Seth Colter Walls, Newsweek Dec 21st 2009

Upon first read, this statement grabbed directly at my gut and held on. It is difficult, regardless the subject, to boil down to a few select words the purpose of something that one finds deeply inspiring. In the above statement, Seth Colter Walls has managed to do so with jazz.

In a world with the ability to move faster than ever before, we are all busy people for various different reasons. One thing we all share is the occasional need to stop in our sometimes well-worn tracks, allowing moments to flourish not into what we are asking them to be, but into what they can be. Jazz music and dance invariably are chances to allow moments to come into their own, likely an unrecognized part of why we enjoy them so much.

At the heart of this idea is the concept of improvisation, a mode in which artists are allowed to immerse themselves in the moment and to see where things go. Often equally immersing is the act of witnessing these explorations, but only if we allow it to be. Observing and becoming wrapped up in an improvisation can sometimes be a challenge to modern audiences, who tend to program each moment of their time out of an ever-developing background pressure to get everything done quicker. I am no stranger to this idea; I am sometimes so busy ‘getting things done’ that I forget to indulge in something as simple and necessary as enjoying a meal.

Giving time the chance to suspend at the hands of an enrapturing piece of music or dance, or in the moment of a deeply-connected improvisation, can be just what the body and mind need to become rooted again, and ready to ‘get with the program’ with a renewed sense of purpose.
So do yourself a favor and allow some time for moments to become what they can – put on your favorite tune and do nothing but listen (if you are so moved, get up and dance around your living room), see a show or take a class, and shut off not only your phone, but your mental to do list. On that note, here are some ways to do just that;

DanceBrazil
February 19, 2010 7:30pmOrdway CenterTickets: $25 – $30 651-224-4222, www.ordway.org
For over 30 years this company has celebrated the traditional Afro-Brazilian Dance and Capoeira movement in choreography that blends contemporary dance and sound in stunning performances that echo the traditional movement, spirit and color of Brazil’s rich multicultural influences.

African Dance Workshop with Guest Artist Djeneba Sako
March 7, 2010 5:00-6:30pm, 6:30-8:00pm, Jawaahir Studios, 1940 Hennepin Avenue S, Minneapolis
March 8, 2010 6:00-7:30pm, March 9, 2010 6:30-8:00pm, Sabanthi Community Center, 310 E 38th St,Mpls
Two classes $30, four classes $56, drop-in $17 per class
visit www.duniyadrumanddance.org for details and registration
Learn African dance and rhythms from Mali West Africa. In Mali, performance, music and dance are ways of expression used in education and everyday life. Djeneba Sako, from the Malian Troupe Baden’ya, is a graceful yet powerful master dancer with a unique style that has allowed her to capitalize on the US Malian dance scene as one of the most sought-after dance instructors at conferences and festivals across the nation.

Cheers to getting lost in music and dance!

Erinn Liebhard

Thought of the Day

2010-02-09T11:16:00.001-08:00

Force is not fun.

Unless you are a Jedi.

Thunder Bay Is a Shithole.

2010-02-06T15:51:00.000-08:00

Well, it's true.

Good thing that did not stop me and my partner in crime (also known as me brother, yar) from spending hours of our precious time over the course of two days to drive on up for one soul reason - Tim Hortons. Though this trip prompt our over-use of the word 'awkward' for two days straight, this sort of strangeness can be deemed a virtue in the eyes of us two weirdsmobiles, so we found joy in whatever we could.

Examples:

The country store where we bought home-made sausage and asked for some tin-foil.

The whole-foods co-op where we rocked lunched out hippie-style.

WE HAVE ARRIVED! Canadian greatness at it's best; Tim Hortons.

Thunder Bay's deepest thinker. Pondering breath mints.

A shiny Saturday morning in downtown Thunder Bay.

But despite its rough exteriors, beauty can be found there.

And here, too.

So while the added bonus of Reilly finding a new friend,

And me a new pair of earrings, in addition to our Tim Hortons, may not make this trip seem real valuable . . .

The true joy was found in the long stretch of open road I got to enjoy with my brother.

There's good times, right there.

This Is What You Get

2010-02-06T15:42:00.000-08:00

This is what you get for harboring the website passed on to you by the musician you talked to briefly in a coffee shop in May 08, holding on to the info and planning to make a visit, but never getting to it until now;

www.ryanranney.com

The disatisfaction of never knowing.

"If You're Gonna Do It, You May As Well Do It Right."

2010-01-26T06:43:00.000-08:00

This is a sentiment I hear from a litany of customers each day. This, or at least something very similar. The context of this sentiment is what makes it disturbing, as it refers to the piling on of whip cream, addition of extra chocolate, the use of half and half and whole milk. Often, such a statement is delivered by people who are quite overweight, as if said statement were already not bad enough with its subtle themes of entitlement.

It is an attitude like this, when applied in this way, that gets the aforementioned people to the place where they are now. When seen an entirely different light, there is a certain wisdom to the statement of "If you are gonna do it, do it right." If you are going to live this life, you should do it well by treating your body with respect, so as to enjoy this life for as long as possible. Some people who live their life with the opposite sheen on this statement are among the people that live until 55, thanks to congestive heart failure.

So, do it right, and in the process of respecting your body, you do not have to sacrifice your mind - your mind's desires for chocolate and french fries need to be met every once in awhile. Failure to met these wishes, according to dietary experts and the personal experience of a great many people, results in a spiral toward the other direction. This is simply another example of one of the rules of common sense - everything is best in moderation.

That even goes for exercise. But for now, many of the people coming to my coffee counter could do better applying this idea in order to avoid whip cream overdose.

"Closer to the Bone" by Kris Kristofferson

2010-01-07T07:13:00.000-08:00

Simple
Honest
Visual (but not in a way that screams 'descriptive poetry')
Floating
Existing
Calm

Musically, there is not much to make this song wildly different from many of it's peers. The soft guitar strumming and banjo picking in the background are things that I have heard before on many occasions. Even the lyrics - very enjoyable, but not wildly different, or pushing of any boundaries, a concept much too revered in much of artistic pursuit these days.

So what, then, makes me want to put this song on repeat, shut my eyes, kick up my feet and float along with it? The person delivering the song. Each person carries their own background and information, and injects it into the way the deliver their craft. The instrumentals and lyrics, however simple and non-revolutionary, carry their own special pull because of the individual experience craftily and honestly poured into the work. I can hear experience in Kristofferson's voice, I can hear the rawness - he is not concealing anything.

In a world full of radicalism for radicalism's sake, a small, simple and honest piece of music such as this is truly refreshing. I can be told time and time again that 'it has been done before,' only to pass of this assertion in favor of being able to listen better. Yes, maybe similar things have been tried before, but locality is what really makes anything. In a world continually globalizing, I am seeing, hearing and feeling the importance of 'think global, act local,' and yes, that even applies to my little music-listening experience.

Seek out all the knowledge you can, as wide-spread as possible. Know what is out there, what is happen. Then, use these things to figure out where you stand and how they can be personal for you, on an individual level. Knowledge may be wide-spread, but experience is not. It happens where you are. Purveyors of virtual entertainment may argue otherwise, but I find it not so. Back to the 'it has been done before,' idea, I offer the idea of contextualization. I have only been on the planet since 1985. 'It' has not happened while I have been around. In addition, 'it' has come out of a whole new set of circumstances, as the way we interact with one another, gather information, live in general, has naturally experienced a whole host of changes, a simple reality of the passing of time, since 'it' first happened. New technologies, political thoughts, sociological structures. To think that a form of art would have the same impact on people now as it did even just 20 years ago is actually entirely ridiculous.

So here is an ode to the experience seekers. I listen to, look at, touch and experience the things that draw me in. Folk music is a new, transformative experience for me. There are legions of people out there for whom jazz dance would be a new, transformative experience. Note the overuse of the word 'experience.' As I see it, the experience delivered is just as, if not more, important than the search for the next most unique and never-seen thing. If this things does not speak to the people observing, what is the point?

Existing.

Happy New Year

2010-01-02T06:18:00.000-08:00

My yearly ritual of creating New Year's Resolutions is again complete. Below is the product of my toiling - hope something in here inspires you too!

New Years Resolutions 2010

Set to "Soweto" by Abdullah Ibrahim

CONCRETE

- Dedicate time and resource toward living the way you wish

- Spend more time actually enjoying your senses

- Establish a morning routine

- Personal style = doing what feels good

ABSTRACT

- Allow personal and professional interests to blossom and inform one another

- See life as a fluid stream of happenings that you are both informed by and inform

Trust your instincts

- Be actively present in the world around you

- Embrace change in yourself and others as simply another way in which the world unfolds

- Seek out a sense of groundedness that serves as both a base for adventure and a point of balanced return

- Allow space for moment to become what they will, free of limitation

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

An Open Christmas Letter to Friends

2009-12-10T07:44:00.000-08:00

Oh boy.

It seems that I find myself typing a Christmas letter. I sit here, considering the amount of time I have spent making fun of such things in the past. Keyword – past. It is amazing how things shift as you increase in age, and how you find yourself identifying with things you formerly thought were strange, such as only seeing best friends once a month or every couple months, getting tired at 10pm, turning down another beer…..

I am realizing that, as we grow older and better define our lives, our schedules become radically more different. The light bulb – it is not a lack of desire that keeps us from seeing or speaking to our favorite people as much as we wish – it is a simple matter of your time being more full and more inconsistent. I like to jokingly refer to situations of mismatched schedules as a syndrome of becoming adult-like. While such a symptom can be frustrating, it can yield wonderful surprises, such as finding those with whom you can pick up with from where you left without a hitch in the conversation. Moments such as these make all the in-between time worth the wait. Additionally, you find the people that you maybe never exchange communication with, yet still find yourself thinking about here and there. I like to think of these people in our lives bearing in mind this phrase; friendships do not have to be life-long to be life-changing.

What I am getting at, after quite the run-around (shocking, I know. I have always been someone of so few words J ), is that I can see the purpose of the Christmas letter more and more clearly each year. As someone who, regardless the amount I see you or speak to you, is a life-changing friend, this Christmas letter, I see, is just another way to create connection! So follow my yellow-brick road…….. If I begin in January of 2009, I was living in Calgary, Canada, training with a wonderful company called Decidedly Jazz Danceworks, and living in a house with three lovely gals who turned out to be wonderful friends. With them and the many other friends I made there, I became a more huggy person, threw some great parties, helped through tough times and was helped through tough times. I saw some beautiful mountains in the Canadian Rockies in Banff National park, danced in a elementary school educational show on jazz dance and saw more gymnasiums than I expected to for the next several years, honed my ear and my eye to dance as music visualization, increased my already growing passion for musical, jazz and vernacular-related dance forms, had my choreography selected for a professional festival, and learned how to inject some balance into a usually too-busy lifestyle. Now that I am home, I have yet to emulate those qualities here that I gained while in Calgary. I have realized that I will always err on the side of crazy when it comes to the amount of things on my plate on any given time, but at least now I see that and know I must inject some down time into that schedule.

Landing back home in Minneapolis in May after realizing that, sometimes no amount of work you do will change government regulations, I decided to shift my desires toward other goals, and made plans to move to Chicago in September to train with another jazz-based company. I lived at home in Prior Lake with my family for the summer (which was great after being gone for so long), and worked as Summer Education Assistant at Youth Performance Company, a youth theatre education organization, where I met some great people and had a wonderful time. In addition, I danced in the summer show with the Eclectic Edge Ensemble, a local jazz company that I have been with now for four seasons, and co-produced, choreographed for and danced in a local jazz dance choreographer’s collective showcase we titled Rhythmically Speaking. This show panned out to honestly be one of the highlights of my life to this point – we had nearly sold-out audiences every night, wonderful fun dancing together, got reviewed in the Star Tribune newspaper, and felt at the end that we had really created another spark for the Twin Cities jazz dance scene. After seeing the crowds our show drew, there is absolutely no question that there is an eager, excited jazz dance audience in out cities. The show was at the Bedlam Theater August 20-22, and after completing that, I spent another state fair working for the 4H program, after which I moved to Chicago.

Chicago, though short-lived, was another learning experience for me – after getting there, only to realize quickly that it was not the place or time for me, I realized that sometimes no amount of planning can trump gut-feelings. After re-evaluating my personal and professional goals, I decided to move back to the Twin Cities, and it ended up being a wonderful choice. A choice not without trials, I have been impatient with working 30 hours a week working at a coffee shop, knowing that is just a place-holder and a creator of cash. However, when I hear employment rate statistics on the radio, I am reminded to be grateful just to be employed, and then I get over myself. The reasons I took the job (flexibility, leaving it there when I am done working) have been fulfilled up to this point, and I do enjoy the shop and my co-workrs, so I just have to keep reminding myself that it is just for now and I am taking many great steps toward other more important things.

During the other hours of my work week, which I have found to be at least equal to the 30 I spend on the day time cash job, I have been teaching dance all over the metro, working toward becoming a certified personal trainer (which is the idea for the next day job!), and rehearsing and performing with the Eclectic Edge Ensemble (jazz company) and the Wild Goose Chase Cloggers, an Appalachian clogging group that I just joined! Most importantly, I have been working on my own choreography and progress toward eventually having my own music, jazz and vernacular-based dance company in the Twin Cities. Among such progress is planning future jazz choreographer shows, launching a blog and newsletter on jazz dance in Minnesota (www.mnjazzdance.wordpress.com), showing my work in several local showcases, and doing a lot of research and thinking regarding the development of my own style. To get a better idea of what this means, see what shows are coming up for me, and to watch a work sample, visit my website (I am proud of it, and owe a lot of thanks to Kris, the center of a fantastic, supportive relationship and creator of the site); www.erinnliebhard.com.

Though there are difficulties here and there (and aren’t there always in this life), I have a lot to be grateful for, including wonderful people in all departments of my life – family, friends, relationship, mentors, co-workers, creative professionals. I am enjoying being back in the Twin Cities, but know two things about future locations; 1. I will definitely have some more adventures before I land, including graduate school in dance theory (I have been accepted to the University of Surrey in England but have chosen to defer until the time is right), and 2. when I DO land, it will be in the great state of Minnesota, home of my ever-expanding Midwestern pride. I know that I have a lot to figure out yet, but feel that I am on the right track, and I truly owe that to people like you, who have been their along the way for this life that has been a sequence of wonderful adventures, with more to come.

So cheers to adventure, and hopes that our paths will cross again so we can seek some more…………………

Sincerely,

Erinn Liebhard

What a Weekend....

2009-12-10T07:10:00.000-08:00

I am getting to it a bit late, but that matters little, because my excess excitement from this weekend - Wild Goose Chase Cloggers 30th Anniversary Show weekend - is still as sharp as a tack.

Mixing wonderful, varied people, a kitschy space, a lot of food and a bit of liquor, and any kind of dancing creates an excellent cocktail. In the days to come, I was looking forward to the weekend while also feeling like it might get a bit long. It did not take long into Saturday's practice to realize that the second part of my assessment was incorrect - the time went by all together too quickly.

The people - these people, pulled together by a love for old time music or clogging or rhythm-making, come from all sorts of work backgrounds, many different places, are of many different ages, and their other talents and interests are amazing and varied. Among the stand-out people experiences was meeting and chatting with an ethnomusicologist, who happened to be one of the hosts of the party that was thrown Saturday night. Though I met him on my way out the door, he took the time to chat with me and answer some questions about grad school. He was, in fact, so invested in the conversation that he took me up to the library to grab me a couple of books, excitedly insisting that I must give them a read, and then drop him a call to chat about them! This is just one example of the kind of quick connections and support I felt throughout the weekend.

Of course I cannot overlook the space in which we operated. Moving our efforts from the Oddfellows hall on Saturday to the Bedlam on Sunday for rehearsal and the show, I keyed in to the fact that there is always something about getting into the actual place where you will be performing that lights your insides on fire. Bedlam especially - it is the kind of place you can come into and feel like you are at home - for the amount of time that you have it to present your show, it morphs to feel like you have lived there for years.

Over the course of the weekend, I also could not help but notice how much these people seemed to love food! The food at the party was immpecable, the food that WGCC founding member and now event-planner Greg brought to the Bedlam on Sunday was ridiculous, the amount of food and drink lavished across the crowd at the end of the show was far beyond what I imagined. This piece of the experience leads me to one thing - these people like to enjoy themselves, and the things that create enjoyment are simple things - good people, a good place to be, good food and drink, and most importantly - music and dancing.

Oh the music and dancing. Live cajun music and social dancing, Irish music, old time music, bluegrass music, bagpipes, clogging, waltzing, square-dancing.....yes, this all happened within the span of 36 hours. I have mentioned to a couple of people that the more time I spend studying and practicing dance, the less and less I am interested in perfecting and presenting things that 'normal' people could never do. This is not to say that I am completely un-interested in a wow-factor. The kind of wow-factor I enjoy is one that is, after development of a love and dedication, and some practice, accomlishable for anyone who chooses it. Dance should be about the practice as well, not just the presentation. When brought up in concert dance, one spends so much time preparing for and worrying about a one or two or three time shot at showing people. When involved in social dance, the experience of doing is just as important, if not more, as is the presentation of an end result to outsiders.

More eloquently, I am becoming more interested in dance that asks you to join in rather than to just watch. Breaking from the show into a square dance was absolutely inspirational - asking the audience to share the floor and come spend time dancing - to me, dance should make you want to hop out of your chair and join in!

To sum up this random jumble of thoughts, I took away so much from this weekend in regards to how I practice, think about, view and experience dance. This group as already inspired me so greatly, and I am looking forward to what I am guessing will be a lot more time dedicated than I had initially expected!

Cheers to the practice being just as important as the presentation.

********************************************************************************
SHOW ROUND-UP: Shows seen 11/6 - 12/4

Wake The Dead
Rainy Day Cabaret at the Old Arizona Theater
November 5-7

Much Ado About Nothing
Prior Lake High School Theatre
November 5-13

Ruined
Mixed Blood Theatre
October 16 - November 22

27th Fall Concert
Zenon Dance Company
November 19-29

***The stand-out; 'Booba' by Andrea Miller, Artistic Director of Gallim Dance in New York City. This dance is an excerpt from the larger work 'I Can See Myself in Your Pupil,' of which excerpts can be seen on YouTube - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewKtJOMGqGg. I literally laughed my ass off the whole piece. Laugh out loud kind of laugh. The sheet randomness, oddity and ridiculousness of the movements, facial expressions and formations was enough for this dance to need to exist.

I was also extremely kinesthetically affected, as the more I explore my own movement tendencies, the more I find myself wanting to move in abnormal yet rhythmic ways. It is arguable that all dance is composed of abnormal movements - movements outside of what the body does to locomote itself through the tasks of daily life, such as walking, standing, eating. To a dancer, at a certain point, all widely accepted and taught dance vocabularly becomes normal movement, movement that is used to locomote the body through a regular day. Maybe my desire to move in splayed, gyrating ways to complicated rhythmic patterns it is due to a partnership beween my want to explore movement outside of regular, taught dance vocabulary and to listen to music with rhythms that make me want to dance. Whatever it is, this piece hit me hard in the heart and the funny bone, and injected me with inspiration.

Beaverdance
Bedlam Theatre
December 3-19

Sounds of the Season
Bloomington Medalist Band
December 7th

Can't Read It

2009-10-28T15:21:00.001-07:00

I cannot read it anymore.

I have tried a couple times over the last couple of years, the lastest time the most successful, getting ALMOST half-way in (the book being a total of 185 pages). 185 pages is something I should rip through in no time. Especially when the book pertains to art. So I guess that just means it is bad....

Which book? ------ "The Romantic Manifesto" by Ayn Rand.

It was my intention to spend some time today thinking creatively by reading this book. When I picked it up to read it, I found myself dreading the time I would spend, taking it only to complete the task I had set forth some several weeks ago. I then decided that I am not a masochist and should not force myself to do things I do not enjoy doing. Wow, what a revelation.

I guess I thought if I continued reading that I would like it, considering that I really enjoyed "The Fountainhead" and "Atlas Shrugged," and consider the former to be one of my favorite books. The source of this favoritism has much to do with the detailed yet light and interesting way she writes, but also with her philosophy - in ways.

These 'ways' match how I am in 'ways' what one might consider conservative politically - I am to a certain extent for the idea of limited government, all about personal responsibility, and can often see the benefits of self-interest (insert Ayn Rand here). At the same time, I am a believer of some government sponsored social programs and in all aspects of human rights.

These ideas being at odds with one another 'in ways' exemplify how, as a 'liberal' artist with personal responsibility streak, my past enjoyment of Ayn Rand is at odds with my current feelings of deterence and desire to laugh at some of her musings. Examples;

"Art is not the means to any didactic end." - Pg. 22

Art is one of the best ways to share moral and ethical ideas, as well as a structure in which to teach such ideas. To suggest that art is merely in the moment and participatory (which are indeed some of its best situations, but not only) is to limit its capacities.

"The product of America's anti-rational, anti-cognitive, "Progressive" education, the hippies, are reverting to the music and drum-beat of the jungle." - Pg. 64

This is just plain hilarious. Back to the idea of participatory and sensory experiences, suggesting that hippies are anti-cognitive is hilarious! If someone is dancing to music or beats, in those moments, all they can think about is the sound and how their body is reacting - could anything be more cognative? Cognation does not need to be planned or forced in order to be experienced, reacted to, and gained from.

"Music is an independent, primary art. Dance is not. In view of their division of labor, the dance is entirely dependent upon music." - Pg. 69

Also just plain funny. I find it interesting that I am actually taking the time to refute this, as an intense purveyor of the idea that dance that is inspired from and exists due to music is not only valid but incredible. However, there certainly is a large piece of me that insists that dance is an act of art in itself that in no way REQUIRES music. In this same line of thought, I also prescribe to the idea that music requires artistic motion - in my mind, dance - to exist. Therefore - dance and music can certainly be lookd upon as free-standing art forms, but when examined deeply, lean on one another to exist. When this thought is broadened, I would go so far as to suggest that no art form can exist without the presence of others silently informing one another.

I did eventually get to Pg. 120, but the last quote from Pg. 69 was so hilarious to me that I did not get much out of the subsequent 50 pages.

So thanks, Ayn, for applying objectivism to art - in defending romanticism alone in creation, you have provided me with several wonderful fits of giggles.

An Act of Creation - "The House Can't Stand"

2009-10-26T15:14:00.000-07:00

A simple one - meditating on and putting into words thoughts on the show I absorbed last night.

"The House Can't Stand," written and performed by Steve Epp and directed by Dominque Serrand, was both a romp through the mind of a wife left alone to her house by a deceased husband and relocated children as well as a stringing together of several politically-minded theatre happenings. Visually, each individual picture the show created (down to the sock on the legs of the table in the set) was brilliant. Yet, those pictures were created from and motivated by both intense characterization and the abandoning of such a labor.

The two artistic minds behind the show created an utterly fascinating character whose actions were equally as fitting later on in the show as they were unexpected at the beginning of the show, speaking to the cultivation of a personality intensely interesting enough on its own. I do not say 'enough' to suggest that such a thing should be left as is when it can be further developed by a fitting storyline or creation of a series of images, but rather to underscore the importance of letting a solid character hold it's weight. I felt that the weight the character created initially was made less so by the amount of randomization that came to pass within the second half of the 'storyline.'

I am also not trying to suggest that any 'good' show MUST have a solid, follow-able storyline; I am simply saying that a very clearly defined character, such as the aging housewife in this play, should be allowed to pull it's weight, and should not have to knock fists with numerous storylines for attention.

At the same time I pull down the value of having too many random things going on, I would like to boost it back up in the fact that the idea and execution of 'happenings,' can be very intriguing by themselves. Transitions from the side of a far-off road to a Hooverville-style tent encampment to the tent of Abraham Lincoln and back again to the suburban house where we started was interesting enough in itself, but my interest was hard to maintain as I tried to sort out the relevance of it all to the character that was earlier on in the play so strongly developed.

In a nutshell, I highly enjoyed the visual and movement aspects of the show - I'll get so specific as to say that I was pre-occupied in a good way by how the character's left leg stayed more straight than the right, even creating an interesting physical profile for how she approached the situations in which she was put. Additionally, I was quite taken by the character created, and the ridiculously witty and relevant one-liners tossed. I just wish the journey I followed her on had a bit more clarity.

A New Artists Statement

2009-10-07T06:33:00.000-07:00

How is this for change?

Artist Statement, February 2008:

I began my involvement with dance as an energetic child who enjoyed being in motion and exploring life’s possibilities while playing dress-up. Noticing this, my parents enrolled me in dance class, and a pairing of innocent preferences developed into a passion for the art of dancing. My formal dance education at the U of M helped me identify the capability to focus on an objective, utilize determination, put to work my ability to be resourceful, and to correctly attend to my strengths and weaknesses regarding the pursuit of a multi-faceted career revolving around dance.

Though in hot pursuit of a professional life with variety, I have been surprised since graduation to note how important the production of my own creative work has become. I have seemed to lock into the medium of movement because it has constant shift – no two performances are ever the same. I have also begun to notice my increasing disillusionment with words. In a society that is increasingly injected with more digital images and sounds everyday, there is something refreshing about working with and viewing a physical, human body. Further, the rapidly-spreading societal plague of being ‘too busy’ and in need of constant convenience makes me feel as though people are frequently missing out on the small but poignant moments in life. If there is any a time to stop and notice, it is in witnessing the messages human bodies can transmit while moving with intention. I have often thought that my interest in this subject matter comes from my inherent need for organization and resulting tendencies to miss out on chance happenings. I yearn to break free from such habits, and look upon creation of performance art as a chance to communicate how I constantly see related predicaments in others. It is the central idea helping people identify and address their tendencies toward such complacency in life which pushes me forward.

*********
Artist Statement October 2009:

A Twin-Cities-based performer, choreographer, producer, administrator, teacher and writer/theorist, I seek to refine my creative interests in rhythmic and musical dance, specifically jazz and socially-related forms, through a series of many expected and unexpected experiences.

I began my involvement with dance as an energetic child who enjoyed being in motion and exploring life’s possibilities while playing dress-up. Noticing this, my parents enrolled me in dance class, and a pairing of innocent preferences developed into a passion for the art of dancing. My formal dance education at the University of Minnesota helped me identify the capability to focus on an objective, utilize determination, put to work my ability to be resourceful, and to correctly attend to my strengths and weaknesses. In the pursuit of a professional life with variety, I have enjoyed working in many capacities as a dance artist, yet the production of my own creative work has consistently come to the forefront of my efforts. In the search to define my creative impulses, I have been trying to break down why it is that I love to dance, and have come to find one constant; I love to create and match with my body the rhythms and musical qualities that I hear and sense.

I enjoy dancing socially just as much as I enjoy dancing in a concert setting, and the common thread between those two things is music. Musicians savor a close relationship between their ears and mind, and by throwing in the additional element of the eyes, musically-motivated dancers develop a keen relationship between the operation their body and the acting of listening to music; in short, they create a visceral absorbing of and response to music. Our bodies run on the rhythm of the heart, and this intense human experience alone is enough to create purposeful, satisfying, engaging and visceral dance, particularly when matched with just the right tune. The sheer variety of rhythmically connected music and dance creates seemingly endless possibilities for movement and idea explorations, as well as an electric environment fostering the constant wonder of could be done next. Truly understanding musicality, rhythm and honesty in emotion can provide a solid base for successfully and whole-heartedly catapulting into new musical and movement territory.

Within these explorations, I seek to define how dancers can embrace integrity and honesty to their personal experiences as a way to access a piece’s intention, providing them a way to truly connect to and therefore better understand and present the work. Intention within my work often relates to how embracing the need for constant convenience and the idea of being ‘too busy’ can cause people to miss out on the small but poignant moments in life.

My enjoyment of creating and matching with my body the rhythms and musical qualities that I hear and sense, connecting to the music, versatility, the creation and embracing of humanness and personal integrity through abstract movement, and the desire to assist people in opening up their eyes to the small, poignant moments are the things that move me forward (well, in many directions actually) as a choreographer and versatile dance artist.

**********
Reading one against the other really puts into perspective how much I have come into my own regarding my thoughts on dance in the last year and a half. I was about to type 'how my thoughts on dance have changed,' and realized that to be far from true; this new artist statement sums up the things that have always been operating in the back of my head, even through my time studying modern and post-modern dance in college. While delving deeply into that kind of thought around dance was something I value and would never take back, I am feeling relieved that I have found the right place for that information in my brain, and am beginning to learn how to let my heart lead instead.

And when my heart leads (and lets my head come with), I know now what is powering it and how to describe it.

The Passing Of Time

2009-10-07T06:25:00.000-07:00

Seems to level things off a bit. Something that can seem frustrating and like the only thing that matters in the world can become extraineous when left to simmer for a length of time. Another way of saying this exists in the immortal words of my wise, world-observing grandmother;

"Things will always look better in the morning."

This advice was passed on to me via my mother, and I find it true time and time again. I tend to fixate on problems at hand so intensely that all other things are shut out of my mind, in turn eventually shutting down my ability to think like a rational person. When I am willing to sink in to this idea of letting go of the thing being fixated upon for now, only with the promise to return to it later, I am able to bypass that fixation due to the perspective gained in what is often just a half a day to a day or so.

Fixation (when it comes to problems) = Stagnation
Fixation (when it comes to creative thoughts) = Thick and exciting new ideas

That is all for formulaic advice today.

Big Thoughts

2009-09-13T22:05:00.000-07:00

In writing this, I realize that I am not sure where my five-year plan is – the one that I created as a part of my Survival Skills class as a junior in college, over three years ago. This is not so much a problem, considering my ideas of what I would be doing within that time have proved to be drastically different from what I ended up doing – in a great way. I am definitely curious to create comparison, but I have a relatively good idea – perform. I am not sure what the mention of my location happened to be, but location and content definitely ended up different – I found my interest in choreography quite quickly, just a couple months out of school. As school was ending, I specifically remember thinking to myself ‘choreography was fun to do in school, but just not my thing.’ As it turns out, three years from when I wrote that plan, I have produced three shows and had work in three others. Though my stream of ideas is not yet always consistent, my feelings of inspiration definitely are – I have been feeling constantly stimulated by tons of things – people, music, rhythms, situations, landscapes – I feel like I am (almost) never switched off.

Even the breeze that just hit me, as I sit here on my recently-attained Chicago patio feels inspiring. I had a moment of ‘oh no, will I regret it if I leave,’ followed by the realization that the few feelings of inspiration that I have felt in the last few days have been generated by things I could notice and feel in many places – that they are not specific to Chicago. Feeling that breeze and looking around to realize that I am sitting on a high porch of an old, character-filled brick building that soaks in the sounds of salsa and the smells of many different kinds of cuisine – THESE surroundings should make me feel inspired, yet I sit here with the feeling that this just isn’t right traipsing around through my consciousness.

I have only within the last few hours started developing the feeling of wondering about what I may miss out on if I do not stay, though again the rewards reaped from heading to what my heart tells me will likely bypass opportunities I could receive here in the short amount of time I am now willing to stay. Let’s say it was still my plan to stay until I got into the company – I think I could accomplish such I thing. Committing to staying here, I could create an amazing toehold for myself, get connected with some great people, and really get some things going. However, I can feel quite strongly that Chicago is not where my heart is. Particularly with the kind of work I want, my heart cannot be anywhere but with me at all times.

I now find myself pondering the idea that I stay a couple of months to study with JRJP, as I already have an apartment. There is a flaw to this logic – I would still need to find a job – I cannot just spend what I have to be here for a couple of months. Getting a job for a couple months then quitting seems quite silly, unreasonable and hard to attain. Let’s say I stayed two months – with two classes a week from them, I would be getting sixteen classes – I got 15 classes during the week I took the intensive, which I plan to continue taking. I keep flashing back to the idea of wanting to really learn this – which I continue to realize just does not interface with where I want to be in the next even just five years.

My natural tendency is to want to do way more than my time and my brain can actually handle, due simply to the fact that I am a motivated person with many interests. In all this thinking, I realized that I have been maintaining way too many unarranged goals with way too little order and careful thought. “I want to get an MA,” “I want to get a PHD,’ “I want to write books,” “I want to own a dance company in the Twin Cities,” “I want to do research,” “I want to perform.” Throwing in “I want to further pursue this important relationship,” was what really put the breaks on my speeding train of ideas, and forced me to sit down and think about how these things all operate together. I truly did take love, realizing it, voicing it, and most importantly to this rant, moving again, to realize all this.

Waiting for the Dust to Settle

2009-09-12T05:48:00.000-07:00

Here I am in Chicago.

Doing exactly what this title suggests - imagine that.

Waiting for excitment to drive me forward - I am not used to this unmodivated sort of feeling. Usually excitement creates inspiration (or is it the other way around? Either way;), but this time I am digging around my head and heart and not finding either.

I am doing my best to convince both that an ample amount of time is needed to evaluate the situation, but another part of my body has been operating within this equation the whole time - my gut. Friends have told me that this is a body part that people all-too-often ignore.

What this means for me is figuring out what to listen to for decision-making, and then using my head for the clean-up work (what about my hands and health, ha ha ha? I must have left them at the 4H building last week :) ). I am a mix o contractions on the issues this situation brings up - while I like to think that I do not care if anyone thinks I am a failure, at the same time, I care a great deal. This brings me to what is and is not failure - a small piece of me thinks that walking away from this new 'adventure' would be, though another knows that it is in ways heroic to listen to your heart when it is screaming at you. Within that last sentence is another issue - adventure. I have been billing this in my brain, during the months leading up to it, as an adventure, much like Calgary. Though when I think about the two (at least with what I know of the later, which is admittably little), Calgary FELT that way - that feeling of excitement and inspiration in my gut. Chicago is not feeling that way. While I know I should give it time to develop it's possibilities, it is hard to let that happen when the opposite feelings are occuring in the pit of my stomach.

I have already thought through how this feelings can be attributed to many things, both personal and professional, some of which were not operating factors as Calgary unfolded last year. It seems unwise to ignore such change and assume that I am in the same condition and frame of mind as I when I went on an adventure last year around this time. A whole year and a LOT of things have passed since then - wouldn't it be obvious to me that I would be approaching everything in life differently, even, or especially, going on an adventure?

I often make decisions because they are what SEEM like the correct path, but moreso because I am the kind of person who needs to have a plan. Having a plan, regardless of whether it is well-thought, makes me feel more calm, makes me feel like I am going somewhere and not stagnating. It seems like the reality is that making an ill-thought-out plan is not the be-all-end-all, and that having to mull through things in the same place before arriving to the correct game plan could be the proper, and even best, choice.

That brings me to thoughts on the 'what's next' idea. I have been doing a great deal of thinking this last day and a half, almost so much that my brain hurts. It took this great displacement for these thoughts to start happening, so I can at least be grateful for doing so, regardless of what the outcome becomes. It seems that there have been plain ideas ahead of me, and options I have not been considering, first off; travel. I do not know why it is in my head that I must RELOCATE somewhere to train, study, experience. If I know I want to be where I know I will land eventually, why not BE there, and travel as I can to gain knowledge? I have always put this off as something I do not have the money for, but realize that it may just be a matter of looking at how I put my money away differently. This way, I am positioned to move forward toward what I want to do where I know I want to do it, while continuing my need for adventure in small and reoccuring doses.

Other thoughts include the idea that I could be gaining here is not worth what I would be missing at home. Initially, my intentions for this relocation were to come here and stay however long it would take me to get into a company and work with them so I could have the experience of working with a paid company. This shifted from 'however long' to 'max five years' to 'max three years' to, in my mind, 'I'll try a year.' Knowing that I wish to impose these time limits, and also that it can often take people four plus years to get into the company I wish to be a part of, these ideas do not seem to align. Yes, I would love to have consistent, paid company experience under my belt at some time in my life. I keep forgetting that there is plenty of life ahead. I worry that the more set I get into my ways, the less likely I will be to pursue such ends, however, if I know one of the ways I am comfortable (and almost desire) being set in is being where I want to end up, it seems I should embrace that and work toward other ideas in that setting. It may be that my 'paid company' experience is found in what I create myself. While I would like to get it with someone else, I could also think of it in a 'why waste time' frame of mind, knowing that there any many things I want to do myself.

All these thoughts, jumbled up like cold alphabet soup....ew. So what happens now? It seems like more sinking, more thinking, gathering advice from trusted friends and letting a little bit more time pass. One thing I do know that I did not before - I would be equally as proud of myself for listening to my heart as I would be for sticking it out - maybe even more proud.

Topic

2009-08-19T04:53:00.000-07:00

Topic opic opic.

Sun through the blinds. A rare occurance not much seen in these parts at these times.

Trying to make what I want while creating the fuel that drives.

Words and sounds, scratches and drifts Drops and feelings.

Failing flowers in a dish of former food. All former at some point.

And here I sit, thinking about business.

"Field Songs"

2009-06-05T11:03:00.001-07:00

On Wednesday I attended my first dance performance since I have been back in the Twin Cities. It was at times delightful and at other times reminiscent of why I left to seek another kind of training.

The first half of the show was choreographically varied and quite engaging. "Lost Lullabies," a piece the company had performed before though I had not yet seen, was among the delightful moments. I was surprised by the use of Jack Johnson music, having figured that Carl would steer clear of pop music all together. The choreography was a perfect balance of creating its own thought line and purpose while reflecting on the musicality and narrative provided through the lyrics. When the piece moved into its second section, I felt it was just the right time to do so, though the music carried the piece on for much longer than I both expected and wished. The world that was created in the first piece was nicely deconstructed and re-built in interesting ways, but simply carried on for too long and lost me in the process.

Leslie O'Niel's piece "Trigger," forced itself to exist in suspended time. While watching the piece, I lost my sense of where I was located in both time and space, just existing with the dancer as she explored a memory that she either retrieved from long ago or simply got dropped into with a little bit of personal context. The astral quality of the music assisted in this feeling of suspension, and the memory seemed to simply fade, not end.

"A Fractured Narrative for a Sad Ending," was another piece that felt slightly too long for what it was offering. Despite this, I found myself immersed in a series of actions that at first did not seem to lend to one another, but contextualized themselves as things went along, keeping me interested for the most part and never able to guess how the next set of feelings would be communicated. The 'fracturing' lead to a lot of interesting juxtapositions between sections, causing the feelings the piece moved through to come across even more stark. I found myself most interested in the utilization of props and color - the use of a plexi-glass wall between the two main characters, which later served as a place for the smearing of paint, as well as the opposition created between pieces according to the color palates presented provided mind-bending ways for the 'fracturing' to take place. Instead of discerning a direct connection between the plexi-glass paint wall and the narrative, I was simply moved by the wall's presence and the way it was utilized, giving me a place to connect to the piece without becoming too distracted or worried by why the wall was present.

Flink's new piece "Field Songs," composed the second half of the show. Complete with a live roots-rock quartet and a dance floor of sod, this piece fulfilled its promise of being scenically and aurally pleasing. These elements were enough to make me enjoy the experience, however, I hoped for a more filled out product when it came to the choreography. The ideas being explored regarding urban sprawl and its affect upon the people of dying out rural communities are both interesting and terribly important issues, but also huge issues. When taking on such a large topic, it is quite difficult to really deliver a package of thought unless the product is very focused, and focus is what I felt this piece lacked.

On the contrary to a couple of the pieces in the first half, I left that this piece could have been longer, as there is plenty of room in this large topic to explore, but not without a clear focus. I felt that what the dancers were going through were real and important physically, but because the characters were given little chance to contextualize themselves as people, I had a difficult time identifying with what they were feeling and seeing it as important and impactful.

However, back to scenic interest, everything that was happening physically was aided by the interesting scenic ideas. One dancer spent the entirety of the piece sitting in a small 'garden,' in the middle of her concrete jungle (which took up about a third of the laid stage, the other two-thirds being grass), placing pieces of grass into the ground one by one. What an interesting physical image - one that certainly would not have crossed my mind - that just continued to pull me in and keep me involved with its presence. Additionally, the placing of pieces of concrete to create a pathway across the grass toward the end of the piece was symbolic and genuine enough that everything leading up to this action was made worth it just to get there.

All in all, the scenic elements created a great world in which to explore such important concepts, though the exploration does not yet feel complete; greater work toward making genuinely connected use of intelligent, impactful live music, and striving toward more defined characters with strong, focused messages could carry this piece even further into both the feild and our feelings.

Thoughts on Blink

2009-05-26T08:12:00.000-07:00

"Blink" by Malcom Gladwell - a great book.

"How good people's decisions are under fast-moving, high-stress conditions of rapid cognition is a function of training and rules and rehearsal." Pg. 114
*This is why we do all these things - to prepare the brain for the 'actual' situation - to know as much about as many factors as possible so that when the factors that can only be present in the 'actual situation' show themselves, you are all the more likely to handle the situation as best as you can. Adding an audience, with dance or performance of any kind, heightens the situation beyond what one is capable of feeling without that factor. One can remember from previous experiences what it felt like at that particular time, but never be able to actually put themselves in those shoes until they have been purchased and put in front of them. It is preparing the dancers for everything added in when performing (lights, the stage space, costumes, music levels, show order) that makes the addition of the audience, a non-duplicatable, one time thing, managable and even a positive additional attribute.

"Allowing people to operate without having to explain themselves constantly turns out to be like the rule of agreement in improv. It enables rapid cognition." Pg. 119
*Self-employment: The obvious benefit is getting to decide what you do yourself. An additional side effect of that is not having to explain it to anyone else. This catapults me to the last weeks of desire to be done training (explaining myself to someone else) and be off on my own (making my own snap decisions and not having to wait for permission or approval). This may be much of why I enjoy independently producing - I have people to answer to (my dancers, the theater), but ultimately I am making decisions on my own that affect the people involved.

"Once we know how the mind works - and about the strengths and weaknesses of human judgement - it is our responsibility to act." Pg. 276
*All important thoughts processed such as these are just that - thoughts - unless you take them into action. This is why I am so staunch about speaking and acting exactly the way I think is best. I do not try to push these thoughts on others, but rather, focus my energy on acting the way I wish. This way, at least I am not being a hypocrite to myself. You are the first person that you answer to, and once you have that down pat, things can radiate out if you wish them.

This book made me think a lot about how I take in information and pass it on. I know I have a tendency to make quick judgements and have spent a great deal of thought trying to figure out how I can be less abrassive in hopes of being more effective in communicating. This is all fine and good - a worthly pursuit of positive self-development - but becomes a negative pursuit when it gets in the way of honesty and efficient thought. Long story short, I am simply trying to say that no one way to think and communicate is correct. Much like most (or I argue every) things in the world, thought and communication require ying and yang. A little bit of editting here, and bit of snap judgement there, and you are on your way. As long as these actions are concious!

Beyond those thoughts, just comments on attempts to create a well-working routine. I have a decent one set up for myself - up at seven, run and exercise till 8, breakfast, work creatively until 10 or 11, depending upon what the day has in store. I try to do this six times a week, leaving one day for wiggle room. For the most part this has been sucessful, but what has surprised me is the amount of work I feel I have. Granted, I do have a show coming up, but am only doing one piece for it, so it is not like the choreographic work load is gigantic. However, when I was rehearsing and creating several pieces at a time for a singular show, I was not trying to keep myself engaged in outside creative practices like writing, music listening, etc. I suppose when it comes to that sort of situation again, I have to be willing to be flexible. When I have permitted myself the luxury of time to do such things, it is a-ok to do so. When I am in fact doing several pieces at a time, I will have to allow myself to drop some of these exercises in favor of having the time and brain-space to be thorough with the choreographic work.

Starting to think about practical work, and the theoretics have run off course. I should probably listen....

The Beginnings of a Jazz Manifesto

2009-04-24T13:00:00.000-07:00

I spent a great deal of time trying to formulate my thoughts on the Wen Wei Dance show I experienced on April 15th. Not one to normally experience a knee-jerk reaction after seeing a show, I usually need some time to mull over what I saw before I can really know my thoughts. However, the week it took me with this show seemed excessive. After mulling a bit, I realized that training deeply in a certain approach can tint your glasses. By that, I mean when I was training in a modern-based university, I saw shows like this all the time, and, while they often did not move mountains for me, they were easy to tap into, and after seeing so much of the same kind of movement, it was harder to discern that much of it seemed recycled. After spending the greater portion of a year training with Decidedly Jazz Danceworks, I noticed quickly how much the Wen Wei show seemed to look like so many of the other shows I was seeing in the Twin Cities. DJD has altered my outlook on dance quite a bit this year, for numerous and varied reasons. Not one to be short on words and definitely one to ponder my thoughts through writing, I followed these tendencies and launched into these reasons below.

CONNECTION TO AND RESPECT FOR THE MUSIC:
I am modivated to move most often by the sounds and rhythms that I hear, so to me, this is often simply the most authentic way for me to get engaged in dance (and authenticity is argueably a concept important to all dance practicioners across the board). Purpose for and connection with the music is such a large part of what is done at DJD, and this aspect of it is easily identifiable to me as the main reason why I feel personally in tune with the work. I like to dance when I am out at a club just as much as I like to dance on stage, and the common thread between those two things is music. DJD has brought me closer to using my eyes, ears and mind keenly regarding the relationship of dance and music. The Wen Wei show could have been performed in near silence, and likely would have been as affective for me as it was with the score being used, due to both the music's lackluster quality, and the lack of connection between it and the choreography and performance. Dance existing as a spawn of the music is NOT something that should be looked down upon. So many modern and contemporary schools believe that the dance should come first, and that the music should be created or found for it. While I appreciate this idea and sometimes engage in it myself, I do not think it is the be-all-end-all of dance.

VALIDITY & JAZZ:
My previous deep, institutional training was executed by a set of people in which there were many believers of the 'Be-all-end-all, music-after-movement' adage. Fortunately, there were a couple who were not so straight-lined, but in fact had their feet pretty firmly planted on the other side of the line, such as my wonderful jazz instructor Karla Grotting. This is not to say that none of the people from either side waivered over the line - there was quite a bit of waivering (and truthfully, I am coming to think that much of my choreographic product waivers in this area as well). It is to say that this line I speak of seemed quite tangible. As I got further into my schooling, I discovered that, with its respect for and connection with the music, as well as the notation of history and permission to emote, jazz dance seemed to be my most fitting form. I have since placed great importance on the continuation and development of jazz dance within the Twin Cities and in general, and have done a lot of thinking regarding how to fight of the music-after-movement skeptics. Some of the various thoughts I have collected;

- Collaboration: As a jazz dancer, you are not a 'slave to the music,' but a part of a collaboration. The musical part of the collaboration, be it in improvising or in dancing to a piece of pre-recorded music, can serve to take you places as a dancer that you may not have gone on your own.
- Versatility: Jazz music has fused with pretty much every other form of music, and if it hasn't, it can. Owning the basics of this dance form can provide a base for catapulting into new musical movement territory.
- Instrumentation: When people hear the word instrument, they think music. However, the word 'instrument' simply refers to a device. Both dancers and musical instruments (and a great deal of other such things) are devices to convey emotion, so why not explore those two devices together for a more powerful affect?
- Which Came First? Music or Movement: This can be as age-old as the chicken-egg arguement. Dance and music are inherently connected. Music cannot be made without a body, and the body often best responds emotionally to music. When seen in this light, their interconnection seems hard to deny.
- Embracing Humanness: When experiencing a dance that simply seems to be celebrating the music, if one takes into account the inherent humanness of dance and music existing as result of one another, this dance already has its purpose, and there should be no need to add on an externally-modivated purpose if the creator did not feel it necessary. This incredible humanness alone is enough to create purposeful, satisfying dance.
-Rhythm is Key: Our body runs on the rhythm of our heart. We can make rhythm with our bodies. It seems that the concept of rhythm could be the key to future permutations of dance, considering that it is always there, regardless of the status of music.
- Music & Dance Are Still Important in Popular Culture: With music, this statement seems obvious. With dance, it is becoming moreso (with positive and negative affects) due to television shows such as 'So You Think You Can Dance.' I have questioned in the last couple of years why it seems that when it comes to entertaining oneself, people do not seem to 'go out dancing' anymore. While this was a sad black hole of thought for me for awhile as a lover of social dance, it became clear to me with more thought that it is not that people do not 'go dancing' anymore, they simply refer to it as something else ('going to the club'), and execute it differently (most often more free-form than in the past, where learned, uniform dances such as the waltz, fox-trot, polka and lindy hop dominated).
- Jazz is an Audio, Visual and Corporeal History of Our Country: I don't know that this needs much justification. :) If history is not a valid modivator, why the hell do we continue to support ballet?
- Definitions: Jazz music and dance employ rather different definitions. In a way, I think that jazz music seems more open than dance to taking different fusion forms under the hood of its main title, but I also tend to think the term 'Jazz' has become a bit of a catch-all in the dance world. It seems that dance latches onto the 'jazz' title for anything that exercises counts and uses that device as a way to provide a surface-level musical connection, and this could be a big reason why certain crowds of dance enthusiasts seem to be skeptical of 'jazz.' When done properly, dance to jazz music can have such a deep, emotion connection with the music that offers performance power like no other. When seen this way, I find it very difficult to be skeptical. It will take work to well-define each, but in the mean time, I know that for me personally, being able to grasp a hold of and use this defined word of 'jazz' has become less important. As far as I am concerned, I am modivated by sound and rhythm, and much of the music that inspires me does not fall directly under the hood of 'jazz.' This does not stop the fact that it inspires me, but I think it will force me to try and find a new definition for what I seem to create. These thoughts have lead me to another word to ponder: Vernacular.
-Modern Disconnect: A modern disconnect from jazz music seems to be the attitude that it is 'sit and listen' music. Even if it is free jazz that employs close to no identifiable rhythmic structure, this music is still utterly capable of making a body want to move, and people should be encouraged to do so and in turn become an active participant, rather than to sit and be a passive observer.

DIGGING FOR INTEGRITY& HONESTY IN PERFORMANCE:
An additional side-affect that I have experienced from training at DJD this year is the desire for and practice of knowing not only the intentionof the dance, but how you fit into it. Knowing the choreographer's intention is all fine and good, but if you do not know how to make it come across, something is missing. I believe the dancers in the Wen Wei show did the best they could with what they had, which seemed to be direction lacking clarity. I saw loose relationships develop and create suggestions, but the nonchalantness of their performance against a non-changing sound backdrop made it hard to distinguish which situations were important. To find a connection between intention and performance at DJD, it is not only encouraged, but expected that a dancer actively pursues this through combinations of speaking with the choreographer, creating a back story or character for oneself, going through dances and examining the opportunities to exploit these ideas, as well as opportunities to connect with one another if that is what the dance calls for. These are just examples, but the through-line is knowing how to develop your performance so as to best communicate the idea. The movements alone are not enough - they must be executed with integrity and honesty to your background for the piece to really get the intention across. For me personally, this meant not being afraid to show emotion through my face. Overdoing it is often better than under, as overdone can be toned down, but underdone can make it hard to dig that emotion out.

THE JOY OF TEACHING:
With several opportunities to sub adult classes, I rediscovered my desire to share my passion with competent, developed people who wish to be there and absorb the knowledge. I was able to form some great classes, including specific classic exercises I plan to bring home and integrate into the workshops I will be teaching this June at Zenon Dance Company & School (a very exciting step for me).

CREATE, CREATE, CREATE, AND KEEP DOING IT:

If you want to be a choreographer, you must be creating consistently. In my mind's eye, I know this is true, but it never hurts to hear it again. A couple times. No - Consistently. I have commited myself to the idea of daily improvisation practice, and have began to read Twyla Tharp's book 'The Creative Habit: Learn It and Use It For Life,' so as to better understand myself as a creator and what I need to do to keep myself at my most productive and high-quality level.

THE BODY CAN ALWAYS DO MORE:
I am musical and connected, rhythmically correct and invested, but I can always push myself further physically. I hesitate to say 'technique,' because that causes self-doubt and gets me in my head, but thinking 'physically' makes me push further. In addition to our dance training, I took up going to the gym and taking yoga classes for a period of time, and I was pleasantly surprised to see just how easy it was to take on more. This also further developed my interest in personal training, as well as a desire to see just how much physical conditioning I can take on and what the results might be in the future. I believe that additional training and conditioning, paired with willingness to push myself physically while dancing, can take me places as a performer and movement lover in general.

TO CONCLUDE:
I enjoy chocolate-chip cookies and yet-to-be-defined baked-goods, all in the same basket.

Whaaa? I will connect this seemingly random subtitle in a moment, rest assured. Back to a previous connector, my observations of the Wen Wei show made more sense to me as I considered the fashion of my training this year. Who knows; maybe if I had been training in a modern school all year, I would have raved about it. However, I know myself well enough to doubt this. I think I have simply had the opportunity to better understand why it is that I enjoy dance, and much of that has to do with respect for and use of the music, alongside many other great reasons. As I move further on my creative journey, it seems to me that jazz as a dance form is a delicious chocolate-chip cookie, fresh out of the oven when done right (like at DJD), and that while I know I enjoy baked goods (dance/ movement creation), and am getting a better idea of what spices to add to make the product as delicious as possible, I am still figuring out the best cooking methods and what to call this delicious baked good when it is done. Regarding the place of my time with DJD on this journey, I can say with utmost certainty that I tried some amazingly delicious cookies, and am much closer to figuring out my recipe. With equal certainty, I offer that I am sure my recipe will include chocolate chips.

Double-Sided Tape

2009-04-19T10:53:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to formulate my thoughts on the Wen Wei Dance show that I experienced on Wednesday night for quite some time now. Not one to normally experience a knee-jerk reaction after having seen a show, I usually need some time to mull over what I saw before I can really know my thoughts about it. However, the amount of time this show has taken me has gotten excessive. I can only find it fit, then, to assume that I have mixed feelings. Double-sided tape.

To begin, after mulling a bit, it WAS easy for me to realize how much training a lot in one certain form can skew your perception of everything you see. By that, I mean that when I was training in mostly modern in university, I saw shows akin to this all the time, and, while they often did not move mountains for me, they were a mode of thought easy to tap into. Due to the frequency with which I saw such shows, I also noticed less when I felt that the vocabulary looked awful similar from one show to the next. Because I was seeing so much of the same kind of movement, it was harded to discern the fact that much of it, when looking in from outside, seems recycled. After spending the greater portion of the year training with DJD, I noticed quickly how much this show seemed to look like so many of the other shows I was seeing in the Twin Cities. DJD has altered my outlook on dance quite a bit this year. At least in practice. Purpose for and connection with the music is such a large part of what is done at DJD, and one of my favorite parts. I like to dance when I am out at a club just as much as I like to dance on stage, and the common thread between those two things - music. Dance existing as a spawn of the music is NOT something that should be looked down upon. So much of the modern and contemporary schools believe that the dance should come first, and the music be created for it. While I appreciate this idea and sometimes engage in it myself, I do not think it is the be-all-end-all of dance. I am modivated to move most often by the sounds and music I hear, so to me, this is simply, often the most authentic way for me to get engaged in dance. And authenticity is a concept that is arguably important to all dance practicioners across the board.

That being said, I had a very hard time with the sound scape in the show. The choreographer's notes explained that the concept is trying to explore dual cultures, being a Chinese-born Canadian. He wanted to do this though the use of Vivaldi's 'Four Seasons.' I heard the first season worked into the scratchy, repetative soundscape, but none of the next three because I had been placed into a lull by the surrounding sounds. The soundscape did very little for me because it never went anywhere. Apparently the concept surrounded the idea of a day or a year in the life of, and while I can see that one might envision such a cycle as relatively consistent, it can also be thought (and I think would be more effective) that a day or year cycle has many ups and downs, both major and minor, so why not show that? I think that came through here and there decently well in the choreography, but my ability to really bite into the dance I was watching was negated by the sound that NEVER seemed to shift. It made me think about what I was going to eat when I got home a couple times, as well as let my eyes droop more than a few times. I am not trying to say that all dance has to be directly connected to the music, but if you are going to have music, find a way to make it purposeful somehow. I almost thought that this show could have been performed in near silence and that it would have affected me nearly as well. I am simply saying that training with DJD this year has made my eyes, ears and mind keen to the purpose with the music, and really further developed my love for dance that really USES the music.

An additional side-affect that I have experienced from training at DJD this year is really knowing not just the intention, but how you fit into it. Knowing the choreographer's intention is all fine and good, but if you do not know how to help it come across, something is missing. Here, to find that, it has been combinations of speaking with the choreographer, creating a back story or character for yourself, going through the dance and examining where you have opportunities to exploit these ideas, and also finding opportunities to connect with one another as ideas or characters if that is what the dance calls for. These are just examples. But the through-line - KNOWING the ways in which how you perform can help to communicate the idea. The movements alone are not enough - they must be executed the right way to really get things across. I think that the dancers in this show did the best with what they had. I saw loose relationships develop that seemed to suggest that they were just examples of what a certain relationship can look and behave like without creating a specific story about Jane and John Doe who were dancing together. This idea was aided by some really physically interesting and innovative partnering that was executed astonishingly. Overall, I DID get the feeling that these were many different people moving through many different things, but I felt for awhile like these things were supposed to be important, considering that the choreographer returned to many specific formations and repeated certain gestures, but with the nonchalantness with which the repeats were performed, and against a non-changing sound backdrop, it was hard to try and distinguish why the repeated situations were important at all.

In regards to the 'generic people experiencing things' idea previously mentioned, I felt that the vocabulary for the most part was conducive to this, but the very beginning scene, in which the dancers walk out and stand in parallel facing forward and staring into the audience, was clique and unnecessary. I hate the word clique, and honestly belive that if something such as that was imporant to you as the choreographer to include, more power to you. However, I cannot as an audience member shake the fact that the only impact that image had on me was 'modern dance staring. 'I am every man, and I make that clear by standing here in the beginning and staring at you before I move.'' I would have been happy for them to have simply launched into the next sequence, which was one straight line running from up to down stage, which moved across from St R to St L in interesting patterns that came back later in the dance.

All in all, such observations as the one I made above are likely clearer to me considering the fashion of my training as of late. Who knows - maybe if I had been training in a modern school all year, I would have raved about it. However, I know myself well enough to doubt this. I think I have simply had the opportunity to better understand why it is that I enjoy dance, and much of that has to do with music. I felt about this show much like the function of double-sided tape; Opposed.

West Edmonton Mall

2009-03-22T19:16:00.000-07:00

The mall was a strange occurance. Just something I wanted to see (not necessarily participate in, just see), and I went out of my way to hop a bus and check it out. All the express buses the for the day, I caught the #1, an extrodinarily-long route with many stops. While this at times seemed like an inconvenience, it was really a semi-hidden, semi-obvious blessing. The ride there was in the daylight, so I was able to observe the change from downtown to outskirts, in class, in upkeep, in charm (the respective levels of the former not always in ways one would expect). Even within the edges of downtown, there were small-time, small-budget establishments whose edging on run-down gave them character rather than a sense of repulsion. I am having a hard time deciphering between whether Edmonton has hidden charm, or pockets of. I think it is pockets of; there are sections of town that seem impersonal and boxy, like the South portion we first drove into. However, there were sections of town that were positively charming, like when you come to the bridges of the river valley and first see the large river and raiven that edge directly, steeply up to meet downtown. Brilliant. I digress.

There were of course some characters on the bus. There was a man who was smiley and giggly, to the point that you could not tell if he was friendly or drunk. There was the heavily-accented but soft-spoken old Greecian woman who I sat next to, with whom I exchanged a couple of small conversations - just enough for it to be pleasant. There was the too-young-mom whose ambitions clearly got overlooked, but that was overshadowed by how much she clearly loved and enjoyed her young son, who spent the majority of the ride scream-giggling out of joy (which I surprisingly for the most part enjoyed). On the way back, there was a woman sitting next to me who inched on passive-aggressive elbow-wars (which I sometimes get pulled into, and this was one of those times). Such occurances can be frustrating, but this time they were not for me, because I was content in observing, both the negative and the positive. Both need to exist for a well-rounded world. And it of course always helps when you have prescribed the situation its own soundtrack, this time Collective Soul, self-titled. It is like watching an abstract film that has both a sound score and subconcious commentary. All if you choose to observe. I digress yet again.

My trip to the mall was also made pleasant by my bus driver, who not only made sure I understood the routes I needed, but also joked with me. I arrived at the mall 50 minutes before closing time with no stress in my heart because I knew I would not be there for long. I had come to simply observe, and that was whole-heartedly the extent of my wishes. I parted with my Greecian friend and made my way into the white stone fortress.

The best way I can describe it was that it was its own strange little world. I choose strange in the fact that, to me, it does not have a positive or negative connotation in particular, it just quirkily IS. Exists. I felt neither positive or negative judgement toward the place (as I expected to, of course the judgement being the later of the options), just strangeness. Its, strange, isolated existence, both geographically and meta-physically, were enough to baffle me and make me giggle simultaneously. I am glad for its existence, simply so I can marvel at its strangeness, and enjoy the fact that the mall that had too many stores to count, a casino, an amusement park, a water park, a skating rink, demo platforms, fountains, Chinatown, a friggin pirate ship floating in a little sea in a rotunda, and probably many other equally-baffling things that I forgot to mention, a place that probably housed many who had spent away their entire day, took me only 45 minutes and a Tim Horton's coffee (to make change for the bus of course). Though fakeness seemed to permeate the walls, as I came across both a Euro-walk and a Chinatown that wre given their character and strive toward authenticity with plastic, molded architectural likenesses on the wall, I can STILL level with the mall's existence. A slice of life. It just made me grateful for my passion to get out and see 'the real thing,' and my growing ability to see things offered for purchase as 'just stuff.' Truthfully, there was so much to look at, let alone DO, that there was to much at which to look. Though I am admittably easily-overwhelmed, this was overwhelming. For some, it must be an enjoyable experience. For others, it turns them away and toward a quest for the simple. Seemingly, there is polarity in everything; Even the mall.

Jumble?

2009-02-20T17:05:00.000-08:00

I great many days between posts. I have not had much time to process quietly to myself through words for quite a bit. The last couple weeks have been a constant stream of goings-on; this is not a complaint, but rather, just something to notice. I cannot suggest, however, that I have no strong feelings regarding what was keeping me busy. A dance festival that I had choreography in, Kris coming to visit, rehearsal for a show for DJD and classes are all REALLY wonderful things to keep busy with.

Walking home after cashing my check today from DJD, it hit me that this is my job right now - performing. I felt exhausted, and had a check in hand to compensate for said exhaustion. What a great feeling. I have been paid for dance before, but not as much (for performing) and not as regularly. It occured to me on my walk that this could be the situation all the time. Of course, I am fully aware that you can make a living in just dance, even just performing, but I have not experienced it quite as fully up until now. A good feeling indeed.

I have also had some revelations regarding teaching, as I have been doing quite the amount of subbing as of late. I always through I just did not care for teaching much and that I just was not very good at it, but that is not it at all - it was just the content of what was being taught, and to whom. I will put it this way - I am not a children's ballet teacher. I have been subbing adult funk and modern, and have very very much enjoyed myself. Beyond that, the students have enjoyed themselves as well, making it clear by coming up after class and asking where I normally teach (to which I have to sadly respond "Nowhere at the moment!") With adults and forms I am interested in, I can communicate clearly and comfortably, and can really see a change when I provide insight to the class. It is so exciting to see the concepts get embodied. I have of course experienced that with advanced dancers in the choreography that I have created, but there is just something special about seeing a beginning student have a lightbulb flash in their brain - I am usually equally to MORE excited than them when this occurs! I have been able to gather that I truly do enjoy teaching, and have made it another quest for before I leave Calgary to have solid beginning and advanced jazz classes ready to teach, to bring back to the Twin Cities. I met with Joanne about this, and she provided me some of her insight as a teacher, as well as the information that we are welcomed to check out any videos in the DJD library, which include videos of some of the company dancers teaching specific techniques (Luigi, Matt Maddox, Betsey Hauge, etc.) I have been doing my best to write down some good, solid basics of these masters to use in class, but it most certainly will be helpful to have a video to reference when really trying to get it all notated solidly. I am feeling very excited about the idea of having these solid classes to try and offer back home - try to find a Y, a studio, somewhere (I was thinking maybe Tapestry Folk Dance Center?) to offer a beginning adult jazz class so I can get the practice teaching, as well as begin to further stir interest in the form at home.

As for the next choreographic project, I suppose I should contenplate the last one before moving on. Alberta Dance Explosions went fabulously. There were a couple tech fumbles on closing night, but it was solid other than that. Our tech on that Monday night went longer than I expected, but that was due to the fact that they actually hung some specials for me, which was a lovely treat. Tech run Tuesday, public dress rehearsal on Wednesday, the same day that Kris came in. I actually felt that dress rehearsal was the best run of the piece we had. Good thing the audience was full! The audience was close to sold out every night of the run, which was also very pleasant. I had a great time getting to meet some other area choreographers and seeing what they had to offer. I also really enjoyed seeing how they ran their festival as well, as someone who would like to put together more such shows myself. The one big thing I did note was that they offered a survey to each choreographer at the end - a splendid idea, and I was sure to fill it out and return it promptly. I know I always love to get feedback, and they certainly deserve to receive some after providing us each an opportunity to showcase out work. I wanted to be sure they knew I appreciated the opportunity, so I made cards for the key players. Closing night was lovely - my dancers got me a gift (the sweetest hood-scarf ever, which has barely come off my head since then). I really appreciated it - it was me that should be giving gifts and not them, but I wrote them cards and am taking them out for wine and sushi this weekend, so I figure that is a valid thank you. I also really enjoyed receiving a check for the presentation of my work - it has kind of been a stretch of several days of payment for dance, a REALLY nice departure from the norm of not receiving paychecks. Just receiving a paycheck was nice, but the checks all being for different dance-related things was the icing on the (dance cake?) The best thing about the festival for sure was how the piece turned out. I can say honestly that I feel very sure that the piece, at its moment in time, turned out just the way it should be right now, and Kaja and Andrea performed it better than I ever could have asked for. Their willingness to be a part of the process and great decisions for active performance were overwhelmingly wonderful. I certainly had a lot of moments over the weekend of 'Wow, I am so glad I came here. I would not be here doing this festival with these wonderful people had I not come.' What a great thing to feel.

Kris' visit was very nice. It was for the most part great, good fun, and the parts that were not great, good fun were great and good in their own ways. I have really appreciated both of us being able to open up to one another more as we get to know one another better, as well as developing the ability to talk about important things when they need to be talked about, as well as when to leave them on the backburner in favor of enjoying more simple things presented in the moment. It'll be a tough three months (who ever thought I would be thinking such a thing about anyone? Certainly not me - I call that personal growth :) ) but it'll play out just fine. I am definately not wanted to wish my last couple months here away - there is simply too much to be done to be thinking in such a way.

Now that the festival is over, the focus of this big busy stretch has become Live and In Synch, the DJD educational touring show for kids. We finished rehearsal this week and had our first show this morning. The show is about an hour long, and is absolutely PACKED with material. Between the show itself, set-up and tear-down, it makes for an exhausting couple of hours. And we do it twice a day! Though I am quite tired at the end of it, I am certainly not complaining - today was awesome, and I am truly looking forward to the next two weeks. The kids enjoyed the show so much, and it is great to see very clearly that you are having an impact. I love to spread a love for dance to an interested audience, and they are certainly that. Additionally, I feel so strongly for the work that DJD is doing, and am so happy to be a part of spreading that to people. All jazz dance and music-interested people have to band together to further this fringe form. I am pleased to be doing that here, and it makes me look even more forward to doing the same thing at home.

As for the next project (finally!), unfortunately it will not be Fringe Festival. We were not selected in the lottery, and are 60th on the waitlist (unlikely in my thoughts). Despite this, I still really want to do a show that presents the work of Twin Cities jazz dance artists, especially considering that I have had solid interest from several very talented and high profile people in the community. I am trying to collect my fleeting thoughts regarding how to put this show up myself (though not by myself, as the lovely Heather Parker has confirmed interest in co-producing) in time to make something happen. It is certainly exciting, but it is another ball to juggle in a currently rather full circus. I have never had a juggling problem in the past, but have had the luxury of not having to quite as severly for the last several months, so I am going to have to get in practice. I figure I will put my all into the kids show, and once that is over, I can focus on compiling my notes and thoughts from my experience up here, while also trying to nail down some details for such a show (theater space, dates, etc). Woo!

While many things float in an undefined space for me right now, there are two things of which I am positive - I am really excited to live at home for the summer, and I am so very glad that I came up to Calgary this year!

Mumble Jumble

2009-02-01T10:33:00.000-08:00

Back to a place of 'what next?' Though this place has much more definition than it used to. I now know I am for sure going home for the summer, and the question of what is beyond is the dithering. This dithering actually feels pretty good considering I know what my most immediate action will be - to return home in June. Right now, beyond that, the options have been narrowed from what they were - no school next year. No staying in Minneapolis. So that brings me back to Calgary or to Chicago - a C city of some sort it seems. No green eggs and ham please.

I like to day dream about what will become of either option - I have been looking at apartment stats in Chicago, google-earthing, checking up on the JRJP website, looking into other dance class and company options, checking out what is out there for restuarant and catering jobs, etc, and it all feels kind of exciting. At the same time, I have been plotting my return to Calgary - where I will store the minimal stuff I will leave here over the summer, thinking about how to live closer to DJD and how much that will cost, who I will live with, etc. In thinking of this, despite the fact that I have lived in Calgary the last however long, the options of coming back here and of going to Chicago seem equally easy. Erg. I suppose I can let myself settle in a place of unknowing for now, especially considering my affinity for this place.

I did a little thinking this morning about public transit. I marvelled a bit at how I have managed to rely on it almost completely (outside the occasional ride from a friend and cab), something I have truly enjoyed and would like even better about Chicago. I say this because I know transit there is much more extensive. I have been able to rely on transit here, as everything I asbolutely HAVE to get to is manageable, but I have realized there are plenty of places I suppose I would have liked to go (even if it was just exploring the Northern quadrants a bit more), but have not out of difficulty in finding a logical and time-realistic path to get there. Do not get me wrong, I have been just fine with this situation (I have had to be, considering that my budget does not allow for a car), but I know it has in some ways limited the amount I will get to see the city before I finish my tenure living here.

In that same line of thought, I am trying to figure out how to best prioritize seeing what I would like to see in surrounding Canada before I leave. Andrea and I would like to take a trip to Vancouver for sure before we head out from here, especially considering that permanent residence in this area is not part of the future plan for either of us. I hope we pick a weekend soon - I want to make sure it happens! I am also tempted to take the ten days I have between being finished at DJD and flying home to rent a car and go crazy - drive all through Banff, up to Jasper, etc. Part of me really wants to save the money I have left (and really should), but it seems a damn travesty to already be up here and not see as much as I can before I depart. I guess this is something that can be decided upon knowing better whether I will be coming back in the fall or not. If not, which means I will be making money on a regular basis and not just in the summer, I will go!

Yes, I am using this as a way to sort out my thoughts. Another thought - I hate the idea of dreaming and planning my life rather than living it. It is easy to feel like all this thought is a waste when there are things out there to do, but entertaining this kind of thought also ignores the fact that there are limitations to everything. For example - 1. It is Sunday. 2. I do not have much in the way of money. 3. I do not have much in the way of transportation. Justifications or truths? Both? Yes.

Out.

The Figuring

2009-01-24T07:21:00.000-08:00

Figuring between 'should I stay or should I go now?' The desired answer is the former, but plans do not always form and carry themselves out because they are what you want. You can think on such things all you want, but thinking does nothing to resolve them. I often use my writing as a forum to solve my own issues, but when the issue at hand involves variables outside yourself, there is not much to be done until each variable decides to make progress on a solution. Progress on whether or not I will be coming back to Canada will be made soon, in fact, sooner than I expected, but it is nerve-racking all the same. I believe this is part of why I liked my 'I have several operating strategies,' and 'gypsying' phases of mind. With no particularly decisive feelings toward any of my options, I was free to float about them all, glowing in possibility. I suppose this is something I should check in on - better to have several options for next year than to be stuck with one desired path.

In speaking with Talia about this the other day, she had to remind me that we still have half a year left of the program, and that letting these kind of worries consume me already would be an injustice to what we already have. Ealier in the year, she had a revelation to try and live in the moment more often. I remember talking with her about this, and it certainly does only seem fitting that she offer this frame of mind to me. When thinking in this way, it is easy to also remember one of my most simple new year's resolutions - to show my gratitude more often. When considering this more, it seems that this does not only apply to showing others that I am grateful for their actions, but also to allow myself to be grateful for what I have helped myself to attain. Sure, there will always be ways that what one has in the present could be deemed better (in this situation, it would be knowing that I will be back next year), but these things should not discount what one is already in the midst of enjoying. Not allowing onself to enjoy what is already on their plate only lets the food get cold, and spoils the appetite for what might be placed on the plate later.

Keeping in mind that I seem to have done everything I can up to this point to influence the future, I am going to try and actively pursue being grateful for what is happening now.

Highlights from the Holidays

2009-01-13T19:22:00.001-08:00

The Inspiration Page

2008-12-31T10:30:00.000-08:00

An annual practice for me which has been taking place for longer than I can remember, I wrote my New Year's Resolutions today. Ever year, I go back and look at the old ones, which were formulated by evaluating my success on the previous years - kind of a positive vicious cycle. I then think through my year and decide which ones must be kept on next years list, then proceed to read all my journal entries from the last year to create some new ones. Kind of an extensive process, I must admit, but one I enjoy quite deeply. Each year, I sent out my new list to a couple of trusted and respected friends for their perusal. This year, in an effort to look back even further, I am going to post resolutions from the past three years in succession.

New Year's Resolutions 2007
LITERAL:
-Be conscious of writing, speaking and packing
-Money should not get in the way of experiences
-Rather than buying a bunch of cheap things you want, save for and make those expensive purchases
MANTRAS:
-Retain consciousness of the world around you
-Embrace spontaneity with intention; experience life
-As it happens inside and outside your control, work with change to make it positive
CHOICES:
-The choices you make are defining, but not limiting; they are just pockets out of a world where similar things are happening everywhere
-Let not assumptions interfere with your outlook
-Convention does not have to get in the way of acting, reacting and feeling the way you truly want

New Years Resolutions 2008
LITERAL:
-Give each action the amount of time and resource it deserves
-Respect the need for unscheduled time each week; maintain a weekly day off
-Allow general interests, personal goals and to-do's to operate with as much importance as work
CHOICES:
-The choices you make are defining, not limiting; they are just pockets out of a world where similar things are happening everywhere
-Resist the temptation to see life in chunks; everything is a fluid stream of happenings that need not be separated for judged ahead of time
-Life as a whole can be informed by art, which in turn becomes a part of your whole life
-Let not assumptions interfere with your outlook
-Embrace spontaneity with intention
CHANGE:
-As it happens in and outside your control, work with change to make it positive
-Retain consciousness of the world around you

New Year's Resolutions 2009
LITERAL:
-Allow personal interests to operate with as much importance as other commitments
-Be willing to dedicate time and resource toward living the way you wish
CHOICES:
-The choices you make are not limited, but defining; they are just pockets out a world where similar happenings are occurring everywhere.
-See life as a fluid stream of happenings that may not be judged or separated ahead of time
-Life as a whole can be informed by art, which in turn becomes a part of your whole life
-Let not assumptions interfere with your outlook
-Trust your instincts
-Show your gratitude
CHANGE:
-Retain consciousness of the world around you
-Relationships do not have to be life-long to be life-changing

Notice a pattern? I do.

Now, for other random inspiration;

-"Average American living standards have risen to such an extent that material goods no longer confer the status they once did." - Richard Florida, "Rise of the Creative Class"

-"Just people-watching is arguably a valid form of cultural exchange." - Richard Florida

-"Eclectic scavenging for creativity is not new." - Richard Florida

-"As much as the body requires balanced intakes, so does the mind." - Ray Oldenburg, "The Problem of Place in America"

-"Guilt's just your ego's way of tricking you into thinking that your not making moral progress. Don't fall for it my dear." - Elizabeth Gilbert, "Eat, Pray, Love"

-"We have hands; we can stand on them if we want. That's our privilege. That's the joy of a mortal body. And that's why god needs us. Because god loves feeling things through his hands." - Elizabeth Gilbert

-"There is almost a quaint correlation between what is in front of our eyes and the thoughts we are able to have in our heads. Large thoughts at times requiring large views, new thoughts, new places." - Alan de Botton, "The Art of Travel"

-"If we find poetry in the service station and motel, if we are drawn to the airport or train carriage, it is perhaps because, in spite of their architectural compromise and discomforts, in spite of their garish colors and harsh lighting, we implicitly feel that these isolated places offer us a material setting for an alternative to the selfish ease, the habits and confinement of the ordinary, rooted world" - Alan de Botton

-"Art cannot single-handedly create enthusiasm, nor does it arise from sentiments of which non-artists are devoid; it merely contribute to enthusiasm and guides us to be more conscious of feelings that we might previously have experienced only tentatively or hurriedly." - Alan de Botton

Happy 2009.

Passing Time

2008-12-16T06:52:00.000-08:00

I often think of this when I go to bed early. Why am I going to bed early? I am generally not fan of sleep, so it is not because I want to gain extra. I think sometimes people's actions are motivated by, a wish to pass time, either to get away from something that has already occurred, or to get to something they wish to occur faster.

Right now, I am wishing Friday to come quicker, so I can hop on a plane for home. "I'll Be Home For Christmas"-style, ya know? Though I seem to have a good reason for the time-passing, I hate it none-the-less. I hate the feeling that I am trying to quickly whittle away hours in favor for ones that might be better. The hours being whittled are just as valid, and have waiting just as many light-years to present their unique place in time. So why do we do this?

I think a simple answer is that we humans are often driven by emotion and not logic. With logic speaking, we should be just as present in the hours we wish to whittle as we are in the hours to which we are trying to arrive. However, that pesky little emotional center likes to put its two cents in, causing us to frequently stray from the mandates of logic.

I guess what this comes to is that it is a reasonable and balanced goal to try and achieve a wedding between these two standpoints (like the jam and peanut butter swirl jars. Wait. That was in fact ridiculous and is NOT a good analogy. I digress). While I cannot deny that I wish today, Tuesday, were Friday, today is not Friday. It is in fact Tuesday (how's that for logic, huh? HUH?). And I also cannot deny that some pretty darn good moments could happen on this here Tuesday, if I just let them.

So there it is. Equal weight on time to get to the other side. Friday, that is.

Cycling

2008-12-02T21:43:00.001-08:00

I find myself feeling odd about what fits into what time and when it does it's fitting.

Canada/ Home/ Gone Back to Canada/ Leaving Canada for Home again Very Soon/ Wanting Canada to be Home/ Not Wanting Canada to be Home/ Wanting to Follow Set Plan/ Wanting to Run Away from Set Plan

Good thing there are a lot of plans, and none of them (seemingly) set other than returning home for the summer for an onslaught of weddings. Seems simultaneously a great and silly reason to be returning home.

I see myself so transient. I can see pieces of a life accompanying such a transient self (life-long friends, family, love for the Twin Cities, dancing, desire for randomness), and now it is just a matter of figuring out how these pieces can fit when transient is not just a feeling. I suppose this move to Canada was the beginnings of transient, and it certainly is not as hard as I expected it to be, because I know now, more than ever, that home will always be there and I will probably always find ways to go. In talking with Bri last night, I also realized now, even more than ever, that I am not the only person in my life whose path has strayed from home (right now or whenever). Sarah did, Bri did, the list could go on. But we are still friends. We may be different for it, I know we are different for it. Different friends to one another, different people to overselves. Regarding this, there is truth in the idea that life naturally is a series of changes, some bigger and some smaller than others. To fear their effect on your life will only stiffle your relationships, because change happens in and outside your control.

These words could be looked on as the contents of a big pill to dissolve worry, but I do not look at them so. I see these words as the layout of a menu with several (hopefully) yummy selections.

More concretely; I want to come back to Calgary next year. I want to go to grad school next year. I want to be home for the summer. I want to go to Chicago next year. I want to be home all next year. Some of these desires are stronger than others (in fact, I would venture to suggest that they subconciously organized themselves in order of strongest to weakest in desire, but the difference in their order is quite small). One thing that can be said for sure; Any of these inside and outside of control changes will certainly keep me on a path of figuring out how my body digests the choices I have made from the menu.

Excitingthings

2008-11-18T15:13:00.000-08:00

This post isn't going to have much for eloquent words or deeply-thought out ideas. Rather, it is just going to celebrate that, after many a roadblock here in Calgary, some of said blocks have lifted to give me some really great opportunities!

- Writing for Fast Forward, Calgary's version of the Citypages. Check out my article at http://www.ffwdweekly.com/article/arts/dance/community-of-performers-2876/
This one was not that difficult - I emailed the editor expressing interest in writing, he asked for samples, I provided them, he liked them, I wrote, it got published. Sometimes, it is just nice when things work out the first time!

- Calgary Arts Development Internship: Basically Calgary's Springboard for the Arts, I am helping CAD develop their websites and Christmas arts campaign. It is great to have another place and other projects to be involved in. Check out some of my work at www.christmasincalgary.com

- Live and In Synch: This is the touring kids show for DJD. After so many stumbles trying to find legal work in this city, it is amazing to finally have source of income (well, I will in February), making me feel a bit more at ease with the financial situation. But the money is not nearly the most exciting part - the most exciting part is to have the opportunity to perform professionally for a company I respect so much.

- Alberta Dance Explosions: I found out today that the festival to which I submitted a piece of choreography a few weeks back accepted me for their show in February. Alberta Dance Explosions is a tradition here in Calgary, put on by dance institution Dancer's Studio West. I am so excited to have the opportunity to show my work here in Calgary!

To sum it up, things have gone well here the last few weeks, dictating the fact that the next few months should also go pretty fantastic! I am honestly relieved to be returning a bit to my more scheduled self, but not at the rate that I had been before leaving Minneapolis (I think I have learned my lesson. At least I say that right now!) I am so fortunate and grateful to have opportunities that give me things to think about, care for, and spend time on, pushing me further within the things I love.

Happy day.

Day of Inspiration

2008-11-15T17:38:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was quite the day of thought, inspired from many different sources.

Instead of attending our regular Friday class, me and my fellow DJDer's attended a conference called 'On The Move,' a seminar for emerging dancers and graduating dance students about how to launch their careers. Put on by the Alberta Dance Alliance and held at the Alberta Ballet studios, the day consisted of several different workshops and a yoga class at the end.

While the classes ranged from a psychology of loving oneself and one's work, to injury prevention, to contracts and legality, the session I enjoyed most focused on creating and producing work. Though I was expecting from the description something other than I got, this worked in a positive way. I was expecting a class on the steps to self-producing a project, and ended up with an open-ended discussion with the artistic director of the Alberta Ballet and a well-known independent dance artist here in Calgary who works quite a bit with video. It was truly inspiring to get a chance to ask questions of these two people who had been through so many stages and ups and downs to get to their success points as choreographers. We discussed their thoughts on the point where one goes from 'emerging' to 'established,' and I asked about their thoughts on how you know or find out whether or not your work is 'worth it' when you are still in such an early stage that you have not yet applied for a grant.

It was great to hear, from their experiences, that you have to keep reinventing, remain curious, and continue questioning yourself, because when you stop doing that, you stagnate. Even for well-established people such as themselves, they admitted openly to failures, even recent ones, suggesting there is no such mark as 'unstoppable;' even the established continue to have ups and downs. I had some really nice chats with many of the presenters after their workshops, and the whole day left me feeling all-around warm and fuzzy. It was so nice to get a chance to immerse myself a bit deeper into the community here. Though much of the information I had heard many times before, the value sprung from the fact that it was coming from new people in a new place, creating for me new perspectives.

Similarly inspiring yesterday, surprisingly, was my late-night trip to a bar near to our house. Cale, Rebecca and Steph got off work while I was having a glass of wine, and were attending a going away party for a friend from work at this bar across the street. I figured 'what the hell, I have no excuse; money is ok, I can walk home, and I have nothing to do tomorrow. Can't really back out!' On Friday and Saturday nights, they hire in a DJ and the bar becomes more like a club, so needless to say, there was much dancing to be had.

I ended up spending most of the night on the dance floor (which does not stray from the usual for me), but quite a bit of that time running around like a loon and insisting that everyone sitting in relatively close proximity to the dance floor would have to get up and join me. And guess what; it worked! Most everyone I approached gave in, including two black gentlemen that appeared to be from elsewhere. I could just tell they wanted to dance, but at first could not decide if they were avoiding the dance floor because they thought they were better than everyone else cutting it, or if they were self-concious in that particular setting. Turns out it was self-conciousness. When the Bob Marley came on (stereotypical, but I am just telling it like it happened), they busted out the moves.

I was happy to see that they had joined me, and made sure to let them know by coming to jam with them. Turns out, they in fact had moved about a year ago from Africa. There was a bit of a language barrier, and that may be part of why they hung back, but I found out in a bit more time that they are living with two dorky, awesome Canadian guys who were also there that night ( and who I also eventually got on the floor!) They were all-together just a cool bunch of guys, and when they got going, they got going and blew everyone else out of the water. Except for me of course, and that was soley because I am not afraid to be ridiculous and move huge. All in all, I stirred the dance floor up a bit and I think a lot more people left feeling happier because of it.

Ah, The Power of Dance. Not Cheese. Dance.

Remembrance Day

2008-11-11T20:03:00.000-08:00

In hopes of insisting this day exists as much more than just a day off work, I took myself out to one of Calgary's many Remembrance Day observances. In the time leading up, I found myself thinking that this day must be looked upon with more intention than back home, even just if for the higher quota of poppies-to-people I have seen in my own country.

Needless the say, my assumptions were proven correct - at just one of the celebrations in the city, the one I attended in Memorial Park at the intersection of 4th St SW and 12th Ave SW, there were about 2,000 people in attendance. I overheard a conversation surrounding the fact that the observation at the Military Museum on Crowchild was expecting to draw 60,000. I couldn't help but feel awash with pride; that is, until I remembered that I come from a country where this day, our Veteran's Day, often IS looked upon as another day off.

Listening to the bagpipes bring in group after group of different service-men (Royal Canadian Mounted Police, EMS Honor Guard, Korean War Vets, etc.), I could feel the importance of this day surging through me. Despite the large amount of time and brain power I have spent trying to understand the idea of trading in human lives to solve conflict, I do not know if it is a concept I will ever be able to comprehend. However, regardless of your outlook on our current situations and the theoretics of war, these people need to be looked upon with respect, and remembered and honored for what they have been willing to sacrifice as people.

In reading the Globe and Mail today, I noticed a comment on a story regarding the holiday (nonetheless, the front page story) that noted the poppie as 'an outdated icon that stands for wars past, which should be abandoned in favor of focusing on the ones happening now.' I was appalled a such a suggestion. While I consider myself a relatively progressive person with some opinions and ideas that one might even called radical from time to time, I have an important place in my heart for the observance of tradition (which was probably bred by heavy involvement in marching band, years of 4H, and a family that is absolutely Christmas crazy.) That is not to say that I am in favor of blind observance of tradition, but rather, the kind of purposeful and thought-through observance that serves to pass along histories and ideas that are important to a culture and to the cultivation of people to lead it. Today's observance fit this description, and the amount of people there to be a part of this exchange was truly inspiring.

This sense of inspiration carried me to further thought regarding the condition of the United States' armed service celebrations. In witnessing such an ourpouring of attention, observance and thought here in Calgary, Canada on Remembrance Day, I was at first ashamed by how Veteran's Day seems to go unnoticed by so many. This train of thought did bring me to the realization that the United States has both Veteran's Day (November 11th at 11:11am, a celebration of what it recognized around the world as Armistice) and Memorial Day - one day to celebrate those who are still with us, and another to remember those who have passed on. While this realization DID make me feel a bit better about the seemingly smaller amount of attention given to Veteran's Day, it also spurred me on to the thought that there would be no harm done in celebrating BOTH of our days with the passion and dedication akin to what I witnessed within our Northern Neighbors today.

So take these days as opportunities to say a prayer to those who have served, and while you are at it, lace up your shoes and hike on out (or drive if you must :) ) to an observance event. Though 'another day off work' is always nice, it is because of these people that you are free to try and work whatever job you fancy. You will end up being really glad you took the time; I know am.

Mmm Hmm 2

2008-11-09T07:31:00.001-08:00

Our Hotel in Lake Louise

Dessert at the ridiculously amazing Walliser Stube Restuarant

Consuming above dessert

And amazing food below

Said food below

Mmm Hmm

2008-11-07T19:56:00.000-08:00

A Visit from Familiar

2008-11-03T14:30:00.000-08:00

It has been awhile since a screen has witnessed my typing fingers creating updates or musings to send into the cyber world to reach those who wish to find them, one of the more familiar feels I can identify in my being here. In the past several days, my sense of familiarity here in Calgary was interupted by the introduction of former-familiar in the shape of a visit from home, jumbled together with a healthy helping of the unexpected through pursuit of new opportunities and places. Here is an account of this jumbling;

In regards to the internship situation, I had my interview with Calgary Arts Development today, which went very well and more like what I was expecting. It sounds like I would be doing primarily website content research and copy writing, which would be awesome! Thanks very much for the advice regarding the other internship. I told CAD that I would get back to them by Wed of next week (same day I am to get back to Arusha) so I would have time to find out about the show and decide which org I liked better, but I can already tell that CAD would be a better fit. I think social justice is something I am interested in injecting into my daily personal life as much as I can, but my working passion lies in the arts. Plus, CAD feels much more organized and as though I can better adjust the projects according to my time availability - I am here primarily to dance, and as much as I want to use my time well outside of it, I do not want to be bothered by other commitments making me feel too stressed out to enjoy dance - I can see this happening at Arusha. I am still going to wait to hear about the show (hopefully tomorrow), and then better make a plan for how I can help, but I think I am pretty set on CAD.

I am REALLY hoping for the show with DJD - it is a rehearsal period of two weeks for a kids show on jazz dance and music history that tours to elementary schools throughout the Calgary area. It would be professional pay and professional level work with the company - both amazing things. The only problem - my work situation. I do not have a work visa, which would make it very hard to find a way to pay me. I have been very worried about that factor keeping me from being cast. We find out tomorrow, so I guess I can stop worry then. I have just been trying my best to remain optimistic in light of the difficulties I have had finding both legal and illegal work, and I am having a very hard time continuing my optimism, considering that being selected by audition seemed like a really solid possibility for legal pay here, and it has seemed within this last week after auditioning that it would not be simple to find a way to pay me. I really want to be in this show regardless of whether or not I get paid, but it has been another reminder of how difficult the work situation has been. I was actually also being considering by another studio to teach adult jazz classes, and they ended up not hiring me because of legal implications, even though they pay in an independent contractor relationship and do not interface with taxes. I have pretty much given up on the job at the theater - I emailed last week to check in, and my boss said that his boss still hadn't signed the papers and that he would remind him. I have been strung along for about a month and a half now, and cannot take it anymore. This week, I am going to email my boss there to tell him that I would like to be reduced to volunteer level, and no longer want to waste my time hoping that a job will pan out. On the brighter side, along with the possibilities of internship, I have been accepted as a dance writer for what is basically their version of the Citypages, called 'FFWD,' (Fast-Forward). My first article is a preview of a show at the University of Calgary in a few weekends called 'Dance Montage,' and is due on Friday for a Nov 13th publishing date. I am very excited about it!

On the roommate situation; Jayla She said she would move out by October 31st, which actually turned into Nov 1st, but I luckily avoided most of the moving out situation, in the fact that Kris was here this weekend and we went out of town - what timing, hey? She (Jayla) did start moving stuff out last Sunday when I was home just lounging, which was quite awkward. Luckily, she had a friend there helping her, so it was probably more awkward for me than it was for her.
But alas, apparently everything is finished because we left on Saturday to go to the mountains, and when we got back, she and all of her things were gone, and our new roommate Cale (a friend of ours from my roommates work) was moved in. Sweet. And I am assuming that everything has been figured out with deposit and what not - Rebecca has been the one dealing with house business, so I am assuming that its all gravy. I am just glad it is all done. I like Cale quite a bit. I just hope that the house stays relatively clean. Jayla's desired level of cleaniness was quite high, even I, a clean-freak will admit, but I do like to have a general feeling of cleanliness. I think it will be fine! I have kind of been wanting to send Jayla a text just to say 'Hey, hope the move went alright, stay in touch because I would like to see the new place and grab a coffee,' but I have not yet had a chance to talk to my roommates about how it all went, and I want to do that first before I say anything.

I feel like I missed so much in one weekend away (Jayla moving out, Cale moving in, big Halloween party), but I will just have to get the update from my roommates when I presumably finally see them all together on the way to dance tomorrow. Kris came in on Wednesday, and my friend Lisa from dance was kind enough to lend me her car to go up to the airport and pick him up, which was certainly faster that public transit would have been. In exchange for the favor, we picked her up a caramel latte on our way back into town after dropping off Kris' stuff at the house. That afternoon, we went to a pub I wanted to try, walked all over downtown so I could show him around, stopped in at a jazz and wine bar for a glass, and then had dinner at the rotating resturant in the Calgary tower - very touristy, but awesome and also highly recommended by Joanne, one of my favorite instructors and a trusted opinion on Calgary. I usually take night classes on Wednesday and Thursday nights (well, every night!) but I spoke with my teachers and opted to skip them while Kris was here because I wanted as much time as I could have. It was not a big deal, as several people in my program have had significant others visit, and it has been established that that is a good reason to miss class, especially when you never do miss (like me!).

On Thursday, he came and watched the last hour of morning class, and then we went walking in the Kensington neighborhood, another one of the trendiest (alongside the area where the studio is) areas in Calgary. We had lunch out, and then went back to my place to have people over to carve pumpkins and drink. We were going to go to a haunted maze, but never made it. I was sad we missed that because I usually go to something like that every year, but the good times had pumpkin carving totally made up for it.

On Friday, I met up with him downtown after morning class because he picked up a car for the weekend. We stoppped for lunch (we had been using this book on cheap, great eating in Calgary written by the Calgary Herald food critic, lent to me by my friend Kaja, to find most of the places we went), and then I showed him the Farmer's Market and Glenmore Reserve, a park that reminds me of Lake Calhoun with mountains. That night we just chilled, watched movies, caught up on email and handed out candy to trick-or-treaters, until we went out around ten. We hung out wirh my friend Andrea from dance and some of her friends till about midnight, then drove back to the house to cab over with my roommates to a house party of someone who they work with. Needless to say, we never made it out to the bar, which was what I really wanted to do for Halloween, but it was fun nonetheless. We ended up at this party until about 3:30, and really wanted to leave but could NOT get a cab no matter how hard we tried. We ended up deciding that it really wasn't that far from our house (and in actually, it was VERY close. Close enough that I kind of wish we would not have even cabbed in the first place!) and ended up walking ('We' being Cale, Rebecca, Kris and I). Kris and I got ahead of Becca and Cale, and ended up deciding, after walking for about ten minutes and being about ten minutes from the house, that we needed to stop for another beer. We sat down in the CIBC Bank parking lot and cracked one open, and when Cale and Becca walked by, we convinced them to join us. Despite the fact that it was quite cold, we were tired and QUITE drunk, we enjoyed that beer and randomness immensely!

On Saturday, we got up and stopped at a truck-stop for breakfast (the Blackfoot Diner, amazing and so cheap!) and then continued on to Banff National Park. It was amazing! We stopped in Banff for a bit and did a quick hike up an easy mountain to see the surroundings, and then continued on to Lake Louise, where we were staying. That night we went to dinner (Kris was super-excited and had had it planned for quite awhile) at the Walliser Stube in the Chataeu Lake Louise hotel at the foot of the lake. It was one of the coolest dinners I have ever experienced. It was a Swiss fondue restuarant - I guess fondue originated in Switzerland, but it basically indicates the fact that each bite of food is prepared separately - dipping chunks of things into sauce is not the only kind of fondue, apparently. We had the 'Racllette,' which was originated by Swiss mountaineers in Canada who melted chunks of cheese on rocks in the sun, and scrapped the cheese, just as it was getting drippy, onto plates of pickles and potatoes. We had a full, several course option, which included two salads, to appetizers (smoked trout and a rabbit tart), the main course (which was the dripping cheese - made to drip by being placed under this big contraption where you place the block of cheese on a wood paddle underneath a heater, served with a platter of veggies including pickles and potatoes, a basket of bread, and a platter of air-dried beef, pork and ham), and a dark chocolate dessert fondue. In short - AMAZING. I have never experienced a meal like that before, and it was seriously all-together too much food - we could not take it all down!

The next day, we got up for the sunrise, which was too fogged-out to be seen, and ended up going back to the hotel to sit in the hot tub instead. After we checked out, we went back to the lake to do a half-day hike around the lake and up one of the mountain ranges toward the 'Plain of Six Glaciers,' which looks exactly how it is described. We did not make it ALL the way to the prescribed destination, but we did see the glaciers, and decided to respect our bodies getting tired. The hike was about four and a half miles total (we only cut out the last half mile), so we felt accomplished nonethless, especially considering that the whole hike was rainy and mildely icey, dangerous terrain. However, the temperature itself was quite pleasant and bearable. The hike was really fantastic - whenever you looked up, back at your stared a ton of huge, snow-covered mountain peaks. I had never been that close or that surrounded, and it was truly an experience that I would like to repeat. We headed out of the park that night about made it back to Calgary around 7. After a crammed weekend, we decided to just stick at home and make chili, drink a bottle of wine and watch a movie - all good choices.

He flew out at 1 today. I do have to admit that I miss having him here already, but we had a really great time and I am so glad he visited. I will be back in three and a half weeks for Thanksgiving, so its not that long until I get to see him again and get to see my family for the first time since I moved :)

All in all, though I do miss people from home, Cannukland has been an adventure, which is exactly what I was looking for and not regrettable for an instant thus far. After all, familiarity must be tinged with the unexpected to retain and develop it's flavor.

Creating Inspiration

2008-10-26T21:14:00.000-07:00

It has been doing it for itself. In other, more intelligible words, I mean that the outside sources I have been cultivating have been creating inspiration themselves, so this creation has not been an outward act, but more of a happenstance. It is nice when it is like that.

I just finished reading two books - "Pontoon" by Garrison Keillor on Saturday, and "American Myths: What Candians Think They Know About the United States" today. "Pontoon" got me all Minnesota-reminiscent, a lovely feeling. It is good to ponder on what it is about home that makes it so. I have been exchanging thoughts with Nikki (the friend recently relocated to Australia) about what makes a place what it is, and she suggests that it is the people. I have found that to be both true and untrue in the last few weeks. In thinking about it, indeed, Minnesota is as mystical as it is for me largely due to the people that make the surroundings what they are. However, the starting place for Calgary is just the opposite - dance, the thing, the action, is making Calgary what it is and is giving it a reason for existence in my life, and the people have worked as enriching forces. In thinking about it that way, I am certainly getting my share of people suppliment up here - I have been fortunate to have amazing people at DJD and pretty great roommates. We have our rough patches, but we remember and remind each other that we would do just about anything for one another, and everything is ok. It is interesting to wonder, if put in a different set of circumstances with certain people, would they develop the same kind of importance to you? To be honest, had I gone to high school with them, I do not really know whether or not I would have gravitated toward any of my roommates. But out of circumstance, we ended up living in a house together, and for that, we have become important to one another. But I do know that their ridiculousness and openness sure has made it easier. Back to topic; I guess I am finding that places really combonation of actions and people - it is all just a matter of circumstance and perception; all the same, action/ people are two good ways to analyze this.

I have been having occasional thoughts recently of important people in my life whom I do not have regular contact with. I think the creation of seperation has pushed my mind to think in different patterns, and has brought my thoughts to these people. It is nice to take occasional checkpoints with these kind of people; the ones you know will be around forever, despite the amount of time that passes between contact. I sat down to write Kim McAndrews and email, and several huge paragraphs just spat themselves out. I could have gone on with each topic much longer than I did (not that I am longwinded - ever - No sir), but I did not feel it as a necessity - Kim and I can provide thoughts on things, that is enough, and we can jump in where we left off. Yup. She is a lifer. Another lifer - Bri. Bri called me at 1:20am here on Friday night/ Saturday morning. As I had been in the middle of a deep sleep, it would have been easy for me to ignore this call, but I thought better of it because it was Bri - that is saying something! We talked for an hour, and it was so nice to chat with her again. The reason for her lifer-status - we can tolerate each other like no other. We know when we annoy each other, but accept those things as personal habits that are a part of the whole of the person we really like. Another lifer - Sarah. Talked to her for an hour on Saturday, and the last time I talked to her was the beginning of the week. I notice that there is really no pattern here regarding frequency of communication - sometimes you can just feel effort.

Back to sources of inspiration - the books, music, news, etc, that I have been immersing myself in lately have really spurred me to create connections between thoughts and feelings and desires and observations. The more knowledge I take in, the more I realize that everything I care about is interconnected. Politics = dance = social critique = human interaction = push toward justice = fair consumer habits = discussion = thought. All full circle. I have been feeling really modivated to lay foundations for all these interests. I have been doing an especially large amount of thought on communcating the validity of jazz music and dance. I feel as though leaving here, I will have a gamut of well organized and supported thoughts I can use to support this art form I love so dearly, and to use these thoughts to lay a groundwork for bringing them back to the public of Minnesota.

Now I am just spurring random thoughts. These writings today seem to have no thesis, just as my brain did not all weekend - jumping from this program to this song/ cd to this movie to this book to the next thing that caught the frenzy of my brain - not a feeling I am used to, particularly in phase where I have plenty of process time. Could be good.

Could be good.

Went pumpkin shopping with Rebecca and Steph and our future roommate Cale on Saturday afternoon. I talked them into hauling ass to the Farmer's Market, rather than just going to the SuperStore. I think they were pleased we made the journey (it does not take a Harvard physcologist to notice that the Market has quite a bit more charm than a big-box retailer such as the SuperStore), but it was a shame that we did not have more time, as Steph had to get to work. None the less, we had a wonderful time enjoying the fall sunshine and good temperature, picking out the most endearing pumpkins that, despite their positive qualities, would still be subjected to the point of a carving knife, and making fun of each other. This, to me, was a perfect activity for a waning fall afternoon, and it made me happy to be enjoying it will my housemates. Fall and early Winter have a kind of active nostalgia that no other time of year can boast. Well, I stand to correct myself already - Summer has its moments, but the moments are of a different quality. I am looking forward so greatly to Thanksgiving with my family, beers with pals at Town Hall, Christmas shopping, putting up the tree, peppermint patties with dad, making gumdrops. Within all this foward-looking, I am simultaneously enjoying the present that is being created here in the great place of Calgary, Alberta, Canada, North America, Earth, World.

Activity or People? Why not both? . . .

Thoughts on Idle-ness

2008-10-22T14:57:00.000-07:00

There ARE things to be said for idle-ness - relaxation, checking back in with oneself, accomplishing those tasks that have been missed out of busy-ness, etc. However, there is an extent to which idle-ness is productive. Beyond that extent, it is just plain frustrating.

I have never been one for much free time (or sleep, really), so it is not surprising to those who know me well that I am beginning to get frustrated with the amount of time I have. However, it is not so much the amount as how I have been using it, as I have recently identified within my mind.

I look upon myself as someone who needs an amount of time dedicated to helping others, even if it is just serving them food or a cup of coffee. As of late (aka being in Calgary), almost all of my experiences have been self-centric - dance classes, reading up on my interests, writing. These are all fine and good (great actually), but there is only so much I can do of each in my 'free time.' Instead of letting this sinking feeling set in as boredom, I have decided to re-evaluate, and have come to the fact that I could be using this afternoon time I have every day at an internship that I have always wanted to have, but have either needed the time to get paid or to do dance-related things. Now, with a heavy load of dance-related things going on and an inability to get paid, it seems to be the perfect time to take advantage of such opportunities. Today, I sent inquires to FFWD (like Citypages) about doing dance reviews, and to Alberta Human Rights Commission, Calgary Slow Food, Calgary Square Dance Club, Ashuna (community organizing org), and several other orgs around here about volunteering. I offered up my 1-5 daily, hoping that someone will bite and I can feel better about my time while simultaneously cultivating an interest.

Bouts of Nostalgia

2008-10-20T13:13:00.000-07:00

Zac Hanson's bday is in 2 days. I have been having some serious bouts of nostalgia as of late. I think it has mostly been triggered by music, which speaks to its power. Listening to Coldplay's "Rush of Blood to the Head" album and Jack Johnson has catapulted me back into my freshman year of college. It seems equally so close and also distant.

I have had very vivid images, daydreams, of the moments right after my last final of my very first semester of college, my Poli Sci bluebook final. One of the last to finish, I trudged my way down to the bus stop. It was quietly dark for so early in the evening, fivish, and the snow glistened just moreso for this and the orange glow of the street lights as it fell softly, but even more notably; consistently. I remember thinking that the world could not possibly get much more enchanting than this, with not only snow, but the promise of warm, familiar home and warm familiar people hanging in the air. I rememer feeling a painless confliction of wondering what I wanted more; to stay in that same spot for hours, or for the bus to come and carry me to the car that would carry me home. I think I wanted the best parts of both to suspend in that percarious moment in time.

This memory must have been only a few days previous to the last; once again, a slight chill in the air (nothing that mittens couldn't cut through), snow on the ground and in the air, and painting the window panes in a way that transports you, if they are wood, back to some simpler, unidentifiable time in the 1800's, feeling slight warmth against your back from the fire burning. Or maybe it is the people in the room? Regardless, my math flashcards had me glued to a big wooden bench-booth, all alone in the old Purple Onion, drinking a K-Chai (chai with a shot of espresso). Chai was a newly-discovered delicacy, introduced to me by my new frien Britt, formerly Brittany. I enjoyed hearing the muffled drift of speech from the booths in the front and back of me, and to either of my sides, including the severe amount of open space to the left, the part of the shop that opened as a void to the counter from the door to my kiddy-corner right. Beyond that were a set of stairs that led to the narrow next room. (Listening right now to a Radiohead track off "Hail to the Thief," another extreme-nostalgia inducing CD. It is on the 'Dot' compliation from Adam, which I may switch from because it causes memories, but I will hold off. Right now, they are just feeling pleasant and somewhat far away). The narrow room held a conversation with someone important to me at the time, I believe it was Adam that following Spring. While the chatter broke up my studying, I didn't mind. I seemed to be able to drift between that and listening bemusedly to discussions, some presumptuously academic, which were equally as enjoyable as the discussions of last night's drunk and high-ness. I remember feeling strangely content, despite the massively-frightening math test ahead of me. At those moments, I just seemed to know that it would come and go as all things do, and it being gone would mean me being home to enjoy what seemed to be a promise of endless-feeling days of abandoning the responsibility that I had began to gather in the past few months.

The creation of thoughts in a supposedly-simple life

2008-10-14T14:45:00.001-07:00

It has been interesting in the last few days to be exchanging words of advice and encouragement with my friend Nikki, who has recently moved to Australia to work for a year. Funny enough, I have met three people here within the last week who recently took a year to just go and work in Australia for the hell of it. I mentioned to them all that I currently have a friend there doing the same! It seems as though it is quite easy for Canadians to get a simple work permit that just allows them a certain amount of time to go do money work - ie, pub, restaurant, etc. It is too bad Decidedly Jazz Danceworks isn't in Australia - It sounds like it would certainly make it easier for me to get a friggin job!!! It is interesting how connecting to someone else in a similar situation can help you figure things out - after reading Nikki’s blog about realizing how places attain the character you see in them by the people that occupy them, I ended up being more social on the weekend than I planned. An opportunity on Monday came up to go out to lunch with one of my roommates and a friend of hers from work. I was going to say no because I had already eaten, but remembered your words about people and palce, and decided 'what the hell. I will just go have a cup of coffee.' It was a really fun, nice and casual time, and it was nice to spend some time with others on a 'holiday' (Canadian Thanksgiving was yesterday). They even bought my share! And then, in the evening, I ended up accepting an offer from a girl I am in the dance program with here to go to the house of friends of one of her friends from high school. She only knew one other person there besides me and I only knew her, but we ended up having a mighty good time, and I was so glad I said yes. I feel I should thank her for the wise words on people - I have a feeling establishing a sense of home will come even easier the more I allow myself to expand my people horizons.

The grad school process has been frustrating as of late. I feel like, with Mills, that I am trying to get a hold of an irresponsible teenager. They have been sooo terrible with calling me back and emailing me back. I emailed them what was now a week and a half ago about the possiblity of changing one of my references, and I have STILL not heard back. It is an extreme turn-off to me to feel like I am chasing the school down. I also have not yet heard back from the reference who I accidentally assumed would be able to write a letter. I think I emailed her back about three weeks ago and have not heard anything, so I have made NO progress in that arena. It is just frustrating when you are waiting upon the efforts of others, and not out of your own procrastination. Now, I am starting to feel somewhat paranoid about the idea of an incomplete application. I realize that it is not due till Feb 1st, but I just want it done, and to know it is done. On top of that, to Mills I have to submit a technical modern sample, I which I feel I cannot obtain a good one until I go home in November to take class with a specific teacher there. So I am waiting on some letters from other people, and on myself to get this technical sample done. Oi.

I am VERY excited for Kris to visit. It will be nice to have a piece of home come here. I am am already crazy with the list of things I want to do while he is here, and I am sure we will not be able to accomplish it all. We are both trying to figure out what the hell we are going to dress up as for Halloween. He thinks he wants to be a Texas Oil Man. I find it hard to figure out how he will distinguish a Texas Oil Man from a Calgary Oil Man, as they sure have plenty of those here.

Bad news about my job - it turns out that we are not even at the 'government phase' yet - my papers have not even left the desk of my boss' boss. Frustrating. He told me this on Friday, and I ask him if he thought it reasonable for me to ask to be taken off the schedule until the papers have at least been sent in to the government. From there, then I know that I am only waiting on the government, but to be waiting on my own company seems ridiculous. I do not feel up to this point as though I am being used, but I do not want to even let it get intp that territory. As it stands, I have been working there about 15 hours a weekend for a few weekends now, enough to have made several hundred dollars. So I told my boss that if he gets in a major scheduling pinch, I will of course come in and help, and that I feel a committment to the place and fully intend to volunteer even if the papers do not go through, but that until I know which way it will go, I cannot be coming in at a level that can be deemed part-time. When I am simply voluteering, I do not intend to give 15 hours a week. He saw this as totally reasonable, and hopes that this will possibly light a fire under his boss' ass. His boss is the managing director of the theater, someone who I guess consistently overlooks the importance of the Front of House, so he is not surprized by this, but definitely frustrated like me. The first show of the season just closed this weekend, so next weekend they are dark anyway, so hopefully something can be done about this in time for the next show to open, so I know my status. I did, however, clean for the artistic director fo the dance company Friday afternoon, and additionally, I am babysitting my teacher Joanne's kids on Saturday night. Hopefully the word will spread that I am the 'odd job' girl, and I can make my money that way.

As for my classes; I would have to say that my favorits have come to be Joanne's Monday and Thursday night jazz classes, and my African class on Tuesday nights. Joanne is just the wonderful mix of modern and classic jazz that I love, and the set of live drummers in the African class are just incredible. I had taken African before for a semester at school and a few classes here and there (including at DJD when I went a few summers ago), but never got real deep into it. This time, I feel like after a few consistent weeks, I am latching on, letting go of some of my upright Western dance habits, and really just connecting with the music and the ground and my classmates. It is a definite treat. And it is nice that the class is the 6-7:30 slot - I have class from 6-7:30 and 7:30 to 9 on Wednesday, and leaving that late can be hard on the body and mind, especially considerin that I do not then get home until 10, as my commute is nearly an hour. I have actually also really enjoyed taking two tap classes a week as well - I kind of forgot how much I like it! It is like riding a bike in a way - you do not forget how to do it (it comes back), but it is easy to forget how enjoyable it is until you try it again.

My weekend definitely had its moments. I was supposed to be going to Edmonton with my roommate Rebecca who is from there, but I could sense that she wanted some family time, and I can totally understand that. So I picked some shifts back up at work that I had given away and worked Friday and Saturday night. I had Saturday day, and Sunday and Monday all day to myself - quite the chunk of free time I mist say. Saturday, I went back to the farmer's market and had a fantastic coffee, took the bus back to my area library and picked up some new materials, and then had to set out to find a particular postal outlet to pick up a package my parents had sent me with my witner coats and things (which I am so glad to have gotten, because it is getting chilly up here!). I ended up stopping in a wine shop to ask for directions, and it just so happened that they had a big ole' tasting going on, complete with some delectable appetizers. Needless to say, I left 45 minutes later quite a bit tipsy. Now that I actually have some free time in my life, I figured it makes sense to embrace such random experiences, yes?

Saturday night after work, I ended up going out with my roommate Steph and one of our friends from DJD whose sister was in town for Thanksgiving. We took a cab out to a 'pretty people' club (at least that is what I call it) downtown called The Roadhouse. It was definitely a good time and we danced up a storm, but by the time Steph go off work and we took a cab there, and then waited in line outside in the shivering cold for 20 minutes, it was 12:30. The club only stayed open until two. So, after adding up cab fare, a couple drinks and coat check, I spent $35 bucks that night. I am not used to having a night out be so costly (and I did not even buy my own cover) so that kind of outing is going to have to be a once a month kind of thing for me. It is just that there is so much money floating around these parts from oil that it seems people have no big problem dropping a couple hundred bucks on going to the bar a few nights a week. Crazy people. Anyway, we ended up sharing a cab home with three lacrosse players who were in town for a game that weekend, because their hotel was literally two blocks from our house. They were a bit crazy, one of them got in a fight over our cab and ended up dripping blood a few places around our house. Charming, really. This was the same one who, after I went to bed because I was sick of dealing with him, asked Steph if I had a boyfriend, and then if I was a virgin. Our house has quite thin walls, so I could hear every damn thing he was saying, and being the person I am, could not just let if fly. I busted out of my room and called him out on it, after which he informed me that 'dancers are the best lays,' and said 'come, on, if your boyfriend isn't serious, why can't we have some fun?' I proceeded to slap the bitch, tell him to fuck off, and went back to bed. Steph and I, a few minutes later, gladly rounded them up and walked them back to their hotel. Ahh, peace at last.

On Sunday, I went to breakfast with Kaja and Meredith for Kaja's birthday, and spent the great majority of the day then reading, catching up on some email, watching movies, that kind of thing. I also spent some time dealing with a dramatic roommate – the shit hath hiteth the fan. I sent an email to my landlord and an email to her, now it is just a waiting game. The long into short of it is that she told Rebecca Thursday that if things do not change in two weeks, she has already found a place and is moving out. After chatting the best we could (being that Talia and Rebecca were home this weekend for Thanksgiving), we have all basically decided that we will never be able to appease her, and think it best if she just packs up and leaves. We already have a lead on a roommate - a guy they work with who we all like quite a bit and hang out with quite a bit already.

Oh, amazing how life can create so much to think about when it should be realitively simple – eat, commute, dance, eat, dance, eat, sleep.....repeat.

Adding up of days

2008-10-12T15:04:00.000-07:00

An adding up of days has occurred since I last typed in this space.

Since that time, the same thought has occurred to me several times; the world really is a beautiful place, and the life you use to navigate it is as well. This happens to me mostly when I am walking home alone somewhat late at night. I realize that my body is a bit chilled, and I look up to the sky to keep my soul from doing the same. Usually, what I find is a mass of red, yellow and orange leaves bustling in the wind, set off against the damp sky in strangely electric shades that do not correlate with the backdrop's naturalness. That is the best part about it - these two entities of natural sky and tainted leaves coming up against one another is a sickly fascinating allegory of the interaction between what is and what should or shouldn't be.

Ok, I am done being all Robert-Frost. . . for now.

Upon request, I have posted a pic with some of my roommates - it from a night we went out for a goodbye party for one of their managers at work;

Talia is not in this picture (nor is Jayla), but Rebecca is the one in the purple shirt with her arms spread, and Steph is to her right with the black shirt and long blond hair.

I have been doing a lot of writing in my normal journal this week, and at one point, I spent some time thinking about the roommates. While it is nice to be able to control your own space when you live alone, and it can be difficult to adjust to other people's habits, I must say that on the whole, I am very glad to have moved in with these ladies. It has been great to have a built in support system, and I think we have come to care for each other's well-being quite a bit. When thinking about this, I realized that I often do not outrightly express my gratitude for people - it is much easier, for most people, to express negatives rather than positives without even realizing this. Upon realizing, I made a note to myself that I wanted to be sure to counter the negatives by remembering to tell them that I really am gratful for them. And I did - what timing, Thanksgiving and all.

Some thoughts from the week (as tracedin my journal);

"Guilt is just your ego's way of tricking you into thinking that you are making moral progress. Don't fall for it." - 'Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert.

"We have hands; We can stand on them if we want to. That's our priviledge. That's the joy of a mortal body. And that's why God needs us. Because God loves to feel things through his hands." - 'Eat, Pray, Love" - This, folks, is why dancing IS an expression of humanity, spiritual or not. Silly Baptists.

Hobo is short for Homeward Bound.

I have resolved to be more free with my money when it comes to artistic enrichment. In the past year or so, I have convinced myself that all spare dollars must be saved, and that kept me from jazz concerts, auditions, etc. In retrospect, this affinity for saving is what helped me be able to be here, but nonetheless, me being here has helped me realize that there are great things to experience that sometimes need a bit more ka-ching. And if you have it, you should be able to use it once in awhile.

I can see why people plan for and enjoy their weekends - not because they do not like their job necessarily, but for want of variety. It seems that no matter how much I change up my schedule (for example, my schedule before moving here was different every day of the week, but the weeks were the same, and that still was not good enough for me!). What comes out of this is realizing that it is ok to look forward to weekends as long as you do not dread your job, and that I may just have to be prepared for a lifetime of switching up my schedule when I recognize that I have found a pattern.

When noticing that I still have been pulling some items out of a suitcase each day, I pondered if not having little things to make this place feel like home, such as a dresser, is keeping me from feeling solid here. I arrived at the idea that it does not take purchase of goods to create a home (which is good, considering that I quite do not have the budget to purchase such things). It takes the finding of elements such as places (DJD, ATP, Purple Perk, Cafe Beano, Calgary Farmer's Market, even the Safeway grocery!), and people/ support system (roommates, Joanne, Vicki, classmates) to really create a sense of orientation and identification with a space. I am glad to report that I am filling in those blanks, and I am feeling as though I do belong here for the purpose it is serving right now. And for that, I am thankful (once again, what timing - Thanksgiving).

There is only so much you can do with your time, even when you have a lot of it. Sometimes, when you have a lot of it, your brain gets fried up from trying to fit in too many things. I have felt guilty about not spending mroe of my 'free time' trying to do more research about jazz history, grant possibilities, background info for the projects I would like to start in the near future, etc. But I have been doing quite a bit of it, and quite a bit can have a mental limit. Additionally, there is often only so much you can find out about something until you have to just do it. So this is not complacency, but processing the amount I can to remain productive and balanced.

It is dually frustrating and exciting to not know where I am going to be next year - DJD, JRJP, Surrey, at home.....who knows. But I guess this all comes full-circle back to the sickly fascinating allegory of the interaction between what is and what should or shouldn't be.

Those are the thoughts backlogged from the week. In terms of new thoughts since I last journalled; my brain is pretty emptied but still slightly fried from all of the above. Processing these and other little businessy details. Big news not touched upon; Jayla wants to move out. I have already spent so much time trying to process this that I do not have the desire to process it more. But more to be said when action is taken - right now, the whole issue is just stalled. I am trying to get my brain as empty as I can, so I can approach with a clean slate when I sit down next to write her a letter - the only way I think I will be able to communicate effectively.

One last thing - I went to the house of the Artistic Director, Vicki, to clean for a few hours for her. It was quite a treat to hear some great jazz (she has a full speaker system wired through her house), see her literal walls of books and music on jazz and dance, and to get to chat with her. It is nice to know that I have support here - she asked if I would like to clean for her here and there when she heard that I have been having a difficult time making money. I thought it was extremely thoughtful of her to consider that. I look forward to my next cleaning date!

And so goes the adding up of days.

Stir Fry

2008-10-03T18:22:00.000-07:00

I can now see why cooking can be a nice thing to do, now that I have enough time (too much time!) and the need to do cheap things that accomplish more than just entertainment! I went out to a pub across the street from the studio last night with my friend Kaja (she is in the program as well). I would consider her one of my best, if not my best, friend here. Anyway, we just wanted a beer and did not want to buy food because we are too poor, but we were both very hungry because we had just had class. Long story short, there was a party there that was clearly wasted and had forgotten about a whole table of food behind them (we are talking chicken skewers, veggies, quesidillas, buffalo wings). We stared for the longest time, and then decided to take some action and move to a closer table. We vulture-like monitored that food. They started gettting ready to leave, and we thought we for sure had it in the bag until one of their servers suggested to them to remember to bring food home with them. Kaja and I were at the point of hysteria! Luckily, they only took a few things, and one of the other servers said 'I am gonna pitch the rest. Anyone want it?' The 'anyone' we was referring to really was just Kaja and I, as we were basically the only ones left there. It was amazing! We ended up with two boxes of buffalo wings (one which we polished off right then and there), two boxes of veggies, and a box of chicken skewers. I walked home with the skewers and a box of veggies - therefore, stiryfry. Yes, there WAS a point to this story.

My phone interview with Surrey Thursday morning was fantastic. Funny thing - I was wrong about the time difference by two hours, and we had arranged for the head of the MA program to call me noon his time, and what we presumed to be 7am my time. Not so - it is a seven hour difference, so he called at 5 in the morning! It woke me up and I ignored it, as it was my intention to get up at six to prepare for the interview. I laid there and tried to decide if I would go back to sleep or call back, and I ended up choosing option number two - I was already awake. So I made some coffee, prepared myself, and called back. I ended up talking with him for about an hour! I was really appreciative that the program head (yes, THE person I wanted to be talking with) took a whole hour out of the middle of his day to talk with me. We talked about my research interested (which he thought were really interesting - score!), my background, my intention for my degree (he was impressed with my choice of Riverside for a PHD, and thought it was great that I already know where I want to go), why I chose to apply at Surrey. In turn, I asked him about his background - I always find such things super-interesting. In short, it went extremely well. I finished and submitted my application that morning, and ordered another transcript to be sent there, as well as postal mailing my GRE scores (which they don't need, but I figured 'why not?'). I sent a follow up email to Stuart (the program director) to say thank you, reiterate that I would be happy to send any other kind of materials they would like (choreography sample, technical sample, writing sample, etc). I also asked the one question I forgot to ask - if they allow deferrment. I received an email back from him today, noting how much he enjoyed talking with me, and that deferrment is certainly no problem. I was soooo happy to hear that - it makes me brain rest a bit easier in the 'future' section.

Beyond that as of late, I have been worrying about money. Now that a whole month of being here has passed (which occurred to me on the way home today is crazy - this month has passed SO fast; I feel like I have only been here a few weeks), I realized that I spent a bit more than I budgeted more, and that I am going to have to be a lot more careful about it. I felt like an asshole yesterday when I had been planning to go out with my roommates and program mates for Rebecca's birthday, and I ended up bailing out because it turned out that the club they chose had a 7 dollar cover last night. I am sad I missed a good time and was not there to celebrate with Becca, but I just cannot continue spending this way, or when the end of my time here hits, I will not have enough money to get through! I have always disliked when people use 'I cannot afford it' as an 'excuse' to not go out, but I can obviously see now that it is not just an excuse. I think I knew that before, but not this closely. I feel like telling people here that it is NOT because I do not WANT to go do these things (well, sometimes it is, like tonight when they were going to a movie and I wanted nothing more than to sit on my ass by myself at home, to have alone time, relax and get some stuff done that I had not gotten to this week), but because I made a choice coming here - I knew there was a chance that I would not find a job, and that things would be really tight financially. Well, turns out that scenario is the case right now. That is ok with me, but I feel like I will have to explain that every time something like this comes up. I hope my roommates and people in my program can learn to understand.

I had thoughts again today on how much I dislike 'Big Box Architecture' (for lack a better term). I do not think this is a 'Western' thing, as I would call England and Ireland and such other places as 'Western,' but these places do not have the ridiculous waste of land like the US and Canada. It is so upsetting for me to constantly look around and see wastelands of consumerism. I know this sounds so clique, but it truly is frustrating. To think that you pick up and move to another country, just to see much of the same thing visually, is frustrating. This is further evidence to me that I need to get out and see and live in other places - ie London for school - to feel satisfied for hope that there are better ways to use land. Oh, if only our history allowed us to be so efficient early on.

I am recognizing now, sitting here, that I have listed to many things for myself to do, when I simply and truly wish to just sit on my duff, shut my brain off a bit, and watch a friggin movie. So here I go. . .

Much/ Not Much

2008-10-01T13:45:00.000-07:00

I feel like it is really easy to respond 'oh, nothing,' when you are asked what is new. There is always something new, but it is just a matter of whether or not you think the person asking will care about the response. I realized this as I was about to type an email to Kim, unsure of what to update with, until I started writing, and noticed that the email was about two pages long. With Kim, I know she is interested in whatever I have to say. Not so with everyone, so I often find myself subconciously passing over thoughts in conversations. Kris is also like Kim - I actually found myself wondering what I would update him with when he called yesterday, and once again noticed the words flying out of my mouth. I guess it just really depends upon the person.

I am excited at the prospect of visiting family. I hope to be in touch with Tim and Connie (in Montana) shortly, so as to set up a visit for dinner over an upcoming weekend. It has been so long since I have seen them that it would be great to see a long-lost, yet familiar face.

I have spent some brain energy lately hoping that everything will pan out with le job. I have already worked twice and been to a meeting, and my boss called today to respond to an email about getting me on the schedule for the rest of the run of a current show, but I cannot help but wonder where the paperwork is at. It has not been mentioned of the theater's own accord when I am there - I have had to ask. And when I do ask, I am told that it is taking a bit longer because my bosses boss must sign the paperwork as well. I just do not want to end up having worked several shifts, several hours thinking I am going to receive a pay-check and not have it pan out. This is not to say that I do not intend to volunteer there if it does not work out (I do intend it), but I do not want to get caught up thinking I have earned money when I really haven't. I just hope this sorts itself out quickly so I do not need to waste more thought on it.

Just finished 'Terror in the Name of God: Why Religious Militants Kill' by Jessica Stern. An extremely interesting read. In light of another book that I have read recently ('The Great Good Place'), I have found a Third Place - Cafe Beano, down several blocks on the same avenue as the studio. I had actually been before when I came in 2006, and the title of the shop stuck with me because my dad's nickname for my mom is 'Beano.' In fact, I think I took a picture of it for that reason. Anyway, I ended up having three random conversations within a span of about half an hour, and enjoyed them all, so I figured this comes down as fair assessment that this is in fact a Third Place (and they have kick-ass coffee). Though it is not within walking distance to my home (a qualifier), I can overlook that in light of the other factors. Fantastic.

I had an interesting club experience on Sunday. I will not go into huge details, as I have already done so in my own journal, but I will say that it was an interesting combination of positives and negatives. Positives; crazy dancing, time outside of dance and house with roommates, genuine strangers willing to dance crazy, dressing slightly ridiculous on purpose and loving it (and the looks it got from the pretty people), etc. Negatives; racist, bitchy, full of themselves pretty girls on the dance floor (everywhere, really), objectification of women bartenders via a catwalk contest and manditory underwear and bathrobes as a part of their 'Rehab Sundays' promo, skeezy male bartenders, people trying to hard to impress one another. Nothing super out of the ordinary, but interesting all the same.

I got some plans for the rest of the week/ weekend; surrey app, talk to surrey MA program director on the phone tomorrow (whoop!), letter to mandy, Dance Explosions app, choreography, library, (work?), call Tim and Connie, finances, election research, Be's bday celebration, conference with Jamie.

Oh, lists.

B-Girl

2008-09-28T07:54:00.000-07:00

Despite my already-heavy class load, I actually added one on this week, the advanced hip hop class on Thursday nights. I was told that the class was at the level and speed of people who are/ want to be professional hip hoppers, so I avoided the class. A few of my roommates and friends take it though, so I poked my head in the other day - it looked super-fun and like something I could handle, so I took it this last week, and it was awesome! The summer between HS and college, and between freshman and sophomore year, I actually took a lot of hip hop, and wasn't bad at it. There was a lot of stuff that was super new to me in this class, like house dance (basically super-funky and energetic movement to house dance music). I had never heard of such a thing and people thought I was crazy - I thought it must be an up here thing, but it turns out not - I was looking at the Zenon fall class schedule, and they now have house dance classes - definitely going to have to take them! I feel like I handled the class really well. It was really kind of hard energy-wise to add on a class at the end of the week, but I am so glad I did, and I am definitely going back.

As for the job, I started on Sunday with an orientation. Our theater is within the Epcor Center, a complex that has within it six different theaters/ organizations and is located downtown - pretty sweet! I left resumes several places in the complex, and got my job with Alberta Theatre Projects, a producing theater that focuses mostly on contemporary works that focus on Canadian history, issues, etc. They also have a big family holiday show and a new works festival - quite varied. I had orientation on Sunday, which was for paid front of house staff as well as volunteers. We got a tour of the evac routes, and the rest was just reviewing policy. I had my first shift last night, and I arrived 45 minutes early on my own accorded because I was worried that I had not yet seen the theater or know the seating chart, where the bathrooms, are etc! The head usher, Andrea, is super sweet and showed me around, oriented me with the seating chart, answered all my questions, and I felt a lot better about being let loose on the patrons that night to provide customer service. It has been so long since I have done anything customer-service oriented (about tw months!), which has felt strange considering that for the last year, I dedicated hours to the stuff. I was surprised to find last night that I had really missed it - I enjoyed seeing people to their seats, making small talk, handing out programs. It was nice to see that I actually really do like to give people an enjoyable experience, when it comes to something that I appreciate myself. Another sweet part about the job - we get to watch the show. So basically, for the majority of my hours, I am being paid to watch theater - awesome. I pay insn't so great (minimum wage), but it is the arts, and it sure it better than nothing. I had a great time last night, and I am looking forward to/ already feel welcomed into a community other than DJD, so it is nice to have somewhere else to go, to belong, to which to contribute.

I just finished another FANTASTIC sociology book - "The Great Good Place" by Ray Oldenburg (PHD Sociology from the U!). The book is about what he calls 'Third Places.' IE, you have home and work as two main places in your life, and there was a time where it was quite common for people to have a 'third place' like a pub or coffee shop or bistro, within walking distance to home or work (most likely home) that would serve as a wind-down, but mostly a chance to be connected to your community in an informal yet deep kind of way. He describes how the onslaught of suburbia, whose structure and ideology does not allow for such third places or for them to be walked to, as a major player in the disappearance of these places and this kind of lifestyle. It was a super interesting read that I just plowed through. It certainly made me further wish to not have a car when I return home, and made me realize how much I have appreciated having a pub, gorcery store, liquor store, all the necessities, within walking distance. When it comes down to it, having a car can often be much more of a hassle than a convenience. I mean seriously, why hop in your car, park, then walk to the place you are going when you could just walk?

Since 'Rise of the Creative Class', I have read 'The Life and Death of Great American Cities' by Jane Jacobs (this and the previously mentioned book came out of the biblio from Creative Class), and 'The Irresistible Inheritance of Wilberforce,' fiction about a man who inherits a wine cellar and becomes consumed by its contents.